Mary and Alvin Ch. 20

Alvin took her arm and they climbed the porch steps. Diana and Molly stood in the doorway. They each gave her a hug, then Alvin led her up the stairs to their bedroom. He glanced into the bathroom as they went by. There was no sign of the morning's bloody mess.

There was a big vase of lilacs on the dresser, and an elegant pink orchid in a glazed pot. Mary looked at the attached card and saw it was from Seth. She wondered if he had made the gesture on his own or at Charlotte's urging, but she was grateful either way.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and Alvin knelt before her.

"What can I do for you sweetheart? Do you want something to eat?"

She shook her head. "Maybe a little later. But some water, I am very thirsty."

He brought her a glass of water from the bathroom, then helped her into her pajamas. She laid back on the bed, and Alvin sat beside her, holding her hand.

"I feel like we should be talking about what happened," Mary said, "But I don't know where to start or what to say."

He touched her face. "We will have time for that, sweetheart."

"Okay, love." She rolled on her side, facing him. "I need to tell my Mom what happened."

"I called her this afternoon, honey. She will be here tomorrow."

Mary began to cry. Alvin stroked her head.

"I'm just so tired, Alvin. I slept all day and I am still so, so tired."

"Go to sleep, honey. I'll be right here."

Mary closed her eyes and in a few minutes, she was asleep. Angus trotted into the room, hopped on the bed and curled up against her back. Alvin could hear the sound of his family's voices drifting up from downstairs. He was grateful for their support, but at the same time, he wished they could all just go away and leave him alone with Mary. They seemed to sense that he wanted this time with her, and stayed downstairs, as the afternoon faded into dusk.

Alvin's mood seemed to darken with the room. He could not stop thinking about the sight of Mary lying on the floor in a pool of blood, and remembering Bonnie, lying lifeless in her garden. The danger is past, he knew, but he could not shake the picture from his mind. Even worse, he felt a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach when he remembered what the paramedic had said, that his attempts to help her had likely been useless. "Alvin, did you save my life?" Mary had asked, and he had said that he didn't think so, but he knew that he did not, that at her moment of greater need, there was nothing he could do to help her. That was the one thing he could not accept, it made him feel like a failure, a fraud.

He grew restless. He stood up and paced to the window and back. He felt agitated, angry at himself, angry at the doctors who did not warn them that this might happen, angry at the whole fucking world.

Charlotte came into the room. "Daddy," she said, "You really ought to get something to eat. I'll sit with Mary a while."

Alvin nodded, muttered a thanks, left the bedroom and went down stairs. Theo and Rachel were in the living room, watching television. He sat down on the couch, then immediately had to get back up. He needed to do something, to at least be in motion.

He went to the kitchen, where Jennifer and Danni, Molly and Diana sat around the table.

"Come sit down, honey," Diana said.

"In a bit," he said, "I need some fresh air."

He passed through the mudroom and walked out into the dooryard.

Once he was outside, he began to shake. He felt an urge to cry out, to scream in rage and pain, to let all the tension and pressure within him explode out into the night.

His hands were clenched in tight fists as he paced in a circle around the yard. His child was dead. There can be another, he told himself, we will try again, but a louder voice said, no, you can't, you must not. Mary could have died. There was so much blood, what if she had bled just a little more? What if he had not been in the house to hear her fall? What if the ambulance had taken longer to get there? What if it happened again? What, his mind screamed so loudly that it deafened all reason within him, if he had lost her, like he had lost Bonnie? What if he was cursed, a jinx, what if he had damned her with his love?

He was breathing in huge, rapid gasps. He marched to the side of the barn and, in pure blind fury, he swung his fist into the wall as hard as he could. A sharp, sickening pain shot up his arm, but he swung again. This time he heard something snap, but he swung yet again, and the world went black.

His vision was blurry. He tried to focus, but the intense pain clouded his mind. It took him a minute to realize that he was sitting on the ground, and that strong arms were encircling him, holding him up.

"Mary," he muttered, "I need to go to Mary."

"Mary is alright," a voice said, as if from a great distance.

"No, I need to..." His head started to swim, but the voice came again.

"What you need is to stay with me," it said, "I'm going to lift you, try to stand."

Alvin managed to get his feet under him and rise, the strong arms lifting and assisting him. Vertigo swept over him and he almost fell, but the arms held him securely. His head cleared and he turned to see who was supporting him.

"Danni..."

"Come on Alvin, I'm taking you to the hospital. I think your hand is broken."

"But, Mary..."

"Jen and Charlotte are with her, they will make sure she is alright."

Alvin tried to stagger toward the house, but Danni pushed him to her car. She opened the door and got him into the passenger seat.

"I'll be right back," she said, "I need to talk to Jen and get my keys."

He started to rise, but she put a hand in the middle of his chest and gently pushed him back. "Alvin, I will fucking cuff you if I have to."

He sat back, closed his eyes and lost consciousness. When he opened them again, they were in town. Danni turned into the emergency room driveway. The light was almost blinding. She pulled to the curb, came around to his side of the car, and walked him into the ER waiting room. It was a slow night, and by the time she got back from moving the car to a parking space, he was already being seen.

Alvin felt distanced while he watched the doctor examine his hand, as if he was watching all this happen to another person.

When Danni came back in, reality took hold, and he focused on listening to what the doctor was saying to her.

"I'm thinking he's fractured his third metacarpal," he was telling her, "this one." He tapped the knuckle at the base of his middle finger. "We will take some x-rays and we will know for sure."

"Do you think it will require surgery?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I doubt it. He'll probably need to keep it in a cast for about six weeks, then he might need some physical therapy, we'll have to see."

"How soon can I go home?" Alvin asked.

The doctor frowned. "Well, Mr. Faulkner, uh, I have to ask first..." He hesitated.

"He punched a wall, Doc," Danni said, "No one else was involved."

The doctor nodded. "Thank you, deputy. I'll go get that x-ray set up. I'll be back in a minute."

When he had left, Alvin scowled. "Danni, does he think I hurt Mary?"

"No, Alvin, he has to ask that. He's a mandated reporter."

"I'd never hurt her."

"We all know that, Alvin," she said, rubbing his shoulder. "But you'll hurt yourself," she muttered.

Alvin's hand was x-rayed and set in a cast. They gave him a bottle of pain pills and a prescription for more. Danni brought the car around to the entrance and he got in, clumsily opening and shutting the door with his left hand.

They drove out of the hospital lot, but Danni pulled to the side of the street after only a few blocks.

Alvin looked over at her. Even in the dim light of the dashboard, he could see she was angry.

"What's going on, Danni?"

She put the car in park, and turned in her seat to face him.

"Alvin," she began, her voice cold but bearing an edge, "I want you to listen to me, and listen good."

She really sounds like a cop, he thought. "I'm listening."

She exhaled loudly. "Alvin, I need you. We all need you. Most of all, Mary needs you. And I mean you. Alvin Faulkner." She jabbed her finger at him. "Not...this guy, whoever the fuck he is."

"Danni, I..."

"Shut up and listen to me. We need Alvin the stone wall, the mighty fucking oak tree, whatever fucking metaphor works for you. We need the guy who held his whole family up when his father died, the guy who buried his wife and went home and raised his daughters. We need that guy, and we need him right now."

They sat quietly for a minute.

"I hear you, Danni."

"Okay, hear one more thing."

"What?"

"You shut your hand in the car door. Mary will not know that at the lowest point in her life, you lost your shit."

"I understand," he said. He stared out the window a minute. "I agree."

"Good. You had your moment of drama, now we all need to keep our shit together."

She put the car in gear and drove towards home. When she turned on to Puddledock Road, Alvin said. "Danni, I am so sorry to have disappointed you."

Danni shrugged. "I had a suspicion that you were human all along."

Diana and Charlotte were sitting at the kitchen table when they got home. Charlotte looked at the cast on Alvin's hand and sighed.

"Sit down, honey," Diana said, "Tim brought by a couple of pizzas. You haven't eaten anything all day."

"I need to see Mary."

"You need to eat. Sit down."

"You sound like Mom."

"Mary is asleep and Jennifer and Rachel are with her. We need to take care of you, too."

"Eat, Daddy, please," Charlotte implored.

Alvin sat down and flipped open the pizza box. He picked up a cold slice and bit into it. "Tim always figured pizza could make anything better," he said.

Danni stroked Alvin's head, then went into the living room and flopped on to the couch. By the time Alvin finished his slice, he could hear her softly snoring.

"She said we should tell Mary..." he began.

Diana cut him off. "We know what she said. She's right."

Alvin nodded. "Di," he said, "I haven't thanked you for cleaning up the mess."

"Well, don't," she said with a soft chuckle. "I went up to do it, and I couldn't. I started to get sick."

"Well, then who..."

"Rachel."

"Jeezum crow."

Diana nodded, her expression showing her pride in her daughter.

Alvin stood and laid his hand on his sister's shoulder. "Why don't you go ahead and go home, we will be alright."

"Call if you need anything."

"I will."

He leaned down and kissed her cheek, then went upstairs. He stopped in front of Jennifer's old bedroom, the room he had been converting into a nursery. He was thankful that the door was closed. If he looked inside, he might break completely.

Mary was curled into a ball, fast asleep. Jennifer was lying on top of the covers next to her. She looked up at him and gave a little wave. Rachel was sitting in the chair by the dresser, reading.

"Sweetie," he told her, "your Mom is getting ready to go home."

She closed her book, came to him and hugged him around the waist, then walked out of the room. Alvin followed her out to the hall.

"Rachel," he softly called.

She turned at the head of the stairs and looked back at him.

"Your Mom told me what you did. There's not much that will be good to remember about this day, but we will always remember that you were here, and what you did for us."

"Thank you, Uncle Alvin."

"You are always reading those books about heroes and such. Turns out that you are one."

Rachel blushed and looked down at her feet. "I hope you and Aunt Mary will have your baby someday."

"We will see, sweetheart."

He felt a hand on his back as he watched her descend the stairs.

"You need to sleep, Daddy," Jennifer whispered.

"I know, but I don't want to wake her up."

"Go sleep in Charlotte's bed, she can sleep down at our house. I'll stay with Mary, and when I get too tired, we can trade off."

"Alright, baby." He hugged her, then stumbled into Charlotte's old bedroom. Some of Mary's clothes were laid out on the bed. He carefully picked them up and moved them, then he sat on the edge of the mattress and kicked off his shoes. Without undressing, he lay back and in a matter of minutes, drifted into a restless sleep.

The house was quiet when he woke. There was not a clock in the room, and he had no idea what time it was, but he had the impression it was very late. He stood up, still groggy, and walked quietly down the hall. He stopped in the bedroom doorway and for a moment he saw Bonnie sitting by the bed, softly stroking Mary's head. Everything's going to be fine, he thought, Bonnie will nurse her. He blinked hard and when he opened his eyes, he saw that it was Jennifer at Mary's side.

"Jenny," he said softly.

She turned and looked at him.

"Baby, go home and get some sleep."

"Are you sure, Daddy? I could stay here."

"No, honey, it's alright. And tell Danni..." He didn't know what to say to express his gratitude.

Jennifer leaned forward and softly kissed Mary's sleeping head. She stood and went to her father, hugging him and reaching up to kiss his cheek.

"I know what to tell her," she said. She looked back at the bed for a minute, then tiptoed out of the room, leaving Mary and Alvin alone together.

Alvin stepped to the bed, then, as slowly and gently as he could, lowered himself behind where Mary slept facing the edge of the bed. He spooned closely against her, and draped his arm over her.

Mary stirred and came to a drowsy wakefulness. She sought to take Alvin's hand, but something felt odd. She opened her eyes fully, and saw the plaster cast.

Her mouth was dry and her voice was weak, but she managed to ask, "Honey, what happened to your hand?"

"It's alright, I just shut it in the car door."

She nestled the damaged hand against her face and kissed his exposed fingertips where they protruded from under the cast.

"Oh, Alvin, I'm so sorry," she said, as tears began to flow down her cheeks.

"No, sweetie, you don't need to be sorry."

She broke into great, deep sobs. "I made you promise, Alvin," she managed to blurt.

"I don't understand, honey."

"I made you promise we'd have a baby," she wailed, and Alvin's heart broke when she added, "I made you promise, and then I couldn't do it. I let you down. I never wanted to let you down."

"No, Mary, no, don't think that way. I love you, you didn't let me down."

Her whole body quaked with deep wracking sobs. "Yes I did, and I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry," she gasped, lapsing into incoherence. She cried until she was exhausted, drifting into a foggy state somewhere between wakefulness and sleep.

Alvin nuzzled against the back of her head. He was too tired to focus, but did not think he would be able to sleep anymore. Without conscious intent, he began to hum, and then, in a barely audible whisper, to sing.

Don't worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright

He nearly drifted off, but came awake again.

Rise up this morning,

His voice broke, and he whispered, speaking more than singing

smile at the rising sun

three little birds sit on my doorstep

Mary rose to consciousness at the faint sound of Alvin's voice.

singing sweet songs

melodies pure and true

He stopped, fighting not to let his sorrow overcome him.

Please, don't stop, Mary thought. I need to hear you. I need your voice, I need your nearness.

Barely audible, Alvin continued his song.

This is my message to you

Mary felt too weak to speak, but in her mind she told him she loved him, again and again.

Don't worry about a thing

'cause every little thing is gonna be alright.

He thought he felt Mary squeeze his injured hand and he stopped singing. He listened as her breath settled into a steady sleeping rhythm. He rested his head against her back and clenched his jaw, fighting to control his own breathing. He was determined to not wake her as he silently wept.

~ To the boy who never was. ~

When lilacs last in the dooryard bloom'd,
And the great star early droop'd in the western sky in the night,
I mourn'd, and yet shall mourn with ever-returning spring.
Ever-returning spring, trinity sure to me you bring,
Lilac blooming perennial and drooping star in the west,
And thought of him I love. -Walt Whitman

-

*Three Little Birds @1977 by Bob Marley