My letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I knew something was wrong Christmas morning when I looked under the tree and found four wrapped boxes all from you. As you know, what I asked for was an x-box and if that was not a possible then some socks.

Instead what I got was a box of that appears to medical waste from Bulgaria, a box of dog food even though I don't have any pets, a box of black tar heroin, and another human head. Stop dumping this disgusting filth at my house Santa. The first year with the human head was bad enough, but this is the third year in a row. Where are you even getting these things?

Then there is the shape-shifting assassin that took the form of Emma Watson. I woke up last night to naked Emma Watson sucking my dick. Her little nipples were hard as rocks as she licked her tongue up and down my shaft.

I immediately rolled her over on her back. I stood at the base of the bed, put her ankles up over her head, and plunged, balls deep, into her clean-shaven pussy.

I took her rough for a few minutes, enjoying the way her tits jiggled like little bowls full of jelly with every one of my powerful thrusts.

I start spanking her ass as I thrust into her, enjoying the sound of the slaps echoing off the walls of my apartment. Soon my red hand print is on her bare bottom.

My other hand is around her throat, I gently squeeze, letting her know that I am the man, the boss, her new master.

I could feel my balls boiling when she, out of no where, kicks me in the face. The next thing I know, she has shape shifted into a large, well muscled, black guy. I'm face down against some pillow with your freak shape-shifter sodomizing my virgin ass hard.

I know I didn't ask for BBC this or any other Christmas.

I scream "Alexa, call the police!". I know I have you now, you fat asshole. I'll have your shape-shifting freak arrested for rape. She puts me in a sleeper hold and when I come to she is gone.

What I didn't know was as soon as the police got there, she stole my gun, shape shifts into my naked form, knocked the cop out before stealing the his car with him locked in the backseat, then spent half the morning driving around town firing my handgun out the car window at random people walking their pets. All while still in my form.

I also didn't know your assassin freak was video recording the whole big black guy up my ass thing. Or that somehow you made copies and left them as stocking stuffers for my boss and others.

So yeah, I admit that sending those nude pics of my ex-girlfriend to her boss, coworkers, and family a few years ago was juvenile. I was wrong for doing so. I should also point out that it was 99% her own fault, she chose to start seeing other people after we broke up. She knows I have a temper and chose to start dating other people anyway, she should have known how angry that would make me.

What does it matter to you anyway. I get that you now have a 'nice' list, a 'naughty' list, and a 'douchebag' list. But who are you to decided I'm a douchebag just because sent her nude pics to everyone she knows.

And maybe I was also wrong last year when I threatened to come to the north pole and kill all the rain deer and Mrs. Claus in front of you if you didn't take me off the douchebag list. But that was no reason to start writing on the wall of whatever room I was sleeping in. If you write 'I know where and when you're sleeping, douchebag' on my bedroom walls again, in rain deer feces or anything else, and you'll be even more sorry than you can imagine.

I have spend six hours in police custody, trying to explain the human head or the other two I had to bury in my yard from before, all the heroin, the gay sex tape, how it was not really me who ambushed and kidnapped that police officer before shooting up the town.

I'm coming for you Santa, as soon as I'm out of prison. The north pole is not big enough for you to run or hide. I might be on your douchebag list, but you are number one on my list of people I want dead