All Comments on 'Marcus of Duros Ch. 03'

2thumbs up. Very nice sex scene

You are a good writer. Your sentences are clean, easy to read, and the plot is easy to follow. The idea is interesting, and Durosian culture is an interesting premise, but... your characters are off.

First of all, Marcus. He has killed 150 men. His behavior, on the other hand, is not of someone who had killed even a single man. When a man spends years killing and killing and killing, two things can happen: a) he becomes a psychotic wreck, or b) he develops a certain air about him as if there is no shit in the world that could get to him now; that everything that he encounters is trivial, and that everything he does is a god-given right.

Marcus' thoughts and views, however, are exceedingly innocent and egalitarian. He simply does not sound like someone who had grown up in a Spartan-like society (because, let's face it, Duros is like Sparta of ancient Greece). I know that you want to make him a kind of a revolutionary - in his mind and his views, at least - that would care for his girl, for the sake of this story. But that does not fit the profile of Duros. Marcus simply seems like present-day American. Not hard Durosian. No matter what you think, society has exceedingly strong say in what you become as a person, and your Marcus is not what Durosian society would have made him.

Durosian Lords also lack that thing that would have made them Durosian in nature. They sound more like French noblemen who are regaled by war stories. Real veterans know that war is horror, and there would have been a different air in Marcus' report in the previous chapter.

When I say all this, that doesn't mean that everyone is a heartless son of a bitch - on the contrary, they would care for their soldiers a lot - but things would have been different.

As for Durosian women, of which Chloe is the only example, I see that they are mostly a model of oriental submissiveness. That fits the profile, as she could really be a woman that could spin a hard soldier's mind; especially if she was "trained" in the arts of seduction, as I would expect it to be the case. What I would expect as well, is that Durosian women are actually quite vicious, but with secretive and underhanded means. That would give your story an additional layer. The other option would have been that if Marcus is the atypical Durosian with his oddly egalitarian thoughts, then Chloe would have been a scandalously rebellious woman from Durosian standard's point of view, who would have given him something to fight for. These sorts of things simply spice up a story in a significant way.

So, bottom line is that you need to work on your characters from a bit realistic point of view, if you want your stories to be really interesting. The way you are doing it now might seem sweet and all, but ultimately it's not memorable enough. But, since this is your first story, I hope that you can take this into account for your subsequent ones, because nobody ever became a good writer - be it erotic or non-erotic - if he didn't write all the time.

Specifically, the part about the Durosian Lords' behavior (which, on the other hand, was required a bit by the plot to help with the Lieutenant's nervousness), and the part about Marcus being either shellshocked beyond much else, acting like an arrogant prick, or seeming utterly jaded about life, (or at the very least compartmentalized to a high degree), I'm not sure I agree about the women needing to be underhanded.

Not because I don't think it would necessarily happen (it probably would), but because if the author doesn't want that in the plot, then it doesn't really feel like it HAS to happen.

The aforementioned characters' behavior though? That.... should probably be noted, yes.

And I heartily agree with the sentiment that women wearing shirts which are far too tall for them look adorable in them.

Thank you hentai.

MC behavior is possible in a sense. if a culture raises its citizens with different morals and views on human life, than taking a life wouldn't cause the ptsd or psycho personality s that are described. marcus is raised to view war as a daily and mundane job as it were. therefore its as simple as perhaps playing pro sports for the men of duros. also, they may have been put through severe training that focused their trauma in other directions, not just mental.

if you want your characters to be more realistic, go watch a documentary. There all kind of human beings. Why can't Marcus and Chloe be the ones with the traits described by the author? Why does they have to be like you described even though they tend to be common.

The author was trying to write about someone extraordinary not a typical example of people in a society.