Meeting the Parents



"Son, what exactly are you going to do when she doesn't show up? Your mother invited everyone she knows...we know. You know we're behind you and it's your show but it's going to be one pretty huge embarrassment---for you."

"I'll deal with it dad. If I'd invited her home to meet you guys in the first place I wouldn't be in this situation. I screwed up and this was the best I could come up with. I love the damn woman...I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. She's just very stubborn."

"Exactly when are you planning to ask her to marry you? Do you have a ring?"

"Yeah, got a ring...her size I think but it can always be sized if I'm wrong...single solitaire blue white, platinum setting...three carat. I'm going to stand out there at the turn-off to the farm and wait for her...lie down in the middle of the road if I have to...tux and all."

"Take a blanket so you don't get all dusty...and a pillow in case it's a long wait...maybe a lawn chair."

Dad, a question...personal...maybe inappropriate...but sex..."

"Oh, you're finally going to sit down with me at thirty-eight for that all important father- son chat? Wow! I'm all ears."

"Look, dad, I've told you all about Lynn...but I didn't tell you's...well, very unihib..."

"Really, really, great in the sack? Consider yourself lucky. So is your mom...hornier today than the day we got married...wears me out sometimes...a regular pistol! 'Couldn't be happier about it. Too much information?"

"No, just enough. Thanks."

*** Lynn tentatively dialed the number on the invitation. A woman, too young to be his mother answered. He had a sister...could it be her?

"I just wanted to check on the appropriate dress for the party today."

"The men are going semi-formal, dinner jackets without ties; the women...afternoon dressy? Nice dress, but comfortable? Did you want to RSVP so I can check you off the list?"

"No, thank you...I'm not sure if I...I'll call back."

No! She wasn't going to play into Peter Horton's absurd fantasy. A two hour drive...she'd need to leave by 11:00 AM. What to wear...No! Well, she'd...what would she do? Show up and tell him to stop it? He hadn't even hinted at marriage...he said he loved her but generally when they were naked...fucking...after...well other times too but not as often as she would have liked. She dialed the phone again. She called her mother.

"Mom, I need to talk. It's very important. I...this engagement party...I..."

"You're rambling dear. Start at the beginning." And so she did. And then her mother started to laugh uncontrollably.

"Well, dear it's good to know you inherited some of my genetic code! You father and I have been married for what now, almost forty years? Trust me, there is sex---damned good sex---after sixty. Think about what I had to go through in an entirely different era with much stricter rules about girls who enjoyed...'doing it'. I damn near had to bash him over the head and drag him to the altar. It took him some time to figure out that he was lucky not cursed. Neither of us has ever cheated on the other one. He's got all he can handle at home and as for me...he is a very talented old man. Get off your ass and get going. You've got two hours to get ready. I think it's the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life. He loves you. He is the one. Don't screw it up. Read it to me again, every damn!"

*** "May I speak to Peter, please?"

"Who is calling please?"

"He and I have never met. I'm Lynn's mom."


"Peter, we've never met but I feel like I know you. I think she's coming but she was always a stubborn little girl so don't count your chickens, but on the oft chance that she does, my husband and I...we only live a couple of hours from you...we'll, I was wondering if we could wangle an invitation; this is something I don't want to miss. The deal may not be sealed but I'm feeling good about it!"

*** It was just a few minutes before the appointed time; she had watched as an amazing string of cars made the turn and made their way down the winding country road. She looked at her watch again; the party had just begun without her; she pulled off the secondary road at the entrance to their farm. In the distance she could see a lone figure carrying something making his way down the dirt road. He was carrying a lawn chair. He was closer now...wearing a tie...he looked up at her car...he stopped a hundred yards from the entrance and sat down on the lawn chair in the middle of the road and looked right at her. She started her car and moved slowly down the road until she was just in front of him and got out of the car.

"You seem to be blocking the road...what's on your mind?" She said, unable to keep the hint of a smile from forming on her lips.

"I'm waiting for somebody special...the most special person in the world...didn't want there to be a chance in hell that I'd miss her. I wasn't sure she was coming."

"She almost wasn't and technically hasn't yet. What is it exactly you want to say to this person?"

"Well, this is an engagement party; it's hard to have one of those without two people who are in love, a proposal and a ring. There are two people eye balling each other right now who are in love with each other, no denying it. This is how it works; I propose, you say yes, I put a ring on your finger and then I take you up to the house and introduce you to mom, dad, the rest of the family, friends, neighbors...and so on." Peter left the lawn chair and moved toward Lynn.

"Say your piece." Lynn said as the smile began to take control of her lips completely.

Peter went down on his knees. "I love you, Lynn Milton. If you love me half as much as I love you than we should be husband and wife...spend the rest of our lives together in each others' arms...raise a family. Will you marry me Lynn and make me the happiest, luckiest man on earth?"

"The ring?"

"Oh, yeah, almost's in my pocket...goes on the third finger..."

"I know." Lynn said softly as he gently slipped the token of his affection and undying love on her hand.

"That's a start! You let me slide it on there...does that mean...?"

"I could change my mind; it's happened before...a girl accepts a ring and then gets cold feet...isn't sure she...they are...he's the one...the guy she's waited for..."

"Am I that guy?"

"I think you just might be, Peter Horton, I think you just might be."

"Was that a yes?"

"Hold, me kiss me and tell me you love and forever....then we'll see." Peter did so. She whispered the special three letter word in his ear.

"Would you and your lawn chair like a ride up to the house?"

"That'd be helpful."

"Let me dust off your got it dirty kneeling down there in the road. Are you sure you're not worried about the fact that kneeling in front of you like this with my mouth at the perfect level makes me think about..."

"Sucking my cock?"

"Uh, huh."

"That makes me one pretty lucky guy...or so my dad told me."

"Your dad?"

"It's a long story best saved for later but I have a strong sense that you and my mother have far more in common than you could even imagine."

Lynn figured it out. "I sort of discovered the same thing about my own mother this morning...oh I wish they could have been here for this...I..."

"They are! Our respective parents are becoming very good friends."

"Wow! How did..."

"She called and told me you might just show up for your own engagement party and she and your dad wanted to be here."


"Are we staying for the weekend?"

"There is a very well appointed guest house suitably separated from the main house by several hundred yards...very private."

"So you think you might get lucky?" Lynn whispered unable to contain a grin.

"You said yes! It doesn't get any luckier than that!"

"Au contraire, my dear friend, there are things we haven't done yet...tricks I haven't shown you...but...a good answer nevertheless."


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I know that’s a word much overused and misused these days, but it’s a word I picked up during my time in the Marine Corps just about 50 years ago, before it became so obsessively “cool”. That’smore...

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