by Gauged
It was a good try for a first story. A little more buildup maybe. Don't listen to all
the A-holes that love to criticize but give no positive feedback . If you like to write keep trying if this is just a one-time thing then at least you did it
A bit quick on the build up but enjoyable nonetheless. I hope you keep going and maybe give us a glimpse of what their summer is like and develop the story from there.
One glaring issue was your constant shift between present and past tense.
Here's some advice.... stop writing in present tense and watch tense switches. Stay with one point-of-view.
The story was a bit hurried, but it could have been much better if you had read the draft before submitting. The spelling, punctuation and grammar errors made it hard reading.
It is a good story; but it could have been a great one.
Read the advice the others have given you.
Get someone to edit your work and carry on please.
Very good for a first attempt, and you've gotten some good advice. Your writing will improve if you follow the positive advice, all I can add is to say more detail in describing her, especially in the lingerie, less detail in dick measurements during sex; telling us it's X inches once is enough, at least in one paragraph. I look forward to reading what happened in summer (in the past tense only, as suggested by several others).
Editing needed but a good 1st attempt. A lot better than some who think they are experienced writers. I look forward to more of your work.
I hope you follow this up with a story about him getting his sister pregnant.