All Comments on 'Miss Perkins: Monday'

I like it , but I hope Tuesday gets a little hotter than Monday

Too much time spent describing building and business, no action.

I like a story with build up and doesn't necessarily go right into the action...I especially liked the dialogue with the Mom at the end of the story.

Lots of development here, but so far it's in vain - no meat, so to speak, just yet. This could be the foundation for an involved longer piece is my hope, in which case it will have been appropriate.

The writing style in this piece is really, really annoying. Incomplete sentences serve a purpose, but when every other sentence is incomplete, it's overkill. I suspect you were trying for a sort of "hard boiled" feel, but if so, you've fallen short.

Also, you appear to have some trouble with commas. This is a problem in all of your stories. I suggest you get an editor to help you with that.

The dialogue seems awkward and forced. Read the spoken lines out loud, and then ask yourself if people really talk this way. It's true that in fiction, people can be a bit more articulate than they would in real life, but no one says things like, "I just had my hair done and wanted to wear something appropriate for the hair", or "I got a present all picked out and picking it up next week".

As for the plot, I understand that it's the first chapter, but there's nothing here to hold a reader's interest. Whether or not there was sex isn't the point. The important thing is that literally nothing happens to hook the reader in and make them want to read the next installment.

Sorry if this offends you, but I've read several of your other stories, and know you can do better than this.

2/5

Was there a point to your dribble or just felt an urge to write some words?????

emap. I gotta say, I understand the comments complaining about your writing style. And, I gotta say that I do not agree with them. I like the flow of building your characters, constructing their interactions and the quality of their dialogue. Very realistic from what I have read so far.

I enjoy how your storyline takes some intellectual effort to comprehend all the details and how they interlink. Personally, I get off on tormenting my readers with word puzzles and moralistic pontificating. It pleasures me, the hate mail I receive.

Haven't found anything yet rave about.

Hope the next submission is better than this one

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