Man Plans, God Laughs

"Okay, you can tell me about it after work at Murphy's. And I want no razzing when I get my froofy drink, or you're on your own," she lectured.

Anna sat opposite me with a very amused look on her face as I stumbled and stuttered talking about Rose when we met at Murphy's later that day.

"So you haven't dated anyone since your divorce five years ago? No one? Wow. I knew you were kind of lame, but I didn't realize you had moved the needle all the way to pathetic," she mocked.

I cringed at the mockery, yet I knew Anna was right. I also knew her tone with me was still caring.

"So how long ago did she give you her number? Are we still in the same month? Year?"

"It was five days ago, Missy, and you keep up with the smart mouth and I'll turn you over my knee," I admonished, only half seriously.

"Ooh, we both might like that," she chirped back.

One of us blushed, and it wasn't her.

"Seriously, Mike, what's the problem? You're not a troll, you've got a lot going for you. Give her a call," Anna said.

Anna spent the next half-hour telling me about some of the things she and her friends do on dates. I resisted the urge to pull out a pad and take notes.

"Can you dance?" she asked at one point.

"Does the pope have three left feet?" I responded back.

"I'll take that as a no, then. You know, women really like it when a man takes them dancing. It's kind of physical, gets things revved up," she said with a big grin on her face.

"It does? Seriously? I always thought that was sort of an urban legend," I said.

"Truth, 100 percent. It's sort of like foreplay," she said.

"La-la-la," I said as I covered my ears.

She gave me that look, then grinned again.

"Oh, and by the way, don't forget to have a condom with you. You can't be too prepared," she said, looking me straight in the eyes.

"Yes, Mom," I smarted back.

I called Rose when I got back home that night and set a date for the next Saturday.

Anna told me not to spend too much time talking about my previous marriage, but to answer honestly any questions about it that Rose asked. I was uncomfortable talking about what happened with a relative stranger, but Rose was very empathetic. She then told me her tale of woe, which included a 15-year marriage ended when her she caught her husband in bed with a neighbor of theirs.

Traci:

The actual physical pain of the syphilis I had contracted was nowhere near as bad as the humiliation I got at my doctor's office. Don't get me wrong, the doctor and the two nurses I dealt with were completely professional, but I could see they were appalled at having to deal with me. It didn't get any better when I listed six different men as recent sexual partners for them to notify.

"Shit. Six notifications," I heard one nurse whisper to the other after she first perused my sheet. Probably a good thing she's not 25."

I probably would have ripped her face off if she had said that out loud to me, but I had to admit to myself that it sounded really bad when I heard the comment.

I hadn't thought about it too much, but I guess I had taken liberal advantage of my being single for the last several years. When Rafe dumped me after Mike divorced me, I guess I kind of went a little nuts. I think I might have been searching for someone to replace Mike and Rafe, but if that was the case, I didn't even get close. How do I replace what Mike and I had for 23 years, and how could I replace the incredible sexual connection I had with Rafe? I don't know, maybe in my mind I was making up for quality with quantity. I never really gave it a thought as to how many men I was sleeping with until I had to account for my partners.

Without a doubt, fucking most of my partners bareback was stupid and irresponsible. It's not like I was a drunk slut. I was always sober enough to know what I was doing, and I always chose guys who looked clean and well-groomed. I guess like the old story goes, when you sleep with someone you are also sleeping with everyone they have slept with recently. I just never thought... idiot. At least I didn't have to tell anybody else about my problem.

Mike:

Rose and I were married about a year after our first date. We both still had some trust issues, but we worked through them with love and the help of a really good counselor.

I pushed off Rose gently and we lay on our sides facing each other, both of us panting from exertion. After 25 years of marriage, and both being 75, once a week lovemaking was enough. We would spend another 10 minutes kissing and cuddling before drifting off to sleep.

To say Rose was my savior wouldn't be an overstatement. After divorcing Traci, I was lost. Hell, I didn't even know how to date. She let me feel my way--sometimes literally--and we kind of grew together. Although I wouldn't have put money on it, I found a soul mate with which to grow old.

Traci:

I was a little more suspect in my choice of partners once I was back in circulation after my... uh... problem. Some of it was probably because of menopause. Some was probably because while I still looked pretty good as I hit my 50s, the 20-somethings and 30-somethings were no longer looking my way. In fact, with a lot more available single woman than men in their 40s and 50s, the competition was pretty stiff in those age groups, as well.

If somebody would have asked me a few years ago, I would have told them it was a done deal: I was going to grow old with my loving husband, Mike. Because I was an idiot, it didn't work out that way.

I way overplayed my hand with Mike. I mistook his being a nice guy for weakness. I thought he loved me so much that at the very least, he would forgive me my transgression.

I moved into a senior community a few years ago. My old house was way too big for me as a solo act. I see my kids and grandkids every few months. It took several years for the relationship I had with my kids to return to somewhat normal.

The relationship between Mike and I has stayed friendly, although we stopped doing our lunches after I figured out it wasn't going to get me any closer to him.

It took several years, but Mike finally started to date again after several years of being a hermit. I admit to being jealous of the way he looks at Rose. When the whole family gets together for holidays, I can't help but notice the adoring looks, the cute ways they interact. Makes me want to puke. It should be me.

Was it worth it, I ask myself. I never like the answer.