Mikey's Mom

"Whoa, whoa whoa, young man!" he sort of yelped. Do you know who I am?"

"Sure do, asshole," I replied. "You're the guy about to get the shit kicked out of him for fondling my wife's ass."

"And you're the guy about to be standing in the unemployment line," he yelled back at me.

Greg showed up just in the nick of time to save me from a trip to jail, probably, but the die was cast. Herb glowered at me as he told Greg that I no longer had a job with the company.

Traci started apologizing as we left the hotel. I looked deeply into her brown eyes.

"I've only got one question for you, Trace. Did you initiate any of that, or encourage it in any way."

She turned the deepest red I've ever seen her get, and if looks could kill I would have died on the spot."

"How dare you! You know I'd never ..."

"Then that's all there is to say about it," I said as I cut her off. "You are a beautiful woman, and don't have to apologize for that. You also can't apologize for some people thinking that all beautiful woman are sex toys, and they can do with them what they want.

"I guess I need to update my resume a bit."

"I'm sorry ..." she started to say before she looked at my face.

"Updating your resume sounds like a good idea."

Monday morning I called over to the office and got Greg on the phone.

"Set up a conference call for me with the 'Big Guy' at human resources on Wednesday morning. I don't care what it takes to get him to conference with me ... including using the fact that I will be suing this firm if he doesn't. I want you to be in the room with me, and Jenny from HR can stay as well.

"Oh shit, Zane. You're not really going to do what I think you are?" he said over the phone, suddenly sounding sick.

"Greg, for almost half my life people have been telling me not to do things, but I've found if you do things for the right reasons with a clear heart, things usually turn out right. Just set it up, OK?"

"I will, but promise me you won't burn my bridge with the company, too. I'm 55 and was hoping to retire with full pension in five years."

"I promise you, you won't get hurt as long as you tell the truth."

"Thanks, I think. Be here at 9."

I showed up at 8:55. Greg showed up about a minute later, looking like he was bout to get sick. We moved into the HR conference room, where Jenny had a coffee pot and three cups of coffee already poured.

Arlo Monahan was known around the company as a tough but fair man who wasn't afraid to listen to a good idea from anybody, even a maintenance tech. I was counting on that reputation being well-earned. I knew he'd already heard Herb Steele's side of the story, and considering Herb's position with the firm, mine had to be better for me to get my job back ... if I really wanted it.

After the pleasantries were done, I told my side of the story to Mr. Monahan, who hardly made a sound through the phone as I talked. After I finished, there was silence for about five seconds, then I heard some papers being shuffled.

"So to make sure I understand this perfectly, you're telling me Herb Steele had a handful of your wife's ass while they were dancing, without her permission, and it wasn't just a casual brush by, as he's claiming? But you are admitting to getting physical with him over the incident, is that correct, too?"

"Yes, sir." I responded.

"Well son, then I see I need to take care of one more problem, and have Mr. Steele join you on the unemployment line, if you have witnesses to his hand being on your wife's ass. Sexual harassment in this company is cause for immediate dismissal."

"Exactly sir. I've read our company employment manual cover to cover, and so should have Mr. Steele. I don't want to quibble here, sir, but if sexual harassment is cause for immediate dismissal, and Mr. Steele knew that, or at least should have, then the minute he harassed my wife he should have considered himself fired. Therefore, what I did after that was not done to a company employee, but rather to a civilian who was touching my wife inappropriately, and even in a courtroom I'd have a good chance of being found not guilty since I didn't inflict lasting injury. You just have to make his termination effective from when he groped my wife, using company policy as your basis for that judgment.

"As for witnesses to the groping, there is at least one in this room, and I know I can find more."

"Mr. Hawkins?" came the question through the phone speaker.

"Yes, sir, I saw the inappropriate gesture, as did others."

"Well, in that case, then, Mr. Lambert, you have my most sincere apology for what an employee of our company did, and I will understand completely if you want to take legal action. We would hope, however, that our decisive action in this matter once we found out about it will gain us some credibility with you."

We all heard the grumbling from the speaker as Mr. Monahan apparently shifted his position in his chair.

"As Mr. Hawkins will tell you, Mr. Monahan, I'm not an unreasonable man. How about we just add on two more weeks to my annual vacation time every year, so I can spend more time with my beautiful wife."

"Consider it a done deal, Mr. Lambert. You drive a hard bargain, and the board will be most pleased with you're being reasonable."

Monahan clicked off, and I thought Greg was going to die from shock.

"That's it. No lawsuit. Nothing," he said incredulously. He looked at Jenny and she shrugged her shoulders in disbelief as well.

"Hey, I want to make sure that I get strong consideration for your job in five years," I responded with a big grin on my face.

"I'll just bet you do," Greg responded, turning to Jenny. "That, my dear, is how a pro plays the game. You just might want to hitch your wagon to this guy for the future."

Five years later, I was sitting in Greg's former office. Jenny from HR was no longer in HR. She was my right-hand man, so to speak.

I had enlisted my mother's help for the surprise 25th anniversary party I threw for Traci, and we completely gobsmacked my still-beautiful wife. Traci knew I had booked an Alaskan cruise for about two months after our actual anniversary, and thought we were just going to a favorite restaurant with my parents for a quiet celebration on the actual night. The four of us actually got halfway to the restaurant, which was about two hours away, when I found I had forgotten my wallet and credit cards. Playing his role to the hilt, Dad said he would pick up dinner, but I told him not to worry, I would just call the restaurant and move the reservation back a week, and if they didn't mind we could stop by the house and I would get my money and we would just go to a little place close to home.

"If you girls don't mind being a bit overdressed for tacos or something," I said while watching Traci out of the corner of my eye.

"Really Zane? Tacos? Now I know you're kidding," Traci said as she breathed a sigh of relief.

I berated myself under my breath something fierce for a while, then drove most of the way home in silence, continuing to feign anger. It wasn't until we got to our block that Traci realized she had been set up as there were cars parked up and down the street. Mikey, Heather, and our three grandchildren greeted us as we pulled into the open spot in the driveway, followed closely by Julie and her boyfriend, some blond-haired surfer type she had met right after she graduated magna cum laude from the Indiana University Kelley School of Business.

The tears started before I even got the car stopped - my tears - followed soon by Traci's, then Mom and Dad started blubbering. I think the moment struck all of us: what was improbable all those years ago turned into a pretty good love story. It was most definitely a time to celebrate.