Money is Not Free

"When I finally left his apartment, I couldn't believe what I had just done. I didn't have an explanation for what happened. He is older than we are by about 10 years. Yet he has a vitality that totally dominates me."

"That was the first time. I was glad to get away from him. I needed my mind back. Likewise, I was guilty beyond my wildest imagination. Since then, I have tried to avoid sex with you. I was afraid of the comparison between you two. I was afraid that whatever he did to me, would make me his, if I compared the two of you. We have had sex a few times since my first time with him. I felt so guilty and tense each time I was with him that I couldn't give myself totally to you, so I avoided you."

"Even now I can't tell you what my relationship with him is. I want to be with him, but not because I love or even like him much, but because I can relieve some of his pain. Somehow that has value to me."

"What about my pain?" I asked.

"You are so strong that I come to you when I am in pain or have a problem. I don't feel that I am strong enough to take your pain away. I don't feel that you need me to take your pain away. I feel that he needs me."

"Well, let me be clear about how I feel. I am in pain. Real pain like I have never felt before. You have given me that pain. I feel that I have lost my best friend, my trusted lover, my wife, and the marriage that was supposed to last till we died of old age. My heart bleeds and my mind is always someplace else. Maybe I will land up like Peter and lose my job because my mind is lost, because of the pain you are inflicting on me. And now, I don't know that you can rid me of the pain you have given me. I no longer trust you, your promises or vows. Staying with you will only lead to more pain for me, since now I know that you will lie to me and no longer belong solely to me.

"I am so sorry, my husband. You are the only one I truly love. I don't know what to do."

"Well we have to start someplace. That someplace will be without finances. Since I have been paying most of our costs, and some of his, that will stop. You will pay half of our common costs and all of your personal costs as per the breakdowns we have both agreed on. To the end I have taken steps to cancel everything that has both our names on it and anything you personally use that I am paying for, like your car.

I paid the private investigate more that $3000 to find out the truth. You have been honest with Peter about me, yet you have lied to me about him. From that I assume that your loyalty is to him more than me.

"No, please that is not so. I love you. I don't love him."

"Yet you want to go to him, don't you?"

"Yes, but only for the sex, and only to rid him of his pain."

"All the while not caring about the pain you are putting on me, your loving husband," I said.

"So what are you going to do?" she asked while shaking and sobbing.

"A clean break is the easiest for me. A clean break means divorce and I would never have anything more to do with you."

Alice broke down and had trouble breathing as tears filled her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.

I continued, "Unfortunately for me, I still have feeling for you, while you continue to hurt me. So I am not throwing you out. Since you already have a bed someplace else, you can sleep in one of the children's rooms. We will not be sleeping together again. Since I do not own you, I can't control you, but I can react to your hurtful actions. I will not pay for any of your leisure time or other activities that conflict with our original marriage vows."

"I canceled all our common financial obligations, such as our credit cards. I will be selling your car, since it is in my name, and I am paying for it. I will also cancel the insurance on it. You will have to buy another car or buy this one from me at market rate and get your own insurance. You need to take out a credit cards in your name only. I canceled your cell phone which is in my name and, I am paying for it. Till I decide what to do about your health insurance, it will remain on my plan. Since we will still be legally married we will sign and register a separation agreement so that I do not get addled with any of your debts. "

"From this weekend on I will consider our legal marriage and all financial obligations null and void. You are free to come and go as you want, but you will pay for it. I will not under any circumstances pay for anything you do with Peter or any other man. If you need money to support your half of the household, get a second job, or ask Peter for financial help. You were always a good fuck. Peter should be willing to pay the current market rate for your services. I won't subsidize them. Tomorrow we'll sit down and detail our arrangement. "

I looked at Alice my best friend, mother of my children and love of my life as she sank to the ground. I wasn't throwing her out, but I was making her pay her own way. It seems too easy when you subsidize someone, for whatever reason, to take advantage of the situation. Had I not loved her and given her a comfortable life? Was I a patsy or cuckold? Yes, only because I loved her and did not know what she was doing.

I've heard stories of people dissolving into a mass of flesh on the floor. I never thought I would see it until I watched my once faithful wife Alice dissolve in tears.

"Please go upstairs and move your things from what was "our" bedroom. Then if you want to continue crying, do so in your new room. Or you can go and stay with Peter. I no longer care."

Alice continued crying while on the floor. When she realized I was not going to comfort her, she got up and dragged herself to "our" bedroom. I could hear her crying for a long time. For all our years together, I did everything I could to comfort her and eliminate as much pain as I could. Now I felt guilty of not doing anything to comfort her.

I turned on the TV and raised the volume so that I would not hear her crying. After a while I realized the hallway movement between "our" bedroom and one of the kids' bedrooms had stopped. Peering into the hallway I saw Alice dragging her things between the rooms. Since she wasn't crying loudly, I lowered the TV volume.

When everything became too quiet I went to the closed bedroom door of the room she would be sleeping in, and listened. She was talking to someone on the phone. I wasn't sure, but it sounded as though she was talking to Peter.

Later that evening she came into the living room and sat on a chair while I watched TV.

"I am so sorry I hurt you!"

"Really?

"Yes!"

"So are you going to stop hurting me?"

"I can't just abandon Peter."

"I guess you have to choose who is more important to you."

"You both are."

"So after all our years together, my value to you is on par with this other man you recently began sleeping with?"

Alice looked down at the floor and said "I guess."

"So how are you going to explain this to our children and parents?"

"I don't know"

"You are ending our marriage. We'll never grow old together. We'll never be a family again. Furthermore, we won't share our grandchildren. You are killing "our" future, and you are OK with it?"

"You could forgive me?"

"I don't share my wife with anyone, man or woman. If I am not enough for you and you need some strange from outside our marriage, there is no future for us. Be aware that I am not going to sugar coat our relationship to the kids or parents. You'll have to stand up for what you believe and explain it yourself.

"So as long as I stay in the house, how are we going to get along?"

"You are going to sign the separation agreement and start paying your fair share. If we eat together we'll share the food expense. If you sleep here, I won't burden you with doing anything for me. The only thing I ask is that if you are not sleeping in this house, let me know, so I don't worry."

"You might worry about me?"

"Of course, just like I would worry about anyone I was semi living with. I worry about your Peter! Anyone with any moral fiber, would not be fucking a married woman. That alone tell you a lot about his character. Knowing that, I worry about you being with him. Are you the only cunt he is fucking? What about STD's. Are you sure both of you are clean? I worry, but I can't control you. You could be taking your life in hand! At the very least, when he is finished with you, what will happen to you? I won't be there for you!"

"So what now?"

"There is nothing much to change. You can come and go as you please, just like you have been doing. We don't sleep together anymore, so I'll have to take care of myself. You take care of yourself. As financial payments arise, you'll have to come up with your half. You'll have to buy another car, unless you want to buy your car at the current market rate. One thing you should start doing immediately is take care of your health and finances. I am not going to support you or any part of what you do. You are alone, unless Peter steps up."

I don't know much about Peter. Does he work? Can he support you? Does he want to support you? Do you want to marry him when we divorce? Divorce is the natural conclusion of our relationship. Is he interested in marrying you? You said his wife and one or more of his children died. He lost his job after more than 15 years. How truthful is he? We already know that he has no moral character if he is fucking a married woman. Have you really checked him out? Did you hire a PI to verify his claims? Have you been paying any part of your time with him? Does he have a job now?

"I told you as much as I know about him," Alice said.

"So basically what you know is what he told you. And you are putting our marriage and your future on the line for that? How long is he going to need your pity fuck? It could last a long time, or it could go to hell in a short time if he finds a younger and more vigorous woman. You are not that young anymore. There are plenty of younger and prettier woman for him to choose from. Have you thought about all of this?"

"I trust him. I trust that what he told us is the truth."

"So, aside from him fucking you and having you pay for some of your time together, where do you see this relationship going?"

"I. . . Don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead. All I've thought about is our current relationship."

"We married because we thought about the future relationship we wanted. Well, now that you know our relationship is nosediving down to nothing, don't you think you should think about your future relationship with Peter? Or, maybe you should think about your future alone?"

"You're scaring me!," Alice said.

"Well, you should be scared. Neither of us is that young anymore. I know I'll have to start looking for a future life partner. Since I found out about your relationship with Peter, I have had several "dates" or outings. Nothing physical has happened, yet. I told both women about my situation with you, and that it was ending. I wanted to see if dating at our age was the same as it was when we first dated."

"You're really leaving me?"

"Nope. You have already left me. I am no longer the main man in your life. We are sharing the house and expenses for a while, but we are not getting back together. At some point either you or I will tire of this pseudo relationship and look to move the separation to its conclusion, divorce."

"I think we have talked enough for tonight. I am tired and have a lot to do tomorrow. Sign the separation agreement so that we can move forward. Have a lawyer look at it, if you want. Either way I am instituting the conditions of the agreement. You might want to go to the bank tomorrow to straighten out your finances since you are going to be paying your part of our relationship. I want to have the car you are using sold by Wednesday. If you can pay the balance, you can have it. Otherwise, I'll sell it online."

"I need a car!" Alice said.

"Then buy one," I responded. "I am not paying one dime for anything you do, anymore. Get used to it. Also, don't forget the phone."

I looked at her, went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer, then went to "my" bedroom.

The lights were off and the living room was empty when I woke the next morning. I wasn't sure if Alice was still in the house, or she left for Peter's. Either way I had plenty of things to do to fulfill the requirements of the separation agreement.

I was sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and reading the day's paper when Alice walked in.

"Good morning, I said."

"Good morning," she replied. "Was last night a dream?"

"No! We are separating. You are continuing your relationship with Peter since he is more important to you than I am, and we are winding down the relationship between us. I figure we should have divorce paperwork within six months. By-the-way, you need to sign the separation agreement. If you don't, I'll just apply for a divorce."

"Do we have to really separate? Can't we just continue till my relationship with Peter goes forward or dies?"

"Nope! I am not your fallback position. You already told me you can't give him up. I gave you a choice, him or me, but not both. You chose him. I am crushed that all our years together means so little to you. We cannot just continue. We have to end it. I have to end it. I have to move on. I need to get a life."

"We both have a lot of things to do today. I'll be leaving soon. I'll be back this evening, after dinner. Don't bother preparing anything for me. We'll sit down when I get back and straighten out anything that is unclear. I should be out of here within half an hour."

Alice sat at the kitchen table and watched as I ran back and forth preparing to leave for the day. She was still sitting at the table when I passed her on my way out of the house.

"What am I to do?" Alice asked rhetorically.

I drove to a nearby park and began walking the paths while talking to myself. As much as I had prepared myself for the confrontation, I was a mental wreck. Since she was not willing to end her relationship with Peter, what choice did I have, none. I was devastated that Peter and I were on the same level. All our married years together meant nothing.

Could I still change her mind? Did I want to? Were there extenuating circumstance that could justify fighting to keep this marriage? There was only she and me. If I could keep this marriage from collapsing, would I be sure that something similar would not happen in the future? She was more committed to Peter than she was to me. I had to let her fall and fail. I had to keep on living. Life goes on.

It took a week to straighten out our finances. She took over payments for her phone. It was more expensive since we were no longer on a family plan. She couldn't find enough money to buy out the expensive car I bought for her use. She bought a 5-year-old car, so I sold the car she used and split the sale price with her.

I got back to the house with food purchases I bought for myself. She was on the kitchen table trying to figure out her weakly income Vs expenses. She didn't have enough income, or put another way, her expenses were too high. She asked for my help.

As soon as I looked at her figures it was obvious that some of her expenses were going to Peter. She explained that he was too depressed to get a good paying job. I explained that facts of life to her, if she was going to maintain her current expenses, she would need to find another source of income. I was not going to give her any leeway. She either came up with her half of the money, or she would do without.

She started crying again.

"Don't bother crying to me. You made your choice. Talk or cry to Peter."

"But I am still your wife!"

"Only on paper. You divorced me when you started fucking Peter. You are more Peter's wife than you are mine. Furthermore, you are fucking him, not me. Your loyalties are with Peter, not me. You have to go to where your loyalties are."

"Please, I need help."

"I will only help you where it does not cost me, and certainly not where Peter gets any of my money."

"Don't you have any compassion? Don't the years we spent together, mean anything to you?"

"They mean as much to me as they mean to you, nothing. You trashed all the emotions we had between us. And, you continue to do so."

"OK, OK, I'll figure something out."

"The way I see it, you have one of three solutions; either get another job, spend less, or get Peter to cough up some of the money you need. One thing for sure; you have no sympathy from me."

In frustration, she picked up her paperwork and went to HER bedroom.

I unpacked the food I bought and began preparing MY dinner. After about 45 minutes she came in to the kitchen and asked what was dinner.

"Nothing for you," I answered.

"Why are you being so cruel?" she asked.

"It is your cruelty to the husband you married so many years ago, had children with, and then threw him away for a short term romance of pity. You have no special relationship with me. I help you like I would help anyone who asked for it."

"You are so frustrating!"

"You are so hurtful, and you continue hurting. The best thing for me as to have you move out. You already have a bed waiting for you. You don't have to stay here every night. All that does is hurt me more. Maybe you enjoy hurting me, though I have no idea why. Why don't you start moving your things to Peter's?"

"I already asked him. He doesn't want me to move into his place. He thinks that if I did, something bad would happen to me, just like it did to his family."

"That's BS if I ever heard it. Most probably having you living with him would cramp his style with the other women he is bonking. I am sure you are not his "favorite". If you were, he would gladly have you stay with him."

"That's not right. He is only thinking of me. It would be my bad luck if I stayed with him. I don't believe in good or bad luck, but he does. Until he sees that luck doesn't play a part in our relationship, I'll have to be understanding."

"I never thought you were so gullible and stubborn. Life will teach you the truth. While we are talking about this, have you spoken to any of the kids or parents?"

"I don't see any reason to tell anyone anything."

"At some point I will, so you should prepare, unless you feel that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. I am sure everyone will see your loyalty to Peter, more than to me, as something to be admired."

"Asshole!"

"Yeah, I'm the asshole who is throwing a good marriage away! Tell the kids! Tell our parents! Get their support! Maybe they'll help you with your money problems. Just remember, any blame on me, and I tell them the whole story."

Months passed and Alice did find a second job. Working two jobs wasn't fun. It didn't leave her a lot of time to enjoy it with Peter. When she did find the time, she was too exhausted to please either of them. Both parted frustrated.

After almost three months Peter expressed concern for Alice. Every time they met, Alice was too tired to give and receive bedroom pleasures. He suggested they take a break until Alice got her life together so that they could enjoy each other's company. Peter's attitude was changing. When Alice began her relationship with him, it was out of pity for a depressed man. Of late, he wasn't talking about his depression but rather their enjoyment. Alice was so involved with him that she didn't notice the change.

Alice and I were still sharing the house, and the bills. Based on what Alice told me, I realized what was happening. I didn't want to throw it in her face, but I did want her to realize on her own what was happening. Alice was no longer a good fuck, and she wasn't contributing any money to their shared time. Peter didn't want her anymore. I didn't think he ever needed her, certainly not without the money she provided for their shared time.