More Tales from the Guilds Ch. 05

"Bein' as they've just completed the Lord Rodley Memorial Marine Lab over there t'improve the local oysters and lobsters, it'd be a perfect match. Th'cuisine there is takin' a hit to its reputation what with Agatean becomin' so popular lately. I think that's a capital idea. We'll keep the lads here until they're ready t'enroll in graduate studies, then send 'em off home to improve the national provender. See to it, wouldjer?"

*****

It was, of course, nowhere near as simple as the Archchancellor imagined. Sending Professor Collabone to Genua had been a simple procedure, largely due to the very laid back atmosphere of that city state and its government, i.e. Queen Ella Saturday.

Lady Daphne, on the other hand, has a very firm belief that as Duchess, she should be 'in charge' and that any decisions regarding the State should be made by her! She had heard that someone, somewhere said "L'etat c'est moi" and nodded approvingly. Hence, the proposal to send a bidirectional Omniscope to Quirm required much scrutiny and considerable diplomacy.

"It is," the Patrician mused over his mid-morning tea, "simply a matter of convincing Lady Daphne that Quirm benefits more from the idea than we do. It will, naturally, not be true but, as ever, in statecraft perception is reality. And we both, she and I, are in favor of keeping the Woodbead's content. Having so formidable a family of Assassins at a ruler's beck and call is all to our benefit. If nothing else, it is far more cost effective than a maintaining a standing army."

Lady Margolotta smiled pleasantly, (that is to say she kept her canines concealed) "Havelock, mine dear, she did issue ein patent of nobility to Sir Baldor. Surely she is thinking along zer same lines. Zer should be no more zan zer usual specious show of indignation, zer insistence on major concessions before zer treaty is signed. Zer Quirm economy is thriving so zer is a good possibility she might even share zer costs."

"Which will, in any case, not be great. All the boys need is a small structure to keep the shard in with bookshelves and filing cabinets—at least initially. In time I foresee a more substantial edifice, possibly even with its own experimental groves and vineyards but that is years away. They are, after all, only fourteen."

"Und zo far have managed to avoid most of zer scamp-ish behavior zo common to males of zat age. It vill be interesting to vatch this develop."

*****

Time, having nothing else pressing, passed. Wolfe and Consideration found the tutorials with Modo, the University Gardening Dwarf, surprisingly interesting. The short person's encyclopedic knowledge of the process of composting was especially fascinating so the boys made an 'experimental' heap in one corner of the kitchen garden.

"He says" Connie declared one frosty morning, "that heat builds up inside and sort of cooks the vegetation into a combination of fertilizer and soil amendment that you then either turn into the soil or spread over the top."

"Yup," Wolfe responded, "but he also said that you don't want too much heat because they have been known to catch fire."

"Yeah, and we don't want that. However, the heap isn't very big and it's cold today. Do you think we could speed the process up by giving it just a little bit more?"

"I don't know why not. What could go wrong?"

Suddenly a cold gust of wind blew the boys' top hats off and sent their coattails fluttering. Eldritch sparks of light flickered around the top of the little heap.

"Uh, isn't that one of those questions we're not supposed to ask? Cousin Ponder was emphatic that some things are never to be said around UU."

Wolfe retrieved his hat and dusted it off, carefully examining the interior for any signs of unwanted imps. He did the same with Connie's and handed it to his friend.

"You know, I think you could be right. It's right up there with 'Hold my ale and watch this', isn't it? Maybe we ought to just listen to the heap and see if it wants or needs anything. It could be perfectly happy the way it is."

Retrieving one of Modo's low (of course) garden benches, he dusted it off and the boys sat down and focused their attention on the little heap. It wasn't the same kind of concentration they used when candle lighting; it was more receptive than projecting. And it was harder. They sat motionless for quite some time until finally they looked at each other quizzically.

"All it wants is more comfrey?"

"I think so. Let's bury in a fork-full and let it digest it in peace. You know, I wonder how much trouble we just stayed out of."

*****

With the start of Summer Two, all the students returned home for Holiday. Wolfe happily put the school uniform away and returned to his tweeds. Happily each day after breakfast, he strolled down the length of the rows of vines attempting to radiate well-being and suggesting to the plants that they turn their bunches of grapes sunward and retrack their leaves so as not to shade the fruit.

As time passed, it seemed that his efforts were working and, come August and the crush, the juice was exceptionally dark, rich and red. Once fermentation was complete, Baldor thrust a thief down into one of the aging barrels and drew out a sample. Pouring it into a glass he swirled it around and held it up to the candlelight.

Pursing his lips together, he inhaled a long drawn out whistle. "Wolfe, I believe you are onto something. Just look at the legs on this—and that color? I think we may have here a vintage that will take a good twenty years to reach its peak."

He waved his hand over the glass, pulling the bouquet towards his nose. Then he stuck his nose into the glass and inhaled. He took a sip and sloshed it around his tongue and teeth. Spitting it out, he nodded.

"Yes, at least fifteen years to maturity and probably twenty. This will have to go to the futures market or possibly to auction. We'll invite a few of our most select customers for a tasting and bidding. The prices will be—correct!"

They were! All the nobility of the Stowe Plains, a few of the most successful merchant princes from Ankh-Morpork and representatives from outlying kingdoms stood around swirling, tasting, sniffing and hobnobbing in preparation for the evening's bidding. On the outskirts of the throng, Willikins and Drumknott compared notes.

"I'm surprised to find you here, Mr. Willikins," the Patrician's clerk remarked, "since it well-known that the Commander doesn't drink alcohol these days."

The butler inclined his head slightly in agreement. "That is the case. Sir Samuel now restricts his vices to imported cigars but Lady Sybil enjoys entertaining and the guests are not so inhibited. Naturally it would never do to provide anything less than the best. Are you here for His Lordship or on behalf of the Lady Margolotta?"

Drumknott paused before answering, then shrugged a bit. "It is hardly possible to answer that as an either/or. His Lordship never touches alcohol himself unless the Lady Margolotta is present but he approves of other people drinking. So you might say that I am acting on a duel commission."

He looked down at his notes. "I have been tasked to make sure that I obtain for their use a minimum of a pipe. Fortunately the cellars of the Palace are capacious. However, from the hints the Archchancellor has been making, this vintage is not simply an accident of nature. This may become an annual event."

"Quite so. Young Master Wolfe is rumored to have regarded being sent to Unseen as a bit of an affront, coming as he does from a family of distinguished Assassins. However, upon discovering the category of Hedge Wizard within the professional ranks, he has thrown himself into his studies with enthusiasm. Apparently this year's vintage is a direct result of his lightly applied research."

"I had heard the same. His Lordship has already tasked the Royal Bank with calculating proper excise taxes."

*****

"I don't quite understand," Unity said, "how a newly pressed vintage that will take twenty years to mature can be drunk now."

"TIME IS THE SIMPLEST THING, FROM OUR STANDPOINT. ISN'T IT, SUSAN?"

"Well," Death's granddaughter replied with a glass in one hand and her other arm through her lover's elbow, "it does help to have Time on our side."