All Comments on 'My Girlfriend's Mother'

Good story, but poorly written. Switching between first person and third person is confusing,

Almost unreadable. I couldn't finish it.

Unreadable. You can't even decide whether to write in first or third person. Get an editor, or give up and just be a reader

I love the idea of losing it to a girlfriends mom, but you kept switching from first to third person in your narrative. Makes it very hard to read.

Don't pay any attention to the first few comments. They are verbatim what was written when I first posted. I think there's a few people here who seek out first timers and try to undermine them. B@st*rds.

That having been said, it was a little confusing, but some good lines. Keep going. Five for bravery and effort, slightly less for execution.

Too choppy. First and third in one sentence? Please no sequal. Just keep this a fantasy.

Enjoyed it. Ignore the critics -- anons like me ! If they could do any better they should submit their effort for ripping apart. Look forward to your next episode. I'm still hard thinking about the possibilities. G/f's mother -- a real live milf.

Why? This person makes mistakes that should embarrass anyone past the age of 10.

I had to stop after 3 paragraphs. I could overlook common grammatical problems, but yours were so bad I wonder if English is your 1st language. You constantly change from first person POV ("I did this and I did that.") to 3rd person (Joe did such and such) which is confusing enough. But then you can't remember whether Joe is the name of Mary's late husband or of the narrator/main character. And that's just for starters. It is too much of a challenge to get through all of that to try to enjoy the story.

Look, this is a comment to many writers and readers, too. I know many people say, "This is erotic fiction. Its purpose is to make you aroused, etc. and shouldn't be judged by the same standards as other fiction." But that's stupid. The purpose of horror or thriller fiction is to give the reader a pleasant scare, but it can't do that if it's poorly written. Likewise, the purpose of erotic fiction ("literotica" if you please) is to give someone a pleasant erotic fantasy, whether or not accompanied by masturbation. It can't do that if it is poorly written--or it is much harder to do that than if it is well written. Poor writing and acting can hurt visual porn and it has the advantage of, at least, showing you arousing visuals. In written erotica, the arousal is all in the imagination of writer and reader--which takes communication. Good writing is the key to that communication. So, please, take these things seriously. Write every erotic story (privately, here, or on some other site) as if you are trying to write a best seller and win literary prizes. No shame in falling short of those goals, but striving for excellence will help with the erotic part of the literotica as well as the literary part. Rant over.

Not a very good start, is it?

And it only gets worse. Much, much worse.

Great effort would seriously like sequels please. Keep it up.

Seriously, get an editor.

Wasn't long enough.