Mrs. Caldwell Home Alone

One thing I love is how easy it is to call someone a butthead when it's behind their back, you know, from behind a keyboard. In other words, my friend Sam is a butthead for deciding to fly to Florida over the Thanksgiving weekend instead of coming home from his break at Coastal University. I mean, it's almost as warm here as it is a few hundred miles away and he can slam his college girlfriend in either state, right? Well, apparently not so right because he's not coming home to Middleton and that leaves his mom, Mrs. Caldwell, home alone for the holiday weekend. Sure, she has relatives around town, but still, right?

One thing I hate about this is that she lives basically across the street and we have to pretend that everything is alright for the next few weeks, you know, as we throw those friendly waves at each other. The second thing I hate about this that I think a few others are expecting me to step up and do something to save Sam's ass, like I have been doing since we were in school. The last thing I hate about this situation is that if I try to make her a traditional Thanksgiving meal at any level, well, then I will be arrested and charged with poisoning another human.

In other words, I'm absolutely going to bitch slap Sam whenever he does decide to come home and by that, I mean that SOB better come home for his Christmas break!

And my back up plan kind of failed before it got started. I contacted Paulette's Home Cooking Deli and asked if I could order two Turkey dinners for Thanksgiving Day and the girl said that I would have to pick them up the day before or the day after as they were closed on that Thursday. And I may be imagining this, but I think the girl slammed the down as she hung on me. Rude, right?

In other words, if Judi doesn't accept my offer to share a Turkey dinner with me on the Wednesday before the holiday, well, I may have to upgrade my bitch slap for Sam to a face punch. I mean, mom's mean everything, right? They brought your sorry ass into this world and that's forever, right? And I swear, if I have to lie and make up stupid stuff as to why we can't share a meal on the actual holiday, OMG, Sam's days of sex may be behind him! I wear some serious boots.

LOL, here's the stupid part about all of this, LOL. All those TV commercials must be filmed in the northern states because I'm not putting on a jacket and a scarf to visit Judi. LOL, shorts and a T-shirt are just fine!

"Hey Mrs. C, I just wanted to know if you wanted me to bring us over a traditional home cooked Turkey dinner next Wednesday? Um, ah, I'm busy on Thursday and I'm sure you will want to go shopping on Friday, so how about it?"

"Come in Chad. So, a traditional home cooked Turkey dinner on Wednesday, huh? Well, that sounds lovely, I mean that's a lie, but it sounds lovely. What? Is the Deli closed on Thursday?"

"What? Um, ah, hey, I'm going to kick Sam in the knees when I see him."

"LOL, no need for that. I mean, he might deserve a bitch slap, but there is no need to take him out at the knees. So, what are you thinking? Early afternoon or evening?"

"Oh, how about 6 pm? And I'll be super clean and fresh. Oh, and if you can describe the box that wine comes in, I'll pick a box up."

"Whoa, how about you bring the Turkey dinners, you know, in the plastic carrying cases and I'll bring the wine, you know, not in a box. Deal?"

"Cool. Listen, you know how we young folks are, right?"

"Hmmm, meaning?"

"Oh, with a week to go, I'll have a powerful urge to post that I have a date with an older woman on Chang. I mean, sometimes I post in my sleep."

"Well, I wouldn't want to take you away from your Chang addiction, but choose your words carefully young man. I mean, I'm 38, just don't ask me how long I have been 38. And OMG, don't use my name! I'm sure Sam follows you, right?"

"No problem. I lie on Chang like everyone else, Mrs. Jade Calder, who just happens to be 46, right?"

"Hah, I don't know anyone that old. I mean, where did you meet her? At bingo, LOL? Come on, give me a hug good bye and go. I mean, what might the neighbors think if you hang around the old lady's house, right?"

Alright, that wasn't so bad. I asked for a dinner date, I received a dinner date and I get my first hug before the date even started. Not too bad, right?

"Oh, so that's it? Four or five years ago you never missed a chance to grope my ass and now that you're all grown up, you're what, shy about things? I mean, you weren't so shy two years ago at my backyard picnic, were you Chad? Fess up or the dinner is off."

"Fine, Timmy dared me to peer through your sun dress to see if you were wearing panties. I'm sorry I got so carried away."

"Close enough. I'll see you in a week young man."

Oh, did I mention that I'll be smashing Sam's foot with a hammer the next time I see him for putting me in this situation? Never mind all that for now and check my Chang homepage. That's right, I have a dinner date with a very vibrant mature woman with a rocking body!

What? Seriously? Fine, I have a dinner date with a very vibrant cougar with a twenty something body! Ah come on, geez, I have a dinner date with a wonderful woman I know and we're going to have a great time, you know, knitting Christmas sweaters! OMGF, fine already, I'll drop the knitting part! Geez.

Are you happy now readers? I mean that worked and all because Sam called me almost immediately.

"Hey buddy, who is this hot dinner date and does she have a rocking body?"

"Ah, she's a woman so she has boobs."

"Cool dude! Listen, I'm just glad to hear that you're not going to sit around and knit a sweater. So, what are you hoping for? Doggie or Missionary? Fess up and I'll let you go."

"Oh, ah, she had a dog, but she donated it to the local Missionary. You know those Nuns and their pets, right?"

"OMG, right? Hey, I'll let you go, but you know, sneak in a nudie if you can and post it. Come on now, how old is she?"

"Whoa, um, well, a little younger than your mom and older than she claims. You know, a cougar, but keep that to yourself, will you? Some folks around here are having a problem with my descriptions of her."

"Hey, there is solution for that. Post a full-frontal nudie and they will shut up. And then you know, post a rear shot for me. Promise dude?"

"Yeah, sure, well, I also promise that I will die soon, maybe."

"Ah come on dude, your heart will hold out, just keep it under five times a day, right? Just remember, I like them on their hands and knees, so keep the photos in focus and get her face in it."

Wow, I don't know what happened but our call got disconnected somehow. And why none of his calls made it through for the next week is beyond me. I mean, the phone companies, right?

Oh, why is there a "For Sale" sign in my front yard? Well, Sam just might come home for his Christmas break and I might need to be in another state. You know, right? I mean, the doggie position with a clear face means Nevada is looking good, right?

And thank you to the heavens for giving me a week to calm down over all of this time. And thank you Sam for sending me a DM on Chang to remind me to pick up a box of condoms. I mean, that's a plus, right? Hell, no it isn't! It's a sign to move to Canada! And OMG, why I did just that is way beyond me.

And why it's all I could think about as I stood at the Deli counter, well, that's not beyond me. That was because the girl, Kelsey, behind the counter mumbled something about being safe, I think.

"So, are you saying a woman of 46 can get pregnant?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying. I'm also saying that after feeding you for the last year, I've been kind of waiting for you to make a move on me, but you know, go have dinner with your older woman, your much older woman! I mean, everyone knows that as a woman matures, her boobs get huge, so have fun with that Chad! Asshole!"

Oh yeah, that helped my nerves alright. I can see it now, as I draw back my hand to bitch slap Sam, he's going to quick punch me and Kelsey will be there to kick me in the ribs as I'm laying on the ground. In other words, why didn't I move to New Mexico last week and avoid all of this?

But here it was, 6 pm on Wednesday and my timing from the Deli was perfect.

"Oh, come in young man. I just poured us a glass of wine, you know, from a bottle, because I knew you would be exactly on time."

"Cool Mrs. C, but we should eat while it's hot."

"Ah, if you're going to do me doggie like your Chang followers insist, then you should call me Judi all the time. Sit and enjoy your wine."

"I'm not nervous you know!"

"Yes, you are, but drink and enjoy the moment. I'll spread out the dinners on real plates. Care to join me in the kitchen?"

Holy what kind of invitation is that snap, do I? Hell yeah, I do! I mean, Sam is going to shoot me and Kelsey is going set me on fire, so why not, right?

"Go ahead, you can touch me. We're both adults and we're alone, so stop being so nervous."

"Our food will get cold."

"OMG and so will I damn it. Do you think it's easy being 46? I mean, go ahead, you can check to see if I'm wearing panties tonight, Chad honey."

Yup, I'll be dead by morning, so I slipped my hand under her dress and discovered what I already knew. I mean, she kind of gave me the answer with her question, right?

'There you go. Hey, be gentle, I've been out of the game for quite a while. Yeah, good boy, just like that."

Holy woman actually pant don't they snap, she really does like this!

"Hey, I was looking at your homepage and well, it seems that you like Vampire movies. Does that mean I get to bite you tonight?"

"Sure."

"And, maybe again in the morning?"

"Am I spending the night?"

I guess some things don't need a verbal response. She pulled away from me to fix our plates, but I was clearly spending the night. And hey, I don't have a problem with that, I mean, it's better than a last meal, right?

And then, oh holy dirty talk Judi snap, OMG, Judi has nothing to hide or hold back! I mean, she has obviously been lurking around Chang to pick up such sexy language, but still, right? And no, we didn't exactly finish our meals completely before we were on her bed making out and rolling around.

"That's it, baby, take my dress off and tell your little bitch girlfriend that you have experienced real titties and you can call them mature and you know, huge! Oh, don't stop. More tongue sweetie, everywhere, I mean, it's been a long time for me."

Holy mature ladies rock snap, Kelsey better learn a few things before she slams me or you know, stabs me.

"Tongue me Chad, I need the moisture, don't be shy. OMFG, did I just squirt on you baby?"

"I believe you did, Judi. And you know what? It's kind of fresh. And by the way, you're wet enough and I'm plowing your field."

Damn, where is a hidden camera when you need one? I think this might be my best sexual performance ever, not to mention my first! Oh, holy I forgot the condom snap, SOB, I forgot the condom!

"Did you put a condom on baby? I'm old, but I'm not a 100. Or do you want to be your best friend's step daddy?"

Huh? What? You can't say stuff like that to a guy who hasn't had sex yet! I mean, my nut blew within in seconds, but OMG, I can't be Sam's step daddy! Wait, Sam wouldn't kidnap his own step daddy and tie him to a tree naked in the woods, would he? OMFG, yes, he would!

"Or maybe we get lucky this time Judi? Sorry, but it's been a while for me too."

"Well, we'll go with lucky for now, but next try to hold off until you actually get inside of me, I mean, OMG, that was great baby! Now, lay down here next to me. I have a few things to say and I want to review a few more comments on your homepage. Good, just like that baby. Rest up. Now listen Chad, I'm not looking for a boyfriend and I'm not going out in the meat market world, so can we do this once a week or so?"

"Sure, that was the best sex of my life, Judi."

"OK, let's look at what the people have to say. Like this comment. I don't like the way he worded it, but was I good pussy for you Chad?"

"OMG, the best ever Judi. Tight, wet, soft and inviting and I promise I'll do better next time."

"Good, and you had, you know, pussy before, right Chad?"

"Ooh, ah, look, Frank323 wants to know if I jack hammered you and made you see stars?"

"Oh, well, I accidently hit my head on the headboard, so sure baby. What about Kelsey101, did I milk your mouth with my big ole fat mature titties? Wait, what's this girl's problem? Oh, look, Danny212, did I whip you? Huh?"

"It's an expression. And yes, I'm whipped and I'll be back to jack hammer you any time. Hey, what about Kelsey102, did she suck your cock and choke on it yet? Wow, some people are very direct, aren't they? I mean, I don't really need to sleep with one eye open, right Judi?"

"No baby and you should block her. I mean, would never the cut off your ball sac baby. I mean, you're my baby daddy now, right? However, speaking of that blow job thing, you'll be patient with me as I learn to do that, right? I will do that, but my teenage years were sheltered and I hated my husband, so give me a little time to learn a few things, OK baby? Oh, by the way, did we, ah, did we do it doggie just now? And were my big ole fat mature titties swinging? Kelsey103 wants to know. OMGF Chad, please block everyone named Kelsey!"

"No Judi, doggie is when you're on your hands and knees, you know, like this. Move with me Judi. That's it, raise your hips and lowered your head a little."

"Like this?"

"Exactly, now wiggle your butt at me a little."

Oh, holy I finally did it twice in one night snap, look at me, riding Judi like I knew what I was doing. I mean, I don't know what I'm doing because I still haven't put a condom on, but holy snap, I'm jack hammering Judi!

"OK, I wiggled it at you Chad, now what?"

I promise you all that I did get better as each week passed. I mean, check my Chang account. No one lies on Chang, right?

End Mrs. Caldwell home alone