All Comments on 'Marked'

My first read in the special, and a really good one. Too bad she didn't see that she had been replaced a little sooner. Love the last paragraph. No wimp here.

But I have a BIG question. Were they married? It doesn't seem like it. Which means you're in the wrong category. And three months seems like an awfully short time frame for another man to separate the two of them, talk her into a short haircut, a tattoo of his name above her vagina, a pierced nipple and then knock her up and throw her out? Talk about a brief window of opportunity. In the meantime "Honey" (since you don't give him a name) has managed to replace one live-in girlfriend with another and has gotten so friendly with the replacement that he wants to meet her parents? Like I said - your timeline in this story moves at lightspeed and didn't work for me. Too improbable. In the end it was a nice, but obvious twist that "Honey" stole the contract. Tom deserved that. But who has only one copy of an important contract? Glad to see you can write something other than a RAAC. One other comment I just can't resist. Why did you let another author rewrite your story "Guilty" only to put the same ending on it? That seemed odd. I was expecting a different ending. Oh well. Thanks for the effort and I look forward to December.

3 stars

She downgraded, he upgraded.

I feel bad for the child. His/her mother has a long, difficult time in front of her.

I love it when a plan comes together. Thanks for posting this entertaining read.

Amerrryman 2.0

Loved the Parker contract revenge-reveal at the end.

I wouldn't have opened the door to start with

Great story. Love your work.

Got the swine fired, got rid of a weak, cheating spouse and was on the point of marrying up?

Nice story. 5*, of course.

This is just excellent--one of those concise, tight stories that tells us everything we need to know without any wasted effort. Clear, powerful, and delightfully vengeful. Not too hot, not too cold, but just right!

Thanks, ohio

I really feel like this was a perfect flash story! Flash is a hard style, but this worked well without any wasted words.

It is hard to conceive of her attempt to win him back without her doing any preparation nor orchestrating any type of scheme. If this had been a two page story, the absence of which would be glaring. However in a flash story, the reader can just assume "Narcissist" stereotype and move on.

It has now gotten impossible to detect that you write with English as a second language. That is a fine accomplishment, especially on a supposedly older story.

Well Done! Really worth all 5! Thank you very much!

Is this the same guy that had his main character take back his Slut Wife porn star / prostitute / band groupie ???

Well , keep that one , and we'll keep this one !

Krasser Respekt für Deine Eeeerhrrrre 😜

Fünf Sterne from Germany

@andyinoz - Yes, I sort of figured that he had something to do with it, glad to have it confirmed.

@Huedogg2 - If he didn't talk to her at all, there'd be no story!

@Anonymous - The timeline has no bearing on the story. Would the pertinent facts be any different if it had been a year

Gotta love it.

Odd really, you say its an old story that you "dusted off" for the event. l like your stories & I perceive this as being one of your best! thanks again.

Maybe the cucks are out in force today, or LW readers don't recognize clever, intelligent writing when they see it.

Loved the conversation in this . Wonderful .

Wishing it was longer as was enjoying so much , but realise it was just right .

Short , sharp , bang on target .

5 *

If you know that the person your spouse left you for was doing it for revenge, then the best thing you could do is let that person get your revenge for you. So that your spouse could feel the betrayal themselves that they exacted on you.

And he exacted revenge on the bad guy. Game-set-match.

Simple, nicely done.

Have to agree @Bebop3, that I feel bad for the kid too.

Have to agree @Anon that said the 3 months seemed a little tight, especially for him to have moved on that quickly with a new serious relationship. But then again, these two definitely didn't seem to have had that great of a relationship, so maybe her leaving didn't really affect him that badly.

Thanks for a great story! 5* from me. I like how the guy just moved on and lived his life...karma is a bitch. Thanks for the story...you are a very good writer.

"Buckeye Fan"

Just keep writing these fantastic stories please everyone you write I seem to enjoy

It seems that a significant number of readers don't appreciate how hard a concise, fully developed short story is to write. This one is excellent. The last paragraph cemented a 5*

To change like that. To do the horrible humiliating break up. I would of taken the cold blooded route and destroyed her right there. Thats just me tho. 5

had a great relationship in highschool. but just like the story...more a friends with benefits thing. idk if she ever cheated. but she did visit her home country, and accidentally mentioned clubs and dancing. after that, i was suspicious. and she seemed more selfish, and demanding.

i put my foot down when i literally injured my foot. lol

she wanted me to visit, i told her to visit me instead, cuz of the injury.

she kept arguing, and that's when i decided to dump her. how strong is a love like that? just recently, going through old papers, i read a lil' love note she left me. it was cute...but oddly clinical. i wonder how i never noticed it before. the way she addressed me was one of a really good friend, not a lover. talking about the good times...like it was in the past...when it wasn't. that was odd.

she tried to make me jealous. lol it was cute. but like your story...i didn't kick her...and tell her about my new spanish g/f. of course she kept calling me....somehowe that roomate i shouldn't be worried about became her b/f. hahah.

it didn't bother me, but was funny. if she really wanted me back...all she had to do was apologize and have a serious heart to heart....kinda like the woman in your story had trouble doing.

Good read ! 5*

You really make us native-speaking American English folks look bad. Well, some of us, anyway (holds up hand). Wunderbar!

. . . it had something different, the ex just walking in and expecting all to be forgiven. The pregnancy seemed a bit much for the story, e abuse it was working just fine before that was mentioned

that was badass lol im actually going to use this dumb ass rating system that i never use and give u 5 *s just wow ty for the read best flash story i read in LW

Figured it out the first time he glanced at the hallway. Kind of cliche, but fun to watch her squirm.

Well done, thanks.

Perfect way to end thing!

You could give lessons on how to write flash stories😉 Thanks for sharing.

A one-page gem.

Hooked

But begging for a punchline.... may I suggest when the 'sleepy long-maned beauty emerged from the bedroom' asked "Who was that?" our surprised ex boyfriend replies... Your sister!( completely forgetting his rule " not to kick someone already lying on the floor.") Some people just scream for that last kick! I gave it 4**** mainly for the absence of the 'last kick'

But, Stev2244, sadly, that puts you on my list. The list of Authors who write beter than I and for whom I will have eternal jealousy. LOL

Sincere and Best Regards,

C

After two or three readings to clear my mind I found the connection, after being misled by her zero explanation, misled by the dance plus the female at the end, and continually looking back along the corridor.

There it was. Tom sacking was how he got his own back with taking the Parker contract and then letting it be used as a table mat complete with coffee stains. Almost a page out of a detective novel.

Gave me a laugh at how I had missed it the first time.

I liked it and give it a five for making me read and search for the clues etc. Iceman

So much in so few words. :)

This story did that.

Reinforcing just how good this was. The better man won.

Now THAT was a BTB story

An excellent story with great imagery. I particularly like the tie-in with the contract. Revenge is sometimes very sweet.

5 starrs

I got a kick out of the humorous depiction of her awkward striptease, and how much the narrator enjoyed how forced and stilted it was. Amazing that she thinks a striptease that shows off reminders of her infidelity would succeed in winning him back. Glad the narrator viewed her idiotic attempt with the same incredulity as the reader!

Move on from the cheating wife.

Annihilate your enemy.

Find a true mate to spend your life with.

Live happily ever after.

Simple to wish for; hard to get; but, when you have them all... 'doesn't get any better than this.

Good one, Steve. Thanks for the share.

I like the fact that He treated her with Mercy, however ... something really needs to be done about Tom. The way you have left us, Tom gets to shit on everyone.

Like a thousands of BTB stories without B and without B.

This is Jedd Clampett (carvohi) on someone else's computer

This was great! It didn't take me long to get into her desperation, and then his understanding. This wasn't a BTB; it went deeper than that. He wasn't getting even; he was apologizing, he was feeling compassion, but still feeling a genuine sense of grievance.

Great story!

An Anon. commented on the changes in your writing. I went back and reread "Watching the Clouds". Yes you're better with English now than most of us. By the way I totally enjoyed "Watching the Clouds" the first time, and enjoyed it again.

This was superb! Certainly a well earned five.

Just a brief comment. In your introductory paragraphs your protagonist excuses his stupid reactions to being NUMB! A more appropriate descriptive would have been four letters too. DUMB!

Nice to show compassion, but Tom... maybe a sequel?

A cold and brutal revenge. Handsome? Decayed inside and rotten on the outside,to do to another human being what he did to her - and all over losing a promotion to the better man! He needs to be hunted down and brutalized; just losing his job is nothing. What a plot and well written.5*s.

...and the contract would have been typed out In duplicate with carbon paper, it would have been easy to "steal" a contract and destroy the only other copy. But, alas, it's the 2000s, and contracts are copied onto computer harddrives and The Cloud now-a-days, and you'd need to be an IT-wiz (or know an IT-wiz who liked you, or could be bought) to delete all copies of a contract. I just have to assume he knew an IT-wiz.

Good job with the axe-handless BTB. 4-Stars

At least take out pregnancy if you want mild punishment

I agree with the comments of others who wonder WHY did she do it. The cheating is inconsistent with everything else we know about her, and without some sort of explanation for the sudden turn of personalities, the whole story fails. On a different topic, Scott will lose Nancy's lawsuit against him for breaches of fiduciary duty in mismanaging her accounts.

The explanation was told several times:

SHE WAS WEAK.

THE RELATIONSHIP WAS WEAK.

You seem to be commenting a Bebop3's story "Broken Links". Scott and Nancy are characters in that story, the only two names I saw in this one were Tom and Parker. Better luck next time.

I think Stev here did a fine job of dismantling his ex in a very efficient manner without raising his voice or making threats, the lady in the bedroom was a nice touch too. The power the folded, stained Parker contract held was perfect. Signed: BTW

Nice story, nice touch in the end. His ex was totally clueless.

your enemy and his whore

can't vote on an unfinished story

But it might have read better if you had kicked her a little bit while she was down,

I hope you have stories in your basket for a prequel and an after story.

what about the seducer? doesnt he deserve a little physical retribution beyond getting fired?

A lot more pain

I think the story is finished perfectly, plus it shares my feelings on body piercings too.

enjoyed most of it, but would have been good to get Toms reaction to being fired, etc. it was almost complete

The last paragraph, referencing the "Parker Contract", Was a NICE touch. It bumped this story to 4 stars.

what’s parker contract? is that a contract killer?

Perfect - 5*

where's btb. just pathetic

Wow. A barn burner!

A short, sweet gut shot. Well done!

Amazing

Now this was a very good story! Not bad like the last few!

Napalm BTB!!! 5/5!

No plot here. Just an old stereotype from many BTB stories. The author is not even capable of making a perfunctory plot, he is simply regurgitating BTB stereotypes.

Excellent

To hell with that cheating, disgusting, pregnant cunt whore. I hope she dies in childbirth. Out with the old, in with the new,. I love fiction.

Five Stars

Awesome BTB!!!

Again, an almost perfect BTB.

I remember another story where as the ex was leaving, but still there, the new woman came out of the bedroom and it was the ex's sister! I thought that was going to happen here.

DarkDonut, we’re all waiting for that powerful first time from you. I keep checking but it still says zero stories. But I’m sure everyone appreciates your constructive criticism.

Ahhhhhhhh! The most excellent short story on this subject I have read yet, almost hysterically funny description of the attempted strip tease was great. Then she just gives up and walks out! Oh well, easy come easy go.

Ohh, So Good! Loved it!

Good story. I like the ending.

No fireworks but I liked how the manage to depict the subtleness of the drama that actually enhanced the ending.

Nice work steve2244.

well written but I have to despise the kind of cunt/human that would ditch one man for another, then come back and try to manipulate the 1st into taking me back and providing for me as a back up failsafe care taker. obviously they have no pride, self respect or values(ie genes) worth passing on.

A gentle and civilised take on the BTB story told as only this author can.

LA

Short and sweet. Nice job. Funny, concise, good back and forth. He leads her to a conclusion that makes it obvious.

He makes the easy and correct decision. Nice story.

Les

Not into BTB, but well written, with an appropriate ending.

Perfect!

5/5 Excellent tongue-in-cheek humour, with remarkable insight, succinctly but compassionately told! Very well done, thank you!

LOL last 6 paragraphs were great. Especially the very last one

I would have gone to 5 stars if Tom had returned her personally to gloat about his conquest, only to be sent packing with the slut and handed the missing contract asking him if was his. ⭐⭐⭐⭐

viking

Really? This was old? It sure is on a par with his more recent stuff. Meaning 5 to the 5. Nice twist at the end.

And I love LPN's "napalm," too.

QM

5stars. Truly a detached, cold burn.

So he watches his ex do a striptease while his current girlfriend is asleep in his bedroom? No wonder his ex cheated on him.

Great story. A five! Randi.

This is how a flash story should be written! 5 stars!

This was painfully obvious from the outset and not worth the effort to read to the end to confirm.

Clever dialogue and great writing. Five all the way.

5* Neat story. OK, it's got lots of holes in it - but it's under 3000 words and I can fill in the gaps. I'm maybe surprised his new long-maned beauty didn't hear the music sooner but if she had it would have been a different story. The overall style of the writing here is very good; I can believe the picture you paint. This is also nicely pulled together with a strong (if half expected) twist at the end. Thank you.

Boring! Not a story at all!

Unusual premise here - Self-Immolation of The Bitch.

EXCELLENT!!

That was a neat little flash story. I don’t think the ending matched the beginning though. I’ll have to look at it again and see. I thought that the MCs mood at the start was somewhat depressed but I may have misread that. The ending with the new GF was a bit of overkill because my understanding is they had only been broken up for 3 months. That’s not time enough for a divorce so the assumption must be that they were more a long time couple than married. Even if they were not married, finding a new partner and her bringing up meeting her parents in that time would trip a lot of red flags.

But since this is a short story, it’s tight and well done. Thanks for your work