More Tales From the Guilds Ch. 17

It was after midnight and the halls of Unseen University were dark. At this hour all the candle sconces had long since burned down and gone out. This was of no importance, of course, as the entire faculty, student body and support staff were all snoring soundly. It would be several hours before even the kitchen crew would arise and begin the days labor of feeding the considerable appetites that kept Unseen working as the Disc's first line of defense against the tentacled menaces from the Dungeon Dimensions. However, not all visitors from other realms were of the eldritch nature and tonight one in particular was happily gliding down the corridors humming to herself and looking for one particular door.

"Ah, here he is," Petulia goddess of Negotiable Affection chuckled to herself, "Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography, Professor Rincewind himself. And, to be totally correct about such things, the object of Madame Lotus Blossom's (also known as the Dragon Lady) attraction."

As the goddess of the Disc's "Seamstresses", Petulia was quite familiar with the maxim that Love is Blind. However, though she found the concept charming, she much preferred that love be profitable--most of the time. In the case of Rincewind and Lotus Blossom, though, things were a little different. As a faculty member of Unseen University, Rincewind had minimal access to cash and little need for any. As the owner of one of Ankh-Morpork's most popular restaurants (and head of the People's Beneficent Republic of Agatea's AM Intelligence cell) Lotus Blossom has ample cash and no need to negotiate for her affections. Thus any canoodling that might be arranged between the two was purely for entertainment--Petulia's!

She opened the door with a gesture and ghosted inside. The considerable efforts of the housekeeping staff managed to keep modest apartment presentable but it was still obvious that a not-very-fastidious bachelor lived there. On the other hand, given that Rincewind had once happily resided in a storeroom of the Library while acting as the Librarian's dogsbody, his current abode was rather an upgrade. At least, Petulia mused, it was unlikely that he would be bringing Lotus Blossom here for an evening's 'entertainment' so the place's appearance meant little to anyone but the Wizzard himself. What meant something to the Goddess of Negotiable Affection was that the Dragon Lady's desires should stop being unrequited. Rincewind was going to have to learn to appreciate the advantages of belonging to a species divided into two sexes.

This presented problems of their own. Rincewind's libido had somehow been hijacked by his appetite and encounters with amorous possibilities always seemed to send him in the direction of steaming mounds of well-buttered mashed potatoes. The University Council had sent him to therapy for it and even proscribed light dosages of dried frog pills, but their efforts were always stymied by the professor's readily admitted cowardice. It's hard to convince a man to try new things who is firmly convinced that the Multiverse is spitefully out to get him.

Challenges, though, were not to be put off, in Petulia's opinion. After all, she had successfully made a regular customer of the university's Vice Chancellor, Ponder Stibbons. This has been mentally beneficial to the Vice Chancellor and financially beneficial to Rosie Palm and her 'Seamstresses'. Enlivening the relationship between Rincewind and Lotus Blossom would require work but Petulia was just the goddess for the job. Straightening her back and clapping shapely hands together, she marched into Rincewind's bed chamber.

*****

The skies over Quirm darkened and began to drench the vineyards and orchards with enough water to set off another of the river Quire's notorious flash floods. Anyone viewing such (preferably from the top of a hill) came quickly to understand how the river had come to be known as Old Treachery. Work on the steam paddle wheeler came to a halt as the shipyard battened down and any thoughts Young Sam and Lethality Wiggs may have had about more swimming practice were quickly abandoned. This bothered the young Marquise not a whit because Ramkin Hall had a very extensive library where he curled up with a small pile of books. His self-proclaimed young fiancée was less amused.

Li sat in her room, staring out the bay window, her face in a unattractive scowl. She was going to marry Sammy. That was not a desire so much as a declaration of fact. Her parents approved. Sammy's parents approved. Fatis est! Whether or not Sammy approved was beside the point. He was a mere boy. What could he know? In any event it was her patriotic duty. The Vimes-Ramkin family was the richest and most prominent in the city and the line needed to carry on. Since Sammy was the only heir, he was going to need help and she was just the one to give it. Except--no one would tell her how to go about it. She could hardly ask either her father or Sir Samuel, they would just hem, haw and look embarrassed. Her mother out front refused to give her the slightest hint, based on the fact that the young Marquise of Quire was still a child and more interested in his pets and his flying carpet than any physical attachment to Li. Her time would come, she had been assured, but it wasn't now. She had managed to get him to admit that she was pretty and that she was a 'good chum' but this seemed hardly a good start to Romance and canoodling--whatever that might be. Her mother suggested that she should start showing interest in whatever interested him and she had. They both now owned carpets, Kh'olli dogs and swamp dragons but this had not had the desired effect of him pulling her onto his lap and beginning to--what? Whatever canoodling was, it hadn't happened yet. Lethality Wiggs was frustrated. And being only twelve, she had taken it out on Sammy, treating him to a gigantic pout, tears and blame. The morning had not gone well.

*****

In Dunmanifestin, home of the Gods atop Cor Celesti, Astoria sat down to look over the game board. To the gods it was a game board. To the inhabitants of the Disc, it was home. In her role as the Ephebian Goddess of Love, Astoria was a key player. After all, she was responsible for making sure there were more figures on the board for the gods to play with. Today she noticed a very small dark cloud centering over a very large house in Quirm. It was Lethality's.

For a reason known only to her, the goddess was intrigued and took a closer look. Hmmm, a girl in the early throws of puberty and very seriously boy-crazy. Astoria approved. Boy-crazy girls grew into marriageable young women who fell in love, got married and eventually had babies. That was the proper order of things. This girl, though, was crazy about only one boy and she was already trying to order things so that he married her. Astoria approved of that, too. There was no sense leaving males in charge of pairing up. They were notoriously bad at it. Still, the child was getting a bit ahead of herself so hopefully there were calmer heads around to keep a lid on things, so to speak. Perhaps a bit of intervention was in order. She looked around, hoping to find a calmer head and to her delight happened upon Willikins going about his butlering duties. Just the man! Giving the man a slight, divine nudge, she watched him knock on Young Sam's door to find the boy curled up next to his dog, his dragon and a pile of books. Unfortunately, the lad looked mildly distraught.

"Is something amiss, Master Sam?"

"I think Li must be mad at me and I don't know why. I haven't been mean to her or anything but she acts like somehow it's all my fault. Willikins, she's my best friend and I hate it when she gets like this. Is there anything I can do?"

The butler looked benevolently down at the heir. "Master Samuel, the two of you have reached a difficult stage in your lives. You are aware that she intends to marry you when you graduate from Unseen?"

"Well, she said she wanted to and both her parents and Mother and Father seem to think it's a good idea but why would that make her start getting awful with me?"

"Master Samuel, I said you are at a difficult stage in life. At this point girls begin to get romantic notions but we men still have a few years to go before we catch up with them. I suspect that it might heal things over if you took her hand on the way to dinner tonight? It would be a pleasant surprise for her and would improve her mood significantly."

Young Sam was shocked.

"She wants me to hold hands with her?"

"She probably wants more than that though I doubt that she is quite sure what. Holding hands and maybe even a good night kiss on the cheek should soothe her while getting neither mother concerned about you being 'forward'."

"Forward?"

"That's a discussion for you to have with your father but one that can wait a while longer, I imagine. But right now the question is how to brighten Miss Lethality's mood and I think holding hands is a good beginning."

Sammy thought about that. What could it hurt? If it made Li feel better, it would be worth it.

"Okay."

*****

Rosie Palm sipped the exceptional cup of tea Lotus Blossom had poured for her. Truly exceptional! Mrs. Palm was going to have to determine the source and make sure that a stock was laid up in her House. It had turned a puzzle into a pleasure. When she received the invitation to join the proprietor of one of Ankh-Morpork's most prominent and expensive restaurants for a conversation, she had been perplexed but it never did for one member of the city's movers and shakers to go out of their way to offend another so she had arrived at the appointed time. Lotus Blossom had escorted her up to her private quarters and made the tea while chatting about nothing in particular.

Rosie smacked her lips appreciatively and held the cup out for a refill and enquired, "To what do I owe this pleasure, Madame Lotus Blossom?"

Refilling both their cups, the woman known surreptitiously as the Dragon Lady sat back with a sigh.

"Mrs. Palm, I wish to draw upon your professional expertise. Ever since I was a girl I have been enamored of a wizard. This is, I guess, either bad luck or bad judgement on my part given the wizardly bent towards masculine company and big meals. But it has come to my attention that despite centuries of tradition of celibacy, there seems to be the beginning of a trend in the other direction. The Vice Chancellor has even taken to patronizing your well-regarded House. How did this come about?"

Rosie took another appreciative sip and nodded.

"That he has, and my ladies are very happy to see him. However, as to how it came about? Well, we got word one afternoon from Petulia, our goddess, that he would be arriving just about dinner time. She had decided that the poor man was under too much stress and in need of relaxation and calming. Essentially, he was sent to us under some sort of implied threat. Petulia is a very popular goddess and that gives her great power. It doesn't do to disobey.

More to your point, though, in addition to the Vice Chancellor, the Chair of Experimental Serendipity had also taken to stopping by occasionally. What brought him to us remains a mystery but what keeps him coming back is carefully dosed cocktails. A witch in Ohulan Cuttash brews up what she labels Tiger Oil. Normally it's for those who because of age, familiarity or stress are not up the standards their wives prefer. It does wonders."

"And you just slip it into his drink?"

"Whichever young lady decides to take him down the hall does just that. I'm not sure that he has made the connection yet but he now hangs his hat on the wall himself, accepts the cocktail form his 'date', allows her to settle down on his lap and sips until the Oil takes effect. Then he scoops her up in his arms and rushes down to her room with her shrieking happily."

Lotus Blossom raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips reflecting.

"And you keep this--Tiger Oil on hand?"

"Absolutely. It's a professional necessity, especially for our more senior clients. Hilta Goatfounder does a brisk trade in the stuff, enough so that she's usually back-ordered for several months. However, that should be no obstacle to you. I assume that you only plan on using it on one wizard?"

"That's correct. And he only comes to visit a couple of times a month escorted by a pair of Chrysoprase's hench trolls to keep him safe."

Rosie kept a carefully straight face. Lotus Blossom was in love with Rincewind? Of all the--odd possibilities. Still, it was said that love is blind so even for one to whom love is profitable, she wasn't about to judge.

"Then you will only need a small bottle. The stuff is very strong and only requires a partial dessert spoon to take effect. Tell you what. If you will provide me with a box of this excellent tea, I'll have a bottle packed up carefully and sent to you via Royal Mail. You should have it tomorrow. Would that be satisfactory?"

Lotus Blossom's eyes narrowed in expectation and a leer spread across her shapely features. She turned and pulled a bell and when the maid responded said, "Two Cherries, go get a fresh box of this tea from storage and give it to Mrs. Palm. A new era in women's commercial operations is dawning."

*****

Two days later, Rincewind lay curled up beneath his bed with his eyes wide in shock. He had always been a man who believed that whenever something good happened to him, it was just a set up for something dreadful. And after this day's visit to the Counterweight Palace he had no doubt that he was utterly doomed. Only the end of his world could balance the wonders of his recent visit to Lotus Blossom.

It had all begun normally enough. The Vice Chancellor had rather pointedly escorted the Wizzard to the front gate and handed him over to Megalith and Outcrop. They, in turn, knuckled him over to the Counterweight Palace and released him to the very pleasant company of the proprietress. It was after she had tugged his sleeve and pulled him into her private quarters that things got very, very strange. He had settled into his normal chair expecting their normal chatty afternoon when Lotus Blossom had handed him, not a cup of tea, but a pleasant-looking little cocktail with tiny pink umbrella. Rincewind had taken a sip. It was very pleasant and he took another. It was after the third sip that unfamiliar desires and urges flowed out of his stomach to his loins. Lotus Blossom had smiled conspiratorially and let the shoulder of her gown slide down her arm. The sight of the bare, golden flesh had set off a bomb in Rincewind's brain making him leap to his feet and scoop her up in his arms. She had grabbed him by both ears and planted a voracious wet kiss on his mouth. The rest of the afternoon had passed in an exhausting, wonderful blur until he staggered back out the front door to where his escort was waiting to take him home.

The poor Wizzard was so shocked and exhausted that Outcrop had had to carry him back to Unseen. Then he staggered to his quarters and scurried under the bed to lie there quivering. So much wonder could only lead up to catastrophe, he was sure. It had been even better than a large plate of mash potatoes!

*****

Dinner had been announced and the Vines-Ramkins and the Wiggs were making a leisurely way to the dining hall. Young Lethality was still scowling when Young Sam reached down and took her hand. Her eyes opened wide. Sammy was holding hands with her! This--this might lead to something else. Exactly what it might lead to was still a mystery but at least it might lead to something and that was definitely A Good Thing. She squeezed back and leaned against him, her foul mood completely dissipated. The rest of her life was going to be wonderful, she was sure, and in that happy glow she glided towards dinner.

For his part, Sam was slightly befuddled. Just as Willikins had suggested, he had taken Lethality by the hand on the way to eat and now she was transformed. A previously sullen face had been replaced by elation and now she was leaning on him. It felt rather good, he had to admit to himself. If that's all it took to get her over her grumps, this was obviously something to keep in mind for future reference. Who knew how easy it was to make a girl happy? Willikins obviously. Now he understood why his father held the man in such high esteem. A good valet was doubtless something to be valued. He hoped Amos learned to be as good.

*****

Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of Unseen University, regarded the pile of reports in front of him. Paperwork in general he much preferred to leave to others, like Ponder Stibbons. But these reports weren't about dreary University business, they were quarterly reports from the Ridcully estates, deep in the Lancre countryside. That made them interesting. His nephew, Mostin, was a very capable manager and the reports were always a delight to read, especially since they nearly always ended with increased profits. Of course, the chap had been handed a going concern when he arrived. Ridcully had left Unseen as a 7th level mage at the unheard of age of twenty-seven to take over the family estates on his father's death. His forty-year stewardship had been very successful so that when Unseen had called him back to take over the position of Archchancellor, all young Mostin had had to do was maintain things as they were.

He had done better than that. As is the custom among the landed gentry, one son (Mustrum) inherited the estates and his younger brother, Hughnon, had been shunted off to the professions, in this case, the Church. But wizards by custom don't marry and have children so keeping the estate in the family's hands had been the responsibility of the younger brother, the one usually referred to as the 'the spare'. Hughnon had fulfilled his duties admirably, producing Mostin, his younger brother Dunston and a pair of sisters. The senior Lady Ridcully was a very contented grandmother though she would prefer to hear from her eldest more often.

And now that the Ankh-Morpork and Sto Plains Hygienic Railway connected to Lancre, carrying lumber and stone to the Big Wahoonie and tourists to the scenic delights of Lancre City, she could. She had even, on two occasions, come for a visit. The visits were short. Lady Ridcully, like her eldest son, much preferred the rural life and found the city noisy, smelly and unhygienic.

So the quarterly reports of the various harvests always put the Archchancellor in an excellent humor and made him reach for his rod and book of flies. He would then take them through his private Door to the mile of untouched chalk stream that lay somewhen else in the Multiverse. He wasn't sure if there was any official proprietor for the beat but since he never saw anyone else while angling, he could only presume that it was his by default. That was just the way he liked it.

Returning with a brace of fat trout to take to the kitchen for his Interluncheon morsel, he left his quarters and almost ran over his Vice Chancellor, Ponder Stibbons.

"Sorry 'bout that, Stibbons. What brings y' here at this hour instead of t' the dining hall?"

"Oh, I'm going to the hall momentarily, Archchancellor, but something has come up. It's about the Loko Scrolls."

Ridcully stared at his Vice Chancellor then looked down at the trout and then back to Stibbons.

"But it can wait until after lunch, Archchancellor. I just wanted to give you a heads up."

"Does it require a closed door or c'n we discuss it over the meal?"

"I'd rather talk about it in your office, sir. It isn't urgent but I suspect that it would be better kept confidential, at least for the present."

*****

A hearty lunch later, the Archchancellor and his Vice settled down in front of the fire in Ridcully's chambers, opened a bottle of Quirmian brandy and lit their pipes.