by SpindleTop
The romantic story is great, but I am baffled why Jordan and his associates would steal suitcases and other things from girls that they are involved with. Why put drugs in suitcases that the girls are sure to recognize?
Your characters are believable and so is the plot. A little hard to believe she had never been kissed, maybe things are different in England. Wondered how Ellie hit her head. Loved it - 5 stars
Wow what a beautiful story.
I don’t know what else to say, fantastic, fabulous, hot, stupendous.
Thank you.
nrlane1943@gmail.com
Xxx
I didn't mind the "fuuck" as much, as I do say it myself from time to time in the bedroom. It was a wonderful story. The only part that threw me off was how randomly crazy in love they were some of it felt a bit like a 10 year-olds dreams of what love is supposed to be. Like Ana and Hans from Frozen.
This is good writing. Since you asked for comment and criticism I would join the previous comments that Lucy comes over as just a little too worldly wise, and the fuuuck also felt a little out of context compared to the delicate word use in the rest of the story. I must admit that Nicholas is also a little more hesitant than the majority of latin males, even the very courteous ones, of my acquaintance. But hey, it’s your story, I liked it a lot and I hope you keep writing.
Her character and the way she describes key moments are as touching as they are funny. She says the smell of desperation is off-putting and that she'd drink it untreated sewage if Nicolàs offered. 🤣
One of the best stories I've seen on the site.
Technically excellent, I was never distracted by grammar or spelling mistakes which are so common in other stories. The English was excellent, I cannot make any judgement on the Spanish.
I admit I read Literotica for the sex, though I appreciate a good lead-in story. This one has it all. The story was a little long but very plausible, very well done. The sex was top notch in every way.
Thanks, and keep up the great work.
this is the second time i've read this story and it is enjoyable, plausible and romantic. BTW, Nicolas's English is a little better than he admits. My one quibble would be Lucy's overuse of the word fuck during the lovemaking at the end. It seems both unnecessary and out of character. I look forward to a sequel.
This was such a great story. One that I'll probably think about often. My only suggestion is the usage of "FUUUUKK" at the end of sentences. Lol. It's a little unnecessary and doesn't really add to the story. Everything else was perfect.
In keeping with your request for feedback, I’ll make the following comments:
I’m not a fan of using “fuck” so much, though I’m sure many are. And of my many, no, of my several sexual partners, none of them used that word in the bedroom.
She seemed to be too well versed in all things sexual for a teenaged girl.
A bit more description of the post-intercourse story would have been nice.
i loved this story, it is absolutely amazing. i also would personally like to order myself a Nicolás lol.
An excellent story, with well-fleshed out characters and well-paced. The only thing that was slightly rushed was the appearance and reactions of the sets of parents at the end. That could have been fleshed out a little more, about how Nicolas won over their initial misgivings.
I enjoy these longer form stories. The multiparty story you wrote was so well done. I'd love for you to continue this one as well. Bravo!
Thank you to Anonymous (‘six stars’) for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed the story!
Is Nicolás ‘implausibly perfect’? I’m not sure I’d say he was implausible, but maybe he is one in a few hundred thousand! I think it’s important to say that he’s not a shepherd - he is ‘holding the fort’ while his parents are away for the summer. Clearly he has ambitions beyond the farm and the resort town - and justifiably so - he is a highly intelligent young man. I did have a section which dealt with his backstory, but I ended it up cutting it (relatively late in the drafting process), as I felt the extended conversation dragged a little and it worked better to keep his character that little bit more mysterious. (But I completely understand if you disagree and felt that you needed to get to know him better.)
I imagined Nicolás as having older siblings (possibly he is the youngest of three or four and the only boy - which gives him something in common with Lucy). His sisters are significantly older and settled with their own families - indeed I wrote a few lines of dialogue, in which Nicolás shows Lucy a photo of one of his nephews/nieces. I imagined his parents were in their early sixties and perhaps that they had bought the farm/smallholding as part of plans for an early retirement (now thrown into a little uncertainty through his mother's illness).
I am not familiar with the situation in Spain, but certainly in the UK, the competition for places at medical school is so intense, that teenagers are advised to get experience of working in medical environments before they apply to university*. (Often they will gain a first aid or first responder qualification around the age of 14 - this might be done through an organisation such as the Scouts or through their high school.) The work experience can vary, but for teenagers over the age of 16, it often involves volunteering as a ‘listener’, providing companionship to in patients for a few hours a week (in a hospital or hospice) and shadowing clinicians in school vacations - although opportunities for ‘hands on’ medical work are rare. Similarly Nicolás would be expected to have some sort of experience on his CV/resume, but in his case, living by the sea, next to a resort full of tourists, it seemed seemed reasonable that he would prefer to be a volunteer for the coastguard. (I would far rather tick off my work experience as an auxiliary member of the coastguard by working in a hospital or hospice.)
(*Note that in much of Europe, medicine is an undergraduate degree - unlike in the US.)
I hope filling in more detail about Nicolás’ background and character helps to bring him to life a little more. As I say, I did struggle to get the balance right between fully explaining his circumstances, keeping the plot moving along and also maintaining a little air of mystery about him - I think this is something that a more experienced writer would find easier - I am still very much learning.
With grateful thanks and best wishes,
SpindleTop
It's 2:53 a.m. in Nashville.
Why am I still up?!
Because I'm enjoying your story so much!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...Snort-snort!
Thank you! Careful proofreading, consistent point-of-view, enjoyable characters in a carefully-drawn setting. All wins. My one quibble is that Nicolas seemed "implausibly perfect:" a shepherd, going to med school and in the Coast Guard Auxiliary: really?
This is a great story with great sex but also fantastic drama that held me spellbound right through to the end.
Thank you
Thank you everyone for your very kind comments and supportive feedback!
I'm really pleased that so many of you have enjoyed reading this story - it was a lot of fun to write! I must admit I am a little overwhelmed by the number of you who have awarded me five stars - this is a real confidence boost for me and shows that my writing is improving with each tale I publish. Please do continue to vote and comment, and thank you all for your support!
SpindleTop
No hesitation....5 stars x 2. A great story, well constructed.
Excellent - great characters and realistic dialogue. Looking forward to your next submission
I gave we you a five star rating. I enjoyed the story, I was glad Lucy avoided being stuck with those crooks - nasty men. I hate those kind of guys and I'm male. My guess is you are female. The story had that feminine touch without being sexist. Do put up another story,.
As you Brits say: “well done” (followed by soft clapping). It is nice to read works composed by those who understand English, and can use the language to express feelings and develop characters!
Excellent realistic story, the sex was beautifully handled with a nice slow buid up . A love story, not just a fuck story. Nice dog too.
Really amazing! Keep it the way it is! It's perfect the way you wrot it, cause it authentic! You are a talented writer