My Cousin Shows Me Around Campus

I watched Skipper try to think of a response. After half a minute, I poked a different hole in his idea - "Why couldn't the governor appoint university board members who'd in turn appoint professors to the committee who'd push that climate change is in doubt? Then everyone who wanted to speak at the university would have to agree that climate change is in doubt?"

I felt buzzed; high. Higher than I had felt last night.

Skipper turned my comment over and over, looking for ways to slap it away. His face showed no anger or defensiveness, only pleasure. He loved the intellectual back and forth, just like I did.

Finally, Skipper said, "I think I need to work on that idea some more."

For the rest of dinner, I felt like I was floating on air. I wanted to argue more. Arguing was my drug of choice. Skipper was my only reliable supplier.

After dinner, as we walked to his car, Skipper said, "I've really missed arguing with you."

* * * *

Once we got into his apartment, Skipper said, "Go get a shower. You should be getting on the road soon."

"Let's sit on the couch and talk for a bit. I want to talk about what I learned this weekend."

"Okay."

Skipper and I sat on the couch, facing each other. I said, "I've really enjoyed talking with you this weekend. I feel so much smarter when I talk to you."

Skipper smiled at me. "You are smart, Megan."

"I haven't felt smart for the last two years. I want to do well in college. I want to make my parents proud of me again. I want to make myself proud of me again. And I think I know how to keep myself from floating - I think if I talk to you regularly; if I tell you about my classes and my homework; that will force me to be accountable for my studies. I'll want to work hard on my classes because I want to tell you I'm doing well in my classes."

"I'll always be happy to talk to you about your classes. Call me any time."

Crunch time. "I don't think calling will work. The discussion about my classes needs to be a part of a much broader conversation. 'How was your day, Megan?' 'Great. I had an interesting conversation at lunch and then I got a paper assignment in class.' I don't think we'll have those types of conversations if you're not seeing me regularly. I think the only way we'll have those types of conversations is if we are sharing an apartment."

Skipper's eyebrows shot up. "Megan, it's going to be a lot better for you to live in the dorms your first year. You'll make a lot more friends there."

"I don't think so. You know I struggle when I'm with lots of people I don't know. I'm afraid I'll shut down if I'm in the dorms and not make any friends at all. I've been thinking I won't be happy in the dorms and my parents have been poo-pooing my concerns. That's why I came here this weekend. If we get an apartment together, I'll have to work hard to make my own circle of friends. But I can do that. One of the things I've learned this weekend is that having the right roommate makes a huge difference in how enjoyable college is. Ashlynne doesn't sound like she'll be fun to room with. I think it'll be fun living with you. I'll move into the dorms sophomore year. That'd give me a year to find a roommate whom I'm compatible with."

Skipper pursed his lips. "I'm not sure we'd be happy sharing an apartment. I hate to cook..."

"But you're great at cleaning bathrooms. Tien and Kelsey gave me a lot of advice on what to do before moving in with someone. We'd have a lot of issues to work out, but I think we can work them out if we want to live together. Do you want to live with me?"

Skipper raised his hand to his mustache and stroked it.

I had intentionally used live together instead of share an apartment. On the drive back to the apartment, I had decided I wanted to be lovers with Skipper. He made me feel good like no guy ever had. He cared for me. He respected me. He was fun to be with. I enjoyed being with him as a friend and cousin, but I wanted far more than that.

Skipper said, "I don't have a roommate lined up yet. I've sounded out a few guys, but I'm not excited about living with any of them. And we do get along..."

I felt myself holding my breath. Was he going to agree? Was what I wanted going to happen?

"...As you said, you'll need to work hard to develop your own circle of friends. Do you have any ideas on how?"

"I was thinking I'd look into a meal plan where I could eat lunch in the dorms during the week. I'd find a dorm student in one of my classes and join her for lunch every day. Maybe hang out in her dorm room between classes."

Skipper nodded. "There's a meal plan like that. That could work. If you want to share an apartment, I'm okay with it."

"Great!" I dived toward Skipper, threw my arms around him, and gave him a big hug. "Thanks for agreeing." I gave him another squeeze. "Shower time."

* * * *

In the shower, I fantasized about how it would be. Skipper and I would live as friends at first. We'd have long conversations. We'd argue about things silly and serious. We'd be drawn closer and closer together. Then some nights, we'd be watching some romantic show on the couch. Skipper would put his arm around me. I'd snuggle into his shoulder. We'd chat sweetly during the show. After it was over, we'd kiss. And all the passion we've built up for each other over the years would come flooding out. We'd make out madly on the couch and then Skipper would scoop me up and take me to his bedroom where we'd make love in his bed. After that, I'd sleep with him every night. Eventually, I'd transfer to where he's going to go for grad school. As I blow-dried my hair, I thought over how we'd tell our parents.

The daypack I had brought with my clothes and blow dryer was on Skipper's bed. As I was putting my stuff away, I could hear Skipper talking to someone in the other room. Who could he be talking to? He had a paper to write.

I stepped out of the bedroom and I saw that Skipper was on the phone. He said, "Here she is," and handed the phone to me. "It's Allie."

I put the phone to my ear. Allie asked, "How are you feeling, Megan?"

"Pretty good now."

"But not this morning?" Allie laughed. "Did you toss your cookies last night?"

I said embarrassedly, "Yeah, I did."

"Don't be ashamed. So did I. Has Paul been taking good care of you?"

I smiled. "He has."

"He's the sweetest thing. I called to say I had a great time with you last night. You were a hoot to party with. I'd like to do it again in the fall. Paul could take care of us both. And next time, I'll give him a big thanks before the party." Allie laughed. "I'm glad to hear you're feeling okay now. Can I talk to Paul again?"

I handed Paul his phone. In the back of my mind, a nightmare was forming.

Skipper said, "No, you can't come over tonight. I've got a paper due tomorrow morning, and I'll be working on it the rest of the night. How about I come to your dorm room after my classes are over?" After a pause, "I'll see you then."

I suddenly realized my plan had a huge flaw in it. It required Skipper to not date anyone until I won his heart. That wasn't going to happen - Skipper was too wonderful and too handsome to stay unattached for long. Clearly, Allie had designs on him. By Monday night, they could be a couple again.

And if not Allie, then some other girl. He'd most likely have a girlfriend by the time I moved in with him.

Skipper said, "Megan, I've packed a snack for you for the road." He held up a sandwich bag with crackers in it. "And a cup of ice water." He started walking toward the door. I followed along.

That girlfriend would probably take him to the end of the school year. Or if not, long enough so I won't be able to win Skipper's heart before he moves away for grad school.

Skipper opened the apartment door for me. I stepped through, but I was a million miles away. I had to get Skipper to commit to me now. We had to become lovers tonight. Otherwise, my opportunity would slip away.

Skipper walked with me to the car, carrying the bag of crackers and the cup of water. I was thinking furiously. I had to come up with something. I knew I couldn't say, "Let's go back inside and make love." Allie last night had tried to get Skipper to do what she wanted by offering sex and he had easily refused her. Hadn't even discussed her offer. As much as I thought Skipper loved me, I was sure he felt having an affair with his little cousin was wrong. He hadn't shown any kind of romantic or sexual interest in me this weekend. And he had had a big chance last night. He would have been justified in removing my bra. I asked him to make love to me and he had spurned my offer. He had...

We were at my car. Skipper was waiting for me to pull out my keys and unlock the car. I had an idea for postponing leaving. It was a poor idea and I wasn't sure how to make it work, but I felt I had to try something or I'd lose Skipper forever.

"You took advantage of me last night."

"What?"

"I said you took advantage of me last night. While I was drunk. I trusted you and you took advantage of me."

"No, I didn't," Skipper said indignantly. "You're my cousin. Look, I think it's terrible to take advantage of a drunk woman. I'd never take advantage of you."

"But you did. Let's go inside and discuss it."

"Go inside?" Skipper said incredulously. "You're supposed to go. You've got a long drive to make and I've got a paper to do."

"Do you want me to discuss how you took advantage of me in front of your neighbors? Besides, I want to show you what you did."

Skipper glared at me. I hadn't wanted to accuse him of taking advantage of me. I hadn't wanted to make him angry. But I hadn't any choice. I had to walk a fine line to get him to do what I wanted him to do without making him too angry.

I softened. "Please, Skipper. I want to talk some more. I want to get this out now. I'm not angry. I just want to reach an understanding."

"I didn't-"

"I know you don't think you did anything wrong. Let's go inside and discuss it for a few minutes. Okay?"

"Okay," said Skipper curtly.

As we walked toward the apartment, my thoughts raced. How to present this? How would Skipper react? One of the things I loved about Skipper was he always did the right thing. I needed to convince him that the right thing was for us to commit to being lovers tonight.

Inside the apartment, I said, "Let's go to your bedroom."

"We can talk here."

"But I can't show you here." I took two steps toward the bedroom. Skipper didn't move. I came back, grabbed his arm, and started pulling him toward the bedroom. He finally followed along.

In the bedroom, I started taking off my shoes and socks. "Take off your shoes, too."

"Megan, really?"

"Please? Come on - humor me for a few minutes."

I thought I saw a small smile. Skipper took off his shoes and socks.

"Now," I said, "Get into bed like you were when we went to bed last night."

Skipper looked at me for a moment before giving a small shrug and lying down on his back on top of the covers. "Like this?"

"Like that." I climbed onto the bed, moved next to Skipper, and put my head on his shoulder. "Cuddle me."

Skipper's arms went around me.

"This is how you took advantage of me. You cuddled with me when I was drunk and totally trusting you."

"Megan...I only wanted to know when you were close to throwing up so I could get your head over the trash can."

"That's not why you cuddled with me. You said, 'Don't you enjoy cuddling like this? I enjoy cuddling like this. Enjoy it and go to sleep.' You cuddled with me because you wanted to cuddle with me."

I heard Skipper inhale sharply. "This is...a lot like hugging. I hug you all the time. We hugged yesterday morning." He was spilling his words out so quickly that they almost ran together. "Cuddling you wasn't taking advantage of you."

It felt wonderful lying in Skipper's arms like this. It had felt good last night but I was too drunk to enjoy it. Now, I was fully aware and savored the feeling. The longer I lay in his arms, the more I wanted to keep doing it well after today.

"My mom wouldn't have any problems with how you hugged me yesterday morning. Do you think she'd be upset if I told her about us cuddling last night?"

Skipper sighed. "Okay. I took advantage of you last night by cuddling with you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. At the time, it seemed like the best way to monitor how close you were to throwing up."

I smiled to myself. "It's okay. I'm taking advantage of you taking advantage of me to get in some more cuddles. I'm really enjoying them. Do you like cuddling with me?"

A long pause then, "Yes, I like cuddling with you." He sounded like he hated that I had dragged the truth out of him.

"I've often wondered what it would be like to hang out with you as an adult. Hanging out with you as family has always been fun, but this weekend has been different than that. I've had a great time this weekend. Did you have a great time?"

"Yes." Then Skipper chuckled. "Except for the part where I had to clean up vomit."

"Thanks for that. Thanks so much for taking such great care of me today. You made me feel very loved." I reached up and kissed Skipper on the cheek. I resumed my position, then raised my hand and rubbed Skipper's chest in a small circle. "Last night, you said you loved me. Did you mean it?"

"Yes. I love you. I love your brother and sister. I love all of both of our families. Well, except for maybe Lauren. I'm so glad both of our families get along so well."

Not what I wanted to hear.

I said with all the longing I could put into my voice, "Did you mean you love me like a man loves a woman?"

Skipper was quiet for a while before saying, "I love you, Megan. I've always loved you. But I...I don't love you...that way. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with you. I don't...I don't even know if we'll enjoy sharing an apartment."

Rejection. Total Rejection. Complete defeat.

I had hoped that Skipper felt toward me the same way I felt toward him; that he loved me enough to want to try to be a couple, to see how happy we could be together. But he didn't. I had bet it all and lost. If we had only had more time together, maybe he would have been willing to cross over that line...

Wait a second! Of course - time!

"I don't love you that way either, Skipper. I have no idea how happy we'd be as a couple. I've always had the feeling - the intuition - that you're the guy who'd make me the happiest. But there hasn't been any way for me to find out. We can't go on dates together. Our families would freak out. Our friends would freak out. What if we dated for a while, had a big fight, and didn't want to see each other ever again? What would that do to our families?"

"It'd hurt them badly. It's about more than just us, Megan."

"Do you have the same intuition about me? That I could be the girl who'd make you the happiest?"

Skipper exhaled loudly. He was quiet for a while. My heart was pounding in my chest. Of course, he didn't love me. He had never had a chance to fall in love with me. But did he want the chance to fall in love with me?

"Megan, you're wonderful. I've always enjoyed being with you, talking with you, and doing stuff with you. But we're cousins. And..." Skipper sighed. "I want to argue too much. The breakup with Freja really hurt. Because it was one hundred percent caused by me wanting to argue. When we weren't arguing, we got along great. But I want to argue. I want to argue about health care. I want to argue about plot holes in kid's shows. I want to argue about stupid, half-baked ideas like we did over dinner."

"And I love to argue with you."

"You do. With every other girl, I try to hold back; to not argue too often. But then I'm not being me. I'm constantly thinking about how long has it been since our last argument and if she seems in a mood that she'd be interested in arguing. I'm never comfortable."

I hoped I knew where this was leading to. "But you're comfortable with me."

"I've always been. I can be me with you. You make it fun for me to act the way I want to act. You're the one person I feel like I can be myself with."

I smiled. "And you're the one person I feel like I can be myself with."

"So yes, I have the same intuition that you're the girl...the girl who can make me the happiest. But if I were to act on it, I'd hurt both of our families. You've already lied to your parents about being with me this weekend. We can't lie all the time to our family and friends, but telling them the truth would freak them out."

I felt a lot better. Skipper felt toward me like I felt toward him. The difference was that he was happy with his life and didn't want to risk ruining it while I had been unhappy the last two years.

"We're in a Catch-22, aren't we? We both suspect we'd make a great couple, but the fear we're wrong keeps us from finding out." I pulled out of Skipper's arms, moved back, and put my head in my hand so I could look Skipper in the eye. "And this is it. This is likely our one opportunity to find out if we'd make a great couple. Neither of us is dating anyone. We're planning on getting an apartment together so we could discretely be a couple. But it's going to be a very small window of opportunity. You're going to see Allie tomorrow and I suspect she's going to want to start dating again. And if it's not Allie, it'll be some other girl. Then I'll start dating some other guy. Then you'll move away to grad school. And I'll spend the rest of my life wondering if I'd been happier if I had seized this opportunity." My heart was pounding so hard I thought it'd explode out of my chest. "Do you agree that this is probably our one opportunity to find out if we'd make a great couple?"

Skipper looked me in the eye for a long time before saying, "Yes."

"Do you want to take advantage of this one opportunity? Or do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if you'd be happier if you had?"

Skipper lay back, closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. My heart continued to go ka-thump, ka-thump, ka-thump. Skipper had been right - I didn't love him as a woman loves a man. At least, not yet. But I wanted the opportunity to fall in love with him. And I wanted him to have the opportunity to fall in love with me. Would we have it?

Skipper said with his eyes still closed, "I love you, Megan. I think I'd really enjoy you being my girl. But it would be so hard to do. It'd be much easier if we each found someone else."

My heart leaped for joy. There was a chance now. Skipper was open to the idea. "Since when have you been afraid to try something hard?"

Skipper sighed. "How would this work? We obviously wouldn't tell our parents. Would we tell our close friends that we're a couple?"

I frantically thought. How did I want it to work? "I don't think so. I think we'd keep it a secret from everyone at first. If it doesn't work out, then we never tell anyone. If we break up, we'd remain friends like you remained friends with Allie."

Skipper still looked uncomfortable. "Are you sure about this? This isn't some teenage crush we're talking about. We aren't talking about kissing, holding hands, and an occasional cuddle. We can't date a while and decide then if we want to get serious. We're talking about being lovers right away. I'm not comfortable taking such a big step at once."

I moved so my head was a few inches above Skipper's. "I love you, Skipper. I want to be with you." I softly rubbed my nose against his. "I'm totally sure about that."

"What about we live together for a while before we decide we want to take the next step?"

I resumed my position on Skipper's shoulder and thought his suggestion over. "Wouldn't that be awkward?"

"Well..."

"Wouldn't that be the worst of both worlds? We'd have all the hassles of being a couple without any of the pleasures. If we decided to not take the next step, it would hurt as much as breaking up. It's not like we need to get to know each other better. Either we think we can make it as a couple and decide to be one, or we don't."