Music Teacher Blues

"Honest, Dane, I told you the truth."

By that time my stomach was twisted in knots, I had a massive headache, and every nerve in my body felt like a blow torch. I had to get out of there. She was still crying when I stood up and walked out to my car.

Driving in the country usually relaxes me, so I headed the car Northwest, the quickest way to farmland and open, country roads. Unfortunately, it wasn't working. My brain was a kaleidoscope with images of Julie and that Chuck guy. I kept thinking up new questions and having more suspicions. Maybe I was second best and she came back to me after he dumped her. She said he didn't call her after he moved, so maybe she figured out that he wasn't really all that interested in her after all. Maybe she realized he'd never marry her so I was her fallback plan, and that bit about her getting out of bed and leaving him with blue balls... how was I supposed to believe something like that?

I was stopped at a red light when something occurred to me. I looked around and had absolutely no idea where the hell I was. I wasn't even sure I was still in Illinois. I could be in Wisconsin or Iowa. I looked at the clock to see what time it was... shit, it was almost three in the morning. I had to be in the classroom in five hours. Screw it, I told myself. I sat through the light as it changed twice while I dug my phone out and left a message for the school secretary.

Now what, I wondered. I saw several calls and texts from Julie asking if I was all right. The last one was only twenty minutes old, so evidently she wasn't getting much sleep either. Good!

All the stress was catching up with me and I was too tired to drive back home, so I headed in that direction but stopped at the first motel I came to. I saw the address when I registered. I was in New Diggings, Wisconsin, where ever the hell that was. I didn't know and I didn't care. I was so tired I didn't even remember lying down on the bed, but I must have because that's where I awoke.

I had to desperately take a leak, so I stumbled out of bed and was on auto-pilot as I started walking in the wrong direction. When I actually opened my eyes and saw the strange wall in front of me, I stopped to get my bearings. That's when everything started coming back to me. I found the door to the bathroom, relieved myself, then jumped into the shower.

I was starting to feel human again as my naked self walked back into the room and made a beeline for the single-cup coffee maker. As it was brewing, I sat down on the bed and checked the time on my phone. "Shit," I mumbled to myself, it was twenty to eleven. I had only twenty minutes before check-out. I got dressed and tried to organize my thoughts as I sat drinking that terrible coffee. Some of my thoughts of inadequacies and doubts were still lingering. How would I ever know for sure that I was honestly Julie's number one choice and not the consolation prize?

I walked down to the lobby and tossed the room key on the counter as I left. The plan was to find a restaurant where I could get some breakfast and do some more thinking while nursing a decent cup of coffee, but my phone rang before I even reached my car. I looked at the display and saw it was my mother-in-law. I opened my car door and sat with one foot in and one foot out as I answered it.

"Hello, Mom."

I heard the anxiety in her voice when she spoke. "Oh, thank God, are you okay? Julie's been trying to get ahold of you all night. She hasn't slept a wink."

"Yeah, we had a little row last night after you guys left. I got in my car and just drove around most of the night." I heard her sigh, I assumed with relief.

"I know, she told me all about it. This is all my fault, you know. I was the one who drummed it into her head. She was only twelve or thirteen when I started lecturing her about being sure before she married anyone."

"Mom, I understand about wanting to be sure before marrying somebody, but going behind my back and literally dating another guy for several weeks after we were engaged goes way beyond making sure; it's cheating, flat out cheating."

I could feel myself getting all riled up again and tried to calm down. "How am I supposed to trust her after this? How do I know she hasn't maintained a relationship with the guy?"

"Oh, Dane, you'd know if you stopped long enough to look into your heart. I know you're angry, but please don't doubt Julie's love for you."

"That's the problem, though, Mom; I do doubt it. How do I know this Chuck guy didn't dump Julie and I was just her fallback?"

"Dane, has she ever... EVER given you the slightest indication that you were her second choice? Believe me, Dane, I speak from experience. If a woman thinks she's settled for second best, she can't help but express it in some way or another. When I first married Julie's father, I thought I'd eventually learn to love him, but after a while, I started noticing his every fault... little insignificant things that became big things. I started to resent the man I married and told myself I could have done better. I disrespected him, nitpicked, and hounded him. For years, he took my abuse until I finally drove him out of the house."

"Yeah, Julie told me he finally ran away with his secretary and left you guys high and dry." I heard her sigh again.

"That's not what really happened, Dane. I wish it was because the truth is much worse. He left when he finally couldn't take it anymore. By that time, I'd pretty much broken his spirit and his self-confidence. He crawled into a bottle and stayed there. Eventually, he lost his job and most of his friends. He was still living with his mother when he died of liver failure. He was only forty-two."

I heard her sniffle a couple times before going on.

"I felt like I had killed him," she continued. "I cried myself to sleep every night for a couple of weeks after finding out he'd died like that. I felt so guilty. That was about the same time Julie started talking about Chuck. It was Chuck this and Chuck that. She was infatuated with him. That's when I started preaching to her, almost daily. They were together for years, all the way through high school. I was pretty sure they were having sex by then, so I stepped up my preaching, but she just kept telling me she loved him. I never told Julie, but I was so relieved when he moved, I thought it would give her a chance to meet other men, see what they were like before falling in love. Then she met you and I just knew she'd picked the right guy."

I had heard bits and pieces of her mom's story before, but this was a revelation. "So, you lied to Julie about her dad leaving with his secretary?"

"Yeah, I know I shouldn't have, but as soon as he moved out, I was already feeling guilty about how I'd treated him. Julie was all I had left. I didn't want her hating me, so I mostly blamed everything on her dad. I... I just couldn't take the chance of losing her, too.

"I... know what you must think of me after all of this, Dane, but please don't judge me too harshly. I've tried to make up for my mistakes. I've been a good wife to Don, and I've tried my best to be a good mother to Julie.

"Looking back, I probably shouldn't have preached so heavily on being sure about the man she married. I should have had more confidence in her judgment, and I know lying to her about her father was wrong. One of these days, I'll have to confess, but I don't think now is the right time. She's got enough on her mind at the moment."

I agreed and told her I wouldn't say anything. On the way home, I thought about everything Julie's mom said. One thing, in particular, stood out. She asked if Julie had ever given me any indication that I was second best. The answer was a resounding NO. In fact, up until I found those pictures, I regarded myself as one of the luckiest guys in the world.

I had a wife who literally believed there wasn't anything I couldn't do if I put my mind to it, yet she never pushed me to be more than I was. I enjoyed teaching and she knew it. Most of our friends are married and I sometimes shudder at what some of the wives say to their husbands. The level of disrespect they have for their spouses is blatant, and the husband usually just sits there and takes it. Never had Julie disrespected me or embarrassed me like that in public, or in private, for that matter.

Julie was lying on the couch with her phone in her hand when I walked it. She opened her eyes and quickly sat up the instant she heard the door. "Oh, God," she cried, "couldn't you at least have let me know you were all right? I've been so worried. I've been up all night. When you didn't come home, I called the school this morning to make sure you were okay. When they told me you called in sick, I was frantic. I called my mom and asked her to call you."

"Yeah, I talked to her earlier."

"I know, she called me back and told me you were okay. Have you eaten? You want some breakfast?"

I almost had to smile. There she was, putting her own anger aside to put my needs first, again. "I'm fine; I stopped at a little greasy spoon on the way home."

"Coffee's fresh; it's only about an hour old," she told me.

That did sound good. I think the coffee I had with breakfast had been sitting on the warmer all night. I didn't say anything as I walked through the living room and into the kitchen. I still had a lot on my mind and had yet to decide what I was going to do. I poured myself a cup and sat down at the kitchen table to think.

A few minutes later, Julie walked in and stood in the doorway. "I'm not sure if I told you last night or not, but I want to tell you how sorry I am. At the time, it seemed so important. I had to be a hundred and ten percent positive you were the one. Looking back on it now, I should have known. You were head and shoulders above Chuck in every respect. I should have been able to see that without feeling like I had to give him a chance."

"Well, your mother is taking responsibility for the way she lectured you about being sure," I replied.

"That's no excuse for what I did, Dane. I should have been able to see it for myself. I'm so sorry. I know how much this has hurt you. I can see it in your eyes. I'm so sorry."

With that, she turned and left the room. It sounded like she went upstairs. I stayed in the kitchen with my thoughts. I had always credited myself with being logically-minded. As a teacher, I could take even complex problems, break them down, and explain them logically so everyone understood. I needed to somehow turn off my emotions and engage my brain.

I had an idea. The laptop was still sitting on the kitchen table from the night before. I turned it around and started a search but came up disappointingly empty. Okay, I'll have to do it the hard way, I protested to myself. Aurora University was only forty-five minutes away. I yelled upstairs that I'd be back in a couple of hours and left.

The first thing I had to do was find out more about this Chuck character. I didn't want to ask Julie for his last name because I didn't want her to tip him off, just in case they were still in contact. Even though I couldn't find his class' yearbook online, the university's library would have a copy.

It took me a while, but I found him. His name was Charles Goodman, and he majored in business management. Okay, I had his last name and business interests. I had intended to see if I could find him on Facebook, but I got a better idea: I'd try LinkedIn first. It was more targeted to the business community and most people put a picture of themselves next to their profile.

I figured a school password was needed to sign on to the library's computers, but I found one unattended and already online. Within a couple of minutes, I had him. He worked for a computer programing company that sold custom software to automotive repair shops. I wrote down the name and phone number of the company before logging into Facebook. I now had more information I could use to single him out from the hundreds of other Charles Goodmans I knew I would find.

I typed, "Aurora" into the search bar next to his name and got only two hits, unfortunately, neither panned out. One was too old and the other was too young. I widened my search and continued to come up empty. I had been at it for almost an hour and was getting nowhere. Oh well, I thought, I knew who he worked for.

I had given up the Facebook search when I got a brainstorm. The very first guy I looked up was in the age range where he could have been Chuck's father. I sat back down and looked him up again. His "info" said he was married but not much more. I went through his list of friends and found a Lisa Goodman. She looked to be about my age, so I clicked on her.

Voila, it was Chuck's wife. There were several pictures of her and him together. After some more snooping, I discovered they had a three-year-old daughter. From all outward appearances, it looked like he was an average, hard-working, happily married, family man. Unfortunately, I knew appearances could be deceiving. Somehow, I had to verify Julie's story and make sure they weren't still seeing each other behind my back.

It was seven-thirty by the time I got back home. I didn't see Julie so I checked upstairs. By the wet spot on her pillow, it looked like she cried herself to sleep. I checked in the kitchen to see if she had fixed herself anything to eat. When I saw the empty dishwasher, I ordered a pizza for the two of us.

Little was said over the next few days except for Julie's apologies. They went on non-stop. After a week, my thoughts and emotions were still all over the place. I loved my wife and if I knew for sure that things happened just the way she said, I could probably forgive her, but I couldn't shake my suspicions.

I still had three big questions that had to be answered before I could come to any conclusions, three questions that hounded me day and night: how could I be sure she didn't fuck him; how could I be sure I wasn't her fallback after he dumped her; and how could I be sure they weren't still seeing each other? Confronting him would do no good at all; if I didn't fully believe Julie, I certainly wouldn't believe him.

I finally came up with a plan, but I had a little legwork to do first. I called my auto mechanic, Hank. He was great with cars and priced his work fairly. Julie's Hyundai was still under warranty, but my old Chevy was in his shop several times a year. He and his wife, Melanie, had become friends. I called him during my lunch hour.

"Hank's Auto... "

"Hi, Hank, it's Dane Bryant."

"Hi, Dane, what can I do you for?"

"Hank, I need a favor."

"Ah, oh, I charge double my hourly rate for favors, triple if it's illegal," he said with a chuckle.

"Nope," I laughed back, "nothing illegal. Do you by any chance know a Chuck Goodman, or a company by the name of, "Service Solutions?"

"I've heard of the company, but I don't know the guy you mentioned. Is he a friend of yours? I'm not interested in any computer stuff, Dane. My..."

"No, no, no, Hank, I'm not going to ask you to buy anything."

"Good, because I don't even have a computer in the office. Mel's brother handles my books. He's a CPA."

"No, I'd never ask you to do something like that. No, this won't cost you a dime. Chances are, he won't even call you, but if he does, I need you to tell him I bought the shop from you."

"WHAT?" he almost yelled. "Who's going to call, that Chuck guy? Why in the world would I say you bought my shop?"

"He works for Service Solutions. I need an excuse to get a meeting with him, so I'm going to tell him I bought your shop and want to talk about buying some software," I explained.

There were a few moments of silence from the other end of the phone. "You don't really want me to buy anything, though, right?"

"Right, it's just an excuse to get an appointment."

"What are you going to do to him? You're not going to beat him up or anything like that, are you?"

"No, nothing violent, Hank, I swear. I just need to ask him some questions but he can't know who I am."

More silence, then I heard him sigh, "It all sounds very James Bondish to me, but okay. I'll let Mel know too, in case she answers the phone. You're sure I'm not going to get in any trouble?"

"I'm sure, Hank, thanks; most likely, he won't even call, but I just don't want to take any chances."

"Okay, just one thing—since you're the new owner, I need a raise."

"Yeah, right," I laughed. "You remember me, the guy whose favorite phrase is, 'THAT MUCH?'"

Well, part of my plan was in place, but I still had to get the appointment. I assumed they had more than one salesman, so I wondered if I'd be able to request Chuck. When I called and asked for him by name they put me right through to his secretary. I was relieved that things went as smoothly as they did. I gave her an alias and had devised a story about living elsewhere and only being in town for a couple days. When I asked if Chuck and I could get together over lunch, she checked his schedule and gave me an appointment for the following Tuesday. First thing Monday morning, I informed the school that I was taking the following day as a personal day off. So far, so good.

I was nervous when I walked into the restaurant but I had been practicing my lines and knew them well. I recognized him as soon as I walked in, but let the hostess guide me to his table. He stood, we shook hands, and introduced ourselves. Our waiter brought coffee with our menus and said he'd return in a couple of minutes.

We both studied our menus before setting them down. As soon as he picked up his coffee, I told myself it was show-time and started playing my part. "You'll have to excuse me if I seem a little agitated. I had the strangest thing happen to me last night."

He chuckled, "This is Chicago, strange is the normal," he joked. "What happened?"

"Well, I used to live here when I was in my teens. I've wanted to move back for a while now. Buying Hank's shop is giving me that opportunity. Anyway, last night I was in the hotel bar and ran into a woman I went to high school with. Believe me, I'm not usually the kind of guy to kiss and tell, but this was just so weird. We got talking and I found out she was divorced, so am I. One thing led to another and she came up to my room with me."

Just then the waiter came back. We gave him our orders and waited for him to leave. Chuck, acting interested, but I'm sure was just trying to be polite, told me to go on with my story.

"Well, I won't go into detail, but I really thought we were going to have a great night together when she suddenly jumped out of the bed and said she couldn't do it. Talk about having your ego deflated, she couldn't get dressed fast enough. She was out the door before I knew it and I have no idea what I did wrong." I was holding my breath to see if he'd take the bait.

He chuckled again. "Her name wasn't Julie Connors was it?"

He took it hook, line, and sinker. Connors was Julie's maiden name. Now I just had to pump him for as much info as I could get. "No, why; don't tell me the same thing happened to you?"

"Yup," he laughed, "when I was in college. I knew Julie from high school but we lost touch for a few years after graduating. Then, in my senior year of college, she calls me from out of the blue. We got back together and started dating again. She was going to a different college, but it wasn't that far away so we'd get together on the weekends. Things were a little strange right from the start."

"How so?"

"Well, we screwed like bunny rabbits during our senior year in high school. When she called, I figured we'd pick up where we left off."

"Yeah," I interjected, "I would have thought that'd be a no-brainer, especially since she called you."

"Exactly," he retorted, "but we dated for a couple of months before I actually got her back in the sack, and then when it finally happened, she did just what your girl did, jumped up saying it was a mistake and took off before I hardly even touched her."