Mike & Savy Ch. 08

I also, somewhere in the back of my mind, felt nervous.

On Thursday morning, we got up and showered before getting in my car to drive to Salisbury. We got home a bit after noon. As we were getting out, mom came out onto the porch and waved at us. When we got inside and set down our things, Josh stepped over to Mike and shook his hand. After all of the time we'd missed over the last two years, having everyone I cared about around for a holiday was a special moment for me.

I gave Mike a hug and smiled. "Hi, Mike."

He gave me a kind of strange half-smile back and answered, "Hey... sis."

He never called me sis or sister. Even when everyone else called me Savannah or some other nickname, he'd always called me Savy. It was his special name for me. I felt a little knot in my stomach that maybe that was something we couldn't get back.

I showed Josh around and then told him to take it easy in the living room. I went to help mom in the kitchen. She teased me that at some point, I was going to have to learn how to make everything, so that when I had my own house, Josh and I could be the hosts. I didn't miss the implication of what she'd said.

I noticed that Mike wasn't in the living room, but I didn't know where he'd gone. At some point, I heard a loud, "Ah fuck!" come from the hallway. I set down the bowl of green beans in my hands and went to see what was going on. When I went around the corner, Mike was laying on the ground next to the laundry closet shaking his hand. Josh was crouched next to him.

"Hey, what're you guys up to?" I asked.

Josh answered, "Just talkin' with Mike. How's the turkey look?"

I could see the toolbox next to Mike and a screwdriver on the ground, so I figured he was fixing something for mom. I knew that Josh was trying to be nice, but I didn't want him bothering Mike.

"Come take a look." I grabbed Josh's hand and he followed me into the kitchen.

"Mm... smells great in here."

Mom asked, "Josh, would you mind setting the table? Savannah can show you where everything is."

"Glad to."

I showed Josh the dishes we'd use and where the silverware and napkins were. I went back to help mom finish plating things and pull the turkey out of the oven. Mike came downstairs, having changed, and poured wine for us.

We sat around the table and mom bowed her head.

"Thank you for both of my babies being here for Thanksgiving this year. And welcome, Josh, to our home."

Josh squeezed my hand.

Mike got up and carved the turkey, serving each of us. Josh and mom were very talkative during dinner, while Mike seemed reserved. Mom asked about our upcoming Christmas concert and how my other courses were going. Josh tried to engage Mike a few times, and while Mike answered his questions, he didn't seem to want to continue the conversation.

Later, as we sat in the living room stuffed with great food, Josh and I sat on the sofa while mom was in her chair and Mike lay on the floor, leaning against mom's chair. We were all drowsy, so talking was at a minimum.

I appreciated what Mike was doing. In spite of all the problems we had had, he was making an effort to be my brother again. It wasn't easy for me and I knew it wasn't easy for him. I had so many conflicting feelings about it, remembering that two years ago, this was when our world had crashed down around us and a year ago, he was gone. But he was my brother and I loved him for all that he had meant to me in my life. I wanted us to be happy together again.

When Mike got up to go to bed, mom asked him to bring down some sheets for Josh. He looked surprised and let out a muffled, "Oh." When he came back down, he hugged mom and waved good night to Josh and I.

No, we were moving beyond that awkwardness. We were family again.

I jumped off the sofa and threw my arms around him, squeezing him to me.

"Good night, Mike."

He put his arms around me, but didn't hold me very tightly. I was suddenly sad, missing that feeling of how he'd once hugged me like it was the only thing that he needed in the world. He went upstairs.

Later, after mom had gone to bed, I was curled up next to Josh on the sofa, my head resting on his arm.

"It looks like you and your brother are doing better. That's good. Family's important."

"Yeah..."

"And thank you for bring me here. I'm glad we got to spend this time together and I could see this part of you."

He leaned down and kissed me. We said good night and I went up to bed.

The next morning, I heard shuffling in the hallway and by the time I was awake and downstairs, Mike was packing his truck and was getting ready to leave. Everyone else was already awake. Josh handed me a mug of coffee and refilled his own. Mike came back inside.

"Are you leaving already?"

"Yeah. I've gotta get back and do some work. Satellite doesn't stop flying for holidays."

I was incredibly sad, almost heartbroken. I had hoped we'd be able to spend more time together over the weekend. It seemed like every improvement we made being around each other wasn't enough. I wanted more. I wanted my Mike back.

I whispered back, "Okay."

Mike shook Josh's hand and gave mom a hug before stepping outside onto the porch. I followed him. He turned and our eyes met. His beautiful eyes.

I just wanted to tell him...

"I'm glad you're here. I've missed... family."

His face softened and then seemed a bit sad.

"Yeah, me too."

He took a step towards me. I wanted to feel his arms around me. I held my arms out and he wrapped me up. I was completely enveloped by his hug and I could feel his chin resting on my head. In spite of the cold air, I felt warm... and safe. I could have stayed there.

He pulled away just a little and I felt his lips press against the top of my head.

"I'll see you soon."

He let go of me and walked to his truck. I watched every step and then as his truck rolled out of the driveway and was out of sight.

I went back inside. I missed him...

Mom, Josh, and I spent the day relaxing. We didn't have anything in particular to do, because I absolutely hated trying to fight through the crowds that came with shopping the day after Thanksgiving. On Saturday, Josh and I drove back to College Park.

When we got back to my apartment, Josh hugged me.

"Thanks again for inviting me."

"Of course... I want to share everything with you."

"Really?"

I smiled up at him. "Yes."

"Um... do you want to meet my family? Maybe for Christmas?"

"Umm... I always spend Christmas with mom, but maybe I could drive down after and we could have New Year's in North Carolina?"

"That sounds perfect."

He kissed me and we got ready for bed.

__________

It was just a few short weeks until our next performance. Max had asked me if I wanted to do a Christmas performance and I said yes, but that I wanted it to be smaller and more intimate.

During our practices, I thought it would be perfect. He'd arranged for our ensemble to perform various Christmas pieces in a beautifully decorated smaller hall with seating for about 40 or 50 people. It seemed so much more like a holiday family gathering than a concert.

I had a tremendously good time during the performance. Christmas pieces tend to be relatively simple melodies, but that just opens the door for creativity. I wound my way through the pieces, dropping elements of "White Christmas" into the Nutcracker or pulling back from the middle of "Jingle Bell Rock" to fall into "I'll Be Home for Christmas". I couldn't help but be filled with joy and holiday spirit.

Afterwards, at the reception, I surrounded myself with the people I loved, mom, Josh, and Mike. Even when I was moving about the room, meeting other guests, I couldn't take my eyes off of them.

At the end of the evening, we walked out together. Outside in the frigid air, Mike said goodbye and gave mom a hug before shaking Josh's hand. Then his eyes were focused on me. I took a step forward, so that I was much closer to him than I was to mom or Josh.

"You were... perfect, as always."

When I was on stage, I wanted to be perfect for him.

"I play better when you're here."

I moved to him and I was in his arms again. It felt like I had never left. His hands held my back and I could feel his muscles gently flexing as he pulled me to him.

"I'll always be here now."

I had been so hurt, so angry at him for leaving me, but now he had come back to me. I couldn't forgive myself for not telling him to stay, but now I forgave him for leaving. It wasn't his fault. I had hurt so much when he wasn't in my life. He tried to come back to me twice and both times I pushed him away, first with my silence and then with my cruelty. He still came back to me. I knew that he'd never leave me, that he'd never really left me.

My eyes focused on his. I pulled down gently on his arms and reached up, pressing my lips gently to his cheek.

"I'll see you soon."

I let go of him and walked back to mom and Josh. I said goodbye to Josh and he hugged me, then mom and I drove back to my apartment.

As I fell asleep, alone, I felt...

I couldn't admit it to myself.

__________

The weeks running up to Christmas seemed interminably long. Apart from having no performance to prepare for for the first time in months, I had to work hard to get back up to speed in my biology work. I'd been spending so much time on violin, that I needed to push hard to ensure I could maintain straight A's in all of my classes. By the time I turned in my last final exam, I was burnt out.

Josh and I had seen each other less during finals week. He knew how I got about my classes and gave me the space and time I needed to meet my goals. Almost every night, he'd tell me how impressed he was with me and how much he was looking forward to taking me to North Carolina.

When I left to go back to Salisbury, Josh kissed me and told me, "I'll see you soon." It was the same thing I had said to Mike after my last performance. Was I looking more forward to seeing Mike at Christmas than seeing Josh at New Year's?

It was different, I told myself. I was going to see a new part of my life with Josh, while with Mike, we were getting back to our old friendship. He could be my brother and my best friend again.

As I drove across the Bridge, the link between my life on the Eastern Shore and my life at Maryland, I could feel my excitement building.

Mom and I had several days together before Mike would be coming home. We decorated the house far more intricately than we ever had. While the outside was still relatively plain, inside we had enough lights strung everywhere that we never even needed to turn on any lamps to read. It was utterly gorgeous and I loved it.

We talked about my upcoming trip to North Carolina, her asking me to be careful on the road, of course, but also giving me advice on what it's like to meet your boyfriend's parents for the first time.

We also talked about the guy in her life. She'd been seeing him since before Thanksgiving and the fact that she was still seeing him intrigued me quite a bit. Apparently, they'd be going to Annapolis for First Night celebrations there. I was so thrilled for her. She deserved someone who would treat her as well as she treated everyone else in her life and it sounded like he was.

On Christmas Eve, mom and I anxiously waited for Mike to get home. It would be the three of us, just like before. It had been three years since we'd been together for Christmas. We didn't even hear him come inside. All of a sudden, I looked up and there he was, his face lit by the soft light of the Christmas tree. I wanted to jump into his arms, but he squeezed my shoulder and said he was going to change, but would be right back down.

When he came back down, I moved so that there would be room on the couch for both of us. However, Mike sat on the floor and leaned up against mom's chair. Don't do that!

"Mike, there's plenty of room. You don't have to sit on the floor."

He smiled gently at me and said, "Uh, it's okay. I'm good."

Don't be nervous around me now, Mike.

"It's cold. Come sit up here with a blanket."

Mike rolled to his feet and took the few steps to the couch before sitting on the other end from me. I had been completely curled up in a blanket, but I pulled out the half that I was laying on and threw it over his legs. We liked when it was cold inside and could snuggle under a blanket. It made it feel more Christmassy.

He turned so that he was leaning his back against the arm of the sofa and his feet were near the middle cushion. His knees were blocking me, so I couldn't see his face. I missed him so much.

I turned and leaned my back against his legs. I wanted his arms around me, which was a thought that actually concerned me a bit. I relaxed and let myself feel the comfort of just being there with him, with the limited contact between us.

At some point, I fell lightly asleep. When mom got up to go to bed, I decided that I should, too. After she gave Mike a hug and said good night, I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him tight. I felt his arms reach around my waist. I didn't want to let go, but I did. I went upstairs and saw his eyes following me as I left the room.

On Christmas morning, I was overflowing with energy. Mom was up before us and had a cup of coffee and cinnamon rolls ready when I got downstairs. I was already done eating when Mike finally came down. I gave him exactly five minutes and then it was time for presents.

I took my normal position by the tree and handed out gifts as I pulled them out. I handed out the various gifts from friends first and then a few gifts from mom. I couldn't wait anymore, though.

I handed Mike the gift that I had gotten him. I had seen so many things that I'd wanted to get him, but since I was still just a college student without a job, I had to limit myself. I watched with anticipation as he tore the paper off of the box.

He opened the box and pulled out a crystal Earth, about the size of a baseball. A smile spread across his face.

"You spend so much time looking into space, I don't want you to forget to stay back here on Earth sometimes."

Since he'd come back, he'd thrown himself into his work. He hadn't mentioned anything about his life outside of work, other than what I already knew, like Jeff and Mia's wedding and their party. I'm back here. Don't forget about me. You're back in my life.

There were two boxes left under the tree and both were for me, from Mike. I picked up the larger box and held it in my lap. I looked up at Mike and he was smiling at me. I carefully unwrapped the paper, noticing that he had obviously wrapped it himself, as the wrapping was... less than professional. I pulled out a red Maryland sweatshirt, with a vintage Testudo on the front. I immediately put it on. It was very comfortable. For a brief moment, I thought to myself, when I wear this, it'll be like his arms are around me.

I got up and hugged Mike, "Thank you."

I sat back down and reached for the last box. Again, I held it in my lap and carefully unwrapped it. I opened the top and suddenly I wanted to cry. I pulled out a beautiful crystal figurine of a woman playing a violin. I looked at Mike.

His eyes were fixed on mine. "It's what you were meant to do."

I set the woman on the table and moved to Mike. I wrapped my arms around him and his arms were around my waist, pulling me to him. I held him and didn't want to let go. My cheek was pressed against his own. "I love it," I whispered. I turned and kissed his cheek, softly.

And I love you.

After a fabulous dinner, with so much laughing and smiling that my cheeks hurt, we were ready to go back to the living room for movies. When I walked in, Mike was sitting in mom's chair and mom was on the couch. I looked at Mike. I wanted to sit with him, to feel him against me. I quietly sat next to mom while we watched movies. I stole glances at Mike. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

After the last movie ended, mom yawned and got up. She pointed at Mike and said I should wake him up so he didn't sleep in the chair all night. She said goodnight and went upstairs.

I stood and went to Mike. I watched as his chest gentle rose and fell as he breathed.

I wrapped my hands around his hand and gently pulled. His eyes flickered open and focused on me.

"Bedtime, Mike."

I smiled at him. I used to say that to him all the time when he fell asleep on the sofa in our apartment. Our apartment. I hadn't thought about it in so long. We'd been building a life together. The memory scared me.

I let go of Mike's hand and went to the stairs. He followed me.

I have to tell him.

I stopped outside my door and faced him.

"Thank you, Mike."

"You're welcome. I'd do anything for you."

I know. I should have known from the beginning. I should have trusted him.

I have to tell him.

"Mike... I'm sorry... for that night you came back. I'm sorry... I slapped you and was so angry."

I struggled to not cry. Mike... I'm so sorry.

"I deserved it."

No! It wasn't your fault. None of it was.

"You didn't. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

I couldn't stand it anymore. I fell into his arms and held my face against his chest. I could feel him breathing, his heart beat. He pulled me to him and held me tight. Please, Mike. I love you. It was my fault.

I let him hold me. The warmth of his body comforted me.

Oh no.

Josh.

I had to let Mike go. This... I couldn't...

I stepped back from Mike. I went into my room and closed the door. I was too overcome with my emotions. I was with Josh. I loved him, right? This was... Mike and I were... we're family now. That's all we could be. Mike had come back to me, even after I had been so awful to him and pushed him away. He came back and had been a perfect brother, just like before.

I fell on my bed and cried until I slept.

In the morning, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to fix my hair and wash the dried tears from my face. Finally I thought I looked well enough to go downstairs.

When I got into the kitchen, Mike and mom were sitting at the table drinking coffee. Mike saw me and stood up to give mom a hug and a kiss, telling her that he loved her. He was going to see Jeff and Mia in Western Maryland and go snowboarding.

He came to me and gave me a quick hug. A brotherly hug, but I held him tight to me.

"Have fun on the mountain, but don't hurt yourself."

He squeezed me tighter now and I could feel his laugh.

"No promises. I'm pretty awful."

I backed away just enough that I could see his face and his eyes.

"I'll miss you."

He smiled softly at me.

"I'll miss you, too."

And then he was out of my arms.

I sat at the table and pretended to drink coffee while I watched him through the window. He got in his truck and backed out of the driveway, then was gone.

Mom sat across from me.

"You're doing better. I knew you two would find each other again, be brother and sister, the way you'd grown up together. I know it's been so hard. It's just the way it had to be."

The way it had to be?

No. I could have gone to him. I could have told him to stay. We could have been together, mom. Would you not have accepted that? Did you want us to be apart?

I had been staring at her. I lowered my eyes and looked into my mug, the cream swirling with the coffee.

I spent the next few days in my own mind. Mike. Mom. Josh. My emotions were turbulent and out of control. Josh had done nothing but support me and then love me. Mom had told us the truth and it didn't feel like that could be wrong, but that truth had set off everything since. I didn't know what Mike was to me or what he thought I was to him.

On the 29th, I said good bye to mom and drove back to College Park to spend the evening there. Maria wasn't there, as she was still at her family's home. I sat alone and tried, I tried so hard, to sort out everything. I closed my eyes and I could see Josh sitting on stage with me. I could see Mike putting the ring on my finger. I could see mom looking down to see our hands together and then her face losing all color.