Memories Ch. 05

"Chris, you know I can't promise I might not be a little disappointed in you."

He bowed his head. "I know," he spoke quietly. "But I wanted to talk about it with you instead of dad."

"I figured as much when you offered to help clean up," his mother smirked. "So what did you say? It must have been pretty bad to cause Larissa to yell at you. She doesn't strike me as the type that gets upset easily."

"Well, she's not, most of the time. But," Chris lowered his voice. "Ever since she had the miscarriage she's been very...emotional."

Gwynne nodded. "That's understandable."

"Mom, it was almost three months ago. She started bawling when I told her I got that part. She doesn't want me to leave again so soon,which I understand, but we just talked about that the other day.Hell, she's the one who said we just have to get used to it whether we like it or not," Chris sighed. "It's like she completely forgot the whole spiel she gave or just said it to appease me. I tried to get her to calm down after I told her about the movie and she hit me."

"She hit you?" his mom asked, surprise on her face.

"Yes, several times. She hit me in the chest with her fists when I tried to hold her. I got her to calmed down once I told her I wasn't going to be gone long. I told her I was getting a good sum of money for this project, so we could do whatever and go wherever for our wedding and honeymoon...Then she got pissy with me, saying she was surprised I even remembered we were supposed to be planning a wedding. You know how I am. I started getting mad and asked her what all of this was really about, right?"

Gwynne nodded.

"Basically, she said she felt like she was dealing with me leaving poorly because of the time of the, you know, miscarriage, and that she felt like she wouldn't be having such a hard time adjusting if it weren't for that."

"And what did you say to that?"

Chris grimaced. "What I said to you a minute ago. That it's been three months..."

"Oh, Christopher. You didn't," Gwynne interrupted.

"I know, I know," he put his hands up defensively. "Not my best moment. Like I said, I don't even know why I said it. I'm trying to be understanding, but she's absolutely right: I don't get it. It doesn't consume me like it does her. I mean, of course I was upset,but," he shrugged his shoulders. "I just try not to think about it."

"That's not healthy to bury your feelings like that and you know it, Christopher."

"I know, mom, but in this case, where would Larissa and I be if we were both still a hot mess? I'm just saying."

"How is her therapy going?" his mother asked.

"She told me it was going really well and that she loved the doctor. That she felt almost back to normal again...Then she flips out like this," Chris threw his hands in the air.

"First of all, you need to stop blaming her. Do you think she would want to act that way if she had a choice?"

"No," he mumbled.

"Of course not. She's usually a very level-headed girl, especially for her age, and you know it. I think that's part of the reason you fell in love with her."

Chris nodded, thinking.

"Number two," his mother held two fingers up. "Now, I'm not saying you haven't because I don't know. I only see you guys for a few hours on Sundays, if I'm lucky. So consider this more of a rhetorical question, something for you to think about. Don't actually answer me," she paused.

"Have you actually been as understanding and caring to Larissa about this as you think you have? I'm just saying," she put her hands up. "Again, something to think about. Third, do you really think she is worried about planning wedding stuff that much? When you brought the money thing up, you may have thought you were being nice and trying to help ease some of her concern, but really, you kind of insulted her, Christopher."

His brows furrowed as he continued listening to his mom dole out advice. He would be lying if he said it were easy to hear, but that was why he came to her instead of his father for a change. Chris knew he could trust his mom to get right to the point.

"How's that?" he asked.

"Come on, honey, think about it. I'm sure she has been thinking about the logistics some, but she made that remark because she wants to know that you still want to get married, that you're in it for the long haul. She's just feeling vulnerable, Christopher. You two have had a lot going on in your lives in a short amount of time.Aside from everything else, and I'm obviously biased here, but it might do you guys some good to go to couples therapy when you can,especially before you get married. You could stand to work on your temper anyways, not to mention being more open about your feelings,"Gwynne pointed a finger at him.

Chris laughed in spite of himself. "I know, mom."

"At least with her for both of your sakes. Being open and honest are the best things you can do for your marriage. Now, for what does seem to be one of the biggest issues, and I think Larissa is intuitive enough to realize it too, though she hasn't learned how to fully cope with it yet. I think that alone is frustrating for her,especially if she is feeling pressured from you to 'get over it'."

"Mom, I never told her to 'get over it'. I don't expect her to. I just think she needs to learn how to cope with it better. She's not herself and we all know it."

"Agreed, and it sounds like she is getting there, but Christopher,that sounds like what she is getting from what you said this afternoon, at least," his mother took a deep breath.

"You're not going to like hearing this out loud, but you know me,so I'll say it anyways. She had a life growing inside of her that you both created. She had your son or daughter inside of her.That's one of the greatest gifts you can receive. And it was taken from her abruptly, without warning or reason," a sadness had reached his mother's eyes, tears glistening in the corners. "And you basically told her she should be over it already."

Chris looked away from his mother, jamming his thumbs into the corners of his eyes where his own tears threatened. Nobody spoke fora long time.

"I didn't mean to upset you," he finally spoke.

"I know, son," she wiped at her eyes with her fingertips.

"What do I do?" he spoke quietly.

"You suck up as much as possible," they both laughed. "Seriously,though, go do something special with her before you leave. You guys haven't done anything fun for awhile, from what I've gathered."

"Not really. Just haven't had any time. Not that it's any excuse,but I think that's part of the reason I haven't been maybe reacting to things how I normally would either. Just a little stressed out."

"Well, just don't take it out on Larissa."

He rubbed his eyes. "I know...Do you think she'll forgive me?"

"I don't know, son. I think she loves you enough she will, but it might be hard for her to forget what you said for a long time."

"I wish I could just take it back. Go back in time and never say it."

"I know. Life would be so much easier if we could do that, wouldn't it? You'll be fine, though. Just be that sweet boy I know that you are," Gwynne came around and pinched his cheek playfully.

"Thanks, mom," he stood and hugged her.

Chris returned home around 6 that evening to find Larissa asleep in bed. He longed to curl up with her, but he had work to do.

He had begun formulating a plan on his drive home. He scrounged up a pen and piece of paper and sat at the small kitchen island.

To My Future Wife,

First off, I'm sorry if this is all over the place and my thoughts jump back and forth. So, where to begin...

I am SO SORRY for what I said yesterday. I have no idea why I said it. I regretted my words as soon as they flew out of my stupid mouth.You are right: I AM a fucking asshole. I am not trying to excuse my behavior, but I haven't been feeling quite like myself either recently and didn't realize it until now. I will try harder to not let stress get to me and turn me into a jerk. Like I said, no excuse.

I've said it before, but I feel like it bears repeating: I would never do anything on purpose to hurt you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I don't want to push you away. I don't know what I would do without you.

With that being said, I don't know if I can make my callousness up to you, but I am sure going to try this week. If you haven't already, be sure to get your note laying on the island.

I Love You,

Your Christopher

He folded the paper up and placed it inside an envelope with her name on it. Not the most romantic place, but he left it on the bathroom counter so she would be sure to see it.

Chris woke to the sound of Larissa crying. He had no clue what time it was, but it felt like it was the middle of the night still. He squinted against the bathroom light that was silhouetting her.

"I don't want to fight," she sobbed, unmoving. "But I'm still kind of mad at you."

"I don't want to fight either," Chris instantly became a ball of emotion.

"I have to warn you: I'm bad about holding grudges," Larissa tried to laugh.

"I'll try not to piss you off in the future," they both laughed awkwardly. "Come here," he held out his arms to her. Chris was surprised, but relieved, when she actually came over to him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his head against her midriff.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, silent tears forcing themselves down his cheeks.

"I know," Larissa ran her fingers through his hair. "Neither one of us has been acting like ourselves lately, huh?" Chris shook his head in agreement. They held each other for awhile until Larissa finally broke the silence.

"Wanna cuddle on the couch, watch a movie, and pretend the past few months never happened?" she asked.

"What time is it?" Chris couldn't help but laugh.

"3:34 in the morning," she replied matter-of-factly.

"I'm guessing you fell asleep early?"

"Mmhmm."

Chris rubbed his tired eyes with the palms of his hands. "Who needs sleep anyways?" he smiled up at her. "Sounds perfect."