All Comments on 'Mind Writing Pt. 01: Ali'

Has this ability from birth is problematic. As soon as boys hit puberty, the testosterone in their system shuts down a lot of critical thinking and sex becomes a preoccupation. But because of the rules, no underaged people can be involved in any sex: that’s good; but you need us to suspend our disbelief that this guy has NEVER had a sexual thought until he was 18. Never watched a porn, never tried to get busy with his girlfriend, never talked about sex, never had the hots for a female teacher or even wanted see some boobs?

All that COULD be believable if the night he lost his virginity he hadn’t essentially raped his girlfriend by manipulating his girlfriends mental and physical state.

He knows what he did was wrong. He knows that he has to be careful because he can make people do anything he wants; but he can never undo raping the girl who trusted him. And if he can’t feel that then he isn’t decent, he’s a sociopath and what happens when he becomes attracted to power? He can literally do anything to anyone and even if he’s caught, he can’t be stopped.

@Whackdoole

to be honest, I agree with you. This was an attempt at that sort of story, but in all honesty it didn't feel totally /right/. This isn't my first attempt at writing something with non-con themes, but I think it's just not what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm going to leave this up for a while, but take it down in a few days or so.

Feedback is always appreciate, praise and critique alike, and I'm not egotistical enough to think that everything I put out would be a success. This will be taken forwards onto the next project!

Thanks as always, Iri x

The previous comment is fair in that it's a little unbelievable that he waits to 18 to even think about sex but then one moment of arousal breaks all his own rules. If he made it this far then James has the self control to know better and act better.

But in saying that, this story is well written. Especially fir a first time. It's clear you knew exactly where this was going from the start, and had the characters well established in your head. I'm keen to see more work, just as the prev has said with a little more consistency from our hero

It's true that suspension of disbelief is a difficult hurdle for birth-based powers. Especially when the main character isn't shown with the moral standards and fortitude of Steve Rogers.

But I don't think the story shouldn't be attempted. If this is the story you want to write, I urge in the strongest terms to simply find a way around this barrier. Restriction breeds creativity, they say.

What if something were blocking his power, like an old injury, environmental conditions, or an outside agent? You had your main character here get better with experience - what if he wasn't powerful enough to do much until the events of the story? Or I've also seen stories where they just plum forgot about it, assumed it was a childish dream they had once.

There are tricks and methods for filling that sort of plot hole, and I think it contributes to overall skill when they are mastered, which can't be done at least before they are attempted.

@SkyMason and Anon

You've both given me a lot to think about. Having had a night to reflect on it, I think the story should be continued, but with a few adjustments that, as you've both mentioned, would allow readers their suspension of disbelief without impacting the story too much.

It's a new genre for me - the other Mind Control piece I have written is a much different tone/set-up - and I wanted to have a look at a character who is morally corrupted by his abilities. That's the premise, at least. As such, my focus in writing was on making that 'fall' believable, and an explanation as to why that corruption hasn't happened /yet/ was left unattended.

Thank you for the feedback and conversation - as a writer it's always interesting to hear differing opinions of a piece and to have constructive feedback that looks to make a piece better.

I take it in full stride, and hope that the story continues in a way that is enjoyable and - finger's crossed - believable.

Iri x

This story has so much potential considering you have already shown the main character to be both moral and immoral within seconds but that he has realized it shows that things can always go either way. Please continue this story and take it wherever you think it needs to go because I doubt it would end up a disappointment on any level.

I look forward to and hope for more chapters. Thanx

I like that the protagonist has some ethics and that he wants his partners to want and enjoy it right along with him.

I’m really enjoying this story, although I do understand the comments and suggestions that have been put forward, this is Literotica, is believability more important than entertainment, or sexual stimulation, I do think sometimes we take the literary criticism to seriously, is this whole site not about suspending reality for sexual stimulation, enjoying the fantasy, I love your work because of its diversity and originality, don’t become to embroiled in producing an intellectually proficient product and miss the whole point of why we read your stories.

Very yummy and very good too. Thank you!

Controlling others to get sex whenever wanted is nice enough, I guess. What I would really like is the power to make people shit their pants/panties whenever they deserve it. I could join the Justice League with that superpower.

Amazing!

ugly...'just a cunt with a face...'-twisted...

I like this control over animalistic desire ,to do no harm any more , its what makes us human , wish there were more stories with similar theme. Stories evoke emotions and negative and depraved desire evoke negativity.

one star hated it

fuck apology

he never loved her

he just wanted her virginity

and now she is no more a virgin

he is bored out of her

and wants to get rid of her

I love love love the psychological angle you give this.