Melting in Your Words

I finished the book that day. I didn't orgasm a third time but I continued to lazily touch myself as I read and before I knew it, it was over. I had read it all. Well, all of that book. It was a series of six after all.

I knew that I had to borrow the third in the series quickly. I needed to read it! At the back of my mind there was a nagging sensation that something was wrong but I put it aside.

I rushed to slide Drenched Letters into the automatic returns, thankfully they had one on each floor, and for the second time that day headed to the library's erotica section. I knew my way now.

I had been briefly tempted to hand the book back to Aristeia but I didn't follow through with that desire. I couldn't hand the book in to her and then immediately borrow the third in the series. That would be too embarrassing, even if a part of me did want to see her reaction. What would that woman look like when someone consciously borrowed an erotica from her? What expression would play across her face?

No, I couldn't. I was a little shocked by the boldness of my idea.

As it turned out however, deliberating on whether I should seek her out was irrelevant, for as I turned the corner into that darkened aisle, I found the end darker than usual. Standing at the far end, blocking out the harsh florescent light and standing surrounded by the warm colours of the books, was Ari.

Ari

I'd messed up again. Overtly this time. Accidentally recommend an erotica one time, you can recover from that. Purposely recommend an erotica a second time, you start to look like a pervert.

A small voice reminded me that "pervert" would not be an inaccurate description of the older student who was trying to push erotic lesbian fiction into an undergraduate's hands. She was definitely super creeped out. I bet she was now seriously doubting whether the first time had been an accident! That was why Ellie had never borrowed the third book.

I probably seemed like a massive perverted stalker that was embarrassingly exposing her interest. I did the exact thing I would have hated anyone to do to me -- confront me on liking erotica.

See I'd got overconfident. She'd borrowed the second one. It had turned up on the system. Borrowed and returned in the space of hours. How could anyone ignore that? Just enough time to devour a book that length but not enough time to have left the library, read it at home and returned.

That little undergrad had read that first book right after I had given it to her, I was sure of that now. She had read it before handing it back in. I had not been mistaken in seeing her reading a book but I had been mistaken in thinking it was an academic book. Following that she had returned, after a few weeks of hesitation, and read the second book in one sitting, right here in the library!

Naughty little erotica initiate!

I had giggled when I'd thought of her that way. I was starting to consider myself someone who had opened her eyes to my own private passion. Introduced...or corrupted? It had been fun to think of that shy girl that way. So I'd wanted to push it, tease her a little.

I had rushed to the erotica section after the system had shown she'd returned Drenched Letters. I'm not even sure why. It wasn't a guarantee that she would go to get the third one. In fact under normal circumstances it would be unusual. She'd only just read it after all. If I was that desperate to see her it was a safer bet to wait at the front desk for her. But something pulled me up there, up to the romance and erotica section, and that's where I'd found her.

Or I suppose, she had found me, since she got there second.

I was delighted.

Our meeting came at the cost of me having to pretend to put books back on the shelf. I made a mental note to re-shelve those history journals at a later date. Still there she stood. A little stunned, a little, dare I say flushed? Still cute though.

Tiny shorts showed off her thighs and a slightly-too-big hoodie covered the rest of her. Definitely cute. She did look surprisingly warm though, despite having her legs bare. I wondered if she was one of those people who naturally ran warm.

I mean...there was another reason she could be that hot and flushed, a voice whispered.

Shh! That's just my own imagination speaking. I couldn't let wishful thinking sully the name of this girl. Even if my knowledge of her reading history tainted her a little.

She had paused half way down the aisle, her brain realising too slowly that the kind of book she would be retrieving was not the kind she wished to be seen retrieving. I thought I would help her out. Selfishly I wanted to be the one to do it, to push her onwards in her discovery. So I didn't let her do it herself.

"Here's the third one." I tried to keep my voice steady. Teasing, but not mocking. Calm, but not uninterested. "Reading week starts on Monday, right? You'll have plenty of time to read it then."

She looked shocked as I placed 'Molten Pencils' into her hand. Part three of our little secret. I decided not to push my luck, and left quickly. Little did I know that I'd already pushed way too far.

She hadn't borrowed it from the library.

Molten Pencils. It was tragic that the relationship drama featured in that book had come to be in my own life. One of the leads becomes too overconfident and possessive, thinking their relationship is stronger than it truly was. They push too far and too fast and both of them get hurt from it. A moment of realism I suppose. The characters had only know each other for a short time, of course there were still things to work out. Oh it gets resolved by the end sure, but the foundation of their relationship is strong. The characters were friends for months before becoming lovers. Dripping Words tracks that slow growth. With that foundation it is understandable that they recovered from their falling out and grew closer. But us? How could we strangers hope to cross hurdles that they struggled with?

I'd scared her off with only my third interaction. It had only been our third interaction! Why had I thought we were close?

She had been on my mind a lot, I have to admit that. I'd imagined a number of conversations and interactions, that was probably why I had felt we had more of a connection than we did. You mustn't confuse fiction with reality, that was something I had needed to be reminded of.

I had liked thinking that behind that cute and meek exterior was a person who had read the same erotica as I. Someone the same as me. That was all my over-confidence. Thinking we were closer than we were. She likely had had no idea I knew what she'd just read. Dumping that knowledge on her was pretty rude. While trying to bridge the gap between us too quickly, I had exposed her to the open air.

I was sad. Even if she hadn't said anything to me in person, her refusing to borrow a book she had clearly gone looking for felt like a rejection. I had handed it to her, that had been enough for her to change her mind. How frustrating!

Over reading week I struggled with the creative writing project I'd been tasked to do. Without lectures taking up time during reading week I should have been able to do a good amount of research and writing. Still my motivation and outlook had been effected. It was surprising how strongly my emotions effected my work. That was unusual for me. It seemed my personal rulebook needed to be tossed out when it came to her.

Half way through the week my flatmate had attempted to cheer me up. She hadn't inquired as to the problem, knowing I wouldn't have given her a straight answer, but she could pick up that I was acting unusual so we'd gone out for drinks with some mutual friends.

Some of our friends had used the lack of lectures that week to go home to their families but since many of us were third years or postgrads, a week dedicated to our own personal projects was hardly a chance we could miss. It was a good time to get some serious work done. And I'd wasted it.

Like I'd wasted my chance with her.

I begrudgingly trudged along the path towards the library. I held my coat against me tightly, it was quite damp and cold today. Dark too. Hidden behind the clouds, the Sun had set without being seen. It sets early this time of year but that didn't matter much, I was doing a night shift so I wasn't planning on seeing the Sun much. It would probably be quite an uneventful shift too. A slow, boring shift because most people would have done their reading during reading week and since it was still Sunday, people hadn't yet had any lectures that would give them reading to do. There wouldn't be many people there.

That was a problem because that would likely leave me alone with my thoughts.

I watched the street lights light up my path and marched onwards towards the brightly lit monolith that was the library, preparing for my solitary night spent regretting the actions I committed a week ago in the same building. If only I had another chance to do things right, or a sign pointing to what I needed to do.

Entering I dried my feet on the doormats and headed towards the room behind the main desk, saying an obligatory "hello" to Lisa on the front desk. She began packing up immediately, clearly eager to leave.

I headed into the back room and took off my coat. Luckily the heating inside the library was strong enough that my jumper and black jeans were enough to keep me warm. I brushed my hair back and put it up into a pony tail. My earlier assumption of her eagerness was proven correct by Lisa popping in and grabbing her bag.

"You all good?"

"Uh yeah-"

"Okay cool. I'm heading off now. See you! Have a good shift."

I didn't get a chance to respond before she was out the door. I stared after her and sighed.

Ah well, it wasn't a big enough issue for me to complain about at present. Leaving the desk unattended when there was no one around was hardly an issue. I continued putting my things away and tidying myself up, preparing to take over immediately.

It was at that moment that a loud "ding" rung out across the library, originating from the bell on the desk. It would appear I was not alone in the library.

"Just a second." I called in as soft a voice as I could muster. I smoothed out my jumper, put my lanyard and nametag around my neck and headed out the door to the desk.

My jaw nearly hit the floor.

A girl stood in front of the desk looking embarrassed and uncomfortable. There was no one in the library for her to disturb but she buried her head in the folds and ruffles of her fluffy jumper, clearly cringing at the loudness of the bell. Even in this cold weather, she was again clad in cut off shorts. Her gaze flicked to me as I approached and a wonderful smile lit up her face, before being joined by a bright red flush. This girl truly did run warm.

"It's you!" Shit. I was making a habit of that. "Ello-ie." I said, catching myself from using her full name. I needed to do things right this time.

Ellie grinned shyly and lifted her shoulders and arms a small amount as if silently exclaiming "tada" in response to my evident excitement. It was unbearably cute. Had she grown a little more confident?

"I- Ah. You said to come back. If I needed...the next in the series." She stammered, tapping the book she held to her chest and letting her eyes wander around the foyer.

Wait...what? Was that the -- A book from the Dripping Words series? She was borrowing it? After not borrowing it? She was asking me? What?

" -- I did." I didn't know what else to say.

She opened her mouth to speak but her blush burned more and she scratched her neck, delaying herself. She took a breath and prepared to continue.

"I ah -- wanted to do it earlier. But...the other librarian was here...not you..." She trailed off, unable to continue. Her gaze flicked upwards and I got the sense that she was silently continuing her sentence. I followed her eyes and saw they were focused on the corner of one of the tables on the first floor. A coat was draped over one of the chairs and a bag sat next to it. A laptop -- no -- her laptop was set up on the table.

I had to stop myself from gasping. She had set herself up on a seat that could watch over the entrance. More than that she had come to the library hoping to see me, hadn't seen me, and had decided to wait where she could see the front desk. Waiting in case I arrived. Or...until I arrived?

This girl. She was making progress, slow progress but she was undoubtably moving forward. I worried, would she catch and surpass me soon? With each move her pace sped up.

A shiver seemed to run up her body and then she shook herself before forcefully slamming the book onto the table, immediately tensing up on contact and moving backwards, surprised at her own movements. I nearly took a step back too. I only stayed because she gently slid back towards me, as if elastic connected us.

"C-could I borrow this!" She asked forcefully. The energy in her words matching her earlier actions.

"Uh -- yeah sure! Of course." I tried to recover but my mind was still trying to sort out what all this meant. On autopilot I started to process her book but I stopped when the name came up.

"Boiling Ink? But-" I looked up to her, aiming to correct her mistake. "This is book five. You're only on book three aren't you?"

Huh, this was a surprisingly normal interaction between the two of us. I was doing my job around her for once. I was doing things properly.

I didn't think her blush could get any deeper but she somehow managed. Her neck, all the way up to her forehead was bright red. Her actions were bolder, but her reactions were just the same as always.

"Y-you were keeping track?"

Busted! I scrambled to think of something to say but she ended up continuing the conversation by herself.

"I've already read... Molten Pencils, and Melted Lead."

She had! Wow! Wait... My eyes flicked back to her profile. Had I made a mistake? Had I been agonizing for no reason? Was there some error on the system?

Clearly sensing my confusion she hurried on before I could voice any of my questions. Her voice stopping and starting and tailing off at regular intervals.

"I -- I went home for reading week. And I was going to be around my family, right? So I thought... You can't see the cover with an ebook. Yeah... Not that I read it around them...much..."

It made sense. The missing pieces slotted in and suddenly I understood it all.

She wanted to read them. She'd wanted to borrow the books, but going home to her family she could hardly bring borrowed erotica back with her. So she'd decided to buy it as an ebook. Not it, them. She'd read both three and four! And then she'd come back to university, found number five, and waited for me to get here before borrowing it and reading it.

This girl...She was intense. Surprisingly so. I felt my pulse start to rise at the numerous implications. What were we doing?

Before long I had processed the book for her and was handing it back to her. She took it blushingly. Her eyes flicked up to mine and I felt some pressure from her.

What could I say? I felt the need to say something. I couldn't just send her on her way without anything.

"Well, let me know if you need anything else and...enjoy it."

No... that's not what I wanted to say. More. Do it properly, but don't doubt yourself. What you've been doing, at each turn it has turned out okay. Don't doubt yourself. Be careful, don't overstep, but push for what you want. Was that not what she was doing? She was struggling but working hard. I owed it to her to meet her half way!

I leant forward conspiratorially bringing a hand up to cup half my mouth, despite there being no one else around. My action brought her closer on reflex and soon we were closer physically than I think we'd ever been. I could feel the heat radiating off of her face, warming me, threatening to set my skin alight.

In the corner of my vision I could see her thighs, having bent at the waist her shorts bit into her flesh at the front, forming a swell I suddenly became weak for. Thoughts rushed through me.

Were they riding up at the back? What did it look like? Her jumper hung away from her chest as she angled her body down and I wondered where I could stand to catch a glimpse down it. Her fire had spread to me.

I whispered gently to her, "You'll have to let me know what you think of the bookshop scene. It is a scene that has always stuck with me. When I first read it... I could not get it out of my head. I'm hoping you'll empathise with me on that one."

I pulled back but she remained in place. Her mouth was hanging open slightly and I saw her eyes boring into me. Her pupils had grown, her eyes loosing almost all of their brown, leaving her with only a thin ring of sparkling colour. It felt like they were trying to take in all they could of me, like I might get sucked in along with the light.

"Enjoy it." I softly repeated, in a tone I didn't know I had.

She gulped, and blinked, and then straightened so fast her hair flicked around. Her back was terrifically upright and her body suddenly stiff. I wondered, was she desperately holding it all in place?

A moment of doubt crept towards me again, what if I had gone too far again? This time for real? But she dispelled it. Her confidence was spreading to me, and I was rewarded for it.

A giggle swam over to my ears. Her body crumpled up into that giggle as she shrunk her limbs into herself, curling whilst standing. Her face was bright red. I knew nothing was really funny but it seemed her emotions had swollen up inside her to such an extent that laughter was the only way to release it. I was watching a cup overflow in front of me.

"I will." She laughed. "I will!"

She then twisted away and skipped off. Her feet lightly touching the floor, as if skimming across it. Soon, far too soon, she was ascending the stairs and heading back to her seat. Giggles echoed off the walls.

I watched her go. I watched her dance away but even before I attempted to busy myself with work, I soon knew, I would not be able to leave her up there alone. Doing things properly, didn't always mean doing things slowly. What we were heading for, needn't be delayed any longer.

Ellie

I had missed Ari. Oh gosh I had missed her. How could you miss someone you had only seen three times this much? I had been miserable when I realised I wouldn't be able to borrow Molten Pencils from her. I couldn't bring it home. No matter how much I wanted to. But in the same way, at the time, I had felt that I couldn't explain that to her. It was a conversation I had decided would embarrass me too much.

But it was a conversation I wished I had had. Talking to her just now had confirmed it. Ari had been wary of me. Knowing I hadn't borrowed Molten Pencils she must have thought I had rejected her. I had been afraid of that.

I was afraid to tell about how I couldn't borrow that erotic book right then, afraid of how awkward that conversation would be, but avoiding that conversation had only led to upsetting her. Not discussing it had led to her misinterpreting my actions.

It was what I had worried about over reading week, wishing I could contact her and make things clear. Tell her I would borrow it when I came back, right away! But I had no way to tell her, no way to connect to her. Aside from erotica.

I bought Molten Pencils online to connect to her. It was my only method. When I had read it all, and played with myself too, but found myself still alone in my old room, I had to buy Melted Lead. This ritual too, did not summon her. I missed her dearly, but I also realised that reading more of the series, had robbed me of two opportunities to talk to her. I couldn't afford losses like that.