All Comments on 'Motel Halloween'

You need new editors. Even the supposedly cleaned up version is still extremely difficult to wade through.

Maybe start off slow and get it right...

That was a dumpster fire. No way I'm suffering through 17 pages from the poster chard for illiteracy awareness.

another great story. nicely done

Great story. You need to continue the story.

To any reader skipping ahead to the comments: If, like me, you read the first couple of paragraphs and went "This is BS. No video game company sends rejection letters in the mail in response to job applications." ... It gets worse. So, so much worse.

I didn't read it. I didn't need to. I've read a few of your "works" before, and the comments here told me everything I need to know, and that's that you haven't learned English yet, so no point in even attempting to read through the garbage you type out.

I am at the moment at page 5 of your story and I like the basic structure a lot. Interesting story. But if you really want to win the award, then you need a lot more of editing.

Especially at page 2 the context is missing at some point. I completly don't understand the story at the theatre. Where come the boys from? And you can't switch between first perspective and third perspective from one sentence to the next. And in first perspective you don't know what the other person do.

I don't want to give you a rate at the moment. With editing it could be 5 stars. At the moment I would give you 1-2 stars

That story was hard to follow, the pacing was all over the place and ... I think the biggest flaw is the protagonist. He's too perfect, he knows everything, he can fuck constantly, even when people try to trick him he's at least two or three steps ahead... It's tiring, and he often comes across more mean than playful. And his development: He started out as a little artist who wants to do video games and after a few pages we learn that he's already loaded because he and his two buddies sold some neat tech. And then it gets worse. And it's even contagious, suddenly his PA and his sister are also geniuses.

Another thing is this obsession with his magic technology which apparently can do everything, stretching any suspension of disbelief. Plus: After the third description of the first Disney illusion on pizza (what is it with these codes anyway?) you just wonder if the chef ever contemplates quitting as no one is eating the food anyway because the animation is sooo awesome. It's annoying, and Charlie's bragging never stops. He's asked a question about his assistant and he starts a whole monologue about the stuff we've already read before about his wonder tech.

There are some ideas for a good story in this text, though. But it needs a lot of work.

Awesome story, laughed so hard i had tears sometimes

I thought the chef was a single mother all along.

The chef was single on page three, when she was hired. When did she get married for her husband to leave towards the end?

Glad to see your writing style is still incomprehensible ramblings. Just kidding, take a creative writing class at your local community college sheesh.

Ignore the neigh-sayers

Was it perfect? No of course not, I've yet to read anything here (including my own) that could be labeled perfect. If someone is out to complain they can find something. I do have a question for the 2nd Anon though... What the Hell is a poster chard??? talk about illiteracy awareness, Look in the Mirror TROLL!?! Anyway as always I enjoyed it greatly 5 stars Thanks for Sharing!

Hmm, what to say. First thanks for keeping me up all night, lol. Fantastic story, sexy, funny and a touch romantic. You never disappoint.

As always, you did not disappoint with your creativity. I was almost put off by 17 chapters, but I decided to just take my time and sit back to enjoy. Was it perfect, no, but worth every paragraph. A couple of comments have tried to take it too seriously, but they missed the point. Life is about living it, and humanity is about going with the flow. Yes, I noticed a few grammar errors, and it dragged a bit sometimes, but overall it was a fun adventure. And who doesn’t want perfect heroes and a happy ending. Very nice. Too bad I can only give you five stars.

Tc

Always a very fun read.

Freaking awesome story. Loved it... thanks for that

Damn, I live for stories like this. Everything was puurfect! Some wouldn't know a good story if it struck them in the face. I love a story that's 17 pages long, way better than the flash stories offered here, although some know just how to write flash stories. I gotta give this one a rating of 5 BIG ASS FUCKING FLAMING NOVA STARS!

As Lapinator said, there are issues with the plot, however, it's your story so... There are typos, but worse yet are continuity issues. How can three young women be so controlled/dependent upon their parents, yet be older than the "dweeb" brother? Ready to use her college degree, while having no job, no prospects. The story is salvageable.

This creativity in this story is outstanding. I loved the whole idea. The grammar errors were thankfully not too bad. The continuity errors were much worse, but still did not hurt the story too greatly. Good Job!

Great story BUT you need more help editing because you need help transitioning from person to person.

you aren't a good enough writer to justify 17 pages, nor such a convoluted plot. You should follow the KISS strategy: keep it simple stupid

Trace says he has 4 children early on then later he doesn't have any?

Wow! Perfect! Couldn't stop reading, what an amazing imagination and ability with words. Great Story!!!!

It's weird how many times the author brings up Disney while also not knowing Minions belong to Universal, not Disney.

I almost swapped to a different story when I saw the length of this one. I’m glad I didn’t. An excellent mix of erotica and story line, with new characters and technology added. If a reader is looking for pure erotica, this might not interest them. If they are looked for a great, but also erotic story this is well worth their time. Well done.

What can I say? Man… I’ve been looking for a good read that is lengthy and has the perfect balance of sex and character development. This story had neither, I got to page 12 and called it quits, the switching between Charlie and others got incredibly confusing, and everything seemingly magically fixing itself. For example, the motel. Everything was good, he had three girls that he could get with and they were all happy. Suddenly his dad comes in, beats his ass and never sees Kate or the other girl again. This is a fictitious story so I don’t mind the unrealistic expectation of girls constantly throwing themselves at him and how is a sex prodigy but I do mind it when there are unnecessary things put in.

The author could rewrite how the story went and it would be good! Everything from the motel stays the same, take out the breakup with his parents, remove the three year gap. Have him ask His sis, Kate and the other girl to join him in Florida and they can all be happy. To end the story they could all have a giant orgy with the four of them, someone could get pregnant and they’d all live happily.

Not this shit that we were given. Such unnecessary realistic things in here. The parents didn’t have to find anything out because it’s fictitious. The author has complete control of everything that happens in their stories, so make it a good one

Sorry if this was really long and annoying to read.

To the author, if you read this. You made a story with a very, very solid structure. You just need some (pretty major) changes and this could be the best story on all of literotica. It is clear you spent so many hours writing this and I am in no way shaming you or trying to discourage you. Remember that people get better with time, practice makes perfect. Take the criticism and release a revised copy of this story, taking our suggestions and giving a new take on this story which has so much potential <3

Editing, grammar but easily corrected and not to the point of pulling you out of the story. From unemployed college grad to CEO requires suspension of disbelief. My largest issue is the sex is rushed and not hot,

Very hard to comprehend what is going on in most of the story..it jumps around way too much, ie the conversation is going one way, then it hits a fork in the road and goes completely bonkers..

A lovely story couldn’t put the book down

Best story I have read in a long time.

Well, I liked it. Maybe a little slow until Tiffany appeared but after that it was fast paced with so much happening. Yes, some issues with typos and continuity but not enough to spoil a good erotic read. Wonder what Disney think of this?

First person, third person, some person that was never introduced, etc etc. Really difficult to follow at times. You praise your editors in the beginning, but I think they failed you miserably. Good story with hard to follow story telling.

A very entertaining story, but it was very uneven, ranging from prose poetry to the worst hardcore smut. As the previous commenter said, the tense shifts, jumps from POV to 3rd person, grammar and punctuation errors, all in the same sentence, make it extremely difficult to fully enjoy the narrative. I gave it a five for entertainment value and imagination, but you need to do some serious editing on future submittals. Stream of consciousness is an acceptable technique, but not in the middle of a 3rd person descriptive paragraph. Mike became Matt. Tiffany went to the door while Tiffany was on the bed getting screwed. Charlie had a 3-month introductory gig at Disney, but the blow-up with his parents at the motel happened just a few days ago. These types of errors make it very hard to follow.

Great story

Fucking Epic! Well done.

I liked the story, but sometimes had to go back and re-read a paragraph for reasons mentioned elsewhere. Add to it, jumping back and forth through time and the confusing of Stan and Charlie. (Charlie is a fighter, then he can't fight at all. Stan is a black belt, but is afreaid of his parents? See what I mean?)

Loved it but hated ending you should have brought it full circle with Jan and Kate coming back in some way

Awesome!

Really enjoyed this story.