Mindgames Ch. 09

He took a deep breath. "My father became ill - it was a slow, wasting disease, at first his limbs shook, and then after a while he couldn't move." Animal looked at Gabriel, who nodded in confirmation, "Daphne was always at his side. She did far more than her duty. When his time came, about five years ago, I was there, but it was Daphne who eased his passing."

"And your mother?" Gabriel asked quietly.

Animal gave a short, bitter laugh. "She cared nothing for us," he said. "Her only interest was the ponyboy races."

"It must have been difficult for her," Gabriel said, "her place usurped."

Animal turned to him with a glare so stone cold that Gabriel took a step back. Animal spoke slowly, clearly. "After my father's funeral I got drunk. The next day, when I sobered up, I went back to their apartment to collect Daphne. I wasn't sure what I would do with her, but I planned to keep her with me until I figured it out - maybe the infirmary could use her help, or . . . " He trailed off, and then shook his head. "It didn't matter. By the time I came to their quarters, the day after the funeral, it was too late. My mother had . . . "

Animal couldn't continue. He stared from Gabriel to Rose to Mariah to the ground. At last he said, in a hoarse whisper, "My mother had sent her to the dogs."

And suddenly Rose was in front of him, and her arms were around him, and he was leaning into her. He sobbed, once, and pulled back, hastily wiping his eyes.

He cleared his throat. "And now my mother's dead, too," he said. He added, in a fierce whisper, "And if my loathing of her hastened her journey, so much the better."

Mariah remembers

Mariah awoke to activity around her. A group of slaves sat on the floor near her, eating gruel from wooden bowls. In the nearby kitchen area, others were clattering pots and spoons as they washed them.

Mariah began to sit up, but grunted as her sore shoulders reminded her of yesterday's torture. A slavegirl glanced at her but shrugged and looked away, uninterested.

Mariah struggled up. She picked up the sheet that had covered her throughout the night, wondering what to do with it. The girl who had glanced at her pointed with her thumb to a basket against the wall. "Put it over there," she said, and turned away.

Mariah flushed. That girl had seen her the day before, knew that she had been punished for lack of control, had seen her spanked and molested and forced to come while being tortured.

Mariah couldn't look at her, or any of the other slaves. They must be disgusted by her weakness.

She placed the sheet in the basket, keeping her legs wide as she walked, pulsing with pain from the day before. Glancing around, she located a cauldron of gruel and nearby bowls and spoons. She served herself, still not looking at anyone.

Mistress Desiree clapped her hands. Mariah followed the other slaves as they made their way to the center of the large room, where Mariah had been tortured the day before.

A slaveboy knelt before Mistress Desiree. He was thin but muscular. Mistress Desiree placed her hand on his head, flattening his auburn corkscrew curls. "Tell them what you did, Bini," she ordered.

Bini's eyes filled with tears. "I . . ." he said, but turned to look at Mistress Desiree. Her face was implacable, merciless. Bini turned back to his fellow slaves. "I touched myself," he spat out. The tears overflowed his eyes. "I was asleep. I didn't know I was doing it. Please, mistress . . ."

Mariah suddenly realized there was nothing unusual about her humiliation the day before. It was just part of the mindgame. It was foolish to be embarrassed. Her every action, every feeling of pleasure and pain, had been forced on her by Mistress Desiree, just as Bini would be tortured now for an action over which he had no control.

Surreptitiously, Mariah looked around. There were about twenty slaves in the room. Mistress Desiree was the only human. Surely she could not control all the slaves all the time. Mariah vowed to seek out those times, to make the most of them, to exercise her will. But, feeling Mistress Desiree's eyes on her, she looked obediently back at Bini, who cowered and sobbed.

Present day

Gabriel watched Rose and Mariah walk out of the revel room, Rose laden with several wooden palettes he had ordered her to clean. Animal touched Gabriel's sleeve. "I need to harvest juniper berries for a green pigment," he said. "Walk with me?"

Gabriel raised his eyebrows in surprise. "I wouldn't have thought to ask you. I've been needing the berries myself, to replenish my supply of arthritis serum."

Animal bowed with a sarcastic flourish before turning to the storage closet. He came out with two baskets. Handing one to Gabriel, he led him through the door that was beneath the first panel of the mural. As they walked across the lawn both men were quiet, lost in their own thoughts.

Animal finally said, "About Amalie . . ." He tugged at his beard. "There's nothing between us. She's an old friend, almost like a sister."

"I could see that," Gabriel said. "I'm glad for you that she has returned."

Animal reddened slightly as he said, "So you didn't turn her down on my account?"

Gabriel began to laugh, but stopped himself when he saw Animal's concerned expression. "No," he said. "I just wasn't interested."

Animal's look deepened. "Why not? She's beautiful, vivacious . . ."

Gabriel frowned. "As are many women here," he said evenly. "I'm just not interested."

They had reached the road that circled the lawn. As they crossed it, Animal said, "I'm worried about you." He picked at a stray straw that poked up from the handle of the basket he carried.

Gabriel waited for Animal to continue. They walked in silence for a few minutes, until finally Animal said, "You won't fuck slaves, and I know you haven't had sex with any humans since you arrived, I would have heard the gossip . . ." When Gabriel did not respond, he pressed on, "It's not healthy. You must be bursting."

Gabriel stopped walking. He said, too evenly, "My sex life is none of your concern, even in this place. I'm neither your lover nor your patient." He added darkly, "Nor your slave."

Animal entered onto a path through the kitchen gardens. "Of course not. You're my . . ." He broke off, and then said, "The Bearer told me to take care of you."

Gabriel refrained from retorting that the Bearer had told Rose, not Animal, to take care of him. He followed Animal into the gardens, but stopped at a large planter containing mint. He plucked a sprig, using the pretense of smelling it to inhale deeply, steadying himself. Animal waited for him, pinching off a leaf himself and rolling it between his fingers. Gabriel said, finally, "Set yourself at ease that my choices are my own. I won't make love to any mistress, whether your friend or not."

Animal blinked several times in rapid succession. "So that's it, is it?" he said. "I didn't pick up on it, but then, you're an outlander . . ."

"I've made no secret of it," Gabriel said shortly.

Neither of them spoke. Animal began walking, but was staring off to the horizon as if searching for a particular cloud. Gabriel followed him.

At last Animal said, his voice strained, "My interests don't go that way, I'd need to be on the receiving end . . ."

Gabriel was confused until he realized what Animal was offering. "No, I didn't . . ." Then he stopped, his anger and embarrassment dissipating. He craned his neck so he could check out Animal's backside. "Well, it's nice and plump," he said, "and if your interests don't go that way you're probably good and tight . . ."

Animal blanched, and Gabriel burst out laughing. "Your virtue is safe with me," he said. "My interests don't go that way either."

Animal let out a sigh of relief. He unconsciously put his free hand behind him as he asked, "But you said . . . you're not interested in women either."

Gabriel was still laughing a little, but he responded, mock-seriously, "Surely you know there are some people who have little sex drive? It's a well-known medical phenomenon."

Animal looked at Gabriel uncertainly. "You're kidding again, right?" he said.

Gabriel nodded. "I'm kidding again," he assured Animal with a rueful smile.

Animal shook his head. He held up his forefinger. "You don't fuck slaves, you told me that yesterday," he said. He held up his middle finger next to his forefinger. "You like women." He held up his ring finger. "You like sex." He held up his pinkie and waved his hand in a chopping motion. "You've got to have sex with human women, then."

"No!" Gabriel said angrily. When Animal startled at his tone, he continued, "To make love to a rapist? Give comfort to a torturer? I could never . . ." His eyes watered with the aggravation, the despair, he had felt almost every moment since crossing the gate into Riviera. "I'd die first," he said, his voice low.

They had reached the stand of juniper trees. Animal put his hand on Gabriel's basket, stopping him from reaching for the light blue berries that hung in bunches. "Look, I feel for you. But you can't keep your seed inside you. It's poison."

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "I assure you, my needs are met."

Animal frowned. "How?" he demanded. "You've been with neither slave nor woman nor man . . ."

"Rose could tell you," Gabriel said tersely as he moved around Animal and began to pluck the berries.

"Oh . . ." Animal said, his voice strained. "Of course. I thought . . ."

"Oh, for . . ." Gabriel said. "I'm no more making love to Rose than I'm lusting after you." Animal looked relieved, then confused. Gabriel continued, "I meant that she changes my sheets."

Gabriel could see realization dawn on Animal. He took a step away from Gabriel, dropping his basket with a thud. "You touch yourself?" he said, sounding horrorstruck.

Gabriel nodded, trying to be grave. "Fairly often, and quite well," he said.

Animal took another step away from him, holding up his hands as if to ward Gabriel away. "You shouldn't . . . You'll go blind."

Gabriel held up his own hands, his palms facing in. "Look," he said, "No hair on my knuckles, either."

Animal shook his head animatedly. "It's wrong, I tell you," he said. "If you don't want to be with a human, find a slave to service you. What you're doing is revolting." Indeed, Animal looked as though he might be ill. "I can't bear to think of it."

"Then don't," Gabriel advised. He continued to pick the berries. But then his hand stilled. "Are slaves forbidden from pleasuring themselves?" he asked.

"Of course!" Animal said. "How could we control them if . . . " He stopped. "What are you planning?" he demanded.

Gabriel ignored his question and continued to harvest berries. Animal slowly added berries to his own basket. When their hands accidentally touched as they both reached for the same bunch of berries, Animal jumped back. Gabriel sighed. He said, "Animal, as a healer, I promise you that what you've been taught, it's not true-no more than . . . so many other things you believe here. Please, trust me that I'm fine?" he asked. When Animal didn't respond Gabriel looked over to him. "And I promise that if I'm not, I'll reconsider your fine, plump . . ."

"Okay, okay," Animal cut him off, shuddering. "I get it. You're fine."

When Gabriel's basket was full and Animal's much less than full, the two men started back through the kitchen gardens. Gabriel carried his basket easily; Animal lugged his. Before they reached the road, Animal set his basket down and massaged his shoulder with his opposite hand.

"Um," he began. Gabriel looked over with raised eyebrows. "I know customs are different in Harmony, no slaves and all that, but over there do you . . ." Gabriel waited in silence, neither encouraging or discouraging Animal. "I mean . . . you do have sex there, right? You're not a . . ." and his voice dropped to a whisper, "a virgin?"

Gabriel barked out a laugh. "No," he said, and added, more soberly, "although no doubt I lack your breadth of experience."

Animal pondered this. "Then you make up for it in depth?" he asked, as he picked up his basket and led Gabriel across the road.

Gabriel shrugged. "I was with the same woman for a couple of years. We talked about getting joined, not long before I came here."

Animal nodded. "Why didn't you?" he asked.

Gabriel sighed, guilt prickling at him. "When Kirsten proposed, it didn't feel right. My father told me he knew he should join with my mother when he realized that he wanted to share with her his dark side - the things in the depths of his soul that made him ashamed."

"Did you think she couldn't have handled your darkness?"

Gabriel shook his head. "She could have handled it," he said. "She was great." It was true.

"What then?" Animal asked. They had reached the steps to the mansion and started to climb them.

Gabriel hesitated. He had never really explained to himself what had been missing. But Animal stood by him, curious and non-judgmental. He said, slowly, "I realized I didn't love her enough to - The thought of doing that work with her . . . it just made me tired."

"And then you volunteered to come here," Animal said.

Gabriel nodded. The irony threatened to overwhelm him. He had done everything in his power to convince the elders to send him here, and he had made such tremendous promises to them that he would not be corrupted. They never knew that he carried his own corruption inside. As they entered the corridor they stopped to let a woman pass, leading a housegirl by a leash attached to her nipples pass. "A journey to escape my darkness to a place where darkness is inescapable."

"That's not true," Animal said. "You're not seeing everything." Gabriel just shook his head.

Mariah remembers

The bulk of the training the slaves received in Mistress Desiree's center concerned cooking. Mariah had never seen food preparation more complicated than heating gruel over a fire. At first, even tasks like breaking eggs and basting meat were challenging to her. Although Mistress Desiree allowed the slaves to taste the food they cooked, Mariah was too focused on avoiding burning herself, or anyone else, to take much interest in that.

Mistress Desiree also taught housework, and what she called deportment. She let the slaves know that their experience with their field masters and mistresses and in the factory was insufficient to impart the behavior that would allow them to thrive, or even to serve, within the mansion. Mistress Desiree taught them when they should look a human in the eye, the crotch, or the foot; how to make it known what they needed - sex, rest, or gruel - without provoking their humans into denying it or punishing them; and how to participate in a conversation if their human desired it.

There were lessons in sex as well, but mostly Mistress Desiree let the slaves teach that art to each other. Generally in the late evenings and early mornings they were allowed to do as they pleased, and Mariah saw that there was nothing that most of them would please to do more than fuck each other.

Which is not to say that Mistress Desiree did not enjoy her own slaves. The one she chose most often was Tariq, a golden skinned, brown-eyed boy a little older than the others with a slow smile Mariah found herself staring at.

Mariah did not want to repeat her mistake during her first days at the factory, when she had not realized that Shinelle was Master Jonas's pet, and part of the mindgame. She spoke little, focused on avoiding punishment, and observed everyone. She took note of who spoke to who, who Mistress Desiree praised or punished, who shirked on their work and who seemed to put in full effort even if their mistress would take no note of it. And she watched Tariq, of the slow smile.

On her fifth night, Tariq watched her right back. Each time Mariah glanced his way he was glancing hers. Finally he left the group he had been chatting with and sauntered up to her.

"All you have to do is ask," he said.

Mariah looked at him blankly, startled.

Tariq came closer. "For me to make love to you," he said.

"What does that mean?" Mariah asked.

Tariq threw back his head and laughed, but not loudly enough to draw attention. He made a circle with his left thumb and fingers and put his right forefinger through its center. "When slaves fuck out of free choice," he said, "we call it making love."

"Why?" Mariah was mystified.

Now Tariq looked startled. "I don't know," he said. "I guess because it's lovely." He reached up and touched Mariah's hair where it reached her shoulder. "It would be with me."

"I'm still sore," Mariah blurted, feeling stupid and clumsy. "From the saw horse."

"I can work with that," Tariq said softly.

Mariah looked at him warily, but found herself blushing. This brought out Tariq's smile. He twirled a strand of Mariah's hair on his finger, then tugged on it gently so that Mariah tilted her head. "Like this," Tariq said, and he leaned forward and fluttered his tongue against the side of her throat, where her pulse beat. It was a tiny touch, but Mariah felt it in her depths.

Tariq stopped, released Mariah's hair, and took a step back. "That's what I'd do to you, if you asked me to," he said.

Mariah imagined his tongue fluttering against her soreness. She involuntarily moved towards him. "Okay," she said, which was the best she could manage. She found herself shaking.

Tariq's smile widened. He picked up a sleeping mat and sheet, and led her by the hand over to a kitchen area on the far side of the room. "I like privacy," he explained when she hesitated. Mariah let herself be led, walking stiffly so that Tariq would not notice her wobbly knees.

He arranged their bed in the center of the U- shaped kitchen. He lay down on it and propped himself up on one elbow, looking up at Mariah and waiting for her. Mariah took a deep breath. Tariq raised his eyebrows and patted the sheet next to him, looking hopeful and sweet and longing all at once. Mariah laughed a little and lay down next to him. She mirrored him, propping herself up on her elbow. Then she was motionless, except for the pounding of her heart.

"Where does it hurt?" Tariq asked her softly.

At first Mariah didn't know what he meant. Her heart hurt, had hurt for so long. But then she remembered - Tariq was not here to love her soul, but her body. She blinked away the stinging in her eyes. "My shoulders, a little," she said. "My pussy, a lot."

"So not here," Tariq said, and he scooted down on the bedding until his mouth was opposite Mariah's breasts. Before he touched them, he said, "This is what I'm going to do down below, soon." He pushed Mariah onto her back and began to lick the underside of her left breast, below her nipple, gently, slowly, using only his tongue. He circled around her nipple, but never on top of it, then did the same to her right breast.

"You can touch me, if you want," Tariq said, as he went back to her left breast.

"Sorry," Mariah said, embarrassed. It was as if she had forgotten all her training. She circled her arms around Tariq, pushing against the strength of his back. She moved her hands down to his buttocks, and just as she grabbed him there he began to lick her nipple.

"Oh," Mariah breathed, and pushed her fingers slowly into his crack. Tariq licked her other nipple.

Tariq moved himself up her body. "Remember, I'm going to do this below soon," he said, and he began to lick her lips, slowly, gently. When Mariah tried to add pressure, he leaned back. "When I do this to your pussy, to your clit," he said, "it will only be my gentle tongue." And he began to lick her mouth, this time the inside of her lips. He was looking into Mariah's eyes and she could sense his smile.