More Than Thirty Miles Home

Annie divvied up the food and we said grace and started to eat.

"Okay, now I can answer questions. Some answers will upset you, I'm sure. Then we will go over my plan."

"Plan?"

"The plan to get you back into the family, of course. Whether you decide to stay or go back to Vegas, wouldn't you want not to be a pariah anymore?"

"My God, Annie? You think you can do that? How can you do that?"

Annie took a deep breath and plowed on. "You realize I am not a miracle worker, right? Nor a fairy godmother? I can't wave a magic wand and make the last four, or eight, years not to have happened. I can't undo anything. I can't make it like it was before, but if you are willing to go through the wringer, you might come out in a better place than you are now. Seeing your kids, visiting mom and dad, visiting me without needing to sneak into town, being invited to family events, exchanging cards and presents and hugs; something approaching normal."

"Annie, if you can do that I'll tell everyone you ARE a miracle worker."

"It will be the hardest thing you've ever done, Melissa. It will hurt. You'll be embarrassed like you won't believe. But by tomorrow night you can be in a much better place. But you have to trust me, and promise me you won't chicken out and run away again? Promise me you will trust me absolutely and follow my instructions to the letter. Can you do that?"

I heaved a deep breath. Even if she weren't my sister, the deadly serious sincerity in her eyes would have touched my heart. "I promise that I will trust you and do whatever you say."

"Okay. The family is going to be all together tomorrow at an event. You are going to attend, in disguise, and in the party afterwards I am going to take people aside and get them to you in private, one at a time, and you will apologize, swear to do better, and ask for their forgiveness and support. I've been quietly lobbying for you since you called more than two weeks ago; 'Do you ever wonder what happened to Melissa?', 'Wouldn't it be great to see Melissa again?', 'I hope Melissa is okay'."

I was really touched by all that effort, and said so. "Annie, no one ever had a better sister than you. Thank you." Then I ventured cautiously, "So, was there any consensus?"

"Well, most were over the embarrassment. Some were ashamed that they hadn't thought about you much in a while. Anyone who wasn't positive about it was at least neutral. So the best way is going to be to see them one at a time, easiest first. That would be dad. Then mom. Then your kids; oldest, Carl, first. Then Andy and Thomas. As each goes back to the party, the amount of goodwill you'll have will increase."

"Annie, when, when do I - confront - Dave?"

"He'll be toughest, so he'll be last. He'll be in a really great mood, and even if he gets - testy - you will have won everyone else over by then. He'll go along. You'll be back - home."

"Oh, Annie, I hope so! Why will Dave be in a great mood?"

She licked her lips nervously but looked me resolutely in the eye, and my ears heard her say, "Because he's getting married tomorrow."

I didn't hear anything, or see anything, heck, I wasn't even conscious for a few minutes. Annie gently slapping my cheeks and splashing some water on my face brought me back.

"Annie! Why did you...? Is this why you...? Oh, God, I wish I was dead!" That's when she slapped me HARD and I shut up and stared at her.

"Melissa, listen to yourself! You ran AWAY! You didn't even TRY to apologize or beg forgiveness, or, or anything! You just vanished - POOF! Dave divorced you for abandonment two and a half years ago. Eventually he dated a military widow with two kids who could really have used him as a father. But she saw through him after about four months and broke it off. She said he was really still in love with you, and she needed someone who was all in to a relationship. And then he met a divorced mom of three girls, whose husband chea..., was a philanderer, and she lasted about six months, and there were a lot of 'Brady Bunch' jokes, let me tell you! But she saw through him too, and said there was still a bit of him that was still in love with you, and she needed someone who could go the distance. So he went back on the market." She laughed nervously and without any real humor. "You, you know what they say, 'third time is the charm'? So, yes, he is getting married again tomorrow."

My guts felt like they had been whipped with rusty barbed wire, dipped in kerosene and set on fire. The pain was indescribable. I just stared at Annie through the tears for several minutes before my voice uncurled from its ball of agony. I managed to croak, "Well, that's... good. Dave deserves... the best. He deserves some... happiness. After everything I put the poor man through. I'm... HAPPY for him."

"But shitty for yourself, right?"

I thought I had no tears left, but I was wrong. Ann held my hands and waited patiently while I flushed my emotions through my eyes

"Do I know her?" I eventually sniffled.

"It doesn't matter. All you need to know is that they chose each other. That they both have been through a rough time, but they really deserve to be happy, or at least have the chance to be happy."

"Oh, Annie, please don't tell me that it is Heidi Collins? Please don't."

"All right I won't... but it isn't."

A horrible thought hit me and I blurted out. "It's not Ellen Roggins, is it? Oh, God, how could I ever get her to forgive me?!"

"Melissa! Pull yourself together, woman! It is not Ellen. She left. Couldn't take the whispers and the silence when she came into a room. And not a guy around here would touch her. She moved back to Peoria to be near her parents." Annie glared sternly at me, and I swallowed my sniffling. "Now let me tell you how the rest of the evening will NOT go. You will not be guessing every female name in the city and trying to get me to say, 'yes'. It doesn't matter who Dave is marrying tomorrow. The best you can hope for is sliding back into the family without any unbearable disapproval, to be part of your children's lives, even if it is every other weekend, and a chance to apologize to Dave for what you did. If you don't think that's a heck of a lot better than what you had when you called me, then you can march right back to Vegas and stay lost!"

I cringed under that glare. It was worse than mom's glare when she found out who had eaten the last cookie without asking. "I'm sorry, Annie. I'm really, REALLY sorry. You're right and I am lucky to have a sister like you and a chance like this. I do appreciate it. I'll be thankful for whatever I can get."

"That's pulling up the big girl panties."

I had a really bad feeling. "Annie, YOU aren't marrying Dave, are you?"

From the absolutely astonished way she stared at me I knew she wasn't the bride, and I was instantly scared that I had overstepped and alienated my only ally. "I'm sorry, Annie. I truly am; for everything. Please forgive me."

She recovered her poise, and managed a reasonably steady voice. "No, Melissa, I am not marrying Dave tomorrow. I would never, ever do that to you. Not that Dave isn't wonderful husband and father, and good looking to boot, but we have been friends too long to be spouses. It would be too weird. Dave promised to be the father figure for Peter, junior, and to give a hand when I need it, and that is all I want."

"Annie," I said slowly. "You said that Dave divorced me two and a half years ago."

"Yes."

"When did he get the annulment?"

She looked at me, strangely, and then looked away. "He went to the diocesan Marriage Tribunal and tried to get an annulment, but he couldn't."

"What do you mean?"

"Melissa, you're catholic. The tribunal doesn't give a hoot about infidelity or bankruptcy or anything that happened after the 'I do's'. They only care if a valid marriage took place. If someone well and truly meant it when they said 'I do', then they are stuck."

"And Dave couldn't get one?"

"They asked Dave if he married you freely, with no reservations, no pressures, no second or third thoughts? And you know Dave couldn't lie to save his life, right? He had to tell them that he freely meant every word he said on your wedding day. You weren't there to question, so they had to say, 'So sorry, no annulment."

Now my insides were clenching. "But that means if he gets civilly re-married tomorrow, he'll be excommunicated! No communion. No more church work. Oh, God, Annie, why would Dave..."

"Because he is tired and lonely and the boys need a mom; and he found someone he is willing to do that for." Then she looked at me speculatively. "Of course, you could fix it. If you went into the Tribunal and said that on your wedding day you weren't 100% certain, or that you felt pressured by mom and dad to get married, or that you weren't really committed to the relationship. That would get Dave off the hook." She looked at me intently.

For a moment I was wildly hopeful. Maybe I could get Dave back! I was the only one he could marry and stay in good with the church! Or if I told the Tribunal that I had doubts and they annulled the marriage, then Dave would be free and could re-marry and stay in the church, and forgive me; it wasn't a kidney, but maybe I could save his soul. All these things were dancing in front of my eyes. My tear-filled eyes. Finally I had to heave a deep breath and shake my head. "I'm sorry, Annie, I'm truly, truly sorry, but I can't. When I said 'I do' I freely and completely meant every word. If I told the Tribunal that I was not 100% behind marrying Dave, I'd be lying to them - and God, of course."

"Well you could...," she started delicately.

"No! I lived a lie for four years and devastated my family and shredded my own soul. I spent four years in exile trying to be better than that. I'm trying to be the person I should have been when Matt Roggins first started to work on me. I can't lie. Even if it would be convenient. Even if it would make things so much easier for everyone. Even if it would let Dave forgive me. I can't lie. When I said 'I do' I 100% wanted to be the most wonderful and, and, FAITHFUL wife for Dave. I meant it with every beat of my heart." I choked a bit forlornly, and gulped at my water. "I just forgot. I lost my way, but that was long after." I shook my head, feeling, if anything, more miserable. If that were even possible.

"Well, if you pass before Dave does, he'll be free to get married in the church and it will be all good." Then she speared me with her eyes. "And I will remind you that I have your solemn vow to your sister that you won't do anything crazy, like drink poison or drive off a cliff, right? That is NOT how this will finish."

"I won't, Annie. I've wanted to, been tempted to, more than once, but that's not right either."

Annie's phone beeped. She picked it up, glanced at the display, nodded to herself and put it back down. "Okay, Melissa. The last piece is in place. My plan is a go. Can you do this?"

"I can. I will."

"Okay, I have a dress for you to try on."

I woke in the morning to find that Annie had slept in the rocking chair beside the bed. I was miserable but resolute. I woke her with breakfast, and we did our hair and dressed and got ready for the ordeal.

Annie had found me a cerulean blue dress, with dark blue shoes and a hat with a board brim which had several inches of lace hanging around its rim. It fit perfectly, and if I lowered my chin bit, no one could make out my face. Annie wore a tan dress, had brown shoes and a nearly Easter Bonnet hat. We finally climbed into the car, opened the garage door and drove off.

We passed by the town hall and Ann kept driving. "Annie, the wedding isn't in the courthouse?"

"No. It's in mom and dad's back yard."

"Mom and...! The backyard! How? What?"

Annie spared me an exasperated glance. "They figured it was the least they could do for Dave. After all, he, and Peter, were the sons they never had."

I fought me way back to a better place. "I... understand, I'll be good."

There were dozens of cars parked around mom and dad's house on the shady little wide open neighborhood we had grown up in. I slumped down in the seat just in case anyone was around the front yard.

We parked around the corner, and went through side gate through the hedge and into the Wilson's back yard. I had lived next to the Wilson's my entire unmarried life. Their whole backyard was a garden, with little paving stone paths running through the clumps of flowers and shrubs and ornamental grasses. I was glad and scared about the stones. Glad because even though my heels weren't high at all, I still didn't want to sink into the beautifully manicured grass and flounder. Scared because I was certain the tapping of our heels would bring unwanted attention. We got to the other side, and Annie, who was ahead of me, looked carefully over the gate that led through the hedge between the Wilson's and mom and dad's backyard. She nodded and then turned and nodded to me, and we went through. I clicked the gate shut behind me as quietly as possible.

There were two big rectangles of chairs with a wide aisle between them. Each block was eight folding chairs across and ten rows deep. The first three or four rows were full of people, sitting and chatting happily with each other. A few people moved around, but not many. Annie led me to the first seat on the end of the last row on the left side, as far from anyone else as possible.

No one gave us a glance. I let out my breath.

Annie leaned over to me. "Keep your head tilted down a bit, there. Keep the lace over your face so no one will recognize you. Now, another solemn sister vow - you will not leave this seat until I give you the high sign. Whatever happens you will stay planted here. No running off. No hiding. No making any big scenes with Dave or the bride. Nothing. Quiet as a repentant mouse and taking your lumps. It's starting in a few minutes and will be quick. Promise me."

Thoroughly subdued, I whispered hoarsely, "I promise." Then I ventured, "Annie is it..."

"No guessing. You'll know soon enough and you will keep QUIET about it! Right?!" she hissed in my ear.

I nodded, not daring to speak.

"Now stay here until I give you the high sign."

"What? Where are you going?" I whispered, suddenly scared to be alone. I felt like a soldier being abandoned behind enemy lines.

"I'm in the bridal party. And you are sitting right here. If you so much as twitch, I'll stomp over to the gate and put a padlock on it. So help me God we haven't come this far for you to muck it up again."

"I'll be good." I felt like I was four years old again while my six year old sister played mother.

"Good."

With that she stood up, walked to the aisle and turned right and disappeared onto the back porch of the huge old Victorian home.

I concentrated on remembering four years of yoga, hoping that I could keep my heart from exploding or freezing up.

Music started. My God, Annie had cut it close! Pachelbel's Canon. My hands clenched each other on my lap.

I looked out through the lacy veil on the brim of my hat. I saw Dave's mother being escorted down the aisle by my three sons.

Oh, they looked SO grown up! I had missed so much! I almost sobbed, but I didn't have any breath. Tommie, my youngest, started to glance in my direction, but before I could duck, Carl had nudged his brother and they faced forward as they performed their escort duties. Dave's dad followed them down the aisle, walking straight and proud like a retired fire chief should.

I looked up toward the bower. My heart skipped a half dozen beats. There was Dave. My Dave. My heart refused to put the label 'ex-husband' on him. In just a few minutes I would have to sit here and watch another woman claim him. I cursed myself up and down. I cursed Matt, and hoped that whatever pit of Hell his soul was burning in, it felt even hotter. Finally I tore my eyes away from him.

I saw his Best Man. It was Ken, his best friend through high school and college. So he wanted Ken to stand with him at both of his weddings. At our wedding, oh, so long ago, he had been laughing and light-hearted and young. Now he looked distinguished, and stood with decorum, but he was grinning, and I caught him nudge Dave slightly with his elbow and whisper in Dave's ear. Dave smiled and nodded, agreeing with whatever it had been.

A bride's maid came down the aisle and I groaned to myself. Kate Anderson. My best friend in high school. That must mean that the bride was from our class, or at least from the class before or after. Half of my mind was wildly trying to remember the name of every girl in the class, while the other half noted that she was escorted down the aisle by Joe Astin, her husband. He had been one of Dave's groomsman. They had met at OUR wedding. They fell in love and got married because of OUR wedding. She owed me and was betraying me now. I couldn't bear the torment, and writhed inside as my body froze in place.

Then Annie came down the aisle. I almost screamed. I was in agony! Why hadn't she told me! She had been MY Maid of Honor and now she was going to be Matron of Honor to Dave's new wife?! I felt, felt - betrayed. In my mind Judas had nothing on Annie! I was paralyzed from pure mortification. I glared at her back all the way up the aisle. When she got to the front, she nodded regally to Dave and Ken and took her place. If there had been any justice the hanging lace on the brim of my hat should have been scorched and the back of her dress seared off. Then the bottom dropped out of my world as I realized what was next.

I waited for the wedding march; the bride's grand entrance. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and forced myself to take deep slow breaths so I wouldn't pass out; biting my tongue so I wouldn't attract attention with my sobs.

Then a hand grabbed my right shoulder. Half a scream exploded out of my mouth before I could bite it off.

The hand was huge. The fingers were bony but had the strength that only 42 years as an ironworker could give them. I twisted around, knowing already who I would see.

My dad.

He was stooped more with age than I remembered, but was still tall enough to loom over me, even if I were standing. His iron grey hair was thinner, his face more lined and splotchy, but his eyes were bright. And the most unemotional man in my life had one tiny trickle of tears running down his right cheek. "Okay, missy, are you going to let me walk you down the aisle, or are you going to run away again?"

All my extremely scrambled brain could come up with was a high-pitched grunt that sounded like, "Huh?"

He nodded up front.

I turned and my eyes skipped through all the people at the front, who had turned around and were looking at me. The small crowd of faces was smiling - some small, some broad, many teary. I looked at Ann.

She beamed at me and Kate handed her a cardboard square, which she held up, high, over her head. It read, "This is the high sign". Below it was an arrow pointing at Dave.

My eyes flicked to Dave. He stood there, looking at me, his signature quirky smile on his lips, and his eyes kind of shiny. Ken handed him a piece of cardboard, which he held up. It read, "Melissa. I still love you. I forgive you." He put that down as Ken handed him a second. "It will be hard. And we have a LOT of work." He put that down and Ken handed him a third. "But will you please marry me - AGAIN?"

I stared for a couple of pounding heart beats, and then nodded jerkily, smiling and crying. I tried to stand, but couldn't.

"Pops, could you please help me up? I don't know if I can stand."

"Sure. I'll carry you all the way up the aisle if you need, sweetheart."

Suddenly a bouquet was thrust into my hands. My mother was there. Her iron-gray hair was drawn back into a tight bun, and she too had many more wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. Both were thin and tight, but then relaxed into a slight smile. "Get it right this time, dear."