Mom Overboard

Mom Overboard

To the extent the Washington, D.C. area has a best season, many would claim that it's spring -- particularly late spring. As late May arrives, temperatures haven't generally reached their scorching mid-summer heights and the tell-tale humidity that practically hangs over the nation's capital from June until late September is still quite tolerable. Serendipitously for Americans living in the region, the last Monday in May, and the two weekend days before it, also mark the Memorial Day weekend holiday -- the unofficial beginning of summer.

In most towns across America, that weekend is heralded with much fanfare to honor those who have served their country. Parades, barbecues and the like provide revelers with all manner of opportunity to celebrate their nation's veterans. In Davidson, Maryland, a small affluent suburb equidistant between Washington, D.C. and Baltimore, the Memorial Day weekend also marks the official opening of many a private community pool including the one in the toniest of Davidson's gated enclaves where Mrs. Danielle Marie Parnell resides with her family.

Memorial Day weekend holds a special place in the heart of the 44 year-old mother of three, a stunning beauty by any measure with a fantastically fit body and a face that combines the best of Kerry Russel and Miranda Kerr. But Danielle's affection for the holiday is not a function of any particular love of veterans or of Americana generally -- although both are issues about which she cares deeply. Rather, Mrs. Parnell's annual desire for the weekend's arrival -- particularly the opening of her private community's spectacular pool -- stems from her love of, to her, the most important, most beautiful, most intelligent and sophisticated person on the planet, namely herself.

Why -- because each annual reopening of the community pool affords the stunning diva the opportunity to assert her dominance not only over the neighborhood's male population -- who to a man and boy lust after the self-satisfied beauty but -- more satisfyingly to her -- over the wives, mothers and girlfriends of that population. In her mind, simply teasing the pathetic men and boys of her community is easy enough; all she needs to do to accomplish that is appear. But although the preening diva derives no small amount of satisfaction from leaving the pathetic males of her community drooling, what really brings her joy is to loudly, publicly and derisively chide them when she "catches" them in the act of ogling her irresistible form.

"Eyes up here, Mr. Wray," she'll harp.

"Why don't you take a picture Dr. Miras, it will last longer," she'll mock.

"Your wife is right there Mr. Silver," she'll chide.

"What would your mother think Calum," she'll implore.

But as much as she revels in the feeling she gets from demeaning these losers -- Danielle Parnell's real satisfaction came from watching their wives, daughters and girlfriends squirm as she implies -- or sometimes even expresses -- how if those women would do a better job tending to themselves their men wouldn't need to obsessively follow her around. The hags, she would smile to herself. Your men all want to see me and you cows all want to be me.

Mrs. Parnell's tried-and-true formula for making her Memorial Day poolside debut is as simple as it is calculated. Each May, about two weeks before the community pool opens and whether her children are off from school or not, she plans a family vacation to an exotic beach destination to work on her always fantastic tan. Around that same time, in addition to her already high-octane fitness regime, she dials up her exercise quotient and assiduously focuses on adhering to an even healthier diet than usual. Finally, she shops each year for a new, sexy but elegant poolside ensemble consisting each time of a pair of high, often wedge, heels, a sophisticated bikini to show off her tan, fit, physique, a stylish cover up to help build the anticipation of her pathetic audience, a pair fashionable new sunglasses through which to watch her prey and a spectacular sun hat.

After that, it's all about the timing. Danielle dispatches her now college age son Will to reserve her a seat by the pool -- not too close to the water but where everyone can see her -- and then, once she is confident that most of the "rabble" had otherwise assembled for the day, she struts through the clubhouse, onto the pool deck and ultimately to her seat, head held high and hips swaying confidently. With each step she basks in the lust she knows is being directed her way from each man and boy present as well as in the daggers being thrown by their wives, mothers and girlfriends. Of course, the coup de grâce for the preening diva's ego comes from her slowly peeling out of whatever elegant cover-up she is wearing to reveal her spectacular bikini covered body to the unworthy gazes of her neighborhood's simpletons.

And so it was on the Saturday before the most recent Memorial Day, with the sun shining brightly, no hint of humidity and a temperature in the low 80s, that Danielle Marie Parnell began her veritable catwalk across the pool deck to her waiting chair. Wearing a pair of suede, navy blue and gold, 4.5" open-toe, platform wedge-heels from Prada, a gauzy Ralph Lauren white wrap-around skirt cover-up, with an accompanying navy, linen, military-style bolero jacket, mirrored aviator sunglasses and a highly stylized, black-brimmed, white captain's hat, the toned and tanned Mrs. Parnell was every inch a red-blooded American man's patriotic wet dream -- and she knew it.

Carrying a Louis Vuitton beach bag in one hand and a book in the other the suburban sexpot outwardly feigned indifference to the lustful stares coming her way that internally fed her insatiable ego. She smiled as she assessed the pathetic state of the neighborhood's other women -- the pale, unfit losers.

"Hey there Danielle," came a soft but friendly southern accented voice interrupting Mrs. Parnell's musings.

The source of that voice, one Mrs. Katherine Elizabeth Wray, was one of Davidson's nicest women and no slouch in the fitness department herself. Although she was happily married with two boys and a girl of her own, she paid almost as much attention to the beauty before her as did Davidson's men, a fact that was not lost on Danielle.

"Why hello there Katherine," Mrs. Parnell responded disdainfully with a false smile on her otherwise gorgeous face, "now don't forget to put on the SPF 100 dear... you wouldn't want to burn that lovely pale skin of yours."

"And Emily," the preening uber-MILF without even breaking stride offered to Mrs. Emily Duncan, another neighbor who was lying out next to Mrs. Wray, "I think it may be time to get back into the gym... don't you."

As the two insulted suburban moms silently stewed, and the other women who had witnessed their dressing down bristled at the arrogance of Little Miss Perfect, Danielle continued her proud promenade across the pool deck until, nearly to her waiting chair upon which her smug son Will had just laid out her towel, she spied her daughter Anna and her friends sitting together nearby.

At 5' 6", the 18-year-old Anna Parnell -- a very pretty young girl -- was already a good deal taller than her mother (a fact that annoyed Danielle to no small extent). Indeed, among the many "house" rules set down by Mrs. Parnell was that Anna was too young for high heels. Of course, Danielle herself would never be seen without them and, at least for now, her ordinarily towering shoes continued to give her a slight height advantage over her oldest daughter.

As with many kids her age, Anna was beginning to test the limits of parental authority and, on this day, had decided to wear a two piece bathing suit to the Memorial Day pool opening in large part to catch the eye of Aaron Tabash, the 20-year old life guard and former Gonzaga High School star athlete who had just returned from his freshman year at Harvard where he had successfully rowed for the elite institution's national championship crew team.

"Excuse me missy," rang out the shrill sound of an annoyed Danielle Parnell as she approached the gaggle of girls that included her daughter, "but what exactly do you think you're wearing."

"Mom," shot back Anna through clenched teeth, "cut it out... you're embarrassing me."

"You better change that tone young lady," came her mother's clipped response, "and you're only embarrassing yourself. What did I say about bikinis? Hmmm... well let me remind you... you are NOT to wear them do you hear me... they're not for little girls. Now get home and change before I drag you home."

"But mom," the junior Ms. Parnell pleaded looking over her shoulder at the handsome Aaron Tabash whose attention had been drawn by the minor commotion.

Realizing completely now why her daughter had defied her, Danielle Marie Parnell decided to put young Anna in her place in a most humiliating manner.

"Oh please, Anna," Danielle laughed as she peered over her aviator shades at the tall, tan, fit Aaron Tabash, "he's a man for God's sake. He's not going to be interested in you no matter what you're wearing. Now you get home and change this instant."

"Fine," croaked the embarrassed teen as some of the younger boys at the pool pointed and laughed and her annoying brother Will, guffawing mightily, walked over, "but I'm wearing whatever I want tonight to the party!"

"Oh is that so," her mother mockingly responded, "perhaps you've forgotten that your punishment this summer for lying about your grades includes "volun-teening" as a waitress at tonight's party. So don't worry about what to wear -- it has already been chosen for you -- in fact, the caterer left your rental uniform at the house."

"And don't forget Anna," continued the cowed teen's imperious mother as standing toe-to-toe with Anna in her towering wedge heels Danielle looked down upon her middle child and put her bejeweled hand up to the brim of her sexy naval cap, "while you live under my roof, I'm the captain. Your brother over here is the first mate and you're nothing but a deckhand. Now go home and change before I ground you."

"Yeah, get lost deckhand," mocked a laughing Will Parnell delighted by his mother's dressing down of his younger sister.

As Will led his mother to the place he had set out for her, Anna's friends -- embarrassed for their humiliated compatriot -- brought voice to what almost every onlooker to the mother-daughter spat was thinking.

"Oh my god," said Jocelyn Carter, "can you believe Anna's mom?"

"I know, what a snob," added Sarah Duncan.

"That's one word for it," young Kimberly Wray chimed in, "the better one starts with a 'b.' She makes Anna go home and dress like a nun while she parades around here in her high heels, teeny-weeny bikini and that ridiculous captain's hat."

As the three girls giggled -- each one thanking God Mrs. Parnell wasn't her mom -- Danielle was slipping out of her linen jacket and gauzy white skirt to reveal her incredibly fit, tan body to the awaiting eyes and loins of her neighborhood's male population. Accidentally "dropping" her novel to the ground, the sexy solicitor -- still of course in her high wedge heels -- bent slowly at the waist to retrieve the errant book. As swim trunks strained and men groaned audibly, Danielle Parnell -- still in full bend --glanced up toward a spellbound Aaron Tabash and, peeking over the top of her mirrored aviator shades, winked sexily at the young, tan, stud.

And then, having teased the object of her daughter's affection to distraction, Mrs. Parnell laid face down on the chair her son -- still sitting next to her -- had set.

"Will -- be a good little first mate and rub some lotion on mommy's back would you," Danielle sleepily directed her son -- an unintended Jocasta to the "growing" boy's sexually confused Oedipus, "and undo my top so I don't have a tan line back there."

"But mom," Will stammered uncomfortably, "all the guys are watching... even Aaron is looking over here."

"Perhaps I should ask him to help me..." Danielle snickered only half-joking and loud enough for the young collegian to hear.

"No way," came Will's quick response, "I'm the first mate -- not him."

"That's what I thought you'd say dear," his mother practically purred, "now, let's not let mommy burn shall we."

* * *

As she helped organize the appetizers that as a "Volun-teen" she'd soon be serving to her friends and neighbors around the same pool at which her mother had humiliated her that afternoon, Anna Parnell was fuming. By the time she returned to the pool earlier that day -- in an old one piece swimming suit that made her look every bit like the child her mom wanted her to be -- her friends had already left and Aaron Tabash's attention was fixated upon her show-off of a mother.

If that wasn't bad enough, when she got home again she found waiting on her bed an ill-fitting, black, polyester waitress uniform -- the skirt of which went down below her knees -- a pair of black, flat, rubber soled shoes and a discolored white apron the likes of which would never see its intended hue again. And now, while all her friends and their families were arriving in their trendy, fashionable, party dresses and seer sucker shorts and suits -- and, at least for her close pals, a plan to go skinny-dipping together later that night -- Anna Parnell was getting ready to wait on them.

"What could make this night any worse," she thought. And then her mother arrived.

Striding through the clubhouse in her nearly 6" gold, spiked, Christian Louboutin platform, peep-toe pumps Danielle Marie Parnell felt more confident than ever. Dressed from the waist down in a pair of midnight-blue, translucent, silk harem pants with a slit that ran up the side of each tanned and toned leg from the tight fit on her perfectly sculpted ankle nearly to the apex of her magnificently muscled hip, the comely counselor was every bit a fashion-forward fantasy. Around her toned waste a gold chain belt played southern border to her exquisitely exposed, bronzed midriff.

From that belt her sculpted bare abdomen rose to meet the bright-white silk of a tight crop top that further served to enhance her spectacular tan as well as her gravity defying cleavage. Over that crop-top, but open in the front to profile the sexy uber-MILF's fit midsection, Danielle wore a highly stylized, midnight blue, mock-military bolero jacket that, like the white-silk top that it covered, was cropped below her ample bosom to permit her "admirers" an unobstructed view of her tiny, toned waist and stomach. Mock stripes -- in gold silk embroidery -- adorned the ends of her three quarter sleeves as well as the epaulettes on her fit shoulders. After all, thought the preening prima donna laughing to herself, there is certainly no one here that outranks me.

Atop her now immaculately coiffed hair, Mrs. Parnell wore again the black-brimmed white captain's hat to cap off her military ensemble. With the early evening sun still high in the late spring sky, Danielle sported her mirrored aviator sunglasses to protect her emerald green eyes. For make-up, the ageless beauty wore just a hint of foundation and blush to complement her evenly tanned visage. Her lipstick was a pale shade of pink. From each ear, keeping with the nautical theme, dangled a diamond encrusted anchor. On a simple gold chain, a similarly bejeweled ships wheel hung around her neck.

The sharp tempo of her towering heels striking the teak planks of the community pool deck heralded Danielle's transition from the clubhouse to the great outdoors. That sweet sound in turn precipitated necks to snap in her direction as every man and boy in attendance drank in both her sartorial and physical splendor and every woman and girl rued the local show-off's arrival.

Mrs. Parnell reveled in the male lust and adoration that followed her and, so as to feed her own insatiable ego even more, began to scan the crowd of doting male idiots around her to determine which one to tease to distraction before -- when he took the bait and attempted to reciprocate -- bringing down the hammer of humiliation on him in front of every one in attendance. Where was Adam Hess she thought to herself acknowledging her weakness for the tall, handsome husband of Rebecca Ross -- who was in Danielle's view an undeserving wife to the "real man" she married. For Danielle Parnell, the tension between her desire to have Mr. Hess and her love of humiliating him and his wife made the man by far her most desirable target.

Not yet spying her intended victim and loathe to let just any man get her a drink -- despite the veritable smorgasbord of willing but terrified candidates -- the sexy sailor summarily summoned one of the evening's "help" to satiate her thirst.

"Excuse me... you there... girl," she practically commanded to a waitress not far away, "get me a glass of champagne would you... and make it quick... I don't have all night."

Anna Parnell was not at all surprised when she turned around to acknowledge the rude guest summoning her, to come face to face with her own mother -- or rather Anna's face to her mom's impressive chest given the former being in flats and the latter in her towering 6" platform heels.

"There's no need to be rude mom," snapped Anna who held the woman in front of her solely responsible for what thus far had been an incredibly humiliating day.

Not pleased with Anna's attitude and still unsatisfied that her daughter understood who was in charge, Danielle decided again to put Anna in her "rightful place."

"Rude... rude is the help giving a guest attitude when she asks politely for a glass of champagne..," the determined diva proclaimed quite loudly so that Anna's nearby friends could hear, "now mind your manners young lady and do as I ask or you're going to find yourself in a world of trouble."

"And bring me a lemonade while you're at it," came the laughing voice of Will Parnell who, sidling up to his mother in a pair of Vineyard Vines white and purple seersucker shorts, white buck shoes and a purple linen shirt, loved getting his second opportunity of the day to insult his younger sister.

"You heard your brother," Danielle chimed in again, "now make it quick."

Having not been able to stop thinking about Will's mom since she winked at him at the pool, and seeing the commotion among the Parnell clan, Aaron Tabash, in a pair of white linen shorts, white bucks, a white oxford shirt and a blue blazer, decided to try his hand at chivalry.

"Um," the young tan Adonis began as he lightly touched Danielle's elbow from behind, "I'd be happy to get that champagne for you Mrs. Parnell."

Turning to see who had the audacity to touch her, Danielle smiled devilishly to herself when she came face-to-face with the young collegian hero. Having worked the boy up at the pool, this was a perfect opportunity to slam him back down to earth. And it was made all the better by having Anna and all his other little worshipers standing right there.

"Get your hands off me young man," Danielle chided the shocked jock. "I'm not some teeny-bopper who swoons every time you walk by and I most certainly don't need to be offered a drink by some under aged little boy."

Completely embarrassed by his unexpected dressing down, Aaron Tabash turned about three shades of red as Anna's friends pointed and giggled at him.

"But...," the cowed crewman stammered.

"But nothing... you should be ashamed of yourself," snapped Danielle before, turning to her son who was smirking at his now fallen idol, commanded, "Will, help mommy get her blazer off would you dear?"