Memory Deficit

I was floating peacefully. The ground was a few meters below me, just as it should be. The air was warm, the sky was pink, the grass was blue. I was relaxed and happy. All was well.

"Hello?"

This wasn't right. Squeaky male voices didn't belong here. There were no people in my world, and I didn't want any.

"Come on, wake up, man! I don't have all day." The speaker sounded a bit annoyed.

Reluctantly, I opened my eyes very slightly and immediately regretted it. My surroundings looked suspiciously like a hospital and I wished I was still floating above beautiful blue grass. I tried to force myself back into the peaceful dream world, but as usual, it didn't work. Gravity was functioning again, and it pressed my back into an uncomfortable hospital bed.

"Ah, there you are. About time. You know your name?"

The person perpetrating the squeaky male voice looked vaguely like a doctor, but his facial expression was one of a fugitive on the run. His face was pudgy and sweaty, his voice was too high pitched and he seemed too young for the job.

"Name?"

I was honestly confused. I was lying in a bed. Someone behaving like a doctor was standing next to me. It seemed I was a patient. Why was my name important? Would my treatment be different if my name was Paul or Hieronymus? Why was I a patient, anyway? Something must have happened, but I couldn't remember what. Part of the reason was that I couldn't be bothered to even think about it. I still wanted my blue grass dream back. I realized how much I disliked gravity; floating was just so much better.

"Yes, name. You know what a name is, right? Come on, I don't have all day for this. I have hundreds of patients waiting."

He looked totally stressed out. Admittedly, hundreds sounded like a lot. He was probably lying, but I didn't really care.

"Ah, yeah, my name," I answered, mostly to keep the conversation going and not appear uncooperative.

"Okay, buddy. You have amnesia, but in most cases, it's only temporary. Don't worry now."

I realized that if a totally overworked doctor tells me not to worry 'now,' I should have been worried, but I wasn't. I felt great, except for wishing I could get back to that pink sky and blue grass again. I decided to take his advice and worry later.

"Ah, okay," I said, mostly to get rid of the guy and this conversation. I decided I didn't like either.

"Nurse Peters. Amnesia. Keep an eye on him."

He was suspiciously quick with his diagnosis, probably because his brain had already left the room and was on its way to the next patient.

I looked around, hoping for a pretty nurse to cheer me up, but saw instead what looked like a Bulgarian Olympic weight lifter. As soon as the female mountain of muscles moved out of the way, I noticed that my whole family had been hidden behind her all the time. They all watched me intently, but without undue concern. They had obviously listened to the rather brief conversation with the doctor and seemed deep in thought. Finally, my wife Dani snapped out of it and moved towards me, obviously intending to hug me. She seemed to reconsider, though, and stopped before she reached the bed.

"Me, Dani," she explained, while pointing at her chest. "You, Tom. Tom," she repeated while pointing at me. "We married. Married. Damn. How do I explain married?" she asked while looking at the rest of my family for help.

She obviously had at best a rather fuzzy understanding of amnesia. I just waited for what was next, trying not to laugh.

"You know, married? You and me?" She looked around helplessly again before finally making some sort of crude fucking gesture and pointing at me and herself again.

"Mom, he's got amnesia. He's not suddenly turned into a complete idiot or a baby," my daughter Emily pointed out while she moved to my wife's side.

"Oh, really? So you know what 'married' means?" she asked me.

I just nodded. I knew what being married meant. As my mind became clearer, I thought about the situation. Why was I in a hospital bed? Why did my family seem so damn unconcerned? Why was my nurse so damn ugly? It all made no sense. I decided to continue the amnesia game for a while, just to get some information.

"Your brakes failed, Dad. You should have repaired them yourself. I told you again and again not to go to Joe's," my son Max explained as he walked towards me.

I just nodded. This was interesting. Max had asked for money a few weeks ago, as he usually did whenever we met. I had jokingly told him to service my brakes and earn a few bucks. Of course, useless as he was in practical things, I wouldn't have let him touch my car in any case. As I expected, he just flipped me the bird, told me to take the car to Joe's Automotive Excellence and give him the damn money. I actually thought Joe was a good idea. I had heard good things about him and I wasn't completely happy with the much bigger Lebowski Total Auto Service place that I had used before. Why was he now lying about his advice to go to Joe? What if whatever happened was no accident? In that case, my own son was obviously involved. The thought depressed me.

"The most important thing is that you get well, dad," Emily joined the chorus of unconcerned family members. Their reaction made me think about my standing in the family. Did they all hold me in contempt? Had they just hidden it well, or had I managed to ignore it? Was I maybe just more perceptive after whatever had happened, apparently as a result of a brake malfunction? In any case, my family seemed disappointingly underwhelmed upon learning I might have almost died. I clearly needed to reevaluate my whole situation, and this fake amnesia might be just the tool I needed.

"Where is he?" someone boomed from behind my family, and I immediately knew that bass voice belonged to my business partner Mike. Almost two meters tall, wide as a city block, a brash personality and that voice that could make a drill instructor shut up in awe, it turned out he wasn't too bad as a salesman. I took care of the customers who disliked his style and preferred a calmer way. Generally, though, the decision to make him my co-CEO had been a reasonably good one. It wasn't perfect, but I hoped it would eventually give me a lot more free time. So far, that hadn't happened, but I was still optimistic. The fact that he had the potential to be good for my business and my work-life balance didn't mean I had to like him, though.

"How is my best buddy in the whole world?" he continued to boom, seemingly pushing my family out of the way just by the force of his sound waves. What he said was a clear lie, we both knew it but it would have been rude to disagree. Besides which, I had amnesia. Or something.

Instead, I nodded noncommittally and realized this was the way our conversations had been going recently. At some point, it had become too exhausting to reply to Mike. Even friendly conversations had felt like fights, just because of the level of volume and testosterone I had to compete with. In recent months, I had simply agreed with him on most things just to get it over with. I realized I had let myself be dominated by Mike, and I realized he was a bully. Something had to change, and this fake amnesia might be just the chance to do it. Nobody would question my changed behavior.

He looked like he wanted to hug me, which was usually an attempt to crush my rib cage. I held up my hand to stop him and miraculously, he considered my opinion and actually stopped. That this was worth noticing was another sign of how self-centered my business partner actually was.

"I understand, buddy. We need to talk business later, though. Some things need to be..."

"Mike," my wife interrupted him. "Tom is suffering from amnesia."

"What?" he asked, not too intelligently.

"Amnesia. Loss of memory. You know?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know damn well what amnesia is."

"You might need to take care of the business yourself for a while. You know what I mean?"

She looked at him with an intensity that seemed odd to me, and finally the penny seemed to drop.

"Oh yeah. I will take care of things for Tom. I will do what's best."

He had the audacity to wink at Dani, as she just smiled and nodded. While my kids returned after a private conversation in a corner, Mike and Dani retreated to have their own talk in another corner. It seemed everyone had things to say that I wasn't supposed to hear. What was going on there? Were they conspiring against me? Was this behavior new or had I somehow managed not to notice it? They weren't even trying to be subtle.

"Okay, need to go, buddy," Mike declared after a while. "Run the business, you know? See ya... See ya too, Dani..."

"We are so lucky to have him, don't you think?" she gushed as he was leaving, loud enough for him to hear. "Oh, sorry, you don't remember. I can assure you, he is a true treasure," she added.

"Yeah, I'm sure he is," I replied, but my sarcasm was lost on her, as usual.

"Okay, I need to go now, honey. Oh, one more thing. I know you don't remember, but you promised you would contact our attorney."

"Attorney?"

"Yes, you don't understand it now, but you promised. Our 20th anniversary is in three weeks. Before that, you said you wanted to cancel our prenup."

She spoke slowly and distinctly, as if I'd lost my hearing, not my memory.

"Our attorney will know what needs to be done if you tell him this. Just remember: attorney, cancel, prenup. I'm still so happy you want to do this for me."

I just looked puzzled, and I didn't even have to pretend. She blew me a kiss as she left the room. I heard her shout "Wait, Mike" from outside.

What was going on between those two? Cancel the prenup? I damn sure never intended to do that. She was obviously trying to use my amnesia for her own purposes. I didn't even know the prenup was important to her, as she had never mentioned it. As long as we were together, she would have access to all our money anyway. Canceling the prenup would only matter if we separated. She had to know it would be difficult to get rid of it, as I was born rich and had always been paranoid about gold diggers. Had she tried to kill me to inherit my money? It seemed like a distinct possibility at that point.

"While you're at it, don't forget about the trust fund we talked about, okay, Dad?" my son added, reminding me that he and my daughter were still in the room.

"Trust fund?" I thought about asking them what a trust fund was, as I was quite sure he didn't have a clue. While it might have been amusing, I decided I'd had about enough amusement from my family for the time being. I settled for just looking confused.

"Yeah, you wanted to set one up for each of us, so you don't have the hassle of transferring our money each month," my dear daughter added. In contrast to him, she obviously knew what she was talking about.

I sure as hell had never mentioned any of this. On the contrary, I'd had serious talks with both of them, regarding her lack of studiousness at the university and his general aimlessness in life. I had mentioned that I'd thought about cutting their monthly stipend if things didn't improve, but most definitely not about setting up a trust fund. That would be the best way to ensure they would both fail in life.

"Let me get better before I take care of such things, okay?"

"But Dad, you promised," Emily whined, which usually had the desired effect on me. Not this time. They obviously were afraid I'd regain my memory at some point and wanted me to get this done before that happened. Never in their lives had those two worked together on anything without a major argument. Suddenly, when it came to duping me, they were cooperating perfectly.

I remembered that they'd each inherit a quarter of my wealth when I died, and suddenly a shiver ran down my spine. Was Mike the only one who wouldn't benefit from my death? What if he and Dani were having an affair? They looked awfully cozy together. By having me out of the way and getting Dani, he too would benefit from my premature demise. Maybe I needed to finally get my ass going and hire a private eye. I had always avoided that, as I loved Dani and had been afraid of the results.

"I... I can't remember."

"Of course you can't, Dad," Max added, sounding as if I was a total moron. "But it's true. Mom and Mike agreed too."

"Mom and Mike?"

"Yes, he visited us when you were away. Once they stopped giggling, they said it would be best."

"Mike visited us when I wasn't there? He and Mom were giggling? What about?"

"You'll have to ask them yourself. Dad, we need to get going. See ya..."

They left without much further ado, and I couldn't help but feel abandoned and used by my family. I wanted to go back to my floating world.

I dozed off, and unfortunately this time, I didn't dream about floating, but of being thrashed by the female Bulgarian weight lifting team.

*****

The next morning, I felt great physically. Apart from my alleged amnesia, I felt no aftereffects from my accident. I still didn't remember the accident itself, but I sure remembered everything else. I also decided to do something about my possibly traitorous family and to do it immediately. I had already been stalling for too long. I just didn't have any idea what. Changing my will and letting them know about it might be a good first step. It might extend my life expectancy enough for further investigations and planning.

I jumped from my damn uncomfortable hospital bed only to notice two things. One, the nurse on that day was much prettier and she was working on the bed behind me. Two, the back side of my hospital gown was completely open for some mysterious reason. I had no idea if showing off naked asses was considered normal behavior in hospitals. She seemed unfazed about the sight, but a bit concerned about my sudden activity.

"Mr... uh..." she had to check her clipboard. "...Walters. You need to wait for the doctor's clearance."

"Well, nurse... uh..." I had seen her name tag, but pretended to check it again. "...Andrea. My understanding is this isn't a prison. I feel good, it's my body, why shouldn't I do what I want to do?"

I expected a concerned monologue, but she just smiled and continued to make the empty neighbor bed. I didn't seem to surprise her, but I sure surprised myself. This wasn't the meek Tom I was used to. This was an improved, assertive Tom, and I liked him. Maybe this accident had been just what I needed. Something in my life had clearly gone off the rails, and it had taken a car crash to make me even notice it.

I found my clothes, and despite the accident I had while I was inside them, they looked quite usable. I put them on, glad to be rid of the exhibitionist hospital gown. I kept an eye on the nurse, but she didn't seem to be bothered enough to alert anyone.

This was going to be the perfect stealth operation. I'd sneak out of the room completely unseen, except for the smiling nurse who was still watching my freshly clothed ass. Nobody, including my family and the fat soprano doctor, would even notice my escape.

I opened the door, sneaked outside and was halted in my tracks by a clipboard being shoved into my belly. Damn, that hurt!

"You need to sign here," a Nurse Ratched clone demanded.

Not wanting to attract any attention, I just signed it without reading it.

"And here."

I groaned.

"That's it?"

"And here."

"Done? Happy now, Mildred?"

For some reason, that made her smile thinly before she turned around and left wordlessly. Shaking my head, I turned around to continue my escape, only to bump into the hectic doctor.

"You're leaving," he stated correctly, but looked as if he expected an answer anyway.

"Oh, yeah. It's been great here, but all good things must come to an end."

"You know, I'm not that sure about your diagnosis anymore. I'd like to do a few more tests. You probably want to know for sure if you have amnesia or not, right?"

I looked at him, trying to decide if he was serious. Could he really believe that I needed his diagnosis to determine if I remembered things? In any case, I decided my escape from his competent hands was a good idea. "No, it's okay, I'll just try to find out myself."

I turned around to leave and end the conversation, and was instantly attacked by a wheelchair, which almost broke my ankle. I had always thought those things were quite unaggressive, but it did what nurse Ratched and Doctor Confused couldn't and brought me to the ground.

"I'm here for your safety," announced the young guy who had placed it right behind me, without any hint of irony.

"I was fine until..." I started to explain when I was interrupted by a familiar but unwelcome voice.

"Honey, what are you doing on the ground? Here. Let me help you up. You really need to be more careful. Mike, you've been so helpful recently. Could you please help him up?"

"Dad, this is embarrassing. The whole hospital is watching you crawling on the floor," Emily informed me. Damn, was there anyone not here to watch my secret escape? I almost expected to see my deceased mom watching and shaking her head. It was true, the whole hospital was watching the spectacle, but the lanky young guy who supplied the aggressive wheelchair was the only one actually helping me up. Mike stood there, grinning, while Dani held his arm as if he was her savior while I turned out to be a disgrace.

I was more or less forced into the wheelchair, which seemed absurd, as my alleged amnesia didn't seem to affect my mobility. Someone mumbled something about insurance and that seemed to decide the matter.

"Car..." Dani explained at little later. Mike had been wise enough to vanish after a few nasty looks from me. "Caaaar. Ours," she added, pointing alternately at me, herself and her Audi. "Well, mostly mine," she specified, although I had paid for it. "Drive... Wait. Emily, help me out here, how do I explain driving?"

"Mooom. Just do it, okay? He has amnesia, he's not suddenly turned into an idiot. Well, not more than he already was, actually."

Dani seemed unconvinced, but still nodded and started the engine. She smiled reassuringly at me from time to time, as if she was calming down a little kid. I wondered if this charade was worth it, being treated like a moron was a bit insulting. Still, I decided to keep it up for a while, until I had found out what was going on around me.

As we arrived at our house ("Hooome. Ooooours."), Dani suddenly looked into my eyes and declared in a very serious tone, "Don't you worry, Tom. You will get exactly the treatment you deserve. I will personally take care of it. I know I've been neglectful in the past, but that's about to change."

Then she just turned away, got out of the car, only to be disappointed that I had been able to open the passenger door all by myself.

Her statement seemed like a clear threat. She was obviously talking about the failed attempt to assassinate me and how she'd do better next time.

I could safely assume she didn't know how to work on or manipulate brakes. Her chances of holding a screwdriver at the right end were 50/50. Either she had hired someone or there was a conspiracy going on. As that person had failed, was she taking things into her own hands? Why did she warn me? Was this some kind of psycho game? Did she think, now that the cat was out of the bag anyway, she could just as well talk openly about it? Did she think amnesia made me stupid, or that I was already stupid before the accident? Maybe she counted on me to panic, but I felt clear and calm, ready to face this challenge, although I had no idea how.

Dani stubbornly supported me by grabbing my elbow with the strength of the Bulgarian weight lifting squad when I tried to just walk into my house like I normally did. She steered me through the house and explained what she regarded as the most important features: the TV, the toilet and my notebook. Were those the places where I had spent most of my time before the accident? She seemed to think so. Maybe I needed to rethink my marriage and my behavior.