All Comments on 'Master Yoshi'

WOW. What an awesome story.

I'm not sure why but I felt drawn into the way things were happening. You left a lot to inference and imagination: and I felt no lack.

The ending was pretty abrupt, but this is a really exceptional first offering. Please keep writing.

The cadence of the the story changed drastically in the last 2 pages, throwing the rhythm off and degrading the overall product. The accumulation of "wives" was also unnecessary and detracted from what was supposed to center on romance. 3.8*

A real page-turner. Fantastic in every sense of the word.

Thanks for sharing your gift

10 stars if I could.

Tc

Lots of talent, but little sense of what makes a good story. I feel like I have read three or four separate stories thrown into a blender. The story starts out with his sister being uncharacteristically nice to him. Ok - now I am expecting to find out why she is suddenly nice to him. Instead, the blended story drops the sister for many pages, and eventually brings her back without any explanation of what had transpired. The author has very creative ideas, but it would be nice to have stories which concentrate on one idea at a time.

The sister being nice is the curse/blessing caused by invocation of 'Master Yoshi', judgement, forced rebalancing of sufffering and joy. He invokes it several times and it balances his pains with joys, though it's powerful and he doesn't do it on purpose after it Really complicates his life, it just reappears, unbidden - it was cast as a 'spell' by his mother and it's echoing across generations.

There were some points in this where it felt unfinished (especially where you had blanks for clothing sizes or place names), and a few simple typos that would’ve been caught in proofreading, but overall is a very strong story. Could it be more cohesive as others have mentioned? Sure, but it’s refreshing reading a story that’s not one of the often regurgitated tropes.

Honestly, my only real ‘complaint’ of the plot was that they sent boxes off to the consignment store before checking with Brian’s family if those were any of the things that they wanted to keep. (I assumed the sister suddenly being nice was part of the magic of the shrine blessing, or maybe the Japanese shocked her into re-evaluating her actions)

1. I'll look at the 'unfinished' aspects of __ underscore use, my goal was to avoid overspecifying.

2. Thank you kindly for your comments, I'm relatively new in posting things, so I'm learning what people like.

3. I thought I mentioned that Brian's dad said 'all the stuff we want, we've already removed' but perhaps I didn't make that clear.

4. The sister being nice, yes, was part of the shrine blessing magic - when invoked, it balances the suffering and joy. In the relationship with the sister, it'd been suffering, so their relationship was due for some joy, some good honesty and real openness.

This might have been good but the weeb shit killed it for me by page 2.

This would be way better if you just change all the "Japanese" into italic English text. You honestly don't have the Japanese ability to pull this off and it makes it completely unreadable if you understand Japanese.

せめて日本語ができる人に添削を頼んでくれ。マジで。

@imnotacyberbully , I apologize for being imperfect and not consulting a person who spoke it correctly. I wrote this in about 2 weeks and frankly didn't consider the idea of asking a native speaker. My goal was to be respectful of culture and language and it appears I failed at least as far as you were concerned. Be well, and thank you for your comment.

I enjoyed this story very much. Different from most here. I’d agree the end seemed abrupt. I would love to follow these characters journey thru life. Kevin has more to learn. Also more viewpoints thru female characters. I would not be opposed to reading a sequel. Good luck in your future entries.

This is an impressive story. I do feel let down at the end. Do hope you follow up with these characters!

You imply you are not a native English speaker. If so, you have done a better editing job than most authors published here. Congratulations for a job well done!

Just waiting for more from you!

First of all, I want to start with the positive by praising you for your wonderful writings! I want to thank you for taking the time and effort into sharing what you have with us.

I read this story because you mentioned it in a comment from the end of another story, and thus I felt compelled to read it. Now to the critical parts:

1. I must agree with the others that have written that the end of the story lacked the finesse that the rest of the story had. It was not only rushed, but felt very incomplete. After being in the garage, you could have gone on many pages to tell of their journey and their life story past that point, rather than doing a summary and ending the story short.

2. This is not the first story that you have written that you chose to do a summary ending rather than completing it in a way that could have been more fulfilling to the reader.

3. Though you brought in the Japanese culture very nicely into parts of the story, I must agree that your usage of Japanese was below the levels that you could have done. This was also shown in another story of yours, where you use Hebrew, and it was not using the correct wording For not only the prayers, but the translations as well.

My being critical is not to downplay how enjoyable your stories are, but hopefully to help you improve on how you write in the future. I am going to continue to read your stories, as I truly enjoy them each, and everyone of them for what they are.

Again, thank you for sharing your wonderful imagination and visions with us.

Sincerely,

Daniel