Micki and The Firefighter

I hugged them both and went to bed, drifting off to sleep to visions and fantasies of my favorite fireman, except tonight my dreams had a soundtrack, my god, Chris, and Eric were loud.

Thanksgiving was wonderful, Ben took charge of the turkey and I handled everything else, mashed potatoes, dressing, green bean casserole and a huge bowl of my grandmother's banana pudding. We had enough for an army and by the time the last football game was over, there was nothing left but scraps, scraps and four very full people.

Chris and Eric volunteered to clean up and Ben and I went for a walk, it was a crystal-clear night and for the longest time neither of us said anything, there was just the soft crunch of the snow under our feet, "Ben, what are we doing?" I finally asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You, me, this, the last six months, we might as well be living together except you go home every night, you hold me and touch me and I love that, you tell me I'm hot, but you've never even tried to kiss me, you've never tried anything for that matter," I stopped," I just need to know what the hell we're doing, that's all."

"Micki, I don't know what to say, I've never felt like this about anybody, ever, but you're, well you're still technically a man, and I just don't know what to do with that. My god I love being with you, but every time I want to take the next step, something stops me."

It degenerated from there, some name calling and lots of yelling, mostly by me, finally Ben stormed off into the night, leaving me standing there in the snow, broken, confused, and crying my eyes out.

I stormed into the house, slamming the door, and hiding myself in my room, not coming out until it was time for Chris and Eric to head back home. I felt awful, they had come all this way to spend some time with me and I got in a fight with my, whatever Ben was, and ruined it. They said they understood, and I accepted that they probably did. It did make me happy that the next time I saw them, they would be engaged.

I stood on the porch watching them drive away until Ben came out to get in his truck to go to work, he waved at me and gave me a weak smile, I went back inside and slammed the door, hoping it was loud enough for him to hear it. It was the last time I saw him until the day of the fire.

The apartment complex was what they call fully engulfed, and it was all over the news, front and center behind the reported was Ben's truck, the number 77 plain as day. I knew that somewhere behind the cute little reporter he was in the middle of the inferno. My heart was in my throat as I watched and prayed. Something exploded, people screamed, the reporter had no idea what had happened, three firefighters had been injured, their brothers dug them out of the rubble, one didn't make it.

I was beside myself with emotions I didn't know how to handle and there was no one I could call to find out what had happened, to find out if my Ben was safe. I stayed glued to the TV, switching channels back and forth trying to find better coverage, trying to catch a glimpse of Ben, knowing all I could do was wait. When the fire was finally under control and the news coverage went back to the studio, I bundled up and went to wait on Ben's front porch.

I don't know how long I waited but when I saw his truck coming down the road, I did the only thing I could do, I started running toward him, he stopped in the middle of the road and got out of the truck. I threw myself in his arms and buried my lips in his, daring him to try and pull away, he was hesitant at first, but slowly started to respond, finally kissing me hard and smiling as he sat me down.

I rode with him back up the road, he was exhausted emotionally and physically, he had taken a shower at the station, but the toll from the fire was obvious, the firefighter that had died was the lieutenant from Station 13 that had made the crack about him putting a ring on my finger.

I helped him undress and put him to bed, slipping out of my own clothes, grabbing another of his shirts and joining him. There was no protest, he wrapped me in his arms and we both fell fast asleep.

Waking up in his arms was a solid number three on my list of favorite moments, the birth of Steve and Chris would never be beat, so yeah, it was pretty nice. I got a very nice kiss and a huge smile, "you do know that Chris chewed me out worse than you did that night, right?"

"Don't you dare make me laugh, I'm still furious with you, I thought you died last night in that fire. Don't you ever scare me like that again, promise me."

"I love you, too," he smiled and kissed me again, "and you don't need to worry, I have too much to live for to do that."

It hit both of us at the same time that somewhere across town, a wife was waking up without her husband and two young kids without their father, I nestled as close to Ben as I could get," just promise me, ok?"

"I promise," he whispered. I knew it was a promise he might not be able to keep, but if I were going to love him, I needed that thread of hope that he would always come home to me, no matter what.

The funeral was as somber as it was impressive, the parade of trucks, lights going, the ladder trucks along the route, ladders fully extended with flags hanging in honor of their fallen comrade, Ben looked so handsome in his dress uniform. There were hundreds of firemen at the service, Lieutenant Sanders had been a bit of a jerk, but he was an excellent firefighter and would be missed by everyone, even me.

I dropped Ben off at the station with instructions to come back and get him in a few hours, this was a firefighter only event. I kissed him and told him I loved him and went shopping for nothing, wasting time until it was time to come and pick him up. I watched him adjust his cap and check his uniform as he went inside, fully expecting that he would be in no condition to do much of anything when I came back.

6'6" and 250 pounds of drunk fireman is not an easy thing to maneuver, especially when all he wants to do is apologize for the massive dick he had been, while begging you to forgive him, but I managed to get him home, undressed and into bed before he passed out, neatly hanging his dress uniform in his closet and putting a large glass of water and a bottle of Advil on the nightstand by his bed.

Kissing him on the forehead, I left him to sleep it off, knowing he would come find me when he woke up and that there were conversations to be had about him and me. Sitting in my office, I picked up my outline for the book I was working on with everything that had happened, what had started as a small distraction began to take on a new life. My outline grew, and new characters introduced themselves, I could feel the birth of something truly special as the story unfolded to me.

Ben found me at my kitchen counter making a shopping list for Christmas, Chris and Eric wanted to come up for two weeks and I had eagerly agreed, but that meant groceries, I was planning on kidnapping Ben to go with me. He kissed me on the cheek and went to pour himself a cup of coffee, I was sure he needed it," thanks for yesterday," he sat down next to me.

"My pleasure, I owed you one," it really had been, something about taking care of Ben filled me with a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time, "besides, you're a much nicer drunk than I am," we both laughed.

I had thought about it a lot lately, everything that had changed since I moved in, I had started living as a woman full time, not even looking back, my son Chris was totally on board, even calling me mom, which I really liked, I was dating a hunky fireman who was too much of a gentleman, but had some things to figure out too, so I let it slide. Even though I had fantasized about being with a man, I was starting to realize it was something I wanted, especially with Ben.

"Chris and Eric are coming for two weeks, you're going shopping with me, right?" I had always hated it when Liz asked me questions like that, but the grin on Ben's face told me he didn't mind. We made our way through the store, Ben pushed the cart and I filled it up, he seemed to enjoy getting in my way, I swear, I was either going to drug him and rape him or shoot him if he didn't do something soon.

Chris and Eric had just come back from a cruise, I got play by play on how romantic it had been when Eric got down on one knee and proposed to Chris, their matching engagement rings were beautiful, Liz had gone ballistic, I thought it was wonderful.

Christmas Eve arrived and Ben came over with an overnight bag, I smiled and gave him a big kiss, patting him on the butt as he headed for my bedroom. We had slept together before, cuddling, and kissing and stuff, but the overnight bag was a new development.

Somehow the tree had been engulfed in gifts, I had a few things for Ben and some stuff for the boys, but it looked like a tree from when Chris and Steve were little. I caught Chris and Eric whispering amongst themselves and got the feeling that there was a secret I didn't know, being pretty sure no one was pregnant, I decided to just go with it.

Ben invaded the kitchen banning me to 'go write or something', so I headed to my office and pretended to work on my book wile my mind tried to figure out what was going on. I finally found my zone and disappeared into my new story.

"Mom, can you help me with something," Chris called from the kitchen. The first thing I noticed was the table was set for six, not four.

"Emily made me come," it was Steve, "and Chris wouldn't shut up about how nice it is up here," I wrapped him in my arms like I was never going to let go.

"I'm just glad you're here," I wiped the tears from my eyes, noticing that Emily was definitely starting to show," and I guess you and I have a lot to talk about?"

"You can talk after food," Ben came up behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me on the cheek.

"I think so," Steve had met Ben but wasn't quite ready for what he just saw.

Dinner conversation was completely about me getting up to speed with what Steve and Emily had been doing, I thanked Emily for the photo album and they both apologized for not at least telling me about the wedding, at the time, inviting me would have been tough for Steve. The baby was due Easter Sunday and no names had been decided. Steve had been promoted and Emily was still teaching fourth grade at the elementary school, they looked happier than Liz and I had ever been.

Steve and I went for a long walk after dinner, "Ben and you, so you're gay now like Chris, on top of everything else?"

"I honestly don't know how to answer that Steve, I'm seeing a therapist to try and figure it all out. I know I love him, and he says he loves me, but we've never gotten to the point of being intimate, neither of us know how to go there, yet."

"But mom said..." he stopped himself. I could hear the tinge of anger in his voice.

"Steve, your mom was, is very angry with me and very bitter. She has every right to be, I lied to her for a long time and when she found out about me dressing like this, it went bad so fast, but I never cheated on her, I never did anything but dress up behind her back, your mom is still the only person I've ever been with."

"But the pictures, the porn sites, the stuff you wrote on those forums, she showed me all of it."

"I wrote some stuff on a forum I used to visit to help me understand what I was doing, what I was going through, but pictures, porn, I honestly don't know what you're talking about."

"How do I know who to believe?" it was tearing him up.

"I can't answer that Steve, like I said, I lied to your mom for a long time, and it destroyed my life, I came here to try and put it back together. Ben helped me pick up the pieces and I do love him but have no idea where it is going to go, he and I have a lot to figure out. I'm just glad you and I are finally able to have this conversation, I can't tell you how happy it makes me to have you and Emily here, to have all my kids here."

"I heard Chris call you mom, what's up with that?"

"His idea, he said dad didn't quite work anymore. You and Emily can call me whatever makes you feel comfortable, Ben and my friends here call me Micki, you can stay with dad or Mike, I'll answer to whatever you want.

"And the dressing, that's not just part time anymore, is it?"

"No, this is me now, I don't see any going back, do you think you can handle that?"

"I idolized you, I wanted to be just like you, and then this all came out and I didn't know what to do. When mom showed me all that stuff, I was so eager to believe, so hungry for any reason to hate you, I felt like you betrayed me."

"I probably did, it can't be easy to find out your hero has flaws, especially ones like mine. I'm sorry Steve, I should have done so many things differently," we walked back to the house in silence, both lost in our own thoughts.

"Why?" he stopped at the bottom of the steps and turned toward me.

"I honestly don't know, I've been trying to find that answer for as long as I can remember, I've been like this since I was five or six, it's just right for me; that's all I've got."

Steve wrapped me in his arms and hugged me tight, "I do love you dad," he left me there and went inside to find Emily. I could feel his conflict and knew there was nothing I could do to help him but love him and be patient.

Ben found me on the porch, wrapped in a big blanket, looking at the stars. "You and Steve had a good talk?" He wriggled under the blanket with me.

"Yeah, we did, I think it's going to be alright, he just needs some time, you and me kind of caught him off guard," I nestled under his arm.

"Speaking of you and me, that big bed of yours is looking kind of lonely, are you planning on staying out here all night?"

"You have no idea what I'm planning tonight," I climbed into his lap and kissed him hard, wrapping my legs around his waist as he carried me inside.

It was slow and tentative at first, gentle kisses as our hands explored each other's bodies like it was the first time. We had played like this before but always with the unspoken safety net of the line that would not be crossed. That line had been erased; the die cast the moment he walked in my door with his overnight bag. There would be no going home to shower and change, there would be no escape, tonight, Ben was mine, I was his, and we both knew it.

We were teenagers in the back seat of his parents Buick on prom night, making tentative moves and testing unknown waters, knowing where we wanted to go, but too afraid to admit it and not sure how to get there.

I had spent hours exploring his chest but tonight everything was new again, I kissed his neck and his collar bone, massaged his glorious pectorals, and tweaked his nipples, eliciting soft moans. Soon my lips were there caressing them, my teeth biting them gently just before I sucked his hardening nipples into my mouth; I was doing what I had done to Liz and Ben was responding just as she had, moaning, and running his hands through my hair.

I move lower, my fingers lost in the soft hair of his abdomen as my kisses decorated his body and my tongue left a trail in its wake. My fingers found the band of his boxers, I licked my lips and slowly started to pull them down his muscular legs.

"Aare you sure?" his voice was giving me an out, but his eyes burned with desire and his body told a different story.

"Now I have to start all over," I kissed him hard, driving my tongue deep into his mouth before beginning the journey anew, the moans were louder and more intense and this time, when I started to remove his boxers, he lifted his hips and bit his lip.

My forms were in their box in my dresser, I had no makeup on, other than my hair there was no illusion for Ben to cling to, I looked into his face, sure beyond a shadow of doubt that my apprehension was clear and knowing in my heart I wanted to continue, Ben sighed and nodded, laying his head back on the pillows and closing his eyes.

The line we had erased was obliterated as I licked the tip of his cock with the tip of my tongue, a shudder ran through his body and a thin stream of clear liquid oozed from his glans. Tasting it, I smiled and kissed his soft head, twirling my tongue around it, slowly taking him in my mouth.

I thought about the few times Liz had done this for me, she was my only reference and while I hated bringing her memory into this, I wanted to do everything I could to make sure Ben enjoyed what I was doing. Mostly I remembered that she hated doing it, hated the smell, the taste, all of it.

I stopped and looked at him, he was beautiful, his cock was larger than mine but not obscenely so, nice, and full, proportionate to his body, I liked the way it felt in my hand as I gently stroked it and the feeling of him in my mouth had been nice; I even liked the taste of his precum.

Smiling I took him back in my mouth, the one thing I could do was to enjoy what I was doing, to revel in the new experience, sliding him deeper and deeper as I worked my lips and tongue over his shaft, I could hear his moans get louder and quicker. His hand found my erection and he began to stroke me as I plunged him deeper and deeper into my mouth, I started to gag and then burped, suddenly his balls were on my chin and he was spasming beneath me, I felt his body clench and his cock pulse, his warm seed flowing down my throat.

Smiling as I pulled free, the hunger in his eyes still raged, pushing me onto my back, his lips and tongue attacked me, kissing, and licking their way across my chest, even without breasts, he sucked and nibbled at my nipples while his hands explored my body, one caressing my stomach and the other returning to my aching hard on.

I could feel myself leaking, Ben engulfed my cock in a single motion, massaging it with his tongue while he sucked furiously, after months and months of his teasing and years of abstinence, I was helpless, I erupted into his mouth, spewing all my pent-up lust and cum deep into his throat.

We collapsed next to each other giggling like schoolgirls," so, I guess we're gay now too," he laughed.

"Call it whatever you want, all I know for sure is that this rodeo is not over cowboy," I grinned as I reached over to the nightstand and pulled the bottle of lube out of the drawer, handing it to Ben, I took him back into my mouth and went to work getting him hard again.

"Holy shit," he laughed as he fell back, I could hear the plastic wrapper crinkle as he opened the bottle, the cool liquid felt good as he started probing my rose, when his finger thrust inside me, I plunged him all the way down my throat to keep myself from screaming.

He was the man, it was his time to take control, so I rolled on my back and spread my legs, giving him access to whatever he wanted, his fingers probed my hole, gently massaging my prostate, one then two, then three, he worked them in and out, "You sure you've never done this before?" I moaned.

"Positive, but I did talk to your son a little while you and Steve went for that walk," he laughed.

"What, Chris knows?"

"Baby, everybody knows," he pulled his fingers free and positioned himself at my gate," I'll go slow."

The pressure was amazing, my body tried to fight the intruder but my soul, my spirit wanted him as deep inside me as he could go, I pushed, and he slipped in. There was brief pain and then just a feeling of fullness," oh fuck, that feels good," I let out a sigh.

Ben worked his way deeper and deeper, thrusting in and out as I begged him to go faster harder, deeper. My knees pressed to my shoulders, he leaned down and kissed me hard and then, for lack of a better description, fucked my brains out.

I was mumbling and moaning incoherently as I erupted the first time, covering my stomach in sticky goo, Ben just kept going as I moaned and mumbled in ecstasy, tremors and spasms ripping thorough my body. I was begging him to do something, to give me some relief, yes, I had cum, but there was a different orgasm that just wouldn't end, emanating from deep inside me, I rolled from one peak to the next, chasing release and never quite getting there as another swell followed the one before. Ben thrusted deep into my bowels, letting out the most primal groan I had ever heard, I could feel him pulsing inside me, at last, I had release, my cock spewed again, adding more sticky liquid to the mess on my stomach. Ben collapsed on top of me, and we fell asleep, covered in sweat and cum and bliss.