Midlife Fallout Ch. 02

"Only a friend?" Blake looked a little frightened.

"At first. But since I know I'm transparent to you, I'm going to be honest about my feelings and emotions. I love you, Blake."

She pulled our hungry mouths together to seal my declaration. "I love you too, Steve," she revealed with passionate kisses and tears of joy. Our embrace had an urgency as if we were trying to combine ourselves into each other.

Our lips parted and after a few breaths, she asked, "Then what scares you?"

"I'm worried that the depth of the love I'm feeling, and maybe what you're feeling too, is magnified because we both came into this so wounded. With where my mind is today, I'd put you over my shoulder, haul you to the church, and make you mine forever."

"I'd let you!"

I laid a heavy kiss on her. "Damn, you're amazing." We kissed again before she sat up with a serious look in her eyes.

"You're telling me that you're concerned we're moving too fast because of the pain we are both trying to overcome."

"Exactly. It's like... it's as if we were in a desert dying of thirst, and any water of any quality would seem like the best spring water ever imagined. Maybe it's not that drastic, but here's what I know for sure. I love you, Blake. It feels stronger than any romantic love I've ever experienced—including with Nancy. I think we should make sure our thirst is quenched and we're out of danger before we really examine the quality of what we're building. That's why I think we should take it slow. I never want to hurt you, and the biggest fear I have is that a few weeks from now, we will wake up and realize our feelings had some substance, but they were mostly mirages. Does that make sense?"

"I know what you're saying. It doesn't change the way I feel now. You're not suggesting we take a step back from where we are, are you?"

"No, not at all." I pulled her lips to mine to express my love and give her assurance. "First of all, you really know how to kiss me. And second, now that I've tasted your lips and felt your touch, I'm completely addicted to you in every good way possible."

"So, what do you suggest?"

"Well, some of this I've given thought to, and some is off the top of my head. But all of it is for you and me to decide together, okay?"

"Sure. Go on."

"I want us to do this a lot. By this, I mean talk, cuddle, and make out like horny teenagers."

"Oh, I'm good with that," she proclaimed as she pulled our mouths together so our tongues could dance some more.

"What else?"

"I've given this a lot of thought, and I hope you're agreeable. I'd like you to move in with me."

She jumped back a bit with a surprised smile. "I thought you wanted to go slow?"

"I do. I'm suggesting you move into my spare bedroom suite."

"Why?"

"I miss having a dog around, so Princess could keep me company."

She hit me. Over and over again, she hit me. Thankfully, she was laughing.

"Don't tease me, Steven. Tell me why?"

"I'll give you a list in no particular order."

"Okay."

"I certainly have the room. Where you're living now doesn't suit where the beautiful woman I love should live. Your roommates are... well, your slutty roommates. I guess I did save the biggest reason for last."

"Hit me with it."

"I can't stand being apart from you. I know you work and you'll be gone during the days, and I'd never stop you from working if you choose. But I want to wake up in the morning knowing you're here. I want to greet you every day with a kiss, a cup of coffee, and tell you I love you. I also think that will give our relationship a chance to mature. And if we stay totally crazy about each other, I think we'll know when it's right, and I'm going to want you with me forever. So will you move in?"

"I'll need to think a long time about this." Less than a second later, she shouted, "Yes, absolutely yes!"

I smiled so hard that my face hurt.

"You didn't seem to have much to move. I know it's late, but should we go get your things now?"

"Let's go." She stood and started pulling me to the door.

We drove to her old place and packed what she had quickly. Her roommates were a little upset by the suddenness of her decision, but I could clearly see it was a financial concern, not an emotional tie being severed. Her former roommate, Vicky, seemed to be the leader. So I focused on her.

"Vicky, how much did Blake contribute each month to the rent and utilities?"

"Six hundred and fifty dollars."

I took out my checkbook and started writing. "I don't want you to be in a bind financially due to Blake leaving so quickly. Here's a check for four thousand, a little over six months' rent, to help you until you find another roomie."

Vicky hugged me, and the girls were suddenly helpful moving the stogy spinster's things into my car.

As we drove away, Blake was a little upset. "You didn't have to give them money. I would have paid the months' rent as was agreed if I moved out."

"I know. Please don't be mad at me. I just wanted to help cut those ties completely with no hard feelings on their part."

"Okay, but don't start this arrangement thinking I want to be a kept woman. Please talk to me before you do stuff like that."

"I'm sorry. You're right. And please call me on stupid stuff I do, okay?"

"You can count on it, buddy," she said with a smile. "Will you have the courage to call me on stupid stuff too?"

"I hope so."

"Steve, we hadn't talked about it, but I should pay you rent."

"I knew you'd want to, but I don't need it and I really hoped you'd agree not to pay anything."

"It doesn't feel right if I don't."

"How about this. I'll let you pay for normal groceries, and any other help you give me around the condo covers the rest?"

"Are you sure?"

"Blake, I'd pay big money to have you under the same roof with me just so I could be near you. That wouldn't necessarily send a good message, but I want you to understand that I love you, and I want you near me as long as you can put up with me."

"Alright. I just want to be sure you don't think I'm a gold digger or something."

We pulled into my drive and as I shut down the car, Blake pulled me into a kiss before sharing what else was on her mind.

"Steve, I can't help thinking about moving in with you without wondering about us eventually making love. I know I want to, but where's your head at?"

"Let's go in and have a nightcap, and talk about that a bit."

We carried Blake's few possessions into the spare suite and sat with glasses of wine to talk dirty. Well, not really, but about a subject that will be important as weeks and months go by.

"You asked where my head is at. You have to remember that guys have two brains. The little one is already mad at me that I haven't ravaged you." She giggled at that. "My other brain usually maintains enough control to act rationally."

"So what does the big brain say?"

"The various sides of my brain are arguing."

"You really are an odd duck!"

"You're right, I guess. Anyway, the one side says that we are both mature adults who were married in the past, so what's the big deal? Why not express our love physically as soon as we're both ready?"

Blake looked at me with a devilish smile. "To be honest, I think that's the part of my brain that's winning—especially after feeling Mr. Happy poking my bottom when we kissed."

I smiled at that since I was tempted to act that same moment. "The other side of my brain argues for restraint. Since we were both comfortable in the church we attended, I think we both feel sex is for marriage. Am I right?"

"Yeah," she said with a frown.

"In my mind, there's a lot of rationalization going on. I think, for me, is that I sense our intimacy will naturally grow. Where the line is, I'm not sure. Whatever happens, if spontaneously we find ourselves completely intimate, I won't follow through to the grand finale unless I'm fully committed to making you my wife. I know pregnancy isn't a concern. Morality is, but as I said I don't fully know where the line is."

"I agree, Steve. But I'm scared about something else."

"What, honey?"

"That's the first time you called me Honey. I like it!"

Our lips met confirming the affection that was growing rapidly.

"I'm scared because Buck is the only one I've ever been intimate with and, from others tell me, he's not an expert in that department. He told his friends that I was lousy in bed, so I'm afraid I won't be good enough." She whimpered just a little letting me know this was a big thing to her.

"Honey, your kisses tell me that you'll be an exceptional lover because you already are. I feel your passion. You can't fake that. As far as what we'll like or dislike, or what's okay and not okay, we'll be fine. We'll discover each other and my quest will be to give you exceptional pleasure and let you feel my love. As long as I'm with you, whatever methods and skills we use will thrill my heart."

"Steve, I've never known anyone like you."

"Is that good or bad?"

"Very good. So we'll let things happen when they are right to happen. I trust your instincts, but I especially trust your heart."

We spent a little more time making out before retiring for the night. Knowing that Blake was only a room away made the condo feel comfortable, and I felt more normal than I had in months. I couldn't wait for when there were no walls between our sleeping arrangements.

*****

The next morning I planned to be up early to make breakfast, but Blake beat me to it.

"Good morning, Steve. Everything's on the table."

"Wow! You didn't need to go to this trouble."

We kissed, ate, kissed some more, said 'I love you' countless times, and I took Blake to work. I asked if she had a license and wanted to take my car. She did have a license, but she didn't want to leave me without the means to go somewhere if I wanted. From my place, it was a long walk for her to work and her coworker that usually picked her up didn't pass near the condo, so I'd drive her for now. That night I'd talk her into letting me get her a car.

At dinner, it took a lot of effort but I convinced her to accept a car if I bought it. She wanted a used Honda Civic or something like that. After dropping her at work the next day, I had an Uber take me to the Toyota dealership and bought her a new Prius. I knew she'd be mad, and she scolded me when I picked her up at work and made her drive her new car home. But she loved it and quickly forgave me.

The weeks that followed were glorious. We started to explore the area more and found a wealth of things to do. We both enjoyed hiking and exploring. Trips into downtown Seattle uncovered great museums, the space needle, and quaint sites such as the huge troll statue under a bridge holding a full-size Volkswagen in his hands. We took several boat rides to various islands and discovered more about this wonderful area of the country while we discovered new depths of love for each other.

We found great restaurants right near our home in West Seattle that made me forget about the New York food scene. One favorite was a small restaurant with the best and freshest sushi I've ever enjoyed. But, by far, my favorite was a Cajun crawfish and crab place owned by a delightful Vietnamese family. Louisiana, Vietnam, and Seattle came together gloriously in a friendly 'dive bar' with the best food ever.

My fears that our love was a mirage faded, and I knew I would propose very soon. Many nights Blake slept with me in my bed. We never fully made love, but our hands were free to roam as intimacy grew. I loved waking with her next to me. I also knew that if we took the leap and agreed to wed that all restraint would be smashed.

My calls with Casey and Jake were now on speaker so I could introduce Blake and bring her into the fold. Jake told me how much they both liked her and hoped she'd make me happy. I told him that she already did.

It was nice having Princess in the house, especially when Blake was gone. We became good buddies and I really had missed having a dog around. Our home felt comfortable, and my new life felt right and good.

Blake and I never delved fully into my breakup with Nancy. It wasn't necessary. I told Blake that I never realized women had midlife crises too. Nancy was not happy with herself, but she couldn't take personal responsibility. Therefore, the kids and I were the problem. Whatever the reason was behind her cruel treatment of me and the kids, she was history to me. With Blake, I knew the pain of the past only paved the way for us to build the foundation for our lives together.

*****

One day while Blake was at work, I finished my lunchtime walk and visit to the gym, and returned to the condo. I saw someone sitting on my porch and thought Blake may have come home early although she wasn't due for another hour. As I approached the house, I was sorely disappointed. Seeing who it was, I decided to put my phone on record. I had a sense I wouldn't hear most of what my unwelcomed visitor would say, and it may be helpful to review it later.

"Nancy. What the hell are you doing here?"

"I was hoping for a little better greeting since I flew out here to see you."

"How's this—Glad to see you. Now get the hell off my porch and crawl back to one of your man-toys."

Nancy started to sob and wail. I really didn't want to deal with this. I realized as I watched her cry that I had no feelings left for her other than some residual anger. She changed her hair. She let it grow long like a schoolgirl. Her clothes and makeup made her look more like a hooker. She had the appearance of an older woman desperately trying to look young, but her efforts failed miserably. I just stood and stared at her, waiting for her crying jag to finish. I didn't know her anymore, and I didn't want to know her.

She seemed to realize that I wasn't about to comfort her, and the crying waned.

"What do you want, Nancy?"

"I want to talk."

"Let's go inside. I don't want the neighbors to think I'm hosting a whore."

"Can't you even be civil to me after all we've been through together?"

"No. If you call your actions civil after the way you treated Casey, Jake, and me—you have no clue what the word means."

That brought on a few more tears that seemed more real. Good. I always hated to see women cry, especially if I caused it. Somehow, her blubbering felt rewarding. I almost felt guilty feeling that way. Almost.

We sat across from each other a few moments before she broke the uneasy silence. "Sweetie, can I have some water?"

"No. And my name is Steve or Mr. Watson."

"Steve, please. Can I get a glass or bottle of water?"

"Whatever. Go help yourself. There are bottles in the fridge."

Before she even completely returned, I asked again, "What do you want?"

"I was really dumb, Steve. I'm sorry how I treated you and the kids, and I wanted to talk..."

Blah, blah, blah. I tried to listen to what she was saying, but she rambled through insincere apologies and excuses. My mind wandered as she talked. I decided to be a little nicer and just get her out of my house as fast as possible. I sensed she was about to get to the point of her ramblings, and I was fairly sure what it would be.

"...so I just wanted you to understand what I was going through, and ask you to come home and take me back."

There it was. I had talked to other men before I left New York whose wives treated them similarly in their own midlife crisis, and this was a common request after six to twelve months. It seems most learned that they were the problem, not their loving husbands. They learned the hard way that the grass is rarely greener, and their life choices were a colossal mistake.

I didn't respond right away. I was enjoying the few quiet moments. Her voice grated on my nerves. I tried to remember if I ever thought of that before. I didn't think so.

Nancy couldn't take the silence. "Will you, Steve?"

I decided on using an old management technique of repeating what I thought I heard her say before I responded. I decided to be calm, take out as much emotion as I could, and get her out of my home and out of my life.

"So you see the mistakes you've made?"

"Yes, Steve, I do."

"Midlife hormones screwed with your brain?"

"Yes. You have no idea."

"Have you told Casey and Jake?"

"Not yet, but I will."

"If I come back, everything will be as it was? Do you believe that's possible after what you've done?"

"Yes. With all my heart. I'll even do some of the things in bed you've always wanted that I wouldn't do before."

I thought that was interesting. I guess her lovers sold her on some erotic play better than I did.

"Nancy, in spite of what you've done, you know I'll always care for you."

"I know, Steve. And I care for you too. That's why I'm here."

"How could I ever trust you again?"

"Steve, you belong with me. Not with that ugly girl you're living with."

My blood boiled, but I fought to stay calm.

"Why do you think she's ugly? Have you even met her?"

"I saw her leave this morning. You can do better. I'm better."

I was ready to explode when I heard a car peel away behind me. I turned in time to see the Prius racing away. I ran to the window shouting for Blake, then turned to address the true source of my anger. I ran at Nancy and from a foot away, nose to nose, I let loose.

"YOU HORRIBLE BITCH. SHE'S THE ONLY WOMAN I'VE EVER LOVED AS MUCH AS I DO, AND SHE'S FAR MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN ANY WOMAN I'VE EVER KNOWN. IF YOU SCREWED THIS UP FOR ME, YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW NASTY I'LL GET. NOW GET THE FU... GET YOUR SORRY ASS THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE."

I never saw her move that fast before as she ran away wailing. Good. But now I had to find Blake. What had she heard? What did she think? I felt sick running all the possible scenarios through my fractured mind.

She didn't call or respond to calls. I drove past her old apartment, but she wasn't there. I drove to where she worked, but there was no sign of her. My emotions seriously compromised my driving. I went back to the condo hoping she came back and I saw the Prius. I ran in calling her name. Princess was gone. Blake's clothes were gone. The keys to the Prius were on the kitchen counter.

When Nancy first left me I was in shock and full of anger, but I never shed a tear. Now Blake is gone, and I laid on the sofa and bawled. I was mad at myself for crying. I was angry as hell at Nancy. I was even mad at Blake for not hearing the whole story.

How could this happen? How could everything good and perfect turn to crap so quickly? The tears stopped and I dreamed of revenge on Nancy—horrible thoughts—inflicting agonizing torture. But more so I mourned my relationship with Blake. I paced, hit things, screamed in anger, and swore revenge on my horrid ex. Finally, I wore myself out and slept.

In the morning I awoke later than normal and instantly was consumed by dread and sadness. My anger dissipated although it was good for Nancy not to be anywhere nearby. I thought I had experienced depression before. Those past experiences were like a day in Disney World compared to this. My insides were pulled out. I hadn't eaten since lunch the previous day, but I didn't care.

At 9:00 I called the office where Blake worked. I recognized her co-worker that answered. She said Blake called in sick. I told her that she misunderstood a conversation she overheard. Her co-worker said she'd tell her if she saw her. I held little hope.

I had no idea where to look for her. I called the pastor at our church, but he hadn't seen her. I paced, I hit things, I screamed, and I spent the morning in agony.

The house felt emptier than I thought possible. Lunchtime passed and I still had no interest in food. I had to get out of there, but this is the only place Blake would know to find me.

I came to a terrifying realization. She didn't want me.