My Best Friend

This is an odd way to tell a story. It is told as though the two people doing the telling are talking to a group of people. So, the narrative is always quoted - since it is the protagonists talking to the group.

The story is also, to my knowledge a unique method for the husband to learn of his wife's affair.

Now, one might say it is an oversight to presume these two men could tell their tale publicly and not have the cheating wife find out and get revenge. However, you are going to read the story, have the information, and think about it - who will you tell? So, in this universe, guys can entertain their mates in a pub and the ex will never be the wiser.

The punctuation is as follows: when a protagonist is talking, it is in quotes and double quotes. The musings of the characters are in italics. I hope you enjoy -

My Best Friend

January 29 ^th is an odd date to celebrate. But my best friend, Tim Gardener, and I have been following the same routine for five years now. We go to Hausner's Bier Garten and start with a shot of whatever their most expensive single malt scotch is. We make a big deal of a toast to a great friend and partnership.

Every year this peaks someone's curiosity and they always ask why the big toast?

We laugh and say this was the day our friendship started. If you heard our story, you'd never believe we'd be best friends.

This always gets a few people interested and we tell our tale. I am the other half of this partnership, Bill Monroe.

"I was sitting right here, on this very stool when this perfect stranger comes up to me and asks if we can talk. Well, Tim ought to tell this part of the story."

Tim Gardner

"I have never dreaded anything as much as I dreaded meeting Bill. But it had to be done. I asked him if we could talk, in private. He naturally asked why and I told him, 'You're wife is having an affair and intends to dump you.'"

It's funny, the group always gets more interested when they hear affair and dump. The small group grows, and someone asks the bartender to turn off the polkas playing in the background.

"Bill looked at me like I had just shit on his shoes. I suggested we go back into the restaurant portion of the place and get a booth, with some privacy. He agreed. We sat and he asked me how I knew."

Even telling the story, I still get nervous at this part.

"Let me start here. About six months ago I met a beautiful single woman, and we started dating. Bill started to get anxious, and I assured him this was the best way to tell him how I knew. Anyway, we really hit it off and two weeks ago I asked her to marry me, and she said yes, reluctantly."

I paused and looked at the group, it had grown to eight or nine people, some were bringing the new members up to date.

"Her reluctance made me feel stranger than I already did, about our relationship. You see, in all this time, I had never been to her place - I didn't even know where she lived. She told me she lived with three other women and the place was not somewhere she wanted to show me.

"I know what you are all thinking," I said to the group of eleven. "Bill was squirming and going nuts, and I told him to hold on - there was a reason I had to tell the story like this.

"We spent the night at my apartment as we had so many times and in the morning she got up, showered, and dressed quietly, like always. She gave me a kiss on the cheek, as I lay sleeping and left. As soon as the door closed I jumped out of bed, put on a pair of jeans and ran to my car. As I got in I saw her rounding the corner to leave my development. I quickly followed.

"We drove, not to the seedy apartments where she said she lived, but to a really nice house, at 4532 Wilmont Drive. Claudia Maitland put her car in the garage and closed the door."

Bill Monroe

"I nearly lost it. You see, my wife's name is Claudia - her maiden name, Maitland, and we live at 4532 Wilmont Drive. When Tim told me she went into the house I was about to punch him. He said, 'Wait! Listen to this recording. So, I did. I have the recording with me."

I held up my phone, "The voices on the tape are Tim, here, and my ex-wife Claudia."

"Claudia, I am really starting to wonder if something is wrong here. Why can't I see your apartment and your roommates? Are you hiding something? Are you married?"

The woman's voice was extremely irritated, "How dare you! Of course I am not married. How could we be exclusive and me be married?"

"Maybe your husband travels. We hardly spend every day together."

"I told you; I am not free every day. I have work responsibilities."

I paused the recording. "This is as far as we went the first time I heard the recording. I asked Tim to pause it and looked at him and asked why he would do this?"

Tim Gardener

"I laughed and said, 'believe me I'd rather not.' I don't fool around with married women. Scum do that. I also don't believe I can see a wrong and not move to correct it. I have spent the last two days wondering how I could tell you. This is what I came up with."

I looked around. We were getting better at telling this tale - or maybe Hermann, the bar tender was telling people about our story. After all, he'd heard it three times already.

"If we were to listen to more of the recording, you'd find she deflects about the apartment and says we should marry in a year, or so. I asked why not sooner? She mumbled; she didn't have that thought out. I thought she was sloppy, or maybe just playing me along, for a while."

This started some debate in the gallery, which by now had grown to at least 18. As the crowd quieted, Bill started talking.

Bill Monroe

"Look at that face." I pointed toward Tim. "I don't know why, but I believed him. The recording helped, but why else would a guy fucking my wife tell me she was having an affair. Unless -

"So, are you telling me this because you want to take up with her now? I asked and he laughed. He told me he was sick to have been fucking a married woman and he was certain he didn't want the cheating slut any more than I did.

"Then, he got pensive and wanted to know if I was going to divorce her. I told him she was history. Then, I said, I want a pound of her flesh. The bitch can't do this and walk away with half of everything."

I looked around. Every time we tell the story, the group loves the thought of revenge. Men and women alike think cheaters should never prosper.

"I looked at Tim and told him I was a commercial airline pilot, currently flying international routes. The job keeps me out of town, on a known schedule. Claudia is the HR director for a consortium of small companies. She, too, travels. For that reason, and others, we decided children would not be part of our marriage."

"Tim asked me if I had connections in the industry. Of course, I did. He had a couple of ideas he had been trying to sell to the airlines which would improve safety and security. If I could get us in the door, he could do the selling."

People always have trouble with the serendipity of it all. I need to get out of a pilot's role and my new best friend needs a guy with my experience - but it is what happened, what can I say?

"Tim got me a prospectus for his business. I hired an attorney and did my due diligence. The concept was sound. Now we just had to decide what to do."

Tim Gardener

"It was actually my idea. Pilots who get drunk on flights get fired. So, Bill should tell Claudia he got drunk and got fired - eliminating any chance of his getting on, anywhere else. Of course, he would not get fired, merely quit."

"Once Bill was unemployed and having a drink or two right before Claudia got home - and pretending he'd had a lot more. I would up my demands on her marrying me. Of course, I had "no idea" she was married.

"Bill would act up more and more convincing Claudia to file. He would be pitiful, and she would not want publicity, so she could offer him their home and much of the savings. She would basically walk away with her job and IRA.

Bill Monroe

I always get anxious at this part and butt in.

"If I was any good at what I did, she wouldn't have her job long, either.

"I did just what Tim and I agreed. I tendered my resignation, assuring I burned no bridges and left in good standing. Then, I did my best to look like a lost drunk at home. In part, it made it easy for Claudia to sneak out nights with Tim.

"At the same time, I acted all pitiful. Moping was my daily routine. Tim and I decided Claudia had been stringing him along, with no intent of marrying him. However, a month of despondence and she was telling me we would divorce."

Groups are always apprehensive when we get to this part of the story.

"I actually cried. Well, I pretended as best I could. If you ask me, it was amateurish stuff, but hubris is a wonderful thing. Claudia was so convinced of her absolute superiority in this situation, she actually felt badly for me. She agreed I could have the house, much of the savings, and my IRA. It was all I could do not to give a big fist pump."

The crowd loves that part. Wait til they hear the rest.

"Claudia asked me to be away for two days and she would move out. I told her, in my best drunken slur, I would help her pack. She accepted. I didn't even need to get a hotel while she packed for Tim's house.

"The day she left we signed the divorce papers, wildly in my favor. I thanked her and wished her well. I was proud. I didn't even choke on the words."

The group always gets a kick out of my sincere look, knowing I mean none of it.

Tim Gardener

"I wonder if men are really as stupid as Claudia thinks we are. I had sincerely wanted to get married, when she was a single woman, and she had slowed things down. One day, like someone flipped a light switch, she wanted to get married. Quickly thereafter, she wanted to move in with me.

"I offered to help her, but she would have none of it. Surprise, surprise."

That always gets a chuckle.

"I knew the paperwork had been filed and it would be two or three months before they got on the court calendar and the judge declared them divorced, to the terms on which they agreed. After that there was a waiting period, but the divorce would be essentially final.

"I liked those months. I could change who I am and make Claudia wonder if she had done the right thing. I asked her about her sexual likes and dislikes. Oddly, all her dislikes moved up to the top of my likes."

Outright laughter. I love it.

"We saved the best for last. Again, hubris is a wonderful thing. If Claudia thought about it, she had never told me where she worked. But we had been living together for nearly three months, maybe familiarity just had her confused.

"I showed up at her office, to see if I could get on her health insurance. And, damned if I wasn't 'shocked' by who was also there - and overheard me."

I looked at Bill, to take the story from there.

Bill Monroe

"One of the things Tim and I did while we waited, was go to a gym and take some boxing and self-defense lessons. We needed to fight, in front of Claudia and her boss, and make it look convincing. I think we did that very well.

"I showed up and overheard Tim talking about Claudia Maitland. I called him a sonuvabitch and accused him of breaking up my marriage. He told me Claudia was and always had been single. I threw a great round house and hit him square in the jaw. We had rehearsed it 50 times and never did it better.

"You hold back, just a smidge and he overreacts to the punch. It leaves a bit of a mark, but looks like it should break his jaw."

The crowd loves this part. It is clear where the story was going and that Claudia was going to do very poorly.

"They broke up the fight and I left in a huff."

Tim Gardner

"I looked at Claudia, her boss standing right behind her. 'You told me you were single. You made me participate in destroying a marriage and a good man. I will have your things waiting at the curb. Don't ever contact me again.

Cheers from the group, which was more than 20 by now.

"Somehow, Claudia held onto her job for another couple of weeks. You'll understand, neither Bill nor I had that much contact with her after the fight."

A big laugh from the crowd.

"She had her lawyer try to get the terms of the divorce changed because Bill and I took advantage of her. Bill's lawyer called me to the stand and asked me how long we had been having an affair. I, of course, said we never had an affair, she told me she was single. After that, Bill's lawyer wanted to know how anyone could have the temerity to say someone else was cheating them, when her whole life was a lie.

"The terms remained unchanged. As far as I know, Claudia remains effectively unemployed; unless you count short-order cook at a local greasy spoon as employment.

"With the divorce final, Bill and I could announce our partnership and start our business. Things took off. We are doing well."

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I know, we know nothing of the wife, or any real detail of anything. This was just enough to show how the guy romancing another's wife could end up being his best friend and partner. Hope you enjoyed.