My Girlfriend is a Whore

And this is where I ended up. But the problem with this was the reality that she had put the feelings of whomever else she may have been concerned about, ahead of her feelings for me, which made me feel yucchy inside.

The third incident occurred more recently. Maybe I was wondering about her life with her husband, or maybe the combination of incident #1 and incident #2 had gotten me to thinking, or maybe I just was feeling silly. In any event, I determined to ask her - just once - if I could not pay her for sex. I wasn't going to come right out and say it. Oh no, that would be far too simple. Rather, I devised a story about how I'd spent a small fortune paying taxes, I was waiting for a large check on account of a previous engagement, and I was temporarily short on cash. Fairy tales are made of such litmus tests, and part of me is surprised that she didn't see through my ruse. Here is her reply, I dare say verbatim, as I tried carefully to remember it. "It wouldn't be fair to my other clients, or to [insert fake name of husband]."

I was crestfallen. For she had told me that she loved me, too, and I so wanted to believe her. In fact, for her, I had suspended disbelief, managing through the crystalline clarity of love to set aside and disregard wholly small facts, like she fucked other guys for money. And what I wanted for her to say was "Darling, of course, I love you and never would let money get in the way," or something to that effect. I wanted her to express what I felt, that I longed for her, I hungered for her, and I wanted to be with her. But she didn't, instead appealing to complex notions of comparative equity.

And that completely misses the point, because one of the premises, from my standpoint certainly, was that I didn't care about her other relationships, and there was no reason at all for them to intrude upon my relationship with her. I didn't care if she charged other guys half, or twice as much as she charged me, that was between them and her, it had nothing to do with her and me. Besides, after we had sex for free, let's call it, I was going to tell her the whole little story, and pay her, anyway; for me, this wasn't anything about money, but rather, about what she was going to do. And, I found out.

From her perspective - and I always want to try and see both sides of any issue - I suppose the reciprocal of what I did, is that maybe from time to time she had wondered why I didn't just pay her money, without the expectation of sex. I don't think she did; certainly she never brought anything like this up, and definitely was more, one might say, transaction oriented. But even if this had been a concern, it misses the point, because, in a way, I already was doing this. For example, I always was giving her things I thought she'd like, all the way from books to expensive jewelry (which, to my pleasure, she made a point of wearing when we were together).

In fact, now that I think about it, I remember discussing the possibility of evolving towards a relationship with her that was less of an overt quid pro quo; for example, paying her a certain amount of money each month, and then we could have sex whenever we wanted, subject to coordinating schedules and such. If I were a gambling man, I'd bet she'd actually end up making more that way, because I'm busy and only capable of getting into a romantic mood once in a while. I mean, it's not like I'm constantly worked up, or something.

Where I erred was in trying to envision a way we could transition into some other kind of relationship, maybe a more "advanced" relationship, I'm not sure exactly what it was I had in mind, or how I would characterize it. Our failure, or inability, to do so, is what created the end-game. But the advanced relationship is of course her husband's prerogative, not mine, and I was guilty of grave category error even to imagine otherwise. In the scheme of things, no question but that he has that "right" (this sounds too dogmatic; I mean, vis-à-vis me, not vis-à-vis her).

But I would like to think that her and I had moved beyond the point where I was just some other "client" whom she was screwing. I wanted her to love me for me, not because I paid her. I think she wanted that, too. I'm sure this is the type of situation they warn aspiring young ladies not to let themselves fall into, when they attend escort school. I wanted to be close to her, but she did such a really good job of protecting herself. Like I said, I know why, and it's fully warranted, but somehow I thought I would be able to break through, or at least peer around, those barriers. And, I also knew there were a lot of other people in her life, and that was OK, because that's what she did, but somehow I wanted to be different qualitatively than them, and mean something more to her, or be something more in her life.

Maybe that was me being selfish or narcissistic, because I know that's not the premise for how our relationship (or any relationship like ours) gets started. I knew I was gravely guilty of misusing, or extrapolating from, those premises. One doesn't really know what the limits are to something - e.g., a relationship - until one has pressed up against them. But then you see what they are, it's no big deal, there they are, and they ought to be respected. So, in the final analysis, I'm glad she spoke up for herself - particularly if the premise wasn't tenable, which it no longer was. Maybe she just didn't dig me enough to move a way from her comfort zone, however confusing its structure.

I also found out she was a true whore, and I was proud of her. She was not a fake one, or a pretend one; not a girl who needed some occasional cash, was into having sex and thought she might as well get paid for it, or viewed it as some kind of hobby. A true whore is one who never will have sex for free, no matter what her own personal feelings. She truly iterated the phenotype, and when push came to shove, she was more whore-like than an Atlantic City streetwalker, who every now and then has sex without recompense.

But, when I needed her emotional support, and the validation of our relationship in a less mercantile context, it was not forthcoming. I still love her, and I miss her. She is such an extraordinary creature. I don't want her to disappear me, I can't imagine her not in my life. I can't just cancel out the way I feel about her. For me, at least, matters of the heart can't just be picked up and put down.