Midlife Fallout Ch. 02

I thought back to when Nancy told me she wanted a divorce. I was flooded with emotions, but the most prevalent was anger. I was angry with her, angry with her decision, angry with myself for not seeing it coming when all the signs were there.

Sure, I was lonely and felt abandoned. But those feelings made me feel like I was treading water until I could find a new foothold—a new direction. That contributed to my relocation, but mainly I wanted a new start after the disappointment that was my marriage.

But without Blake, I was drowning. She was my only solid ground. Her departure was different. Crushingly different. Every thought and emotion was painfully focused on my emptiness. I felt like a shell, no internals, no heart pumping, no air flooding my lungs, nothing to nourish or care for.

I fought myself to find something—anything but the vacuum of hopelessness. It was over 30 hours since I had last eaten, so maybe some food would be a good start. I made a peanut butter sandwich on stale bread and sat on my porch to eat it as I watched the evening pass.

Two unsatisfactory bites sealed my decision to discard the rest of my meal. But it was enough to force my brain to work more logically. I needed to know how to fix this. What was she thinking? What had she heard that drove her away so vehemently?

"I'm an idiot," I said to the setting sun with an angry growl. I have it recorded.

I played back my conversation with the bitch who was my ex. My anger grew with renewed strength at her disillusioned attempts to reconcile. I played it over and over again without any clear revelation. My anger with Nancy concealed what I needed to hear.

I paced a while, taking a break from the recording to try to find direction. What did she hear? A light bulb lit in my mind. It wasn't just what she heard that I needed to understand—I needed to hear it as if I were Blake.

I sat down again and tried to estimate where Blake may have started to overhear my conversation with Nancy. It had to be somewhere near the end or just after Nancy's prepared speech. I started listening to the recording at a point about a minute before Nancy's pitiful plea ended. I listened up to where I noticed Blake had left. I carefully absorbed all the questions I posed to Nancy and her responses.

Nancy asked me to forgive her and move back. On the recording, I calmly repeated the points of her asinine appeal. She called Blake terrible names. There was a pause in my response, and I remembered that I was fighting the urge to hit a woman for the first time in my life. That was when Blake took off.

I listened to that segment of the recording again. Then again. Then once more. Each hearing tightened the vise on my chest as I realized what Blake was feeling.

It sounded like I was agreeing with Nancy.

"Oh, my God!" I shouted to the night sky. I now knew my greatest sin—Blake didn't hear me defend her when Nancy verbally attacked her appearance and character.

I had to make this right. I need to make Blake understand. I love her. I love her more than life itself. But how can I make her understand if I can't find her? What if it takes days—or weeks—or months before I see her again?

I went inside and flopped on my bed. Again, the angry man who never cried shed tears until a restless sleep found him.

I awoke in the morning with very little change in my mood. But in the daylight, my resolve gained strength. I paced some more. I sat on my porch hoping so see the only vision I cared to see. I had to find her. I knew she had to work if she stayed here.

What if she caught another bus? I panicked at the concept. I'd never find her again. It had to be today. I had to find her today.

I waited impatiently until 10:00 to call the office where she worked. I knew I couldn't confront her there, but that would be the only place where there was a chance to find her.

"Alki Dental. This is Sandy. Can I help you?"

"Sandy, this is Steve Watson again. Is Blake available?"

There was an uncomfortable pause.

"Uh, Steve. She's not in today."

"Sandy, by any chance are you the friend that used to give her a ride to work."

"Yeah, but... I don't know where she is."

She was lying. I knew it and I knew Blake was there. I had to stay calm. I needed to let Blake know how I felt through this unwilling intermediary.

"Sandy, I'm a desperate mess. I don't know if you'll see her, but if you do, please let her know I understand what she heard and why it upset her. But she didn't hear everything."

"Uh, if I see her, I'll tell her."

"Sandy," my voice was breaking, "I love her with everything I am, and you're the only hope I have. Please, try?"

"I'll do what I can, Steve." I heard crying in the background. "I've got another call coming in. Bye."

Blake was there. Did she hear?

"Oh, God," I prayed. "Bring her back to me!"

I went out to the porch and I sat for a moment. Then I paced some more. I freshened the water bowl by the sidewalk and hoped Princess would magically appear with her human. What did I expect? Would she run down the street to me after my conversation with Sandy?

I sat. I paced. I stewed in my sense of dread. It was early afternoon and there was no sign of Blake trying to reach me. Maybe I misread Sandy, and Blake really was out of reach.

I shuffled in a trance across Alki Avenue. I plopped on a bench that looked over Elliot Bay and lost myself in self-pity. Couples walked by hand in hand as if to rub salt in my open wounds. Children played in the sand. Several artists tried to capture the scenery. Hours passed. Nothing had the power to make me feel better as total hopelessness consumed me. With my elbows on my knees, I held my head in my hands looking down trying to hide from the walkers passing by. The emptiness was unbearable. I saw no road to recovery without Blake.

"What didn't I hear, Steve?"

That sweet voice I craved was behind me. I stood and turned so fast that, with no real nutrition for several days, I nearly blacked out. I went down to one knee to steady myself while trying to watch Blake so she didn't leave. She ran to me to steady me and held my arm as we knelt on the sidewalk.

"Steve, are you okay?"

I grabbed her and, for the first time in memory, lost all control as I broke down in tears in front of another person. "I thought I'd lost you!"

She let me hold her, but she was still mad. "You don't have me back yet! What didn't I hear?"

"Can we go to the condo? I have the whole thing recorded and I can explain."

She held my arm to steady me as we walked across the street. She held me out of concern, but I felt no forgiveness in her demeanor. She was cold and had built a wall I needed to break through. Would she hear the recording the right way? Would she understand what I was trying to do with Nancy? Did she know this was life and death for me?

She plopped me into a chair on the porch and sat next to me.

"You haven't eaten anything, have you?"

"No," I replied.

"You hurt me, Steve." Blake was fighting control of her crying and anger as she unloaded what she heard. "You said you never would. You calmly started to accept Nancy's invitation to return to her. Then she said something you knew would destroy me, and you didn't defend me."

"Blake, Please, I need you to hear this. When I saw Nancy on our porch, I decided to record our conversation. I was hoping it would be brief, but I figured my mind wouldn't focus on whatever she had to say, so I wanted a record to refer to if I or my kids needed to hear it."

"Let's hear it," she said as she mildly wept.

I played the beginning from when Nancy and I were still on the porch.

Blake seemed to want to smile but fought it off. "You were really rude to her. Somehow, I'm glad."

I turned off the recording and explained what would come next. "Soon, after she gets some water, I decided to talk calmly and try not to be emotional. I wanted to let her speak her lies and get her out of our home."

"Our home?"

"Yes, Honey. Our home." She smiled for the first time since she appeared.

I played more of the recording. She listened to Nancy's soliloquy and her rationalization for her actions. She watched my face as it played, looking for insight into my thoughts. I felt the need to comment.

"That woman was full of it."

Blake smiled a bit.

Then the recording began playing back my questions directed at Nancy.

"This is what I heard. You sound like you're calmly getting ready to agree to return with her. You even said you cared for her." Blake was weeping again and I stopped the recording playback.

"If you hear what I'm saying, I'm just repeating what she already said to me to be sure I understood her correctly. It's a technique I learned in business so the other person couldn't deny what they said. As far as caring for Nancy, yes, I don't want to see any harm come to her. At least, I didn't until she said what she said about you. But I'll never love her, and I certainly never want any kind of relationship with her. I was setting her up so she'd have no ground to stand on when I told her she'd never get what she wanted—it would be completely over. Listen to the rest."

Blake was visibly upset when Nancy called her ugly and my response didn't immediately challenge her. Then she heard my reaction to seeing her leave and she started to cry as she realized she jumped to a wrong conclusion. But her face took on a shocked yet amused look when she heard my rant at my former wife.

"I've never seen you mad, and after hearing that—I don't want to see it," She said with a surprising smile. "You told her 'sorry ass' off."

"Blake, I love you, and I'm sorry I hurt you."

She got very serious. "No, you did nothing wrong." Her tears started to fall rapidly. "Oh, Steve, I'm sorry. I jumped to the wrong conclusion and didn't give you a chance. I've really hurt you, haven't I?"

"Just hold me, Honey. It's over."

We cuddled, kissed, and made up as negative emotions died down. We walked to the Chowder House since neither of us had eaten for a while. As we walked, I chuckled a bit.

"What's funny?"

"Just a minor realization. I always liked those Hallmark movies even though the scripts are so predictable and are based on the same template. They always created tension between the soon-to-be lovers when one heard a part of a conversation and jumped to a wrong conclusion."

She laughed. "I see your point."

We arrived and were taken to our table. Then I continued.

"Every time that happened in the movie, I would shout at the screen—'listen to the rest of the conversation, you dummy,' or 'talk to him and don't assume the worst.' I never thought I'd see that scenario in real life, but I guess we just did."

Blake laughed a little. "So do you want to call me a dummy?"

"No. I love you and would never do that. But I guess we both learned a lesson."

"I know I did. I promise to give you the benefit of the doubt from here on out, Steve."

"Honey, I promise never to walk out the door or go to bed mad—at least not until we talk. How about you?"

"I promise."

The waiter came and we ordered our drinks and dinner. No menus were needed since we came here almost every day. When the waiter left, I felt it was time.

"Honey, even well before our episode during the past several days, I knew that we were not just rebound lovers. The more I'm with you and around you, the more I want to be. If anything, the past several days proved to me that you are my everything. When I thought I lost you, the pain of being ripped apart threatened my very existence. I already came to a conclusion, and now I have absolutely no doubts."

I got up, approached her, and dropped to a knee while producing a small box from my pocket.

"Blake Peller. Would you spend the rest of our lives with me as my wife?"

Her face lit up as she shouted, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, Steve, with all my heart, yes!"

The patrons applauded and the staff who all knew us went wild with congratulatory wishes. They brought complimentary champagne and shouted that our dinner was on the house.

I looked at my bride-to-be and felt surrounded by a warm blanket of love. I'd been from heaven to hell and back. That pain was in the past, over, and done with.

We walked hand-in-hand to the condo and I knew that this was right. We made love that night and, as I expected, Blake was a very passionate lover. Perfect was the only way to describe it. I prayed that if what we did was wrong that we'd be forgiven. But it seemed right.

I arranged for Casey and her boyfriend, and Jake and his wife to fly in the following Friday. Both decided to stay for a week. We married that Sunday and chose to spend our honeymoon week sightseeing around Seattle with my son and daughter and their significant others.

Blake formally resigned from her job. Then we researched and booked multiple trips where Princess could join us. We wanted to spend the next six months traveling the world celebrating our union.

While we were planning our adventures, Blake suddenly looked at me as if she just realized something. "This is all going to be expensive. I never asked, but how much money do you have?"

"We have, honey. It's yours and mine. We have a little over $46 million."

She nearly fainted. "Oh, Steve. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why? Would it have mattered?"

"No, not at all. And, no prenup?"

"Why? I love you. I will never leave you, and if I somehow drove you away, money would mean nothing anyway."

"What if one of us has a midlife crisis?"

"We've both seen what that can do. Honey, I promise to always tell you what I'm feeling. If something tries to pull me away, you're the one I want pulling me back. We've had enough fallout from our former spouse's midlife crises."

"Steve, maybe you and I are each other's midlife crisis. Ever think of that?"

*****

Epilogue

*****

During our six month honeymoon, Blake and I brainstormed about what we wanted to do with our lives. I needed purpose, and Blake was the major source of that. Just traveling and sightseeing may seem like fun, but eventually, it would be an empty, self-serving existence.

We set a course and put it in motion the day after we returned. We met with the pastor at our church and laid the foundation to create a ministry for the many homeless people that are in Seattle. We established a board of directors and put together a complete business plan and mission statement.

Mallard Ministries was born. Yes, Mallard as in 'duck.'

Once the site was selected, two important moves I'd been working on needed to be implemented.

First, my son Jake and his wife were moving to Seattle so he could fill the role of business manager for our new ministry. His business background and experience would not only keep the finances in order, but he would prove to be an exceptional fundraiser. Jake's wife, Brit, was 3 months pregnant when they moved into their condo in Seattle.

Second, my daughter, Casey, was moving to Seattle as well. She had a teaching degree, and lots of experience working with social support groups. She would lead the programs and training opportunities at Mallard Ministries.

Blake was very active at the homeless center too. She usually coordinated meals and made sure to have volunteer staff when and where we needed it.

A year after Nathan Steven Watson was born, my first grandson, Blake and I grew our own little family. We adopted 2 beautiful sisters. Hanna, four years old, and Sissy, two and a half years old, officially took on the Watson name.

Oh, and we have another new addition. Laika, a golden retriever puppy, joined our happy clan. Blake and I bought a larger house in a better area for children and Casey took over our old condo.

And Nancy? I don't know. Frankly, I don't want to know. Casey severed all ties, but Jake talks to her once in a while. He knows better than to tell me anything although I get a sense she's pulled her life together.

I do think of her on occasion. The deep anger is gone. I feel sorry for what she put herself through. But a bigger part of me became grateful for what she did. Her midlife crisis turned my life into one with deeper meaning, solid purpose, and overwhelming love. Blake is everything to me. My midlife is more rewarding than my dreams could have ever imagined.

Midlife? You did your best to defeat me. You lose!

*****

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