My Korean Christmas Prince Ch. 07

I usher her in, but when I turn to the living room to tell Yeong-soo he's nowhere in sight.

"I am so sorry to be intruding on your Christmas Day, but I'm from the production team of the movie he's shooting," Gabriella explains. "They sent me to come get Mr. Kim as soon as the roads were clear enough. We can't thank you enough for helping Mr. Kim and giving him a place to stay."

"It was my pleasure," I say awkwardly, feeling a blush rising to my cheeks at the vast understatement of that phrase.

"I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to give you more notice that I was on my way. I left some voice messages, but Mr. Kim said that cell phone reception is poor in this area," Gabriella continues in her same intense and business-like manner.

"Uh, that's fine. Um, yes, that's right. I'll just, uh, go and see if he's, uh, ready to go." Completely caught off guard by the whole situation and feeling somehow like I'd been caught in the act of being close to Yeong-soo or something, I finish my awkward reply and turn to walk down the hall before remembering to point her towards the living room and tell her she should sit anywhere she likes.

I check my watch and it's just around 9:30. Oh, damn, I really did oversleep. I can't remember the last time I'd gotten up this late. I knock on the door to Yeong-soo's room and hear a distant voice telling me to come in. Yeong-soo is in the bathroom putting the finishing touches on his hair. It looks like he's washed his face too, and his cute "just woken up" face that I feel privileged to have seen even once has been completely replaced. In the morning light he looks radiant and every inch the superstar he is.

"There's someone here to pick you up," I say in a subdued tone, now that the realization has sunk in. I watch Yeong-soo move from the bathroom to the bedroom and begin packing his things.

"Yes, I heard what she said. I'm sorry I have to leave so suddenly," Yeong-soo says frowning as he works.

"I was thinking I would be driving you back, but I guess, of course they would send someone for you." I try to hide my disappointment, but now that we only have minutes left I feel overwhelmed by the million things I still want to say to him, very little of which I can actually say.

I watch Yeong-soo mutely, and it doesn't take long at all for him to finish. Too soon, too soon, it's all happening too fast. I feel cheated that we didn't get to at least spend a final morning together. Why couldn't we have had that at least? It's so unfair. Everything about this is so damn unfair. In what seems like mere seconds Yeong-soo is done and he turns to face me.

We stare at each other in silence, neither of us apparently knowing how to begin. We both start to speak at the same time and then smile wanly, and then I gestures for him to go first.

"Thank you so much for letting me stay here," Yeong-soo says, his voice full of sincerity. "I don't know what I would have done without you. But even more than that... I had an amazing time. I will never forget it. You are... such a wonderful person. I hope we can keep in touch. Oh, I don't think I've gotten your number yet."

We put our heads close together to put the other's number into our phones, although I'm sure that we both know it's not going to do us any good. When we're done I grip my phone tightly in my hand, as if in doing so I could keep Yeong-soo for even just a minute longer. But at the same time part of me just wants to get this goodbye over and done with as soon as possible, before I lose control of myself. It's inevitable, and it's painful. But there's still more I want to say, no, need to say to this man who has touched my life, Yeong-soo.

"I'm the one who should be thanking you," I say stepping back so I can look at him properly. "Without you, it could've been years before I found that box my parents had been keeping. You've given me my life back. Really. So, thank you."

"How are you feeling now?" he asks. I'm touched that even in the midst of our good-byes Yeong-soo is still concerned about me.

"It was a big shock. It's still going to take me time to process it, but I think I have some sense of closure now, that I didn't have before, you know?"

Yeong-soo nods. "That's great," he says. He looks as if he wants to say something more, but he doesn't.

Before I can think twice about it, I blurt out the question that has been preying on my mind.

"So... your proposal is tonight?" I ask Yeong-soo.

Yeong-soo nods a little uncomfortably. "It was supposed to be yesterday, but now it would be today. The press release is ready to go, just as soon as it becomes official." He looks away from me, but then looks back with more strength in his eyes. "But you've given me a lot to think about. I know for certain now that I'm gay. And you've shown me how to be strong and true to yourself, even it means possibly losing... everything. That's another thing I have to thank you for." He pauses and then begins tentatively. "Last night..." he starts to say, but I'm embarrassed and sure that he's going to say something about how I threw myself at him and ruin my perfect memory of it, and that's really not what I want our last conversation to be, so I cut him off.

"Let's not talk about it," I say hurriedly. "We were both tired and had probably drunk too much, and I'd gone through a lot yesterday, with my parents and everything. Can we both just forget about anything that happened?" It's hard enough to say goodbye as it is, I think to myself.

"Oh. Yes," Yeong-soo says looking uncertain. "Of course. If that's what you want."

We lapse into silence still facing each other, and I'm keenly aware of every second that passes by. But somehow it seems like we're still not ready to say that final goodbye.

"Gabriella is waiting," I say trying to do the right thing, even though it feels like I have to forcibly drag every syllable out of my throat.

"Yes," Yeong-soo says, still not moving and still looking at me. Then, still with that uncertain look in his eyes he says a bit shyly, "Can I... have a goodbye hug?"

"Yes," I breathe out, and it's like we're sprinters at the start of a race as I immediately lunge towards him to close the distance between us, Yeong-soo doing the exact same. We collide in the middle and wrap our arms around each other, holding each other tightly, so tightly it almost hurts, as if holding on to each other is a matter of life and death, and both of us are trembling. I feel like I'm near to tears and I don't want this hug to end, but I know it has to. I know it has to.

Eventually I release Yeong-soo from my arms, and he does the same, and I can see that his eyes are shining with moisture, just like mine.

"Come on," I say trying to steady the quiver in my voice and be responsible enough for the both of us. No sense in dragging this out further, I think to myself. It's over. It's all over.

Yeong-soo nods, stops a moment as if to compose himself for his public, and slowly picks up his bag and follows me out.

Out in the living room Gabriella is still standing near the front door waiting patiently.

"Hello, I'm Kim Yeong-soo," Yeong-soo says with his megawatt smile and which I now recognize is his public Prince Charming face. It's completely different from his beautiful real smile, the one that I've gotten to know and love over the past two days. I've gotten to know the real Kim Yeong-soo, I think to myself, and the thought is a small comfort.

"Hello, Mr. Kim! I'm Gabriella, from the production team. I'm so happy to meet you," Gabriella gushes briefly, but then gets back to business and explains something to Yeong-soo about the condition of the roads or how long the drive will be or the shooting schedule or whatever, but I'm not really listening.

"Can I get you a coffee or anything?" I ask them abruptly, thinking in the back of my mind that this might be some way to prolong Yeong-soo's stay, even though I know that at this point the sooner he's gone the better, but they both shake their heads no anyway. Another thought strikes me as they move towards the front door. "Yeong-soo," I say, reaching into the closet and pulling out what now I will only ever be able to see as his coat and his scarf and gloves. "It's still cold out. You should take these." I hand the clothes to Yeong-soo and he reaches for them automatically.

"Oh, but you've already done so much for me..." he says in feeble protest.

"I insist," I say immediately overruling him. "They can be... a little something to remember me by," I say lightly, hyper conscious of Gabriella's presence right in front us.

Yeong-soo puts the coat on and holds the hat and gloves tightly. "Thank you," he says, looking me straight in the eyes, and it's like I can almost hear multiple layers of meaning within that one simple phrase. "Oh, but I don't have anything to give you," he says, a note of worry in his voice.

"Don't worry about it. It's your Christmas present," I say, recalling again what day it is. "I don't need anything in return."

"Oh, yes, right. It's Christmas," Yeong-soo says. "Merry Christmas, Caleb."

"Merry Christmas, Yeong-soo."

Hoping that Gabriella didn't notice the tremor in my voice and feeling her observant eyes on us, I can only reach out my hand to Yeong-soo and say casually, "Bye. Good luck with the movie, and everything."

"Thank you. You too." Yeong-soo's hand is grasping mine, and in my overly romantic imagination I imagine it fits there perfectly. But then Gabriella has opened the front door and is leading him away from me and our hands separate for the last time.

"'Bye," I say one more time as they reach the car.

"'Bye," Yeong-soo says turning back to look at me. He waves once more from inside the car as it starts to back up, but we're still looking at each other for as long as possible, and then the car has turned onto the road, and then in just a moment more it's out of sight.

My hand is still raised and frozen in its goodbye pose like some kind of sad Asian good luck cat, but I realize I'm letting in the cold air and Rosie is by my side and looking up at me quizzically, so I slowly re-enter the house and shut the door, Rosie trotting just ahead of me.

And that, I think to myself, is how Kim Yeong-soo walked out of my life forever.

***

I close the front door and lean against it and slide down it until I'm sitting with my legs bent in front of me. It's happened. It's all over. He's gone for good. It looks like I'm crying now. Why am I crying? Why does my heart hurt so damn much?

This is what heartbreak feels like, I realize. My heart feels like it has literally broken. I put my head in my arms on my knees and let myself finally cry the tears that had been threatening all morning, even though I thought I didn't have any tears left after last night. Rosie leans against me and I rub her side. But finally when I'm all cried out I get up dully and start preparing for the day.

The daily grind of the farm is the thing that kept me going after my parents' death, kept me getting up in the morning and out of bed day after day after day. The animals have to be fed and cared for, and there's no getting around it. No matter what misery I felt then or what misery I'm feeling now, the chores have to be done, the chores always have to be done, rain or shine, in sickness or in health. So, much as I would prefer to just curl up under the covers and sleep the day away, I have to at least force my body to move, for better or worse.

Before Yeong-soo had left the time had flown by, as if the grains of sand were being sucked away by the force of a black hole. But now, it's the complete opposite, and the time moves at the... slowest... crawl... imaginable. I've finished the chores even before 1:00, and I force myself to stop for a lunch that I don't even taste. It doesn't take me even another couple of hours to finish the tasks that I'd been putting off during Yeong-soo's stay, and it's only around 4:00 before I'm done for the day and I stop to take a shower. Which leaves me too many hours left before bedtime to think about him and wallow in my misery.

It's ridiculous, but everything I see around the farm now reminds me of Yeong-soo. The sheep. A set of work overalls. A snow shovel. When I pass by Keanu the snowman on the way into the house I feel a burst of emotions that runs both hot and cold. Warm affection for the time I'd gotten to spend with Yeong-soo, but then also irrational anger and self-pity at how little time we'd had. I almost want to kick the snowman down, as if it were his fault that Yeong-soo had left, but I force myself to show some maturity and restraint.

He should've gotten to Silver Falls well before noon. It's just as well that the Internet service is terrible here, because otherwise I would've spent the day in front of my computer hitting the refresh button on multiple news sites, sheep be damned, waiting for that damn press release to be come out, for the engagement to be made public. But maybe he's going to wait until the evening. A romantic proposal under the stars on Christmas night with the beautiful Min Yu-jin...

I realize I'm torturing myself, but I can't help it. What little I had in the way of willpower to get me through today has been completely spent. I can't even be bothered trying to force myself to eat dinner. And even though I know it's probably going to do the opposite of alleviate any of my suffering, I spend the rest of the evening parked in front of the Christmas tree, just staring at it. As if it's going to have any answers. As if Yeong-soo is just going to magically appear, just by my wishing it.

Looking up at that wooden ornament with my parents' and my names and at the star at the top of the tree, I do feel a tiny bit of comfort. I meant what I had said to Yeong-soo, that he had given me my life back. Finding that box had reconnected me with my parents and finally broken the seemingly endless cycle of self-recrimination that I'd been living for so many years.

Except now I had a new cycle of feelings, a new whirlpool to drown in. Maybe Yeong-soo didn't want me. Maybe I just wasn't good enough for him. Maybe he would want someone much better looking than me, or more successful, or a fellow celebrity. Maybe I'd been too clingy to him last night. Maybe I thought he'd liked me more than he actually did. Maybe I'd imagined the whole thing between us and he'd actually been creeped out by me and was just being polite the whole time...

But no. I refused to believe all of that. Clingy, maybe, sure. But there was no denying the chemistry we'd had, our mutual attraction. It could've been seen from space, it was that real and that clear. I hadn't imagined that at least. And plus, for Yeong-soo to want a hug from me before he left. Having lived in Asia I knew that a hug was a very rare, very intimate act, an act reserved for only close friends. Another tiny comfort.

Dumb cliches from movies or books I can't even remember circle around my brain on repeat. "Sometimes you meet the right people at the wrong time." "Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." "If you love someone, let them go." What a load of bullshit.

Rosie and Sonia have been keeping me company in my misery, and I notice Rosie's ears prick up before I hear it: the sound of a vehicle coming up the gravel driveway again. Even though my heart is in the process of doing about a hundred somersaults in my chest, I refuse to get my hopes up and I stay seated. I check my watch. It's around 8. It must be Aaron's mom or some other well-wisher, come to give their lonely neighbor a little Christmas greeting. It's happened before, other years.

There's a knock on the door, and with legs like jelly I get up to answer it.

And there in front of me is Yeong-soo.

I have to blink multiple times to make sure that I'm not actually dreaming, but it's really him. Looking more distracted and agitated and more jumpy than I think I've ever seen him, but it's definitely him. It's definitely Yeong-soo.

"Can I come in?" he says in a hurried and husky voice.

I'm so shocked to see him that I can't do anything more than nod silently and motion him in.

Yeong-soo rushes in, slips off his shoes and hat and gloves, and then turns to me. I notice he's still wearing the coat I'd given him, and that makes me feel like it's a good sign, although I don't know what it would be a good sign for. I can't imagine what Yeong-soo is doing here or what he's going to say next.

"I couldn't do it," is what he says. "I couldn't go through with the proposal."

My eyes must be popping out of my head at this news and surely my jaw has dropped to the floor, but I still don't know what to make of Yeong-soo's sudden appearance.

Somehow I've steered us back to the living room, and there Yeong-soo has taken off the coat and speaks in a clipped voice. "All day today I was thinking, I don't know what love is, not really. Even though I've played being in love many times, people say love like that only exists in dramas or movies, or fairy tales, that it doesn't exist in real life. But the time we've spent together, and then when you were next to me last night..." Yeong-soo's eyes look full of emotion and his voice is thick. "All I know is that I've never felt anything like that before in my entire life."

"Me neither," I whisper, still unsure and fearful of where this is all going.

Yeong-soo nods, but his accompanying smile is a little grim.

"But I already told you, I can't just give up my whole career just based on two days. You can understand that, can't you?"

"Yes," I say, but now I'm letting some of my impatience and frustration show. If he was just going to come here to say the same thing he'd already said, whether or not he got engaged today, why did he come at all? Why is he messing with my emotions like this? "I already said that yesterday. Yeong-soo, why are you here?"

"Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm explaining this all badly," Yeong-soo says apologetically. "Caleb," he says, grabbing my hands in both of his before I can think to move, "do you like me?"

"Yes, of course I do," I say more snappishly than I'd intended. I look down at our hands and make a half-hearted move to pull my hands away. "Who wouldn't?"

"And I like you. A lot. More than anyone I've ever met. But I don't know what love is, and I don't know if what I'm feeling for you right now is going to last another day, or another week, or a month, or a year. Do you?"

"No, of course not."

"But I want to find out. I can't give you up, not until we've at least tried to get to know each other better. Even if it's hard to figure out the logistics, or avoid the paparazzi, or whatever. I think it's worth the two of us trying at least, right?"

I want to agree with Yeong-soo wholeheartedly, especially in the face of his contagious optimism and with his hands holding mine so firmly, but all of his previous qualms are still fresh in my mind.

"But what about your career?" I ask him, pointing out the obvious. "Wouldn't you have to give it all up... to be with me?"

Yeong-soo stops and takes a deep breath and then continues. "Yes. I would have to give it up. But if what I'm feeling for you continues, and if you still want to be with me, then I would do it. I came here after I made that decision. I want us to date, and I knew I couldn't lead you on, that it wouldn't mean anything if I wasn't ever going to be able to fully commit to you. To a relationship in public, not in secret, that would be no way to live. To be with you publicly. And if it means possibly having to give up acting to live on a farm in Wisconsin, then so be it. To me, a relationship with someone I really, truly loved... It would be worth it."

Yeong-soo adds, "I would never be able to come out just to be true to myself, at all costs. I'm not as strong as you. But I could do it *for* someone I feel for the way I feel about you. I promise you, if there comes a point in time where we decide we want to be together long term, I will announce that I'm gay to the world, and then whatever happens to my career, happens."