All Comments on 'Mary and Alvin Ch. 02'

It's so much easier to develop big personalities, or quirky characters. Giving depth to someone so ordinary and making them interesting is a greater challenge and you did it well. The death of Mary's father and her awkward first time were more poignant and relatable because of how mundane they were. I really like the way Mary is developing.

After your richly detailed description of Maine, your Southern California felt kind of flat. Not that it needed as much time as your primary setting, but a few words about the sights and sounds would have brought Mary's past to life in the same way you did her present.

"Massholes" made me laugh out loud when I got it, which I'm embarrassed to say took me a second or two longer than it should have.

God, it was just like my first time! Neither of us had any idea what we were doing. Except we were both toshy to even say the word orgasm. Such an awkward and uncomfortable memory. I hope the next chapter is about Alvin (I have a little crush on him.)

5 stars

I am slowly reading your poignant romance story. I really liked your 'my rise and fall' series, it spoke to me.

These stories on the other hand. Ugh! Why do people do what they do. The ordinary first time of a young woman.

easy reading...

Love the first two chapters of this series.

Hm...interesting interlude. The story explains how hard her father's death hit her and certainly explains that while she's very assertive, she's also impulsive in Wyatt's case--which leads to the flawed "conclusion" in marrying him--when she employed sex first instead of just talking to him about future plans; not investing in discovering what he wanted for the relationship and his life (and with her) guaranteed snuffing out their union quickly. While I don't think a single reader would hold that failure against Mary, they could hold her impulsivity against her, because if she doesn't fix what sunk that first relationship, she's doomed to repeat it with far more disastrous results. It's enough that you potentially foreshadow a major disaster with referring to Moby Dick.

*

The story explained her dad's death well, along with her trying to relate to Wyatt, but it lacked something more. Competently done. 4

I always enjoy reading the back story, you always do a great job of filling in the gaps.

Sigh. Again, time structure is getting to me--already. (Sorry. I left a comment somewhere in "My Fall and Rise" about this.) The backstory about Wyatt is either too long or not long enough. Since you've told us this much, why not say *something* explaining what happened? Failing that, the mere mention of her having been married (a way back) seems like enough. (Or if she were telling Alvin, instead of the narrator telling *us*, it could easily enough be made to fit naturally.)

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In terms of the sheer mechanics of writing, this story excels. I like it pretty well, so far.

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Oh. One more thing. Some others of your series of stories are categorized as Novels and Novellas. Thank you for labeling this one as Romance. Personally, I can't imagine going to this site (or any other) and saying to myself, "Hmm, I'm in the mood for something really long." I look for stories about something I would want to read. (Admittedly, some readers can't be bothered to read anything more than two pages long, and complain if a story is longer.)