More Than Thirty Miles Home

"No."

"Damn it, Melissa! Get your ass over here - NOW. With the money. Or I'll confess to the branch manager how you seduced me but now I have to come clean and admit how foolish I was."

That did it! That did it! I glanced up and saw that Dave was as enraged as I was.

"Well, Matt, the joke is on you. I'm on speaker and my husband is right here."

Dave broke in and said, in a tone mimicking a Doberman's throat-ripping growl, "You threaten my wife again, you bastard, and what is left of your life will be lived in agony."

I snarled into the phone, "Anything he doesn't already know, I am going to tell him. I know that your marriage is toast, and so are most of the other marriages of the women you duped. But I'm different. I'm very different. You see, my husband still has some fragment of love left for me and I'm getting an undeserved second chance. Part of the deal is, however, if I ever see you again, I rip off your cock and shove it so far up your ass that it sticks out of your mouth! Fuck off and die, Matt!" I terminated the call with a savage push on the button.

I took some deep, satisfied breaths. But then the enormity of the realization struck me. Suddenly I could barely breathe. I stumbled to my feet and nearly staggered into the little bathroom and collapsed against the wall on the cracked tile floor under the grubby window between the elderly toilet and the slightly discolored tub.

I had finally seen the REAL Matt; HEARD the REAL Matt. The nice guy. The friend. The paramour. The, the, fuck buddy I had willingly let screw me for FOUR STINKING YEARS! Was a total and complete BASTARD. A predator's predator. A Lech. He didn't care one jot for ME; I was just a fool he could get off on. I was totally miserable. If I'd had a knife, I probably would have carved out my own heart right then and there.

Dave walked quietly into the room, picked me up, grunted as a sat down where I had been, and cradled me on his lap, his arms wrapped around my uncontrollably sobbing form. He tucked my head under his chin - and just held me.

Finally I had no more tears to cry - and no more snot to run down my face - and I managed to gasp out, "The bastard used me! The bastard USED me!" Dave just kept holding me as if he would do so all night, if necessary. Then I caught my breath. "No. No. I LET him use me. I let him USE me, didn't I, Dave?"

I felt him nod slowly, his chin tilting my head. "Yes, but not anymore, sweetheart. That is well and truly over. You stood up to him."

"Better late than never, right?" I gasped out with a little forlorn laugh.

"You got that right."

We sat there for a couple of more minutes and finally I asked, meekly, "I'm forgiven for being really, really stupid, right?"

My Dave kissed the top of my head. "You are forgiven."

"Let me clean up a little. We have some more talking to do, right?"

"Yes."

He let me up. I wanted to kiss him, but with a face covered with tears and snot didn't seem like a good idea so I scrubbed my face and went back out into the room. Mark and Bethany must have seen and heard the whole thing, but neither ventured a remark or anything other a neutral look.

"What's next on the agenda, Dave?"

"How many times were you with Matt, sexually?" Dave asked.

I froze and I suddenly found a stain on the carpet in front of my chair extremely interesting. I struggled to find the words....

Then Dave said, gently, "Melissa, I already have a fairly good idea, and I have already forgiven you. Doctor Bent and Father Carson both think it is important for you to say it, own it - and be able to move past it. It will be okay."

Still looking at the stain, I managed to say, "A couple of times a month," though it was really more like a loud whisper.

"For how long?" Dave prompted, and I realized this was said gently also. I risked looking up at him. He wasn't smiling; but he wasn't enraged either.

I still grimaced when I forced myself to say, "Four years."

Dave nodded. "That's pretty much what Ellen pieced together. So it was about a hundred times? Twenty-four times per year for four years? Ninety-six rounded to a hundred?"

I nodded back, relieved that he didn't seem to be blowing any gaskets.

That earned me a slightly sardonic smile. "I admit I was pretty - enraged - when I heard that, but Doctor Bent told me that it was proof you were not in love with him, just caught up in habit or completely hoodwinked or just didn't know how to stop. According to the good doctor, if you were head over heels in love with him, you would have left us and run away with him or filed for divorce and moved in with him a long time ago. Sometimes a cheater will stay with a marriage until the youngest is out of the house. But Andy is six; that would mean twelve years. With the four before that would be sixteen years. That isn't a torrid affair. That isn't a second husband. According to the doctor, that is either a 'something on the side' followed by habit... or blackmail." Dave looked at me. His look was neutral. "He didn't use drugs or blackmail on you, did he?"

I swallowed hard. "No. No, I was seduced. I fell for it; hook, line and sinker. And your doctor has me pegged without even meeting me." I sensed rather than saw that Bethany nodded to Dave. Dave's body language relaxed.

"It would have been worse for you if I had been forced?"

Dave nodded. "I know that might not make sense, but you being fooled is bad; you being drugged and blackmailed and forced to do what you did for FOUR YEARS would be worse. That's because I would beat the son-of-a-bitch half to death and then kick your ass all the way around the block for not trusting me, your husband, enough to come to me and let us work this out together before it went anywhere near this far. And it would be harder to reconcile if I am in jail."

I had a lump in my throat and wanted nothing more than to go and kiss him, but part of me knew it still wasn't the right time - yet.

"So," Dave continued, "Before Matt came into our relationship, we were making love twice a week. Over the last four years that has dwindled away to maybe once a month, and that is mechanical rather than loving. I want, going forward, to be back at the twice per week with a firm agreement that we will BOTH work to make it fun and interesting and loving, and NOT boring, or routine or mechanical." I found myself nodding. "And," he added, "Over the next four years I want an additional twice a month, to get back what that bastard, Matt, stole from me. That works out to ten times per month rather than eight. I think that is fair. To be renegotiated in good faith after four years." Dave took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Agreed?"

I nodded and then said, "Agreed." Then I ventured, "But I think that it should start AFTER we get back from our cruise." I offered up a slight smile, because I couldn't help it. Dave raised an eyebrow. "Because I think that BOTH of us expect that I will need to do some serious ass-kissing on this anniversary make-up cruise. That shouldn't count for the - ongoing - agreement."

The old Dave finally, really, smiled back at me; the wonderful, hug-you-without-arms, smile I had fallen in love with more than fifteen years ago.

"I would have to be seriously crazy to NOT agree to that."

I looked down again. "Part of me was worried - that you would - want - revenge sex - with someone."

I heard him snort. "No way. You are the only one I want. I just want you ALL back, and ALL in our relationship."

I heard Mark busily writing.

"Are there any other mandatory things?"

Dave nodded. "Mark, please give Melissa some paper and a pen." Mark passed them to me without glancing up. I took them a bit uncertainly. "What are these for?"

"I want you to write down everything that you did with Matt that we haven't done together."

Suddenly I felt scared again. Some of the - things - Matt had convinced me to - try! And a couple I had timidly suggested...! What would Dave think of me? Would Option 3 be revoked?

My thoughts must have banner-headlined clearly across my face, because Dave said, gently, "Melissa."

I looked at him. His face was actually kind, not angry.

"I have already forgiven you for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you've done in the past four years. Don't panic; don't worry."

"Why do you want to know this?"

"Two reasons. The first is that I want you to write down everything that you did with him that we haven't done - and then put a star next to any one that you enjoyed. I solemnly promise you that WHATEVER they are, I will make a good faith attempt to make them part of OUR love life. No questions asked, no judgments made." He shrugged; not quite embarrassed. "The second is, I admit, male ego. Part of me doesn't want any other man to be able to say that he did something with MY wife that I haven't done with her. So I am sincerely requesting that anything on that list which you DON'T put a star next to, that you put up with it just one more time to humor me."

I looked at him. Bethany nodded. That was the truth and the whole truth. I bent down and started thinking and writing.

Mark, and Bethany, and, most importantly, Dave, sat patiently as I thought and wrote. I wrote down eight items, glanced at Bethany, wrote down a ninth, glanced at Bethany's totally neutral expression yet again, and wrote down a tenth. Then I very carefully put down four stars, glanced at Bethany and Dave, and put down a fifth star. I held up the paper and looked at Bethany as I said, "Here is the list of everything that Matt and I did that Dave and I haven't done, with a star by each one that I enjoyed - and would really like to keep doing with my husband."

Bethany inspected my face closely, then turned to Dave and nodded. I handed him the paper. I expected him to look at it right away, but he folded it and tucked it away.

"You aren't going to read it?"

He shook his head with a little smile. "My intent isn't to embarrass you in front of anyone," and he nodded to Mark and Bethany. "This is for later; we'll have to do SOME talking on our anniversary make-up cruise."

I felt relief and gratitude. And, I have to admit, some anticipation.

There was a knock at the room door and I jumped. For a moment I was worried an incensed Matt was going to come storming back into my life, but Dave got up and answered the door. I heard some talking and he came back a few minutes later with some boxes and a couple of six packs of local craft beer, the bottles beaded with condensation. He handed me a box and winked. It was my favorite personal pizza. "You know, Dave, I think I forgot how thoughtful you are - or took it for granted."

"I am human, so there were likely sometimes I took you for granted. I don't want to make those mistakes again. Either of us."

He gave Mark and Bethany their boxes and beer, and sat back down with his own. He took a DEEP breath, and as he ate he talked to my heart.

"If I want honesty from you, I need to be honest. And I had LONG talks with the doctor and got taken through the stages of 'grief'. You cheated; I didn't. But you shouldn't get 100% of the blame. Not that I am saying that it was easy for Matt to seduce you, but if I had not let LIFE get between us on a lot of occasions I can think of, it probably would at least have been harder. So I kind of worked my way around to a 90%/10% split. You are the 90%, by the way."

I couldn't laugh with a mouthful of pizza, but I did manage a chuckle. After I swallowed, I managed to say, "That seems fair too, very fair, more than fair. Now that I look back on it, and I'll have to do it again with a counsellor, I should have seen it. If it had happened all together in a week or two, it would have been so obvious. Even I would have picked up on him and told him to shove off. But it happened over the course of nearly two years. He only blew through my branch every week or two, but he always found an excuse to stop by my desk, with a personal comment, a little present, a compliment. He was so DAMNED patient! If we had both been single, he would have been courting me, and I would have seen that, and been flattered, and probably wound up marrying him. And wound up exactly like Ellen, no doubt. But we were both married. We weren't supposed to be courting. Anything more than 'mutual interest'-type casual friends is NOT appropriate, but I let it grow past that without even realizing it. If there is a doctorate in 'Slick', I was probably his thesis."

Dave nodded. "I love you. It took a helluva pounding, but I still love you. And I love our family. And I love our life. And none of those are perfect, but they don't have to be perfect to be loved. AND I want to make it all even BETTER." He took a deep breath. "Doctor Bent deliberately got me really stoked up, downright enraged, then fired off a question at me, and I blurted out an answer. And I had to calm down and think about what I had said." He shrugged. "She asked if I thought I would be better off with you or without you. And I shot back, without even thinking about it, that I was better off with you - as long as I never had to feel that pain again." He wrestled some obviously still raw emotions back into submission and looked at me pointedly. "You have some serious work to do. We have some serious work to do. There are some serious trust issues. I will do my part, but the ball is going to be mostly in your court."

"You always bring home good pizza."

Dave laughed. Every laugh made my heart lighter.

"Do you have any 'mandatory' things, Melissa? Everything else I have on the agenda is a matter of negotiation."

I thought about it. "I'm not really in any position to insist on anything; but I was going to request that there be no revenge sex. You already took that off the table and it's written down, right, Mark?" Mark nodded. "And I know that is hypocritical of me, but I admit watching you go off to have - sex - with another woman, would kill me. I cannot imagine the pain you had to experience these last three weeks; but you are a GOOD man, and I don't think you would force that on even your worst enemy. Another reason I forgot that I fell in love with." I took a deep breath. "Other than that, I am completely open to working on building the trust back by whatever means necessary."

Dave nodded. "Now I think it is up to you, but you may want to get tested for STIs."

My mind nearly blanked - then exploded. I had never, ever thought about getting an STI. I had a faithful husband - I wouldn't get one from home. I had thought - Matt had led me to think - that he was an otherwise faithful husband with a faithful but boring wife. No risk at all. But the reality was DIFFERENT. Matt was banging SEVEN other women! What if even one of them wasn't just an otherwise faithful, bored wife? What if they had one - or more! - other lovers on the side? And the seven husbands! What if even one of them wasn't just a faithful but frustrated husband but had brought - something - home from his own frustration or boredom? Suddenly something I hadn't really consciously considered was now very real. I hadn't been having a 'harmless' fling; I could have been screwing half the whole damn world! I stared at Dave, suddenly stricken. "Oh, God, Dave! I didn't bring something home and get you...?"

He shook his head. "Don't panic. If I did have an STI this would likely be an entirely different conversation. Three weeks ago all eight husbands lined up and got tested. We were all clean - as of three weeks ago. And since none of us have had sex with our wives since, we are most likely still clean. And our wives are most likely clean, at least up to the last time they made love to their husbands. Doctor says it's still a good idea to get tested and be sure."

"What about our trip? It could take time to get the results back...."

Dave nodded. "Seven to ten days - but I'm willing to take the risk." Then he gave me his, 'Gosh, the kids actually went to bed early, tonight,' grin - and I knew everything would be alright.

"Now there is the matter of rebuilding trust. Reagan famously said, 'Trust - but verify.'"

"If you need me to wear an ankle bracelet, could I pick out a fashionable one?"

"I don't think we need ankle bracelets. But if you think that is a good idea, then we can talk about it. Remember trust goes both ways, and I have already honestly admitted to being tempted and you have already honestly admitted to being concerned about me and 'revenge sex'. Whatever we decide will apply to both of us."

"How about every morning we tell each other what the day will be like. If anything changes, we let each other know. When we get home we go over our days with each other."

Dave nodded. "No secrets on phones. We can look at each other's phones any time, text and call logs. And we each only have one phone."

"Agreed." Then I had an idea. "Dave, we both have Fit-Bits."

"Yes. Why?"

"Then we don't need ankle bracelets. The Fit-Bits monitor our heartbeats. I can look at yours and you can look at mine. If there is an elevated heart rate for ten or fifteen minutes when we are NOT exercising, there is some explaining to do. If we take off the Fit-Bit while cheating, then there is NO heart rate for a while, and that will need explaining."

"That's fair."

"I think that we should have a post-nuptial agreement."

"Post-nuptial?"

"Like a Pre-nup but for like now. Either of us caught cheating has to leave with nothing but the clothes on our backs and our car. I can't think of any temptation that would get me to risk that."

"But there has to be definite proof. Pictures or video. Or failing two out of three lie detector tests."

"Two out of three?"

"Well, they aren't perfect and I don't know anyone who wouldn't be a bit nervous taking one."

We looked at each other. Both of us wanted this to be over. Both of us wanted to be alone. So we both said, "Agreed," at exactly the same time.

Mark was writing franticly. Bethany looked at both of us and shrugged.

"I think we have an agreement, Melissa. And a lot to talk about on our cruise." He smiled. He smiled the great big Dave smile that he had when he hugged me when I came home from a trip. It was going to be okay, and I was relieved and happy - and thankful. There is a God, and he can be merciful. "Do you have any questions, Melissa?"

I nodded. "Yes. How did you, we, afford a South Seas Cruise?"

He shook his head. "That's not important."

"Yes it is. If I'm all the way back, then I have every right to know about the family finances, and if WE took out a loan, I am going to be sure that it isn't just you who will be working to pay it off. It's an US."

Dave sighed, looked a little nonplussed, but resolute. "You know my signed bat collection?"

"Do you mean all of those autographed baseball bats in the sealed tubes you have stored upstairs in the garage? The ones you have been collecting since you were nine years old?"

Dave nodded. "It turns out that at sports auction the collection was worth $27,500. It covered the $25,000 cost of the cruise."

I was stunned; and then did some fast mental arithmetic. "The $2500 in the glove compartment of my car. That was the money left over from the tickets?"

Dave nodded, His face was pinking up, like when he gets embarrassed. "That was our mad money for the trip. I always wanted to get you a real pearl necklace. If you hadn't chosen Option 3, I didn't care about the money."

"You did all that to sweep me off my feet to a dream vacation after I ignored you, us, for four years?!"

He nodded.

I thought of what I had done - the enormity of what I had done - compared to the simple love of a hard-working man who still wanted me and would swallow his pride to get me back. "Why would you want me back? After all I did?"

"I didn't want my pride to completely devastate two families."