Man in the Mirror Ch. 03

It took me a couple of seconds, but a familiar face did appear in my mind. "Do you mean that blond cheerleader looking girl with the big..." I expanded my hand in front of my chest. He couldn't see me, but he knew what I was getting at.

"Yep. That's the one." He confirmed with a hint of pride in his voice.

"She looks so young. You sure she's legal?"

"Of course she's legal! I'm not a pedophile." He said, instantly getting irritated. "She's twenty."

"Uh huh." I said, unconvinced. "Did you check her driver's license?"

"No, I didn't asshole. But I know she's not underage. She has her own apartment."

"Coulda been emancipated. Kids are doing that now." I retorted.

"She wasn't emancipated."

"How would you know? It's not like you ever get to know any of the bimbos that you screw."

He blew out a frustrated breath. "God! I knew calling you would be a mistake. Do you always have to be such a smug, sanctimonious prick about everything?"

"Do you always have to be an irresponsible teenager?" I threw back at him. "You're 35 knocking up a 20 year old. Ever heard of condoms?"

"You are such a..." He choked off whatever angry words were about to come out of his mouth. Then, he took a breath to calm himself. The next time he spoke, his voice was eerily calm. "You know what, Art? You need to get over yourself. You're not the end all, be all. You always sit up there on your high horse, looking down on me with your smug ass attitude. You may have been mom and dad's favorite, but that doesn't mean that you're perfect. You're the golden boy - the smart and the responsible one. I'm the screw up. I get it! I just wish everyone would shut the fuck up about it."

Should I have shown him a little sympathy? Probably. But his whining was falling on deaf ears. He had the nerve to say that I was the favorite son. Him, of all people; the one my parents practically worshipped.

"Aww! Poor Lance! His life is so hard. Save it! You can stop with the bullshit about me being the favorite. Everyone knows that you are. Lance, the big-time football star! They still treat you like that. Every time you fuck up, mom and dad jump through hoops to make sure you're okay. But when my life falls apart, guess what? I'M ON MY OWN! All I heard growing up was how great you were at football, and how handsome you were. I was the one always being compared to YOU!"

His response was immediate. "Oh my God! You're so full of shit! Mom and dad always help me, but the entire time they're doing it I'm getting lectured about how I should try to be more like you. I'm so sick of hearing that shit! Then, I gotta listen to you martyr yourself, talking about how you're so independent, and that no one ever helps you. But you conveniently forget that when your wife cheated on you, it was MY couch that you slept on. Every time she tried to contact you, I was the one running interference. As a matter of fact, I'm the one who has ALWAYS here there for you whenever you had it rough. Do you know how many fights I got in in high school because someone talked shit about you? Do you? No, you don't, because you're a horse's ass. So, please lose me with that self-righteous, 'nobody is ever there for me' crap."

I was about to snap back at him. My brain was working on a zinger. But then, I stopped. I stopped because I actually heard what he said. As his words sunk in, an epiphany dawned on me.

He was right.

He was always there for me. No matter how much we fought, or how much I judged him, he was always the first one that I called when things got rough.

I also saw life through his eyes. I saw him having to feel the sting of everyone comparing him to me. My parents bragged about me all the time. I never noticed it because I was so jealous of him growing up. I didn't hear about how proud they were of me because I was always focused on how proud they were of him.

To me, he was still the tall, good-looking guy who could get any woman he wanted. He could basically breeze through life with no worries. But when I looked through his eyes, I saw it differently. Ever since he dropped out of college, people were always looking at him as a failure. My parents felt like they had to step in to save him because he was incapable of doing it himself. No one did that for me because they knew that I would be okay.

What did that do to his self-esteem? Jerry's words about everyone struggling with it rang true with the person that I thought had all the confidence in the world. Now, here he was calling me a 4 in the morning because he had a baby on the way. He was petrified. He viewed himself as being incapable of taking care of himself because that was the way that we treated him. How was he supposed to take care of a baby?

So, he called his twin brother. What did I do? I treated him like a fuck up.

"You're right, Lance." I said in surrender. There was no malice in my voice. No sarcasm. It was just a statement of truth.

He wasn't really prepared for me to concede like that, so he was caught off guard. I used his hesitation to elaborate. "You've always been there for me. No matter what I did or said to you, you've always been the guy that I lean on."

"Uhhh, thanks." He said, still a little bewildered.

I switched gears and asked, "So, how far along is she?"

This dropped his guard completely. His voice sounded dejected and small as he said, "A couple of months. She just told me today."

"Damn. You two gonna keep it?"

"Yeah." The heaviness in that one word was massive. I could hear the turmoil through the earpiece.

"How do you feel about that?"

There was a pause before he honestly answered, "I'm scared shitless, Art. How do I raise a kid? I still live like one. I'm not you. Josh and Allie are lucky to have a dad like you. What's my kid gonna think about me?"

I remembered thinking those exact words when I found out Paige was pregnant. "Well Lance, first thing you have to do is stop comparing yourself to me. That's the mistake I always make when it comes to you. Believe it or not, I've always been jealous of you."

I could hear his surprised gasp on the other end. "Stop bullshitting me, Art. What the fuck are you jealous of me for? You have all your shit together. Especially now that you've lost all that weight."

I chuckled to myself at the irony of this conversation. "That's just it Lance. Neither one of us should be jealous of the other person. I'm working on changing the areas that I'm insecure about. Why can't you? You wanna be more responsible? Then be more responsible. You wanna be a good dad? Learn what that means, and do it."

"That's easy for you to say." He huffed.

"You're right. It is easy to say. It takes a lot of work. But if anyone can do it, you can. You're one of the strongest people I know. I'd bet on you any day."

"Really?" he asked, genuinely surprised.

"I would. No doubt."

What I was saying wasn't bullshit. Lance may have been irresponsible, but I always knew he would outgrow that one day. I had a feeling that day was here.

We spent the next two hours talking. The longer we did, the more faith I had that he'd be a great father. He didn't approach this situation like he did everything else. He was worried. He was thinking of how his actions would impact this unborn kid's.

Isn't that what all good fathers worry about?

I shared stories of failures that I had with my kids. I hoped it made him feel less alone. Some of the stories we laughed at. Others were a cautionary tale. I did tell him that fate would probably give him a girl as a bit of Karma. To his credit, he laughed at that.

Through it all, I swore to him that I would be there for him in whatever way he needed. And I meant it.

When we hung up, the sun had peeked its head above the horizon and seeped through the blinds in my darkened room. I realized that something had changed in me during that conversation. I grew up a little. I wasn't jealous of my little brother anymore. It wasn't because I realized that he was just as jealous of me as I was of him, it was because I saw myself in a different light. I was the responsible one. I was the smart one. These were attributes that I should have been proud of. These were my 80. I was always insecure because I didn't have that other 20, but I never really needed it. I was fine just the way I was.

I dragged myself out of bed and prepared for work. I should have been sleepy, but I wasn't. I felt good; better than I had I a while.

***

Life moved along on an even pace. Weeks turned into a couple of months with the seamless ease. It wasn't too fast, but it didn't drag either. It was progress. My outlook wasn't so gloomy anymore.

There was one thing that sucked big time. Jerry felt like I didn't need him anymore. My weight loss was so significant at this point that there was no sign of me ever being overweight.

But the real reason why he felt like he needed to move on was because I looked at myself differently. My confidence was up, and that was his main goal. When I looked back on our experience together, I saw how calculated his plan was. The digs at my name, the snarky attitude, the boot camp workouts; all of it was to make me stop looking at myself like I was fate's bad joke.

Honestly, he was worth every penny of what I should have paid him.

During our final bittersweet workout, things with Colleen came to a head. I was doing my routine, and I became distracted when she walked past. He got a knowing look on his face and asked, "You just gonna look at her all night, or are you gonna go talk to her?"

I hadn't even realized that I was staring until he said something. "Sorry, Jerry. I'm gonna lift." I said as I grabbed the dumbbells to do some arm curls. I quickly did 10 reps with each arm and put them back on the rack with a loud clank.

"Look, Art." He said in a cautious voice. "I'm not trying to get in your business. But it's pretty obvious that you wanna talk to her. I don't know what happened between you two, but it can't be worth all of this effort that you're putting into pretending that she doesn't exist."

I looked around, as if I were afraid someone else was listening. "Am I that obvious?"

"You were trying to be subtle?" he asked with a snicker. He shook his head at the horrified look I gave him and said, "Just go over there and talk to her."

"I can't. Trust me, after what happened between us she will probably just laugh at me and walk away."

He shrugged indifferently. "Well, then don't. Continue to stare at her from across the room, wondering what she's thinking. That's much more effective."

Sometimes, I can't stand his smug ass.

He smiled and nodded his head to the side, indicating that I needed to get going. I saw Colleen heading to the locker room, so I swallowed my fear and ran to intersect her.

"Hey, Colleen." I called out to stop her from going in. She turned towards me, and when she saw that I was the one who called her, she immediately looked uncomfortable and looked at the floor.

"Hey Arthur." She said quickly.

Her change in demeanor didn't fill me with confidence. I fought the urge to pretend like I was calling her for some innocuous reason. Still, I couldn't stop myself from using small talk as a segue. "Uhh, how have you been?" I asked with more shyness in my voice than I wanted.

"Pretty good." She said, still not looking a me.

I gathered up my courage and said, "Listen, I was hoping that we could...you know...talk. I think that we should clear the air about a few things."

"Umm, Okay." She said as she nodded quickly. "When did you wanna get together?"

I pressed my luck and said, "Are you free now?"

"Well, I have to shower first. But we can talk when I come out. Is that okay?"

"Yeah. Sure. That's cool. I have to shower too."

"Okay." She said with a nervous laugh. "See you then."

As she disappeared into the locker room, I blew out a breath of relief. As awkward as that little exchange was, I was happy that I got through it. I looked over and saw Jerry talking to Naomi. He gave me a thumbs up and a nod that said that I did good.

After we finished showering, Colleen and I went to a Golden Corral that was right down the street. When we got our plates of food and were seated, I struggled for a way to start the conversation that needed to happen. Once again, I made small talk. She entertained it for a minute, but I could see her growing anxious and impatient. I decided that it was now or never, so I took a breath and said, "I invited you here because I want to talk about the night that we almost...you know."

She nervously shifted in her seat and shook her head. "I figured. But you don't have to explain to me. It's okay. It's not the first time a man hasn't been attracted to me. I'm actually used to it. My husband - I mean ex-husband - wasn't attracted to me either. I'll get over it. "

I was completely floored. "What?" I blanched.

"Yeah." She sighed as she smiled ruefully. "His nickname for me was Piggy." Her eyes became lost in her memories. "He used to poke my stomach and laugh at me, even in front of his friends."

I watched her try to keep it together. As the seconds passed, she gradually disintegrate into tears. She tried to get up and rush off to the bathroom, but I stopped her by reaching across the table and gently grabbing her hands.

"Colleen, you have the wrong idea." She looked up in my eyes and my heart broke for her. "Your ex was a fucking retard. I don't know what his problem was, but that's not how I feel at all. I am attracted to you. You are sexy, fun, beautiful; everything that I could want in a woman."

"Then why..."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then I told her my story. I told her everything. She listened intently without interrupting one time. When I was done, her reaction stunned me speechless. It was the last thing I expected anyone to do after I just poured my entire heart out to her.

She burst out laughing uncontrollably.

"What are you laughing at?" I asked, completely horrified. This was what I was afraid of.

She covered her mouth to stop herself from laughing, but it didn't work. This time, I got up and was about to leave angrily, but she stopped me.

"I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you. Please sit down." When I sat down she said, "I'm laughing at us. At this situation, really. Both of our spouses told us that we were fat, ugly, and bad in bed."

"Your husband called you a boring fuck too?"

She nodded as she tried to stifle another laughing fit. Barely holding it in, she said, "He said my pussy felt like sandpaper."

I found myself chuckling, which was a little odd. "Ouch. Well, my ex told me that I gave lousy oral sex and didn't even know what a clit was."

Colleen burst out laughing even harder at that. "That was a good one." She said between gasping hoots. It seemed so inappropriate that it was infectious. I couldn't help but to start laughing with her. Pretty soon, we were both cracking up so hard that we couldn't even speak. People around us gave us funny looks, but we didn't care.

The conversation devolved into an impromptu contest of which spouse said the worst insult. She won, but only because of sheer volume. Her husband had been insulting her for years. At least Paige had the decency to hold her contempt for me a secret until the last minute.

"Well, this has been a surprising day." She said as she smiled. "I was afraid that I came on too strong and scared you off. I really liked you, and I didn't want you to look at me like he did. For once, I wanted someone to see me as a sexy woman; even if it was only for one night. So, I pulled out all the stops. When you didn't...you know...I died inside. It was like I was a failure."

I smiled back at her. "That was what I thought too. I was trying so hard to not be what Paige said I was that I turned out to prove her right."

I had to admit that I felt good. Great, actually. It felt different than when I spilled my guts to Naomi and Jerry. This time, I was speaking to a person who went through the exact same thing that I did. She knew firsthand how it felt to be rejected the way that I did. It made me feel less alone.

"So, what do two pathetic losers who are bad in bed do together?" I asked jokingly.

"Well Loser, I say we own that shit." She answered. Then she cleared her throat, and with mock seriousness said, "Hello. My name is Colleen, and I am a bad lay."

"Hi Colleen." I said, trying to stifle another laughing fit.

She snickered and took another sip of her drink. As I sat with her, I was astounded by the kindred spirit that we were. For all of the bad shit that life throws, it can often drop little trinkets along the way. We just have to be open to look for them.

"Why don't we do this?" I said seriously. "Let's not try to prove our spouses wrong. Fuck them. Instead, we go out again. This time, no pressure. No expectations. We just have fun and try to get to know each other."

She smiled brightly. "I like that. No pressure. Just fun." She took another sip, then out of nowhere said, "And if we happen to fuck, then so be it."

I almost fell out of my seat when she said that. Surprising, I felt my dick tighten a little when she said the word "fuck". I imagined her lip wrapped around it the way she did on our last date.

My soldier's response to that thought was encouraging. I almost breathed a sigh of relief. I thought I was destined for a life of priesthood. The fact that she understood me on more than a surface level allowed me to relax a little. I felt a connection with her that made me feel safe.

"Yes. If we happen to fuck..." I said as I jokingly crossed my fingers. She giggled and raised her cup of lemonade. We clinked our cups together in toast.

Little did we know, there was a familiar face in the background. This face watched me and Colleen as we laughed and conversed with the ease of two people who genuinely enjoyed each other's company. Had I bothered to turn around, I would have noticed this person. By the time I did turn in that direction, she had already ducked out.

But I wouldn't find this out until...

A FEW WEEKS LATER

Why does Paige have to make everything so goddamned hard?

That's what I was thinking as I stood in Paige's bedroom doorway trying not to strangle her. It seemed like every time I moved past one roadblock in my life, another jumped in its way.

I was trying to be patient. I really was. But she was dragging her feet about signing the divorce papers, and it was getting irritating. We had dozens of conversations about it, and each time she brushed it aside like it wasn't important. Her cavalier attitude made me angry.

The truth was, I was fed up with being shackled to her. She was the gift that kept on giving...headaches. I couldn't even make love to a beautiful woman without her taunts interrupting me. I wanted her gone from my life in the worst way. But like everything else in our existence, this too had to be twisted and turned until it was convenient for her.

Fuck her.

"I thought that this was pretty straight forward, Paige. What's the problem?" I asked impatiently as she sat in her bed smoothing lotion on her body. This was a new thing that she'd been doing lately when she was getting ready for bed. Didn't matter that I was standing right there. She even had the nerve sit there looking smug wearing some brand-new lingerie that her asshat boyfriend probably bought her.

"You can't honestly expect me to sign some papers without having a lawyer look them over." She said in a "I can't believe I have to explain this" tone of voice.

"They've been sitting on your dresser for nearly a month now. Your lawyer can't look them over if you DON'T GIVE THEM TO HIM!"