Money is Not Free

The more Peter begged off meeting Alice, the more depressed she became at the house we shared. She left the house for her full time job in the morning after eating breakfast at the table with me. She was depressed when she woke in the morning and found no relief when she had to prepare her own breakfast.

The only thing we shared were the expenses and maybe a little conversation when the two of us are at the table at the same time. During breakfast, we talked as though our relationship was normal. It was anything but normal.

Just to meet her payments obligations her second job lasted till after 9pm on weekdays and half a day on Saturday. By the time she got home, it was easy to see there was no joy in her life. She had to pay her own way and there was no one to share maintenance activities i.e. laundry, food purchases, car maintenance, etc. I think Alice would have moved out at some point, but her half of the household expenses was significantly less than renting her own place.

Alice was exhausted and depressed. It became more so when she realized that I was dating. She knew I was dating, but what brought it home was the phone calls I kept getting. We didn't have a landline so our phone calls in and out were on our cell phones. While I only made the occasional outbound phone call, I received several each night. Sometimes she would get home from her second job after 9pm and hear me on my phone making arrangements to meet someone. Sometimes it was evident I was talking with a guy, other times it was obvious I was talking with a woman. Evidently "good guys" in my age group are much desired.

The confluence of everything she was going through was getting to her. It was obvious she was not handling it well when she began snipping at me over minor things. I was snoring too loud, even though both bedroom doors were closed. The house smelled from my cooking both at breakfast and when she got home at night. Once I gave her the agreement and decided that I no longer cared about her or what she did I was civil with her. I treated her with respect and without hostility, the same as I would have treated any other person. Once she began snipping at me and finding too much fault with our living arrangement, I began rethinking the arrangement. That's when I began suggesting a conclusion to our marriage whenever she brought up a complaint about anything. She had a choice, and I was suggesting she take it.

Finally, one morning over our two breakfasts she broke and said; "I think it is time we break off completely. I have no life. I have no husband. I have no boyfriend. All I do is work to pay my half of the house. It wasn't supposed to be this way. You seem to be content with your life. You are always so calm. You are always planning some activity. You have a life. I think you even have a girlfriend. I don't know how serious it is, but I think it is everything I threw away.

I think it is time we tell our families what is going on. I know you won't take any blame for what I did. I'll have to accept that. You tried to tell me I was in a bad place on a bad path. I felt that giving of myself was the ultimate sacrifice and satisfaction a person could pursue, even at the expense of my marriage. Now, I understand that charity should begin at home first and foremost. I need a life, and seeing you every day is not helping me.

"If we divorce," I said, "Half of the house and what monies we had when we first sat down will give you some relief if you use it wisely. I will help to make sure your money is put to good use."

"I Appreciate that,"Alice said. "I probably don't deserve your help, even if it is only my money. I am so sorry, that I am so stupid. I am so sorry what I had done to you. I am so sorry for what this will do to our kids and both parents. Even though you have been good to me throughout, what do I have to look forward to. Everyone is going to hate me. Will this mean I lose OUR kids and maybe yours if not my parents."

"So far I have not said anything. Since everyone is so involved with their own lives, no one needs to know the particulars. Unless you tell them or try to blame me, I won't say anything.

Alice looked at me with a hint of appreciation for what she was about to lose. I helped Alice through the divorce process since most of our split was already defined. Rather than have her spend extra money on another lawyer, I tried to be fair with what we agreed on.

"So?" I asked, do you ever see Peter? Do you think there is a chance you will get together again?"

"No, you were right from the beginning. I am so sorry I did what I did behind your back. It was the wrong thing to do and in the back of my mind, I knew it. He was playing me. All he wanted was to bed me and take the money I gave him. Once you cut off the money, It lowered his enthusiasm for me. When I had to work overtime and then a second job, there was little sex. If I didn't have your money to spend on him and I was too tired for enthusiastic sex, what did he need me for!"

"I feel sorry for you. You now have to live in the bed you made. It is going to be an uncomfortable one, but it was your choice."

"Can't you see your way to forgiving me?"

"Sorry, but the hurt is too deep. Additionally, I could never trust you again. I won't live without trust. You gave yourself to another man behind my back, after all our years together. You knew my view on adultery and cheating. It was the same view you espoused that cheating of any kind was not acceptable."

Alice looked at me through her tears and said, "but I am your wife. We are supposed to forgive each other's faults. Everyone makes mistakes. Why can't you forgive me for my mistake?"

"You didn't make a mistake. You were deliberate in what you did. Even when I confronted you, you chose him. That is not a mistake. You'll have to get used to living alone, or finding another man you want to be with. I've already found one of two women I can see a long term future with. One is a widow, the other is a divorcee. The divorcee has been single for the past 5 years. Her husband cheated on her."

"So you are throwing me out the door? Where will I go? What will I do? I am totally lost. I can't see life without you," Alice said crying in tears."

"You are lucky, that as much as you have hurt me, I won't abandon you. We won't be married or live together, but I will be there for you, when you need me. That is, as long as you don't blame me. Once we sell the house, you'll have enough money to buy into a condo or co-op. You earn enough in your day job to cover most of your needs. You'll learn to manage."

My last conversation with Alice was heartbreaking. The was no alternative. I would help her learn to manage on her own. I didn't want her to fail.

While all this shit was going on between Alice and me, I was seeing two other woman. Dorothy was the one that had the most impact on me. Her approach to my soon-to-be ex wife was to think of her as a child that made a bad mistake and would need future help, just like our children needed until they went on their own.

Two years later the situation stabilized. Alice was living on her own. All our children, parents and in-laws knew that we separated. The divorce processed as anticipated. Both Alice and I maintained good relations. Dorothy ensured that. Our parents and in-laws begrudgingly accepted the new reality, as did our kids. The kids were disappointed that we didn't stay together. As mush as they wanted to know the particulars, we said nothing.

Alice began dating about a year after the divorce was finalized. Dorothy and I married a year after that. Her date looked like a good guy. We double dated several times. She even had him over for family functions. All in all, it is disappointing that we didn't stay together, but our new normal is not that bad, and maybe it was just our fate.