Mackie 04

Mackie 04

[A date! It's a date and he came over to my place and everything!]

"Um, Calvin, what do you mean you want me to wear my flats tonight? I mean, look at me because it's no secret that I need all the lift I can get because my tooth pick legs are not going to lift my, you know, my booty and even the smallest heels help, so?"

"Oh, I didn't see any problem at Joanie's pool party and deck shoes must be some kind of a flat, so, what's the mental issue here then, huh? And since we were both at the geeky girl's pool party at the same time, I mean, this is our second date."

Ugh, I mean, didn't I just say it, folks? Skinny thin is one thing, but it rarely brings any shape with it, right? And don't any of you dare let tooth pick legs slip out of your mouths! The end!

I mean, I eat cheeseburgers.

But I suppose that I liked that Calvin looked, I guess.

Anyways...

[Two daters stare blankly at each other and blink blankly a couple of times, blink, blink]

"Well, if I change my shoes, then I need to change my socks and if I change my shoes and socks, then I need to change my shorts and if I change my shoes, socks and shorts, then I need to change my shirt and sports bra and hair barrettes and then that will circle me back to near naked and I already settled in my mind that you've been a gentleman about things, so, I may have imprinted on my mind that if I end up near naked around you tonight, then you can have the sex you want from me and have it your way by strong dicking me because I know you've been patient to break a sweat with me and I mean, Calvin, it's just a big circle!"

[Two daters stare blankly at each other and blink blankly a couple of times, blink, blink]

Or for short, I talk too much sometimes!

[Thump, thump, pump, thrust, thrust, pump, pound, slam, slam, slam, ooh, oh, thump, pump, slam]

"Aha, aha, aha, are you with me, Mackie, aha, aha, aha?"

[Thump, thump, pump, thrust, thrust, pump, pound, slam, slam, slam, ooh, oh, thump, pump, slam]

"Ugh, ugh, ugh, I'm pinned face down to bed and unable to go anywhere, Calvin, argh, argh, argh!"

[Thump, thump, pump, thrust, thrust, pump, pound, slam, slam, slam, ooh, oh, thump, pump, slam]

"Aha, aha, aha, I smell smoke, Mackie, aha, aha, aha."

[Thump, thump, pump, thrust, thrust, pump, pound, slam, slam, slam, ooh, oh, thump, pump, slam]

"Ugh, ugh, ugh, I think that's the condom melting from your power, Calvin, argh, argh, argh!"

[Thump, thump, pump, thrust, thrust, pump, pound, slam, slam, slam, ooh, oh, thump, pump, slam]

"Ugh, ugh, it's going to kill my younger brother if he finds out I'm fucking the babysitter, ooh, ooh."

[Thump, thump, pump, thrust, thrust, pump, pound, slam, slam, slam, ooh, oh, thump, pump, slam]

"Argh, ugh, that's cruel, Calvin and you're killing me with your power, OMG, OMG, OMG, ooh."

[Thump, thump, pump, thrust, thrust, pump, pound, slam, slam, slam, ooh, oh, thump, pump, slam]

"SOB, SOB, then I'm power washing this condom from the inside right now, Mackie, argh, ahh, ooh."

I mean, I like Calvin and all, folks, but OMG, finish already, right? And I could understand how real girls might feel differently about that, so, I'm opened minded, ladies and I will go havers next time, so, text me.

"Argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh!"

Well, that was different, even for my limited experience.

[Blast, squirt, spew, stream, ooze, ooze, drizzle, ahh]

Well, that was unexpected, even for my limited experience.

"(Wheeze, huff, wheeze, puff, wheeze) I mean (huff), I mean (puff), I mean (wheeze), I don't really need to go to this "thing" with you now, right (wheeze), Mackie?"

LOL, guys, right? It's always "I just blew my nuts, so I don't need to go to this "thing" with you now since you know, I'm a guy and I blasted both nuts and now it's nappy nap time", am I right, folks?

But it's just as well since his mom might be there at, you know, this "thing" and all.

"[Mwah, smooch, smooch, smack] it's okay, Calvin, you don't have to go with me to this "thing" tonight, but listen, Calvin..."

[Jeans flying, shirt pulling, zipper smoking]

"Okay, you said it and I need to go! I'll text you when I horny again, I mean, home again next time, bye, Mackie."

LOL, guys, right? They always find a second gear from wheezing and huffing once you let them off of the hook to attend a "thing", am I right?

"Wait, Calvin, Calvin, you're driving, so, I mean, don't take more than two puffs of the old used rubber tire air from the old spare tire needle nozzle on my front porch! Calvin? You're driving, Calvin!"

[Psst, inhale, ahh, psst, inhale, ooh, psst, inhale, ahh, psst, OMG, I'm so high, psst, I need to go, ahh]

LOL, guys, right? They wheeze and huff and puff afterwards in the bed, but they always find the lung power to suck extra puffs of old and bad used tire air from the needle nozzle to get a buzz.

But Calvin looks amazing naked, so, whatever.

[The Lava Java Coffee Shop front door jingle, jangle. Multiplied by about a bazillion times folks]

"Hi, Gianna, how are you holding up, hmm?"

"(Wheeze, huff) Mackie (huff, puff), I'm so your girlfriend for life [swirl, steam, fizzle, swirl, gurgle] for all of this business in my [swirl, steam, steam, stir, gurgle] in my Lava Java Coffee Shop tonight! But you had better hide out in back storage room since my fake sales generation gimmick is about you, the babysitter and you might be mobbed."

"Hey, this was your idea, Gianna and you posted the ad on Chang for a chance to reserve a spot on my babysitters wait list, so, deal with it. And I see, mm, mm, mm, that you wore your good THOT brown yoga pants tonight and that you had a couple of cheeseburgers yesterday, so, sling it around, I guess."

I mean, yep, I'm a little jealous that Gianna has enough thigh meat to make six of me, so, what?

"(Huff, puff) oh, I'm slinging it, Mackie and tee he, knocking half of the equipment [crash, bang] off of the counter every time I sling my big ole THOT booty around, tee he, but I'm not complaining either because somebody might actually slap me on my big ole booty tonight! Oh, excuse me now, Mackie and get lost, oh [in an elevated voice], Martha, your coffee is in my left hand, Millie, your coffee is in my right hand and Bibi, your sipping coffee is between my boobs in my cleavage because I'm out of hands! Come and get your sipping coffee, ladies! Every sold sipping coffee comes with a chance to end up on the babysitters wait list, ladies, so line it up and pay the lady with the big ole booty!"

[Yep, the Lava Java Coffee Shop is hopping with MILF mom's dying to satisfy their crying kids for a reservation on the wait list with the increasing popular babysitter]

"Well, Millie, I feel ridiculous for trying to get a reservation with the babysitter dressed this way since I'm 37 now, but my twin boys have been crying for weeks and my hubby is crying and claiming that this might be the only way to save our marriage, so, whatever, I guess, right, Millie?"

"Hmm, says my old friend, Martha, who still fits into her Hopping Bunny costume from your days working at the Hopping Bunny nightclub! But you look amazing, although, ahem, you can close your overcoat now since there is crowd of men gathering just outside of the Lava Java Coffee Shop (whore)! Anyways, my younger twin boys have become impossible since the babysitter became so popular and my hubby also has said that securing a Saturday night reservation with the babysitter might be the only way to save our marriage, so, I mean, I'm prepared to pop a boob out, so?"

"LOL, rookies! I reserved a green coffee shop apron for my shot at securing the babysitter for a Saturday night and I need that kind of edge over you, ahem, somewhat older mom's because my twin boys have been playing with matches lately and I fear for my house on fire if I don't get the babysitter into my living room! But, huh then, because my hubby also said it might be the only way to save our marriage too!"

"(Fuck you Bibi and your 32 years old perky boobs!) Well, I might just look renting a green apron too then because my hubby has actually been crying more than my twin boys lately and if it takes the babysitter to save my marriage, hey, wait a minute..."

Again, folks, none of this was my idea and I slipped quietly into the stock room to be out of site. And to lean up the shelves because Calvin really did strong dick me good!

"[Swirl, steam, fizzle, swirl, gurgle] Nancy, your double-double is in my left hand, Megan, play a little a hands game with me while taking your vanilla cream from my right hand [swirl, steam, steam, stir, gurgle] and Maggie, reach down right in front of me and take a little and give a little because my THOT door swings both ways, line it up ladies because your kids and hubby's will never stop crying until you secure your spot on the babysitter's wait list (sales taxes may apply and there are no guarantees that any of this is true)!"

Again, this is technically Gianna's "thing", but it sure turned out better than I expected.

"Well, I shouldn't say this, Nancy, but you could still totally rock an apron, so?"

"Hah, says my friend, Megan, who approached the counter and asked for a pair of scissors to snip the deep "V" of your Bunny leotard! And we'll talk later about why your fishnets fit and look so much better than mine, but anyways..."

"(It's called less flabby cellulite, bitch!)"

"Anyways, I'm not leaving tonight without proof positive that we have a reservation with the babysitter because the hubby built my boys a Science Lab in garage and now, I fear for an explosion. Although I'm starting to reconsider why the hubby is crying more than the boys over the last couple of weeks, so. Anyways, what's your story, Maggie?"

"Oh, that damn babysitter is working for me come one way or another because all the crying in my house hasn't let me sleep in two weeks. Or I'm prepared to pop out both boobs out for short. Oh, and I'm beginning to think that I'm going to kill the hubby after all of this, so."

"[Swirl, steam, fizzle, swirl, gurgle] Kendra, your coffee is balancing on my big ole booty like your hubby asks for, Andi Pandi, one stirred cold coffee in my right hand, Cathy, I bought these big ole booty yoga pants for your older son, Dave, so text him, come on ladies, this is your last chance to win a reservation on the babysitters wait list (footnote, the actual babysitters may be drawn from a general pool of local babysitters), so, step right up and slap my big ole booty, ladies!"

Oh, that's so Gianna to whisper the fine print of her gimmick, right?

"Kendra! Did you just snag a green apron off from the rack? That's cheating and my hubby claims that the only way to save our marriage is to get a confirmation from the babysitter for when I'm out of town visiting my family with the kids! Oh, hey, wait a minute..."

"(Your hubby is a fag, Cathy) well, they are right there, hanging on the rack and it's nice color of green and I need to save my marriage by being in shower when the babysitter arrives early because my hubby said, hey, wait a minute..."

"Well, why stop there, Kendra? I mean, why don't you just slip into the Ladies room and peel your Bunny leotard off completely so that your premature fat, fat, fat boobs can spill out of the sides of the green apron, hmm (whore) because I'm sure the babysitter would melt for side boob spillage out of the sides of your green apron during the interview process!"

[Um, Kendra accepts that challenge and heads towards the Ladies room!]

"OMG, Andi Pandi! You too? This contest is green apron rigged! Rigged I say!"

"What? My kids are crying and my hubby has been crying and I haven't released the girls since, huh, since I got pregnant with the twins! Besides, I need to be on the babysitters wait list with the hopes of a spot when the hubby plays cards with his card playing buds and while I'm driving the kids to their sleep over way over in Hillsdale and hey, wait a minute..."

[Andi Pandi still took the apron challenge anyways and heads towards the Ladies room]

Oh, and for the record, I've never ever baby sat anyone even once! Well, a couple of dates that I've had seemed like adult babysitting jobs, but guys, right? It's always tuck me into bed, right?

Oh, and for the other record, I mean, Gianna was the photographer too!

"Gina, step it up, Gina, I have your, hey, wait a minute, Grandma Gina? WTF? You don't even have babysitting aged children anymore!"

"Tee he [snatches that cold brewed coffee] what, I can't bunny hop for any one of the guys that are lurking in the windows of the coffee shop, granddaughter, Gianna, hmm? Tee he, just don't tell your grandpa! Oh, and before I forget dear, I mean, I'm a little behind these days, so, tee he, just how do I use the term "THOT" correctly in a sentence? Or a pickup line, hmm?"

I mean, I mean, I mean, huh, her grandma Gina didn't look too bad. And tee he, my oh my, Gianna can really sprawl out when passed out on the floor! And since it's been said a few times that I talk way too much, I mean, ta da.

"Alright ladies, Gianna and her big ole booty brown yoga pants are passed out, so, the show is over and the Lava Java Coffee Shop is closed and Gianna has all of your info in her rolodex, I mean, in her contest gimmick list, so, thank you for all coming and um, okay, goodnight!"

"OMG, it's you! You're the babysitter! I mean, nobody else on the planet over 16 has tooth pick legs that skinny, so, it's you!"

"[Waves hand in a half circular motion] I am not the babysitter that you are looking for, but you are one of the planet's best examples of how a married woman can wear fishnet stockings through her thirties and probably through her forties, Mrs. Nancy Nickol, so?"

"Oh, well, I mean, I mean, I mean, well, I mean, since you're a "he" more than a "she" as the babysitter, I mean, stay away from my family (but, um, who else on sidewalk of the Strip might think that way since I'm here and dressed like hopping bunny), hmm? Oh, ahem, a thirty something hopping bunny, for the record, so? Um, um, and with a "going limp" hubby, I mean, I mean, I mean, yeah."

[Looks around at the faces plastered against the coffee shop windows and points at Gino]

LOL, rinse and repeat eleven times.

End Mackie 04