My Life Ch. 04

When I didn't respond, she continued, "I watched Kyle grow up and saw the struggles he went through in high school, but there wasn't much I could do to help him then. Since I'm a lawyer by profession I did help him get out of a few legal scrapes when he was growing up; but I didn't get involved too much."

"She kept me out of juvy," Kyle threw in.

I'd heard my brothers talk about kids being sent to juvenile hall when they got into trouble, so I had a pretty good idea that's what juvy meant.

"But once Kyle turned eighteen and he was free from his dad I took a more active role in his life."

"She saved my life," Kyle said seriously.

Miriam didn't look like she agreed but she went on, "You see, Kyle is what we refer to as a Dom, short for a Dominant."

I felt a little light headed at Miriam's directness as she spoke and the feeling that this all wasn't simply a game felt embedded a little deeper. I had read so many stories about this kind of thing online, but in the back of my mind I guess I only really thought of it as contrived or pretend. Miriam, however, was the real thing—and so was Kyle. This wasn't a game to them. I felt a little shaky.

Kyle was instantly by my side and wrapped one arm around my shoulders. He grasped my chin in his hand and forced me to meet his gaze, "Jillian, please trust me right now. This will be a lot to take in, but you will learn a lot and I think that, if you'll allow yourself to be open to us, you'll get a lot of questions answered. Questions you've probably had for a long time. Questions you've probably never imagined asking anyone."

The nervous energy that had exploded inside of me didn't exactly go away, but I couldn't help but feel secure with Kyle holding me as he was. I was bouncing my knees nervously under the table and Kyle placed a hand on them, forcing me to try and relax.

Once Miriam saw that I wasn't going to do a runner she said, "I love the name Jillian, by the way."

"My full name is Jillian Aimee, but my brother's always called me Jamiee and it kind of stuck," I said, sounding nervous even to myself.

Miriam smiled and continued, "I am also a Dominate within our community, and I'm a type of mentor to Kyle."

I didn't know what to say so I just listened.

"You know, Jamiee," she changed directions, "If you feel safe enough talking to me, I would like to ask Kyle to go away for a while and give us girls a chance to talk."

"Only if you're okay with it," added Kyle quickly. He glanced at Miriam in a way that made me feel like they'd already discussed him leaving me to talk to her alone.

I still felt a nervous knot in my stomach but I knew Kyle would be close so I nodded, "I'm fine."

Kyle gave me a quick hug and got up to leave, but Miriam asked, "Do you have a bottle of sherry you could leave with us?" Kyle went through the kitchen, grabbed a couple of glasses and a bottle of what I guessed was the sherry Miriam had requested and then headed upstairs.

Miriam poured a small amount in both glasses and then took a quick sip of hers, "Have you had Sherry before?"

I shook my head but lifted my glass to smell the liquid inside. It wasn't revolting by any means but I had almost no experience with any kind of alcohol.

"I've tried to teach Kyle about some of the finer things in life, sadly wines or any drink besides a bottle of beer doesn't seem to hold much interest for him," she laughed lightly.

I took a sip and found it pleasant enough.

"Okay, so Kyle called me a few days ago to tell me that he had met someone—yes, that someone would be you, little one."

What was it with everyone calling me "little one" lately? I mean I know I'm too short and a little too skinny, but little one wasn't something I'd ever been called until a week ago, and now I was hearing it all the time. But maybe the stranger thing to ask myself was why did I suddenly like the term of endearment?

"And he was terrified."

"Kyle? Terrified?" I couldn't picture that.

"Yes, terrified, because Kyle hasn't been very successful with his relationships in the past, and he's afraid one with you will end up being another chapter in his book of failed relationships."

I shook my head, feeling guilty for playing a game that could end up hurting Kyle. This wasn't going to end well and I seemed to be digging myself into a deeper and deeper pit.

"I know you have a hundred things going through you head right now, Jamiee—"

"—a thousand," I spoke, "and you can call me Jillian if you want. I don't mind."

Miriam smiled again. Damn she was very attractive when she smiled. No, no, now is not the time to let my inner-lesbian flare up, I chided myself.

"Thank you, Jillian. Now, Kyle, I and quite a large group of others are part of a community, or an association of sorts. It's a group of like-minded people that gets together on occasion for various things, but mostly it's a network where people like us can feel safe and act on the things that most people would find, well, different."

"You mean it's a group of people that likes to tie each other up and shag," I said bluntly. I knew what this was all about and it was time to just be out with it. I felt defensive, on edge and even a little cynical at the moment.

Miriam let out a bloody laugh that shocked me it was so loud it made me sit back in my seat. She almost collapsed onto the table and laughed for several minutes. And for some stupid reason I found that very disarming.

"I would love to be your friend, Jillian. I like people who don't mince words and you got right to the heart of it."

I smiled at the compliment.

"But yes, basically it's a group of people that likes to, as you said, shag. But it's a lot more than that, too sweetheart. You see, there are some people that are predisposed to say, alcohol or gambling or maybe drugs. And when they use those substances or participate in whatever it is they do, they become heavily addicted and more often than not, their lives are ruined. Those who survive it usually need support groups and usually have to abstain from whatever their addiction is forever. If they go back for even a little bit they'll lose control and be lost again.

"So in a way we're our own support group, but we have tried to find a way to balance our inner demons in a way that allows us to live productive lives: happy lives."

I nodded slowly. This was interesting, "Inner demons?" I asked hesitantly.

"I have a feeling you know what I'm talking about, Jillian. So let me ask you, do you fantasize about being tied up?"

Reluctantly I said, "Yes,"

"Being spanked?"

I nodded, and could feel blood flooding my face.

"Don't be embarrassed child; how about being forced to be pierced or maybe even tattooed?"

I didn't answer, but I think Miriam already knew the answer.

"How about being owned, forced to do whatever task your master tells you to do?"

Again I held my silence but I didn't deny it either.

"Or being forced to wear a collar, not wear any clothes, and being told to sleep in a cage."

I held my tongue but my mind collected all of my fantasies and brought them to my mind's eye. I involuntarily shuddered as I thought about the things that Miriam had just mentioned: a shudder that Miriam didn't miss.

"Oh good girl," she purred. "You do. And you torture yourself trying to keep those feelings repressed, don't you?"

I gave a meek nod.

"And sometimes you let yourself entertain those thoughts a little too long and you find that they have grown stronger, and you can barely pull yourself away."

Again I nodded. She was closer than she knew, I first thought, but then realized, no, she knew exactly what she was talking about.

"And it scares you because you so want to act on those things, but you don't know how to without destroying everything around you."

Blimey this woman had to be a witch. How in the bloody hell...

"Am I close, Jillian Aimee?" she asked, pronouncing my name slowly.

I sighed, "Scarily so," I admitted.

Miriam put her hand on top of mine, it was warm to the touch and made me feel a close connection to her, "I know because we have all experienced the same thing. You're not alone, Jillian. And from the little Kyle has told me, you've already taken a step into the unknown, correct?"

Again I blushed as I thought about last night and what Kyle might have shared with her, but I answered, "Yes, he's sort of my Master now," I managed to say.

"Sort of?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that because I still felt like there was a way out and that I could stop playing this game and go home.

I sagged into my chair and a tear escaped the corner of my eye. Dammit, I wasn't going to cry, "I really do like Kyle," I finally said.

"But you haven't decided what you're going to do yet..." she left the sentence unfinished.

Silence lingered between us as Miriam let me think. The silence felt like a force itself that was pushing me to talk about something that I had never told anyone.

"This stays between us?" I asked.

"Absolutely," Miriam confirmed.

"And you won't tell Kyle, no matter what?"

"You have my word," she promised.

"Okay," I said, taking a deep breath, "I've always had weird thoughts about that stuff, you're right about that. But it wasn't until about a year ago that I started to really understand it—no, understand is the wrong word—more like... I don't know: I let myself be curious about those thoughts. And I started trying to read about it online."

"There's a lot of bad information on the internet, Jamiee."

"Yes of course, that's why this is all so bloody confusing. Is doing this stuff wrong, is it dangerous, is it even something other people want to do? Is it just a game people play to spice things up? Or do people really live like this all the time? If so, are there limits?" I could have gone on for several minutes now that the dam had burst, but I managed to stop before I embarrassed myself any further.

Miriam squeezed my hand, "Oh precious. You've been trying to figure this out all alone for a longtime."

I nodded vigorously and willed myself not to get emotional—okay, any more emotional, "Yes," I confirmed. "But the stuff I fantasize about is looney. I know it is. I mean if I did that stuff in real life people would think I was completely mental."

"But you've done some of that in the last few days, right?"

She had me there more-or-less, "Well yes, but it's a secret and I don't plan on telling anyone."

"Not even your roommate at school?"

I heard myself gasp, "Kyle told you about that."

"Yes Jamiee, I'm sorry if that was something that should have been kept in confidence. He was trying to help me understand that that he wasn't corrupting a complete innocent. I had his balls in a vice and I was about to cut them off when he showed me your picture. He wanted me to understand that, although very young, you've been trying to find answers about your sexuality for a long time now. This is why I wanted to meet you."

I took all that in and my anger faded, "I've never told Brooklyn about those fantasies," I admitted.

"Would you minds sharing the fantasy that you entertain the most?"

I laughed and closed my eyes. Was I really going to actually put voice to it? Again a long silence got to me and I spoke, "I'm never allowed to wear any clothes, and I have to wear a steel collar that can't be removed because it's permanent. I'm basically treated like a sex slave and forced to have sex with whomever I'm told. And there are usually multiple people involved. There's more detail to it of course, but that's the general idea."

Wow, I didn't burst into flames, I thought once I finished talking. I actually felt a little lighter—a little better.

"Thank you so much for trusting me enough to share that."

"Actually, that felt pretty good," I admitted. "I can't believe I just told you that."

"And I'm so happy that you did. Now let me ask you, if someone told you that you could do those things and lead a happy and productive life, would you be interested."

"Of course," I said a little too enthusiastically.

Miriam chuckled, "Well you can. That's what our little community is all about. We trust each other completely, we're very open with one another and we help each other live good lives while fulfilling our need to act out on our fantasies. So yes, we're a group of people that likes to tie each other up and shag,"

I laughed genially at her using my own words back at me. It was official, I liked Miriam very much.

"I would like to be your friend," I said truthfully.

"I'm happy to hear it, Jillian," she paused and then gave my hand a tighter squeeze. "And as your friend, I'm going to ask you to leave."

Wait, what? I sat in confused silence trying to make sure I had just understood her correctly.

"Did I shock you?" Miriam asked when I didn't respond.

"You want me to leave?" I asked pulling my hand back to myself.

Miriam gave me one of those it-pains-me-but-not-really smiles, "I do," she simply said.

"But why, I don't understand?"

"Of course you don't, Jillian. That's why you need some distance from this. You need some perspective."

What is this woman on about? Telling me she understood me and that there was a way I could be happy not suppressing my deepest secrets, and then just throwing a bucket of ice water over my head.

"So you just want to me leave Kyle? I don't think he wants me to go."

"You're absolutely correct on that, too."

I sighed in frustration, "What are you on about then, I don't understand a sodding thing here."

Miriam leaned forward and forced me to meet her gaze, "Listen to me carefully, Jillian. I have no doubt you and Kyle could live a happily together—for a while anyway. But what I told you about our community—the Lifestyle, isn't something to be taken lightly, and Kyle, as much as I love him, is just now beginning to understand this, or at least I thought he was."

I began to protest but she cut me off.

"I would love for you to join us. I would be so happy if you and Kyle were together. But look how quickly things have gone in just a few days. Kyle is jumping into this a thousand-miles-an-hour and you are still playing games and not sure what you want—which is okay, Jillian. You're still so young. You need to take time to figure things out, have a few boyfriends, and figure out what you want in life."

I squirmed in my chair and wished I wasn't here anymore. The last several days came crashing down me suddenly and I just wanted to run away and hide. What the hell was I thinking...?

I looked towards the door while Miriam was saying something about needing to take things slower and something about a foundation. But now I was just angry and not really listening. Oh I had really buggered things up this time, was the single thought that kept coming to mind.

The thought came to mind that maybe I should go talk to Kyle, but then I realized that the arsehole had brought over his would-be-mum to do his dirty work. That fucking wanker; he chats me up, gets off with me and then has his mum toss me out on my arse.

Well enough of this, I thought as I stood up and bolted for the door to the garage. I heard the posh bitch saying something about not listening, but I'd heard enough. I tore through the garage, grabbing my bike as I went. Not wanting to be seen riding down the street, I ducked between two houses and then moved through the neighborhood pushing my bike alongside. I didn't know where I was going; only that I needed to get away.

_-_

"She's not coming home," Kyle said to Miriam as they sat in his Jeep, waiting a block away from Jamiee's house for her to come home.

"At least not anytime soon," Miriam said, trying to stretch her long legs in the cramped Jeep's cabin. "I'm so sorry, Kyle. I didn't mean for her to run off like this—I only wanted her to—,"

"—I know," Kyle interrupted, "and you're right. I was letting things go too far too fast. This is my fault and I need to fix this."

Miriam looked over at Kyle, "Maybe you have grown up," she said and ran her hand through his short cropped hair.

"Obviously that's not true," he laughed sarcastically. "I seduced that poor girl and made a mess of things."

Miriam didn't respond right away, but eventually said, "You're not wrong about her."

Kyle looked to her, "What do you mean?"

"She is certainly has a submissive side to her, and I'm convinced that she'll never be happy in a vanilla relationship. But she's so young, Kyle. She doesn't know what she wants.

Kyle sat thoughtfully for a long moment, "Could it work with her? I mean really work, because I'm not going to hurt her or anyone else."

"You won't, Kyle. I won't let you... and yes, I think it could work out in the future. But you need to take it slowly. She's young and confused, and she probably has very few people in her life that she really trusts. I mean god, Kyle, you had her eating your cum off of your french toast already."

A tug pulled at the corners of Kyle's mouth as he recalled the memory, "I didn't really even push her," he commented casually.

"And that's why you have to be the responsible one. I'm sure you could probably get Jamiee to try just about anything, but then you'll end up with another failed relationship in your wake. We've talked about this before. It always starts off well—everything is all roses and merry-go-rounds, and then—"

"—everything goes to shit," Kyle finished. "I know, and I don't understand why. I mean with Rachel I could actually see it happening. It was like one day she just decided she didn't trust me anymore. I could feel her pulling away a little more each day, until one day..."

"Just slow down—get to know each other. Earn her trust and let her earn yours. You don't need to go so fast with her. It's not a competition."

Kyle nodded, "You're right," he agreed. I just need a chance to talk to her."

Miriam smiled knowingly and nodded, "Don't push her too fast—alright? Send her something nice, maybe a flower with a note, and then let her come to you."

Kyle released his grip on the steering wheel and let his hand fall to his lap, "Thanks Miriam, you've always been there for me. I hope you don't mind helping me one more time... there's something different about Jamiee..."

_-_

I watched Kyle's jeep leave before I dared get any closer to my house. This had already been probably the worst day of my life, and I just wanted it to end. Running into that wanker and his amazon vampire didn't sound like a good idea now, or ever for that matter.

I unlocked the front door and put my bike against the wall in the front entry. Mum would kill me if she saw it here. Argh! I screamed in my head. I knew I was being overly dramatic, but I deserved to be dramatic after a night like tonight. I was furious that Miriam pushed me out like that, pretending to be my friend, simply to tell me to leave Kyle alone. Thinking while I walked through the house I felt my thoughts growing more and more hostile toward Miriam: was I angry at her or myself?

Maximus was more than happy to be back inside the house and was wagging that little stub of a tail again so fast I thought it might break. I had a hot shower, climbed into my bed and tried to readThe Bone Clocksagain. But the book was taking a turn for the worse. I'm never reading that author again, I thought to myself as I closed the book and opened my laptop to check my emails.

Besides my mum sending about half-a-dozen emails wondering why I was never answering the phone, there was just junk. I stared at the screen until my vison became fuzzy and then I shook my head to focus again. I clicked onto my favorite Literotica website and picked up where I'd left off with one of the longer stories I'd been reading. Finishing the chapter I read a few of the comments below. They were mean, hurtful comments but it didn't seem to deter the author, she kept on posting chapter after chapter, and her writing was getting better as she practiced.