tagHow ToMiscues and Mistakes

Miscues and Mistakes

byDG Hear©

Thanks to LadyCibelle and Techsan for doing my editing. I wouldn't submit a story without their help. As I am writing this story you might see some updates. I have asked different friends their opinions and I may be adding them during the writing of this story.


We probably all watch television or go to the movies. I know we at least read stories or you wouldn't be reading this right now. I have often wondered how these actors and actresses make love or at best have sex. I watch them and try many of the things they do but it never turns out the same. Maybe it's just me. I know I've talked to a couple of friends and they seem to have a few problems also. Let's see how you relate to some of the situations.

Let's start by me undressing my lover. I try to unbutton her blouse but the little button doesn't seem to come through the little slit like it's supposed to. Finally I get it undone and see her breasts staring me in the face. Good deal, progress, maybe she isn't out of the mood yet. I reach my hand behind her back while we are kissing, feeling for the clasp on her bra. Where the hell is the damn thing. I'm an ultra male, I don't want to have to ask her.

Finally in a nice way, we unlock lips and she says, "The clasp is in the front." Then in a very faint voice I hear the word, "Moron."

I quickly undo the clasp and let these big babies bounce out. I want to pull her bra off but it gets tangled in her blouse. Now I have to pull them off together trying to get them off her shoulders in a loving way like they do on TV.

I want us to fall together on the bed gently like they do in the movies. So I hold onto her and kind of pull her toward me so we can fall together onto the bed. Big mistake, I didn't say anything to her as she lost her footing and fell on me as we bumped heads. It kind of killed the mood since now she needed a couple of aspirin for the headache she was quickly getting. I've never gotten that falling together down right. Now I just tell my lady friend to climb on the bed and then I climb on top of her. I can't believe how many aspirin I have saved.

Next, I want to remove her jeans. I have now learned to tell my ladies to remove them before climbing on the bed. Saves a lot of hassle, unless you're a specialist in removing a woman's clothing. I made the mistake a few times of trying to gently remove her jeans while she is lying on the bed. Big, big mistake! Women buy jeans at least one size too small! The jeans look great on them, nice and tight, but they are hell to pull off. Believe me, I've tried more than once. If you can get it over her ass, you might have a chance. I never seemed to be that lucky, as I had to climb up and try to pull the jeans under her ass, scooting each side down about an inch at a time.

You want to do this without pulling her panties off at the same time. You might have to pull her panties and jeans down a little and then kind of pull the panties back up and then back to the jeans again. Hopefully, you were lucky enough to get the jeans down to her thighs. If she has big thighs, you might have to keep scooting the jeans one side at a time. Whatever you do keep complimenting her on her body, even if she has thunder thighs and stretch marks. Don't ask her to spread her legs - it doesn't sound good. If she doesn't do it automatically for you, then scoot up between them and push her legs apart yourself, but not too far - you still have to get her jeans off.

Hopefully your woman should now be lying on your bed with only her panties on. You should climb on the bed and have some foreplay before going much further. Women usually like this unless you are as inept as me.

I was kissing my woman over and over again. I was planting my lips against her taking her breath away. Literally! I didn't know she wasn't able to breath and she started kicking and moving under me. I thought I was really getting her turned on. I was 'Jerry, the super kisser.' I found out she wasn't able to breath through her nose. I guess I really took her breath away. You might want to ask or at least make the kisses short if you see this happening.

I started kissing her neck like they do in the movies. Again, another mistake. I sucked too hard and gave her a hickey. For those of you who don't know what a hickey is I'll explain. It's sucking hard on her neck or other soft places that leave a bruise. Most women don't want hickeys. It's embarrassing especially if other people see the bruises and she has to try and explain it. If she's married, you might be in 'mucho' trouble.

The boobs or breasts are a big misunderstood area. Some women loved them played with. None like them mauled - believe me, I found out the hard way.

Remembering one of my first big breasted women I couldn't wait to get hold of those big babies and I grabbed them. She screamed out, slapped me and went home. The next lady I tried to just squeeze them hoping to turn her on. Again, a mistake. She told me I felt like a mammogram machine - you know, those machines that squeeze the shit out of a woman's tits. No woman - and I mean no woman - wants her breasts squashed, regardless of the size of her boobs.

Here is the right way to do it. I learned after the loss of sex from many women. Don't get your hands near those babies until you have laid some light kisses on them, lots of light kisses. Don't bite! Remember that women do not want sucker bites or any kinds of bites or bruising they might have to explain. Sucking of the nipples are a big yes. Women like this, maternal instinct or something but woman love sucking, licking and kissing of the nipples. If the nipples get big, you're doing real good.

If you did the sucking and licking right, you may now gently massage the breasts. I usually get yelled at and slapped by this time or my woman goes home with sore boobs. If you succeeded to this point, then rub and gently massage her breasts and softly touch the nipples. Be damn gentle with the nipples here. She hopefully is getting into it by now and will let you start to squeeze those babies. If she's moaning or groaning, that is a good sign. If she's just lying there you might want to find out why. She may be sleeping or worse - dead. If she is dead, call 911 and go home. You will be considered a freak if you go any further. That was a joke readers, hopefully.

Time to move down the body. If she has stretch marks or a rather large belly don't say anything negative. If you do, your night will be over. Remember most women's bodies do not look like the ones you see on the big screen. If you look anything like me, be glad that you have any body that moves lying there in front of you. Close your eyes if you have to, but rub and kiss the belly even if it's not attractive.

Let's keep going. Move your hand into her panties. If she has a pad on, you have a problem. Either you have to go further or get up and go home. At this point you might want to pull her panties off and check under the hood so to speak. If you pull her panties off along with the pad or pulled the string and removed the tampon, you have to decide how bad you want it. If she let you go this far, she definitely wants to do it. So what are you going to do? If you don't fuck her now, believe me, you never will!

These kinds of decisions never have to be made on TV shows.

Let's say she's on her period. Put on a condom and jump her bones. If what I'm told is true, women are hot during this time. Use the stupid condom and have fun. If you don't have one or don't like wearing them - and I don't like them - just stick it in as long as you know she is disease free. Blood and cum will always wash off. She'll consider you the man for doing her during this period.

No blood? No problem, she probably wears it for leaks. It only happens in real life. Women laugh, women pee, the pad absorbs it. So, if the pad isn't wet, jump her bones. If the pad is wet, wipe her pussy off with a wash cloth - that's something you never see on TV but it does help. Then proceed to eat her out. Believe me, every woman except the really weird ones likes her pussy eaten out. She may not like to give head but she loves receiving it.

Most pussies are really not that pretty. I have seen a lot of them and still get turned on by them, regardless of how ugly they might be. They look much better in a room that only has a little bit of light. You should know the girl if you are going to eat her out. Also make sure you can get by the smell. If it smells rotten, it probably is. If you like fish, it will be a plus for you. I know, in all the stories you read the writers are talking about the heavenly smell. It only smells like that when you are at your horniest. At that point every pussy looks and smells great!

A word or two about bushes. Most ladies trim their bushes some, younger ones mainly to trim up the hair for their bathing suit bottoms. On the TV they always look great. At the pool where I hang out, I always see the hair sticking out the sides of their suits. Looks funny but I can't help looking anyway. Of course I'm a pussy hound and the hair doesn't bother me, especially in a dim light.

I never see many bald or shaved pussies. I always wondered about getting one between shaves. Does it feel soft or prickly? Would it scratch my dick? Can't help you out here guys. If you see some gray hair on it, don't worry about it. It means she probably knows how to use it. Experience you know is always good. If you get hair between your teeth, try to just remove it without being seen. She usually can't see you over her belly anyway. Don't complain, swallow it if you have to. Hair is just a bit of protein.

Something I forgot to mention while eating pussy. If you have false teeth, leave them in your mouth. It is gross for your date to see your teeth in a glass next to the bed.

Ass fucking: It's not for everybody, including me. I've tried it and it really wasn't that good. My partner said it hurt like hell and there was more than one partner I tried it with. If they don't have an enema or some other way of cleaning it out, it smells. I don't know about you but to me shit stinks. I really don't want it on my dick, even though in some of these stories they seem to like the Hershey highway.

For those of you who like anal sex, that's great. I'm not knocking you or your likes and dislikes. I'm just trying to base my opinions and observations here. The first time I ass fucked, I thought my dick was going to blow up. It didn't fit very well. I used all kinds of lube which helped get it in but it hurt me and it hurt my partner. I just felt my time would have been better spent if I put it in a hot wet pussy. No hard feelings for the anal lovers.

Update from a friend:

"If a woman let's a man take her in the ass and then shits all over the floor, it's not her fault. So don't hold her responsible - you asked for it. Clean up the mess yourself."

Another thought: hemorrhoids are not a pretty sight on anyone. When having anal intercourse you have a tendency to see these ugly red bumps. It might make you change your mind about anal sex. Don't tell your mate about the hemorrhoids, just tell her you wanted her pussy from the rear. She'll probably be much happier anyway.

Just fuck her from behind. You don't have to look at the hemorrhoids because her ass will be closed up and you can hold on to her hips. If you don't see the red bulbs then go ahead and let her have a finger or two up the ass. It's a start.

Underwear, for the man is always interesting. If you expect to get any, make sure you don't have skid marks in your underwear. That is good advice for both sexes. TV and movie people never have skid marks. No woman is turned on by seeing the nicotine stains in your jockeys. Same goes for the guys not wearing under clothing. Shit stains in your jeans aren't so good either.

Guys, if you are expecting to have sex, take a shower or at least wash your cock. You want it sucked? No woman wants to be a dirty cock sucker - that's just nasty. Just for the guys, if you don't have underwear on, pull your own zipper down. If any skin gets caught in the zipper, it hurts like hell and your night will be over before it begins. Your lady friend might be in too big a hurry when pulling down your zipper.

Chapter 2

A few facts guys should know that happen mainly in fantasy land.

Because she let you touch her tit doesn't mean she has an instant orgasm. You want her hot? You have to work at it.

Don't rush to jab fingers into her vagina. She'll let you know when she's ready. I'm told it hurts or feels funny if not lubricated properly.

Just because you want to fuck her doesn't mean the feeling is mutual. Stay cool and go with the flow. She'll let you know when and how she wants it when she's ready. Don't rush her and do a lot of wooing. Women like that.

Only in stories do the women seem to lose all control and want to be lifetime slaves to some idiot just because he has a big cock.

What is a big cock anyway? In some stories, it's 6" while in others it is 11" and even in others 14". Same with width - some of the stories have them bigger than beer cans. I'm afraid if she needs something 14" long and as wide as a beer can she would never be happy with anyone I've ever met.

I remember seeing these girls that were probably more than I could handle. My motto to them has always been: "I can't do them much good but they could do me a hell of a lot."

More knowledge: If your woman has false teeth and wants to give you a blowjob, let her remove said teeth. You do not need her to accidentally bite your dick. It hurts and might make it unusable for awhile. The warm gums feel great around it. Don't kiss her till she puts her teeth back in her mouth and maybe even use mouthwash.

I asked for opinions and just received one from one of my lady friends. Here is what this person had to say:

"Sorry to say but that last part is a crock of shit. If she has false teeth, under no circumstances should you ask her to take them out. You'll think your dick is in a pussy that's just been fist fucked by a 10 ton truck....it'll be so loose that you won't feel anything. Nothing she can do will change it as without teeth the space in the mouth is so great that no cock can fill it and make it feel good for the guy. Furthermore, her jaws will ache so much from trying to suck and not being able to apply proper pressure...the only way she could would be if the guy had one of those 14 inches, wide as a beer can cock you mentioned earlier."

See, I'm open-minded enough to even grant other opinions in my story. Besides, it makes sense to me. Teeth or no-teeth, that is the question. As they say on Fox news, "You decide."

Toilet seats always seem to be a big issue. Never know why, if it's up and you have to take a shit or a woman wants to use it, put the damn thing down. If you have to take a piss, then lift it up. Don't piss on the seat. Women don't like to sit on a toilet seat that is all wet. If you pissed on it, then wipe it off. Your lady will be glad you did.

If you invited her over to your pad, you might want to put the seat down for her. If she goes to take a piss before you make love and the seat is up and she falls into the bowl, your night of love making will be over.

Let's see, where else can I help you out here? Oh, after making love, compliment her on her lovemaking even if it wasn't the greatest. Smooch with her a little before rolling over and going to sleep. If you want to be the big man on campus then sleep on the wet spot. Show her that you really care. If you do that and wake up in the middle of the night, you can probably get another hunk while she is sleeping.

You have to remember that these are only suggestions and ideas. They don't work for everyone.

One final thought. If you have to pay her for the sex when you are finished, then do whatever the fuck you want. She'll be back.

Hope these suggestions help you out with your sex life. I'm always here to help.


I entered this in the 'How To' contest. If you liked it, please vote.

Thank you

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DG Hear

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