Military Matters Ch. 02

'What was wrong with me? I never behaved like this around a man, it just didn't happen.' I tried to make sense of the strange feelings that were filling my head and my body.

Risking another glance across at him I noticed he had leant back and closed his eyes although whether he was actually asleep or not, I couldn't really tell. Taking the opportunity, I studied him, a little more carefully this time, in an attempt to confirm my earlier brief assessment.

Now I could see him close up I gauged him to be over 6' tall, probably by two or three inches, perhaps two or three years older than me I estimated him to be around 200 pounds or more and it all looked like muscle. He was certainly easy on the eye and his messed up short brown hair only added to his appeal.

As I gazed at him, he opened those grey-blue eyes of his and gave me a half smile that made me go weak at the knees, "I take it you're our new logistics liaison ma'am."

My face flushed as I felt the warmth go to my cheeks at being caught staring at him yet again.

"Oh... yes... err yes... I..." I struggled to breathe let alone speak as he leaned back, looking at me, still smiling.

He said nothing and just sat there watching me, his look was almost one of disdain.

"Err...are... err... are you... umm... based at Arnhem... Sergeant?" I enquired after a minute trying to break the uncomfortable silence that had descended between us.

"Yes ma'am."

I felt the heat colouring my cheeks even further as he replied laconically, his alluring eyes fixed on mine.

"Err... perhaps we'll... err... see each other there."

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. I'm sure the Brigadier won't leave you out in wastelands for too long..... ma'am." His expression and tone bordered on the insolent.

"What makes you say that Sergeant?" annoyed by his comment I started to pull myself together.

"Nothing... ma'am, nothing at all."

Glaring at him I sat back wondering what rumours, if any, were already circulating about me.

"I'm sure it wasn't nothing."

"Ma'am." He made it apparent he wasn't going to say anything more as he closed his eyes again.

"Sergeant....?"

"Ma'am?" I could tell from his response that I would get nothing further from him and sat in a sullen silence for the remainder of our journey.

The short flight to FOB Arnhem took about thirty minutes and by the time we landed I had decided that my travelling companion, despite being gorgeous, was about as insubordinate as you could be without finding yourself in serious trouble.

"I hope you enjoy your stay with us ma'am. Like I said I'm sure you won't be out here for too long." He nodded to me impertinently as he unbuckled his harness.

Clambering out of the chopper behind me I watched him as he disappeared into the base while a soldier gathered up my bags and led me to my new quarters.

'What have I done to upset you Sergeant?' I couldn't help but wonder as I walked across the compound.

Unlike at camp Bastion the billets at an FOB were far more basic; a simple cot, a desk and chair plus a shelving unit, the majority of my gear would have to stay in the kitbags and go under the bed. The bathroom was separate, at the end of the small hut, and I would have to share it with the three other women living there.

Waiting outside for me to drop my kit the private then took me across the compound to meet my new commander.

"In here ma'am." He informed me before leaving me to knock on the plain wooden door,

"Enter." a woman's voice from the other side told me to come in.

Stepping inside I stood smartly to attention and saluted her "Captain Upson-Marsh reporting ma'am."

The Colonel looked up from the papers on her desk and smiled warmly at me "Welcome to Afghanistan Captain, do take a seat."

My new commanding officer was in her late forties, or so I guessed, tall and slender with short dark hair greying at the edges and inquisitive blue eyes.

"Jane Moresby." She held out her hand to me.

"Natasha. Natasha Upson-Marsh." I grasped her hand in mine shaking hers firmly.

"Yes, I know. I believe you know my daughter Belinda?"

Suddenly I could see the similarities between mother and daughter "Yes ma'am, we were at Sandhurst together."

"She speaks very highly of you."

I blushed "She was good friend to me there. We got along very well. How is she getting on in Intel?"

We had gone our separate ways when Belinda Moresby had joined the Intelligence Corps after leaving the academy while I had gone to Logistics and apart from the occasional e-mail, I hadn't really spoken to her.

"Well, her rise through the ranks hasn't been as meteoric as yours but she's doing very well thank you." Jane Moresby informed me, her eyes studying me with interest.

For the next thirty minutes or so the Colonel updated me on the current situation and what my role at the forward operating base would be. My direct line of command would be through her and I would primarily be based here at FOB Arnhem where I would be coordinating logistical support between the base here and the main supply centre at camp Bastion.

"I'm not likely to see any action. Am I?" I asked her nervously once she had finished her short briefing, "After all this is sort of the front line so to speak."

"It would help you enormously in your role here to go out on patrol and see how things operate around here. Get first hand experience of some of the difficulties and problems we face."

"Oh, I see." My voice must have sounded tentative, "It's just I wasn't sure if....."

"Don't worry I'll put you with Danny Cantwell, he'll take care of you."

"What! That insufferable and insubordinate Sergeant I came in with on the helicopter." I exclaimed rather more loudly than I intended making her look up at me.

"Ah you've met him then." She laughed and gave me a rather strange smile, "What did you think of him?"

"Oh I... err... I... he was...." Unsure of how to respond I stumbled over my words trying to keep the feelings I had for him out of my voice.

"Bloody cute, isn't he?" she finished my sentence and I flushed a shade of crimson as she said what I was thinking.

"I err... err... I... I..." totally speechless at her rather blunt comment I sat and blushed.

Colonel Moresby grinned at me "Don't worry about it Captain. If I was single and twenty years younger, I'd be interested in him to."

"Oh, right." was about all I could think to say.

"You'll find he's also a really nice guy and a bloody good soldier, so don't let that cute appearance mislead you."

"No ma'am. I won't." I tried to get a grip on myself.

"Good. Now go and get your gear stowed away properly and report back here when your done Natasha."

Standing up I saluted again and turned to leave her office, even more confused about Sergeant Danny Cantwell than I had been before.

"Captain!" Her voice stopped me and brought me round to face her again.

"Ma'am?"

"Is there anything going on that I should know about? Between you and Brigadier Hyde, I mean?" she looked at me quizzically.

"I... err... no... no ma'am." I blushed profusely, remembering the previous evening and how he had made me suck him off after I had had dinner in his quarters.

Her comment led me to once again wonder what gossip was doing the rounds about me and I wondered if Danny Cantwell had heard it.

Colonel Moresby studied me for a moment and, as I stood in front of her, I felt as if she could see my innermost thoughts. Did she know what the Brigadier wanted me for or was it just her suspicions?

"You can talk to me if there's anything that's bothering you, Natasha. There's not much I haven't seen in my time in the army. I'm not here to judge you in any way, I want you to know that."

Swallowing nervously, I almost capitulated and told her everything that was happening but, somehow, I managed to stop myself.

"Ermm... thank you ma'am. There's... there's nothing really." Saluting again I turned and quickly left before I said anything more.

Back in my quarters it took me about an hour to put away all my gear and take stock of my emotions. The things the Colonel had said about talking to her had made me reflect once again on what I was doing, on using my body to get what I wanted.

Suddenly the realisation hit me. I wanted to stop. Colonel Richmond and Colonel Stanton were in the past, they couldn't be taken back but I hated myself for what I did with them. Giving the Brigadier oral sex was the very last straw for me and I made my mind up I wasn't going to do anything more with him. The very least I could do was ensure that it ended now and there weren't any more Colonel's or Brigadier's in my future.

But I knew, deep down, it wasn't just the fact that I had come to despise myself for what I had been doing, there was something else, something that really bothered me even more.

All through my formative years I had come to the conclusion that love wasn't real, it only existed in books and the minds of silly giggling teenage girls. But the feelings I knew I had for Danny Cantwell were so very real and so completely unexpected that I didn't know how to deal with them.

Sitting on my bunk I felt the tears prick my eyes. What was wrong with me? I barely knew him, he obviously didn't like me, and he was insufferable in the extreme.

I needed to get a grip on myself.

Fifteen minutes later, a little calmer and composed, I made my way back to the main building to pick up my duty roster from Colonel Moresby.

"All settled in?" she greeted me when I re-entered her office.

"Yes ma'am. Everything put away."

"Good. Let me show you around." She rose from behind her desk and led me out of the door.

I spent the next hour or so going over my regular duties and being shown around the base, meeting the other personnel that I would be working with. After what she had said I hoped to at least bump into Danny Cantwell on my tour but I ended up disappointed.

"And that's about it, Captain." My commanding officer informed as we walked back towards her office, "Any questions?"

"No ma'am I think I'm clear on things."

"Good. You can get started tomorrow." We finished our walk, in silence.

For the next few days, I was able to put Sergeant Cantwell to the back of my mind as I was kept busy getting to grips with all of my various tasks although I did find myself keeping a watchful eye out for him.

Over the week I managed to catch an occasional infrequent glimpse of him and every time I found my heart rate soaring. He even came into the base offices a couple of times, much to my delight, and made a point of greeting me formally, starting my pulse racing and bringing a colour to my cheeks, when he did.

I was just finishing up at the end of another busy day when Colonel Moresby strolled up to my desk.

"Everything ok Natasha?"

"Yes, thank you ma'am. It's all fine." I smiled up at her and continued to file away the stack of papers I had been working on.

"Can you join me in my office please Captain." She turned away from me leaving me to tag along behind her.

Anxious, I got up trying to think back on what I might have done wrong as I followed her.

"You'll need to draw body armour and an SA80 from stores later." The Colonel informed me when we were back in her office.

"What? Why..... am I...?" I started to splutter anxiously.

"Going on patrol tomorrow." She finished my sentence for me.

"Oh I... "

I was half way through my reply when a knock on the door interrupted me.

"Come in." she called loudly.

Glancing around I managed to stifle a gasp of surprise as Danny Cantwell stepped into the office and saluted.

"You wanted to see me ma'am?"

'God he was gorgeous' I thought to myself as I stared at him.

"Sergeant." Colonel Moresby gave me a smile as she spoke to him, "I believe you've already met Captain Upson-Marsh."

He turned his grey-blue eyes towards me and I felt my heart flutter as he spoke "Yes ma'am, the Captain and I... we met on the flight out from Bastion."

"Err... yes... umm... I err... we... we did." I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I stammered to say something.

"I'd like the Captain to accompany your patrol tomorrow, Sergeant. Unless you have any objections?"

"Ma'am. Do you think that's sensible?" he turned his attention to me and I felt my pulse start to race even faster, "She's only just arrived in country."

The Colonel's demeanour changed "Do I really have to make that an order Danny?"

"No ma'am, that won't be necessary." He saluted her and looked back at me again.

"We ship out at oh five hundred ma'am." His eyes met mine and I shivered delightfully.

"Right... yes... err... I'll be... ummm... ready!" I stammered, blushing scarlet like some sort of love-struck schoolgirl.

With a face like thunder Danny Cantwell snapped me a salute and turned on his heel to leave.

"Sergeant?" our CO's voice stopped him before he had gone two steps.

"Ma'am?"

"Make sure you look after her."

He looked at me again and I melted under the gaze of those bewitching eyes.

"Yes ma'am. I'll take very special care of the Captain. You have my word." He frowned and left.

I sat watching him go, staring at the door he had just stepped through, when Jane Moresby's voice made me jerk around quickly.

"Oh my god, you've really got the hots for him, haven't you?" she stared at me, her eyes twinkling.

Chewing my lower lip anxiously I frowned and asked her, "Was it really that obvious ma'am?"

"No, not at all." She laughed softly, "It was only about as evident as the nose on my face."

I felt mortified, "Oh god no. Do... do you think he noticed?"

She shook her head smiling, "He's a man. Of course not. But I doubt you'll get any further than all the other girls around here that have tried to get to know him better."

"Others? He's had other girls?" without thinking I blurted out jealously.

"No... no he hasn't. To my knowledge there hasn't been anyone special in his life for several years. Not since his fiancé died."

"She... when... how?" my mouth opened and closed as, stunned by the revelation, I found myself unable to say anything resembling a coherent sentence.

"It was three years ago. They were due to get married when she was diagnosed with a brain tumour." The Colonels' voice was quiet and I could tell from the way she spoke the amount of respect she had for Sergeant Danny Cantwell.

"The cancer was inoperable and very aggressive. She was gone in just six weeks."

"Oh my god. I... I didn't realise." I sat, completely shaken by what she told me, my heart went out to him as I wondered how someone could ever get over a shock like that.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell him I told you. He can be... a little touchy over it."

"No, of course not ma'am." I rose to leave.

"And don't worry about tomorrow, Natasha. You'll be in safe hands."

I didn't sleep well that night.

In part it was due to my being extremely nervous about the patrol the next day. Mostly, however, I was trying to come to terms with my feelings for Danny Cantwell.

Never having felt like this about anyone before my lack of experience worked against me. Just being near him sent my heart rate through the ceiling and left me barely able to speak and now I would be spending the whole day on patrol with him.

There were so many things that filled my mind. Aside from the practicalities of a relationship with him; he was an enlisted man while I was an officer, there was also the fact that as far as I could tell he didn't actually like me very much.

My alarm woke me at 4.30 and I quickly got out of bed to pull on my boots before struggling into my Osprey body armour, attaching the optional upper arm plates. After fixing the chin strap on my helmet I picked up my rifle and, checking the safety catch was on, I apprehensively headed out of the door to meet up with Danny and the rest of the patrol.

"All ready ma'am?" Danny Cantwell greeted me brusquely when I reached the embarkation point. Then before I could object, he reached across and jerked a couple of my equipment straps tighter almost yanking me off my feet when he did.

"Yes, thank you Sergeant." I replied caustically trying to keep the nervousness that I felt out of my voice.

Glancing along the line of men waiting to move out he leant closer to me and I felt my heart start to race again.

"You'll be fine. Just stay close to me and do exactly as I say." He whispered before turning away and ordering the platoon to mount up in the three vehicles.

"In here with me please... ma'am." Sergeant Cantwell instructed flatly and I followed him obediently into the rear compartment of the first armoured personnel carrier.

Sitting across from him in the back of the APC I tried to look everywhere apart from at him as we bounced along a dusty rutted track. Despite trying to avoid him I could feel his eyes on me the whole time and I was sure that everyone could her the way my heart was thudding furiously against my ribcage.

'Why did I feel like this around him' I wondered as we drove along although, deep down, I knew the answer.

'What had I done for him to take such a dislike to me?' For the life of me I couldn't work it out.

"Nervous ma'am?"

Jerked out of my musing I looked at the young paratrooper next to me and gave him a weak smile. He couldn't have been more than eighteen or nineteen.

"I guess you could say that."

"Don't worry Cants is the best NCO in the whole bloody army, we'll be fine ma'am." He told me with a wink.

"Cants?" I looked at him curiously.

He grinned at me "Yeah but don't tell him we call him that."

"I won't private....." I looked at his name badge, "Barnes."

With that I glanced across at Danny Cantwell and my eyes met his for a second before I turned away again, blushing as I adjusted my chin strap against the perspiration running down my face. His men obviously thought a lot of their Sergeant, just like the Colonel.

Trying to calm my rising heart rate I took a deep breath and stared disconsolately at the floor. How could he make me feel like this with just a look?

".... Yeah, the Brigadier.... That's what I heard.... Won't be with us long..." I couldn't help but hear the whisperings going on around me and it was unmistakeably clear what or who they were talking about.

"Keep it down." I looked up and met Danny's eyes again as he told the soldiers to be quiet.

There were a couple of mumbles but the whispers stopped immediately and an air of gloom settled over me as we all sat for an hour or more in almost total silence. The oppressive heat of the day gradually raised the temperature in the back of the APC making it extremely uncomfortable but it wasn't that that made me unhappy.

I knew now I had made a big mistake when I had decided to try to sleep my way up the promotion ladder. It was apparent that everyone had heard the rumours that must be circulating and I had been quickly labelled as the Brigadiers whore.

That had to be the reason Danny Cantwell couldn't stand me. He was a regular soldier and, according to Jane Moresby, a nice guy. Having someone like me around must be enraging him. The reason he didn't like me was plain for me to see.

"Listen up people." Danny broke the silence and brought me back to the present as he gave us a quick briefing about why we were here before we finally stopped.

"There have been reports of insurgents using this village as a base. I'm going to talk to the headman and then we'll take a look around. So, everyone be on your toes and look out for the Captain."

I blushed at his final comment and stared at the floor as our vehicle came to a halt.

"Clear." a brief message came over the radio informing everyone in the rear it was safe.