My Journey Ch. 07 - Katherine

***

I was selected to attend C4 in June. I will freely admit it was one of the most arduous, physically and mentally challenging three weeks of my life. I am not absent minded nor am I unknowing, but damn that Texas heat kicked my ass.

When I got home Mary Beth and I had a wonderful weekend and started making a list of places to go for a getaway weekend, just the two of us. I had some leave, vacation time, built up but I wanted to ensure I worked things around her schedule.

What I hadn't suspected was the trouble brewing in the ICU while I was away at C4. It seemed that when I did not move forward on the advances of Cpt. Phillips, she felt the need to speak out of turn, behind my back.

***

My first day back in the ICU after C4 was enjoyable. Michael was in classic form and was readily teasing everyone when he had the moment. I hadn't seen Cpt. Phillips but at one point Michael pulled me aside and asked what I had said or done to her. She seemed pretty pissy towards me. I shrugged it off and went about my day. I did notice on the schedule that she would be at the hospital tomorrow.

I had just finished with both of my patients when Maj. Palino asked for me to stop in and see him after shift. I acknowledged and let him know that I would be in as soon as I was finished with the change of shift report.

At the end of shift I made my way over to his office, knocked on the door and happened to see Cpt. Phillips in his office with him. Maj. Palino asked me to come in and have a seat. What transpired next is only describable as 'the worst day in my Army Nurse career.

I sat and listened to my new manager and Cpt. Phillips read me the riot act because I did not complete my ORB update nor did I get a new official DA photo taken. Several times the question came up about my commitment to my Army career and did I understand the importance of ensuring my records were up-to-date as far as my promotion was concerned.

Right at 2:45 I was dismissed, making my way to the garage and heading home. I thought I had heard Captain Phillips calling me by my first name as I was in the garage walking towards my car but I frankly ignored her and drove home.

Needless to say it wasn't a pleasant evening but I didn't share much with Mary Beth. I didn't want to be that kind of girlfriend that came home and complained about everything that happened in their job.

Mary Beth didn't deserve the shit attitude that I was in, I feigned not feeling well and went to bed early.

Cpt. Phillips and I continued to work together professionally but I never interacted with her outside of "The Palace" even after being invited to a few 'nights out'. I always declined when she was included.

There was a summer cook-out planned, a Hospital Fun Day held the week after the 4th of July. Everyone was invited to include families. I was going to stop over after I got off day shift but as I was heading that way, I saw Cpt. Phillips there with some other coworkers. I turned away as quickly as I could. I just didn't want to deal with the whole situation.

That day when I got home Mary Beth was still at work so I changed quickly and decided to go for a run trying to escape the stress that this had caused me. I knew I had done nothing wrong nor was there any type of infidelity towards Mary Beth but I had a sinking feeling in my heart I needed to have a conversation with her.

***

In mid-October, we spent six wonderful days and nights near the Outer Banks. We rented a little house three blocks off the beach. On the last night of the trip, like the previous evenings, we sat next to each other on the beach, wrapped in a blanket.

The cool ocean breeze blew the sand onto our exposed legs and faces. It was then I made a statement but asked a very complex question.

"I am twenty-seven years old now. I am pretty stable in my career as a nurse. You are the same age and as well are doing amazing in your job and in your career."

I paused and took her hand in mine, "What would you think if I were to get pregnant?"

I paused again, "I want to have a family; with you." I leaned over and gently kissed her lips.

Mary Beth unwrapped her arm from around me, letting the blanket fall to the ground and stood. She stepped in front of me, held out her hands, assisting me to stand. She kissed me deeply, and still had yet to respond. She bent down and picked up the blanket.

She led us, walking hand in hand back to the house. Mary Beth led us straight back to the bedroom after dropping our beach blanket on the entrance flower. She started kissing me, and I responded similarly.

As our now naked bodies became one, not only sexually making love, it was very emotional, sensual and meaningful. Afterwards we cuddled, her head on my chest, just on the cusp of falling asleep, Mary Beth raised her head and kissed my cheek.

"Kathie, what if we were pregnant together?" She questioned.

My eyes flew open in surprise! I rolled over kissing her all over smiling and crying at the same time. Promising we would figure it out.

Rejuvenated in the depth of love I had for her, we made love again, filling our senses, sharing some of the more intimate, romantic and loving moments yet in our relationship.

There were some many unasked and yet unanswered questions. We were filled with anticipation but still smiling knowing the challenges and questions that we would face by making this decision. Only a few, my parents and maybe Rich and Jilla, would know the truth.

On the drive back to our apartment in Silver Spring, MD we not only held hands but we talked about our dreams of being mothers and what it would mean to my father and mother, or as Mary Beth refers to them as, Michael and Frances, making them grandparents for our babies.

When we got home, we put away the sun in the fun for one another year but that spirit never left, every moment of everyday even through those horrible winter months and bitter cold runs kept up loving, warm inside and deeper in our commitment to each other.

Mary Beth deserved some well needed time off over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday but I worked. I worked simply to give our married soldiers the time off. Mary Beth supported me and understood never questioning my work schedule.

Because of my schedule and how it rotated there were days during the week that Mary Beth was at work and I was off. I spent most of that time in the hospital library starting some initial research into the successes of in vitro fertilization.

***

It was the week before Christmas when Mary Beth and I had our first real family conversation about a family, my career, her career and the potential of us moving. It got a little heated, not argumentative. But there were many new and different emotions and points made.

I changed the topic as quickly as I could share what I had learned about in vitro fertilization, the steps and outcomes. We even started talking about the potential of sperm donors and the pros and cons. We eventually agreed that our donor needed to be anonymous, unknown to us, but we would use the same for both of our babies.

I avoided my career conversation with Mary Beth as long as I could. Unknown to me, only a week later, my career and its status sort of came crashing down on me again. The anguish was caused by the conversation I was required to have with Maj. Palino.

Mary Beth and I ended up having our first argument since that December day all those years ago. I was on the afternoon shift and had met with Maj. Palino; he was pressing me in the process of updating my ORB and was getting a photo taken for the Captain Promotion board. I was truly at a turning point in my life if I was going to make the Army a career or resign my commission after these four years.

Mary Beth and I eventually worked through the challenges. She convinced me that I needed to try and make the Army a career. I could then follow her career using my skills in Nursing when I retired.

She was so insightful. There was an overage of nurses in the market at that point. She had shared with me an article where education programs were considering closing the nursing program as there was an abundance of RN's still looking for work.

I resigned myself to the fact I would get my records updated, get my hair trimmed and have a new DA photo taken.

In what I believe was by pure coincidence I took my lunch break after another quick chat with Maj. Palino about my records. He was asking when I had set my appointment for the review which I explained I was doing in a few days and would be completed before New Year's and the January 15th cutoff. I was dismissed and went down to the hospital cafeteria. As I was sitting there enjoying my salad, I saw Col. Bland and Maj. Peterson in a conversation on the other side of the room. He saw me and smiled nodding to me.

When they finished their conversation Col. Bland made his way over to me. What he said next to me shook me to my core.

"Lieutenant, it's great to see you. I have heard great things as to what you are doing upstairs. I am wondering if have you updated your official file for the promotion board coming up in March. Seems like you have a great shot at being selected "below the zone this year." He smiled and simply walked away.

I sat there stunned, I didn't know what to say or what to feel. I needed guidance but the one I trusted had betrayed me. I wasn't certain if I could trust her again. I finished my lunch then went back to caring for my patients. I looked at the schedule and confirmed that she was working with me for the next few days. I would run into her seeking her guidance.

***

March 1988

I had made my way back to the day shift after a couple of days off completing the two weeks of midnight shifts that had me nervous as I had some very difficult patients. Mary Beth and I had spent a couple really nice days together as the late winter and early spring weather was not too bad for being outside.

We had actually taken a short drive disappearing for two nights visiting Old Colonial Williamsburg. Mary Beth felt that I needed a break and needed a little bit of time just to relax, she and I.

I got to the hospital right around 5: 45 and got myself settled, storing my personal stuff in the locker in the nurse's lounge. I made a fresh pot of coffee and then went out to meet with the Night Shift nurses to start our turnover and chart review. Sadly, I still had some of those difficult patients to take care of today. I knew the treatment plan and was familiar with them.

It was sad because they were still here, one was a cardiac patient that had had a rather major surgery and the other had had some other significant injuries from a training accident. He was recovering from his surgeries. It was around 9:15 after I had checked on my patients and I was heading out to the Nurse's Station to enter their information into the computer records when I noticed the entire staff standing around the Nurse's Station.

Col. Sandbury, Maj. Palino, followed by Cpt. Phillips and Cpt. Anderson walked out of the ICU Manager office, each holding a few pieces of paper. I noticed Cpt. Phillips was holding a green plastic bound folder that is typically used for presentation of awards. Everyone around the area grew quiet waiting for Col. Sandbury and Maj. Palino to speak.

"Lieutenant Dougherty, please join us up front here standing beside us. I was shocked! I thought to myself "What is this about?"

Then Col. Sandbury said, "It is on days like today that I truly appreciate the opportunity to be the leader of the nurses in our hospital. Today we are able to recognize a wonderful professional, a skilled and talented nurse, dedicated to our profession as well as an officer committed to the Army Nurse Corps.

Maj. Palino said, "Publish the orders." Everyone including me snapped to the position of attention.

"Attention to Orders. The President of the United States acting upon the recommendation of the Secretary of the Army has placed special trust and confidence in the patriotism, integrity, and abilities of First Lieutenant Katherine A Dougherty. In view of these special qualities and her demonstrated potential to serve in the higher grade, Lieutenant Dougherty is promoted to the permanent rank of Captain, United States Army Nurse Corps, Regular Army. Effective this day, March 31, 1988. Signed by and authorized by the Secretary of the Army."

Everyone around broke out in applause as Maj. Palino and Cpt. Phillips pinned my new Captain bars on my blue scrubs. Pictures were taken and hands shaken. Cpt. Phillips made a quick announcement where she said how proud she was to serve with me as a nurse. Truly her words brought tears to my eyes.

A cake was brought out of the lounge area by Michael; he was such a sweet man doing this. I promised to pay him back. The team wanted to hear me say a few words but I simply thanked my parents, my mentors, everyone present and a few special friends that kept me motivated.

After a few more moments and after congratulations and pleasantries were exchanged we went back to our lives taking care of our patients. That is truly who we were here for. That afternoon our shift ended and I had finished my change report. I emptied my locker and was heading down the hallway to the elevator when I saw Cpt. Phillips waiting for me.

"Katherine", she called out. "May I have a moment please?"

I nodded, "Yes ma'am." We waited for the elevator and rode together down to the parking garage.

Once on the bottom floor, three other people including Tabatha and I stepped out. I headed left towards my Jeep; I knew she was behind me. When I felt we were a safe distance from the others I stopped and turned around looking at her. There was anger still building up inside of me that rekindled that short ride down to the bottom floor.

"I trusted you as my mentor. I needed you as my mentor but for some reason last year you threw me under the bus." I paused, "I was never so embarrassed that day with Maj. Palino."

I looked right at her and maintained the frustration without acting out. I simply said to her, "I still don't know why you did that to me." I felt slightly better but this still didn't solve the issue at hand.

"It's because you love another and I can't have you. I am jealous. Forgive me Katherine." She lowered her head in defeat. "She is very lucky to have you. How long have you two been in love?"

My eyes wide and I guessed my expression got the best of me. I was shocked. How did she know? How did she figure this out? How is this going to affect me now I lowered my head?

"Tabitha, I beg you not to say anything. Please! I can't..." Tears welled up in my eyes.

I felt her gentle hand rest on my shoulder. I raised my head and looking in her face I saw the tears in her eyes as tears welled up in mind. We stood there for a couple moments not saying anything but Tabatha broke the silence.

"It's okay, I won't say anything as you and I both know we are very alike. I told you that well over a year ago. Do you remember when I said we would get along very well?"

I reflected and remembered. She was right, I knew she was at least bisexual and I would never say anything. I was shocked with her next statement.

"Maybe I can have you both over to my house for dinner." She smiled and continued, "She must be an amazing woman. It's hard finding someone to love and care for people like us. Just think about it. Discuss it with her and let me know."

She took both of my hands into hers and asked, "Please its hard being so alone without friends, without love. Consider it?"

I was mesmerized, shocked and frankly still stunned. I could only nod. I tried to whisper and speak but nothing came out. She squeezed my hands, let go then turned away over her shoulder saying, "Same time tomorrow CAPTAIN!"

When I got home it was just before 3:00 and Mary Beth would not be home for at least a couple hours. I decided to change my clothes and throw on a long sleeve shirt, my running bra and some shorts and I took to the road. Forty-five minutes later I return to the apartment jumping in the shower and letting the warm water rinse the stress and the sweat from my hair, my clothes and my body.

I grabbed a glass of water, started marinating some chicken and threw a few potatoes in the oven. I went and turned on the radio, DC 101.1 of course, the music just vibrated in my mind and soul. I heard the front door open. I got up off the couch and walked out to meet Mary Beth. I took a deep breath as I knew this would be an extremely difficult conversation but she needed to know everything.

Is this her usual Mary Beth went back and changed into our house uniform. It was still early so she had also put on a pair of shorts. In the meantime I finished preparing our dinner and poured a few glasses of wine for us. When Mary Beth came out I handed her a glass of wine and shared with her that there were a few things after dinner I wanted to talk to her about.

We had a nice relaxing dinner of baked potatoes, baked chicken and cauliflower. When we were finished, I cleaned up the dishes and then joined Mary Beth on the couch.

I started the conversation the only way I really knew how. I sat next to her on the couch. I kissed her cheek and said, "I love you more than even and have loved you since before I realized it. You are mine; mine alone now and until the end of eternity."

I turned sideways holding her hands and told her everything. I told her about Tabatha. I told her about Tabatha's advances, about Tabitha's comments, about her touches and how I rebuked them at every point knowing that she, Mary Beth, was the only woman I ever wanted or needed or would ever have.

I told her how this ate at my core and how stressed I was and how guilty I felt. I started to cry and repeated to Mary Beth that I felt like I was cheating on her. I told her how I pushed back and refuted every step of the way. I held her hands tightly and I told her how much I loved her and begged for her forgiveness.

I continued and told her about my promotion and what that meant for my career but then I told her about what happened in the garage earlier today and how Tabatha knew of our relationship and that I am a lesbian.

I then told Mary Beth how Tabitha wanted to meet her and I never answered. I just walked away.

"Mary Beth, I am a fool. I love you more than you know but I am so, so sorry. Will you ever forgive me?"

Now when I share with you that I have the greatest girlfriend in the world, those aren't just words. She is the greatest ever in her words, feelings, and actions but it is truly by her actions where I see how fortunate and loving she is.

Mary Beth took my hands and hers and gently held them and said to me, "You are my past, my present, my future, and my forever."

She smiled then continued, "Your simple action alone of coming to me and talking to me strikes to the core of the trust, love, understanding, and solid foundation of our relationship and one day, when allowed, our marriage."

I pulled her close to me asking her to please cuddle with me on the couch saying I still just needed to hold her as the tears flowed down my face onto her cami. It was as if her camisole was catching them and holding them safe and secure liken to our commitment to each other solidifying it even more.

It was right around 8:45 when I said to her that I knew it was early but I felt I needed to turn in for the night. I wanted to try and get a good night's sleep for work tomorrow. We got up from the couch, turned off the lights and headed back to our bedroom. As we crawled into bed Mary Beth lay with her head on my chest and her special little nook and reassured me that she believed in me and she trusted me.

I was nodding off and we lay there, just being together, lovers, never closer. The tenderness in her hands was extra special and loving. She pressed against me. I could feel the heat against my thigh.