My Man, My Marine, My Lover! Pt. 02

I told her that I was worried that Brian was avoiding my calls. I was only able to speak with him once and even that was only for a minute or two. I also told her that his email responses were short and didn't sound at all like the Brian I knew and loved; she filled me in on a few things.

"Andrea, what did Brian say to you when you told him you were going to come down this week?" I could tell just from her question and the sound of her voice that she was trying to lead me somewhere.

"He said I should concentrate on school and my finals. He told me I didn't have to come down that he was fine and being well taken care of by everyone. Why do you ask?"

Janie and I had spoken several times in the last few days and we were immediately comfortable with each other. She knew that I was a student at PENN and I was getting my degree in Neuro-Psychology. She was aware that I had significant knowledge of and experience with head injury patients because of my research. I think that was why she was so honest and at times blunt with me. This was going to be one of her blunt conversations. I could just feel it.

"Andrea, Brian doesn't want you to come down to see him. In fact, he doesn't want anyone to visit him. He refused to talk to his mother on the phone today and had the corpsman tell her he wasn't feeling well. He's having a hard time dealing with his present situation and I believe he's getting a little depressed."

"Janie, Brian doesn't get depressed. He gets mad, he gets angry, and he even gets irate at times, but he has never been depressed. He does on occasion shut down if he needs time to think about things. Do you think that's what's happening? Has he just shut down for a while until he can deal with things better?"

"Well, you know him better than I do, so I suppose I could be reading him wrong. Maybe he has shut down for a while, but I just wanted you to be aware of what's going on in regard to his psychological state and not just his physical and medical states."

"Janie, I want you to be brutally honest with me. Are you saying you don't think I should visit him because of how he is feeling and dealing with things? Or are you simply giving me information to help prepare me for my visit?"

"I'm telling you that he doesn't want you to come. I'm also telling you that from what I can see and what I've heard from his mother, he needs you to come. I think if anyone is going to get through to him it's going to be you. That being said, I'm also warning you that when you come, it most likely won't be a warm and fuzzy visit. I can tell he is a stubborn man and he doesn't like not having things his way. He's not going to be easy to deal with you know."

She was being straight forward and honest with me. It's funny how in such a short time, without ever meeting her, I trusted her opinion and valued her feedback. Just from talking to her, I knew she was good at what she did and that she really cared about Brian.

"Oh Janie, you have no idea how stubborn my man can be. He's been that way as long as I've known him. On the positive side, I still love him regardless of his stubborn know it all, asinine behavior. On the not so positive side, I can be just as stubborn and I won't let him get away with any bullshit. He knows how I can be and I think that is part of the reason he is trying to keep me away."

"I will give you a little warning since you were so kind as to give me a heads up. When Brian and I go at it, it can be rather scary. We don't fight so much as out talk or out strategize each other. It may get a little loud, but the time to really worry is when we get too quiet. That's our trigger point, always has been. When we get quiet or stop talking, one of us is about to take a beating and the other is about to win the game. I plan on winning."

"Good to know." She laughed as she said it. "I will look forward to seeing you then. Good luck with your exams."

"Ok, thanks. Janie, I want to thank you for taking care of Brian and for being so honest with me."

"You're welcome. Have a safe trip and I'll see you when you arrive."

~~~~~~~~~~

Before I knew it, the week flew by and it was the weekend. I knew I did well on my last two exams and all I had left to worry about before graduation was my verbal presentation on my research findings, but that wouldn't be until Tuesday. Then I was a free woman and could focus all my attention on Brian. I had a feeling I would need a lot of energy for the task at hand."

My bags were packed and everything was ready to go. I left early and drove down to Walter Reed. As I entered the hospital, I was asked to check in at the front reception desk. I was handed a pass and directed to the elevators. Brian was on the fourth floor. When I arrived, before I went into Brian's room, I asked at the nurse's desk for Janie.

"I'm Janie. You must be Brian's Andrea." She gave me a warm smile as she came from behind the desk. "How was your trip?"

"Good thanks." Janie wasn't at all what I expected. She was petite, cute, and young, but extremely knowledgeable. After talking with her on the phone, she sounded so experienced, I expected her to be older. She must have read my thoughts on my face.

"Not what you expected?" She laughed as I blushed. "Don't worry about it; I get it all of the time. I'm a little older than I look. I just have good genetics. Do you have any questions before you go in to see Brian?"

"Has anything changed? How is he today?" I was a little hesitant to ask.

"He's ok today. I'm fairly certain that he has been mentally preparing for your visit. He has tried to pick a fight with me all morning. I just keep telling him, I'm not paid enough to take any Marine bullshit, save it for someone who knows how to throw a pity party." She looked at me to see my reaction.

"Oh Janie, we are so going to get along!" I looked at her and laughed. "I would have said the same thing or at least something very close to it. Brian knows that."

"He must because after I said it, he told me I sounded just like you. Then he told me and I quote, "I'm done talking with you, get out and close the door behind you." We both burst out laughing.

"Wow! He is in a mood. He usually tells me, 'I'm not going there with you. Period. The End!' He's never rude. He's stubborn and can be a bit of an ass at times, but never rude."

"I don't think he was being rude, as much as, frustrated. You should know that his care team told him he would be discharged in a few days. There is no active treatment at present. He's recovering from his concussion, his head CT's have been good, and the swelling is completely resolved. Now, it's going to be a wait and see game. Any follow up or treatment can be done closer to home."

"I wasn't expecting to hear that. Discharged. Do you know when?"

"They want to repeat a final CT before he goes. Then physical therapy has to clear him. He'll have a therapy plan that he can follow at home, but he's already doing fine. I read the article's you told me about regarding Transient Post Cortical Blindness and the ones on perceptual relearning. They were really interesting. Thanks for sharing. I placed copies in Brian's chart for the rest of his team to review."

"I'm glad they were helpful." I looked at the wall clock and checked the time.

I was getting a little antsy. Being this close to Brian and not seeing him was starting to affect me. All of a sudden, I just felt the need to be with him.

"Are you ready to go and see Brian?" She asked quietly as if she sensed the change in me and was trying to calm my nerves.

"Yes. I need to see him." I nodded.

Janie walked me down the hall to the very last room in the corridor. She gave me a wink and then a hug. She whispered to me. "Be strong. Don't treat him any differently than you would have before his injury. He doesn't need to be babied or taken care of by anyone. He needs to know he can take care of himself."

I nodded and took a deep cleansing breath. The door was closed and she tapped lightly before opening it and walking into the room.

"Brian you have a visitor." She announced.

"I told you, I don't want any visitors." He was looking toward us and I realized he was following the sound.

"Well my love, that's not an option." I said as I walked toward the bed.

Janie quietly left and shut the door. I walked over and bent down to give Brian a kiss. He must have sensed my movement because he turned his head and my kiss landed on his cheek. I closed my eyes for a second and took another cleansing breath. Then I decided the best defense was a strong offense as my Dad so often says.

"Ok Marine, how do you want to handle this? Are you really planning on curling up and sitting in bed while life passes? Or are you going to be the man and the Marine I know you to be and live up to your responsibilities and do what needs to be done here?"

I could hear the change in my voice. It was me but I swear it sounded just like my Dad talking. I felt myself sitting straighter and feeling stronger, more in control over the situation. If Brian wasn't going to take control of it, I would have to.

I watched Brian's reaction to what I said. He seemed a little shocked but I noticed his body posture changed too. He was holding his head a little higher, a little straighter. He sat forward and I saw his shoulders pull back. His jaw firmed and jutted out. I could see his eyes darken. I thought, ok, now here is my Brian, my Marine. We are about to go at it. I prepared myself for the fight.

"I want you to leave Andrea. I don't want to argue or fight. I just want you to leave." His voice was quiet and calm, not at all what I was expecting from him.

I got up off the bed. I turned and walked out the door. I walked down to the nurse's desk and spoke with Janie. She took a few minutes and then walked back to the room with me. I went back in and closed the door. Janie taped the sign she had written to the outside.

It said, "DO NOT ENTER! ACTIVE ZONE! COUPLE REUNITING!"

"Janie, I just want to be left alone." Brian said, not realizing it was me.

I walked over to his bed again. I kicked off my shoes and pulled back his covers. Then I just crawled into bed next to him and wrapped my arms around him. I could feel his body stiffen. I made sure that my whole body was in contact with his.

My face was next to his, my left arm behind his neck, my right across his chest. My chest rested against his side and I wrapped my right leg over his legs. I kissed his cheek before I said a word. Then I just started to quietly tell him what I felt and how things were going to be for now.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Brian, you may think you want me to leave, but I know better. I don't want to leave you and I'm not going to leave you. You need to realize something here and now. I love you. I have been in love with you since the very first time I saw you. There is no way that I can stop loving you. I don't know how many more ways I can tell you or show you that I love you. What I do know is that I will do whatever I have to until you remember that. If I just have to lay here and hold you until you do remember, that's what I'll do."

The room was intensely quiet. I couldn't even hear him breathe. I wanted to tell him to say something but I was afraid of what it would be. He was thinking. I could feel it. I felt his muscles tighten so hard his fingers twitched before he balled them into fists.

"I want you to leave Andrea. I mean it. I want you to leave." His voice was so icy sounding and sharply edged.

"Well my love, you can't always get what you want. Sometimes you just have to make do with what you have and hope and pray it all works out for the best in the end."

He laughed. It wasn't his warm funny laugh. It too was cold and brittle in the quiet of the room.

"That's all you have to say. All you have is a quote from the Rolling Stones and some pathetic philosophical bullshit. Is that supposed to make me feel ok about being blind? If I hope and pray will I be able to see again? Will it all work out in the end? Well, will it Andrea? Will it work out for the best?"

Now, we were getting somewhere. Now he was hurt, and angry, and mad, and best of all he was responding more like my Brian. He wasn't just sitting quietly in bed and accepting that life was over for him. Being taciturn wasn't in Brian's nature. At least now he sounded like he had a little fight in him.

"Brian, neither of us knows what the future holds. I'm not making light of your situation or trying to make you feel ok about it. What I'm saying right now is that I love you. You love me. This situation doesn't change that. If you think that I'm going to bail on you because you can't see right now you're wrong. I've told you a thousand different ways that I love you, that you are my man, that I want you in my life for the rest of my life. Nothing of importance has changed."

"Nothing of importance except I'm blind." His affect and his tone were devoid of emotion. He was simply stoic as he looked out into the room and spoke. Then he tried to pull away from me as he said it again, "Andrea, I want you to leave right now."

"No." One word was my only response and then the room was wrapped in a cold silence.

I moved closer and held him tight. I placed my head so I didn't have to see his face but so that my head touched his. My hair was right under his nose, as I thought if he could just smell my hair, he will remember how much he loves me.

Neither of us said a word and the room remained silent for what seemed like hours. I continued to hold him and he remained still. He didn't touch me, he didn't even move. He just lay there. No one entered the room. Finally I heard a change in Brian's breathing pattern. I could tell by the quiet stacking of short breaths that he had fallen asleep.

I peeked up at the wall clock. I had been here for over four hours and we said all of fifty words to each other. It wasn't exactly the reunion I had imagined, but I suppose it could have been worse. Brian could have really gone ballistic and I would have had to leave. At least this way I was still able to be with him and hold him. For now, that would have to be enough.

~~~~~~~~~~

My stress and worrying over Brian's condition and my late night studies preparing for my finals had really taxed my system. I had left Philly early this morning to drive to Walter Reed and now the lack of sleep over the past weeks had apparently caught up with me. I'd fallen asleep shortly after checking the time, now it was a few hours later.

The three bottles of water and the diet Pepsi I had throughout the day where sending me messages. My bladder was telling me to get out of bed and go, but my head and my heart were telling me to stay. I held out as long as I could. Then I quietly snuck out of Brian's bed and used his bathroom. I washed my hands and was about to sneak back into bed when I saw Brian was no longer there.

I looked around the room and saw him standing by the windows. He was just standing there looking out as the day was ending. If you didn't know he was blind, you would think he was just watching the sun beginning to set. My heart felt heavy as I thought of all the times we watched the sun set at the lake and that he may never see it again. Then I shook the thought from my mind. No negative thoughts, only positive ones I told myself.

I walked up behind him, making sure he heard me coming. Then I rested my body against his back. He didn't pull away, so I enclosed him in my arms as I placed them around his waist and clasped my finger together in front of him. I took a deep breath and then I placed a kiss between his shoulder blades. I left my lips linger against him as I stood behind him. I felt him sigh as I held him.

"I want you to leave." He said without any feeling. It was the same way he would have said "pass the bread." Actually, it may have had less emotion than that.

"Are you sure? I can stay longer. I was planning on leaving before it gets too dark though. I don't want to get lost on my way back. I've already checked in at the hotel."

"Andrea, you're not hearing me. I want you to leave and I don't want you to come back."

He didn't even turn toward me as he spoke. He kept staring out the window into space. I couldn't help myself; I felt the tears build up in my eyes and slowly slide down my cheeks. I had been worrying about him for weeks. I had been without him for months. I had loved him for years and now I felt like I was losing him again. I refused to let him go literally and figuratively. So I just held him for a few more minutes in complete silence.

"I'm letting you go for now Brian, but not forever. I'm leaving for tonight, but not forever. I'm coming back tomorrow and all of the tomorrows after that and that's forever. I hope you will talk to me because this is not going down according to your plan Lieutenant. That's a promise Marine."

I took a few steps around him until I was in front of him. I made sure he felt me moving and knew where I was in relation to him. I reached up to take his face in my hands and he quickly grabbed my wrists as I touched his face. His grasp on my wrists was tight, it hurt. He pulled my hands from his face and held them away from him.

"Really Brian, has it come to this? Has it come to you trying to hurt me? Let go of my hands." He still held them tight, but not as tight as he had. "I said, let go of my hands. You're hurting me Brian."

"I said leave now." I couldn't believe the hate I heard in his voice. I knew he didn't hate me, I knew he hated the situation we were in, but it didn't stop the pain that shot through my heart as I heard him say those words.

"I'll leave. Let go of my hands and I will leave."

He slowly released his grip on my wrists. I didn't attempt to touch his face but I didn't let him get away without me trying one more thing. I tip-toed up kissed his cheek and whispered. "I'm coming back tomorrow. Like it or not."

"Don't."

I ignored him and quietly walked out of his room. I pulled down the sign that Janie had placed on the door for me and walked down the hall. She was sitting at the desk writing some notes and looked up as she saw me.

"Well, you lasted a lot longer than I thought you would. I'm guessing from the tears in your eyes, things didn't go so well." She was being sympathetic and I appreciated it.

"Let's just say things could have gone better. The only things he said to me were, 'I want you to go' and my favorite, 'Don't come back.' That's the one that brought on the tears. The majority of our time together was spent sleeping."

"You fell asleep? The both of you fell asleep?" Janie had this smile on her face that was kind of odd, yet kind of knowing in a way.

"Yes. After the first time he told me to leave and then he wouldn't talk to me, I kicked off my shoes and crawled in bed with him."

"You were in bed with him and he fell asleep."

"I know. I would think after eight months of being away from each other, sleep wouldn't have been our priority. He wouldn't talk to me, so I crawled in bed, hugged him tight, didn't let him pull away, and twenty minutes later he was asleep. I've been exhausted lately and I just fell asleep listening to the rhythm of his breathing."

I shook my head as if I couldn't believe that I wasted time sleeping after all of our time apart. The look on Janie's face made me think I had just told her she won the lottery. I wasn't sure what she was thinking, but she was smiling at me with a silly grin on her face.

"Andrea that's really great."

"What's really great? That we fell asleep."

"Yes. First it's really great that you got him to let you touch him. Then it's even more important that he fell asleep with you. Andrea, Brian hasn't been out of his room except for tests, cane therapy and physical therapy. He hasn't let anyone have personal contact with him since he was in Germany. As far as I know, he hasn't slept for more than an hour or two a day since that time. How long did he sleep?"