My Man, My Marine, My Lover! Pt. 02

"I think it was about four or four and half hours. He fell asleep just before I did, so I'd say closer to four and half hours."

She hugged me. "That's great. You may not think so, but that was a successful visit. Will I see you tomorrow?"

"Janie, you will see me every day, all day until I leave on Monday evening. Brian may not want me here, but there's not much he can do to keep me away. I'll be here."

I spent the entire weekend in Brian's room with him. Most of the time, he spent either in bed or sitting in a chair that he would purposefully face to the window and his back to me. So, I started sitting on the window sill when I talked with him. He didn't answer me when I asked a question, so I changed tactics and just talked in story telling format. He had no choice but to listen. Janie had already told me he hadn't left his room.

I did figure out one thing that I found interesting. After that first day, when I told him he was hurting me, he never grabbed my wrists or hands and he stopped pulling away when I touched him. The only thing that seemed to be off limits was touching his face. If I even came close, he pulled his head away. It was like he sensed my hand there in front of him. Once I realized this, I avoided doing that and upsetting him.

Monday came a lot faster than I thought it would considering that I spent most of the weekend talking in a one sided conversation. It was rare that Brian even changed his facial affect as I spoke. The few changes in facial expression occurred when I spoke of his parents or the lake cabin. That was my favorite topic to talk about with him because it was the only time I saw a little glimmer of peace or possibly happiness on his face.

During my visit on Monday, I had the chance to meet Brian's care team. When they rounded late that afternoon, I was in the room talking with Brian. It was interesting to watch their dynamics. I was impressed that most of the team members presented on Brian's status. Janie went first and gave an update on the days labs and events. She mentioned that Brian was more mobile and spent more time out of bed than he had been recently.

The physical therapist said she thought Brian was fine with ADL's (activities of daily living) and his cane use. She said that he would have no problems returning to a familiar environment. She did say that outside environments were his biggest challenge and that they hadn't been able to work on cane use there. The physician updated us on the head CT results, saying that it was normal and they would want a follow up CT in three months and then six months. He also stated that unless Brian was willing to participate in any form of "adjustment therapy" he would be making his recovery time a lot more difficult than it had to be. When Brian didn't respond, the doctor cleared Brian for discharge on Wednesday.

"Will you be the person taking Brian home Andrea?" The doctor asked as he signed some forms and Brian's chart.

"Yes." I answered at the same time Brian answered, "No!"

The team looked at the two of us. They weren't sure which of us to look at or what arrangements needed to be made if I wasn't going to be the one taking him home.

"Brian do you want your parents to have to drive nine hours to pick you up and then drive nine hours back? I'm already going home from school and can easily take you home with me. Besides, I have your jeep with me." I was annoyed with him and everyone could hear it in my voice.

"Well, the doctor and your team are waiting. Are you going to come home with me or do you want to call your parents and let them know when to pick you up? The choice is yours."

I know he's a stubborn man, but I knew he would never make that call. He wouldn't embarrass himself in front of his father like that and he wouldn't want to put his mother through the stress. It wouldn't be an easy call or trip for him to make. I knew him well enough to know no matter how much he didn't want to be with me, he didn't want to hurt them more.

"Fine. I'll travel back with you since you have my jeep anyway."

"Good choice." I said aloud and nodded to the group.

"Stubborn ASS with all caps'!" I said just loud enough for him to hear me as the team left his room.

~~~~~~~~~~

All I did during my drive back to Philly was to think about Brian. I tried to think about what it was like for him. How I could help him adjust to everything that he would need to deal with when he went home. I thought about calling his parents to try and prepare them for his emotional state. The more I thought about him going home, the more I thought it was a bad idea for all involved.

Brian would be stressed out about being "taken care of" by his Mom. He would be worried that he was a burden or a disappointment to his Dad. He would hate feeling like he was trapped in his house. By the time I arrived back at my dorm, I had a massive headache and no answers.

I took two Motrin and jumped into a hot shower. I stood under the hard spray of the hot water until it ran cold. I had to prepare for my verbal presentation the next day, so I tabled my thoughts about Brian. I had to do well tomorrow and I needed to clear my head and concentrate. I read and reread my presentation. I ran through my slide show over and over. I read my questions and answers in order to prepare for the research committee. Just before two thirty in the morning, I packed my computer, notes, and the presentation packets for the committee.

My head hit the pillow and I was out. My sleep was filled with thoughts of Brian and then thoughts of my presentation. I don't think I had a peaceful minutes sleep all night long. At seven o'clock I was up and couldn't fall back to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes my mind started to think of all the scenarios that could go wrong: Brian and his Mom not dealing with each other, me failing my presentation, Brain not coming back with me, me not being able to speak to the committee.

I couldn't take it anymore. I got up showered and dressed. I ran through my presentation one more time and then I went to the lecture hall and set up for my review. Two and half hours later, I answered the committee's last question. When I was finished, they took a few minutes to discuss things amongst themselves. They wouldn't be able to tell me if I passed but they did the next best thing.

"Andrea, if you want to publish your research findings any one of us would be happy to work with you on it. You presented very well and we would welcome you back if you decide to continue onto graduate school." The Committee Chairwoman smiled when she was done.

"Thank you. I would like to thank all of you for your support both in class and with my research projects. I hope to publish my work and I would appreciate any assistance you offer." Before I left, I spoke with the Committee Chairwoman, also one of my mentors, and told her of Brian's situation and my immediate plans. I also told her graduate school was definitely in my future but most likely not this year. She understood and welcomed me back at any time.

~~~~~~~~~~

A few hours later the last of my bags were packed and I was on my way to Brian. I have to admit, that I was a little on edge. I wasn't sure what Brian would be like once I arrived or how the nine hour drive home would be. The only thing I knew for sure was that I thought taking him home in the state he was in now, was a mistake. It was gnawing at my gut. I was actually feeling ill.

When I arrived on Brian's unit, I was met by Janie. She didn't look too happy about something. I knew immediately it had something to do with Brian. She gave me a half smile and asked if we could talk.

"This can't be good. What did he do?" I took a deep breath and waited for her answer.

"Andrea, he's really a mess. He's been a mess since you left on Monday. He hasn't showered, he barely ate anything, and I know he hasn't slept. I don't know what to do for him. He won't tell me what's wrong and every time I ask him something he just tells me to leave him alone. I'm starting to think that discharging him today is a bad idea. I've been thinking about calling a psych consult before discharging him or holding his discharge."

"Janie, please don't do that. You know what a psych consult on his record would do to any future career he has in the Marines. Brian's a Marine born and breed. The odds are in his favor that he will regain his vision in the next few months. He can pick up his career where he left off if that happens. That kind of consult could kill his career. That in turn would kill him."

"I'm fairly sure I know what the problem here is. It's been eating my stomach up since I left here Monday. I'm almost definite that I know what is causing him this stress. I also think that I can help to make things a lot better if he will listen to me. I'll need your back up if you're willing to stretch the truth and work with me on this."

"Define stretch the truth and then I'll see what I can do to help and hopefully not lose my license in the bargain."

"It's nothing that bad. I know Brian better than anyone, maybe even better than his parents. He's worried about going home like this. In Brian's mind he's failed. Brian has never failed at anything. He has always been an overachiever. I don't think he has ever been out of the top ten in anything he's done in his life. The thought of disappointing his Dad or stressing out his Mom is what's eating at Brian. The thought of him going home in his present state won't sit well with him. I have a plan for that."

"I need your help to get him to eat and shower. He can sleep in the jeep and I'm planning a little detour on our trip that will help him get some rest tonight. If I need you to pull out the psych consult card I'll let you know. I would like to hold off on that unless he refuses to shower and eat for me. You'll just have to convince him that if he doesn't you will hold his transfer until psych can see him. That should do it."

"Andrea, it won't be hard to convince him because that is what I'm going to do if you don't get through to him and I don't see some immediate change in his behavior. Right now, he has me worried and I don't get worried that often." She gave me a seriously concerned look and I knew she meant business.

We walked down the hall together. I took a deep breath and then I knocked on Brian's door. He didn't answer so I started to open the door.

"Brian it's me and Janie. We're coming in."

As we walked into his room, he was standing in front of the windows just staring out. The sun was shining on his face and I could tell he was not himself at all. When I got closer to him, I could see he looked tired and unkempt. His hair was dirty, he hadn't shaved in at least three days, and he didn't smell that great. His skin was really looking pale and he was losing his muscular tone because he had been stuck indoors for the past few weeks. We needed to make some changes now.

"Brian, baby I know you don't want to talk to me, but baby, you have to listen to me." I stepped in front of him as I continued to calmly and softly talk to him.

"Brian I know what you're thinking. I know you're worried about going home and seeing your parents. Baby, I know you don't want to hear this but it's going to be ok. I don't want you to worry. If you don't want to go home right now we won't. We don't have to, you don't have to. We can go somewhere else if that makes you more comfortable."

I stopped talking when he turned in my direction. He moved a little closer to the sound of my voice and stood right in front of me for a minute before he spoke. He had tears forming in his eyes and I wanted to reach out and hold him so bad. The only thing that stopped me was the fact I didn't want him to get angry and lose it. Janie was standing a few feet away and she was watching every move he made.

"Where?" He asked.

"You want to know where I would take you, where we would go?"

"Yes. Where?" His voice was so flat. There was absolutely no inflection in his voice whatsoever.

"Well here's what needs to happen Brian. First, Janie is here. She's standing a few feet behind you and she is very worried about you. She's thinking of holding your discharge if she doesn't see you do a few things. Brian, are you listening to me?"

"Yes. I know she's here. I smelled her perfume. What is it?" He just stood there, but at least he was talking to me.

"Brian, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you look like shit baby. We need to get you into the shower, wash you, wash your hair, and get you shaved. We're going to get some food up here and you need to eat lunch before we can leave. If you need to you can take a nap here. Then we can go. Ok?"

"I don't want to sleep here. I just want to get out of here, but where Andrea?"

"I think we should stop at a hotel tonight and get some rest. First thing tomorrow we can head to the lake cabin and stay there until you feel stronger and get some color and energy back. What do you say? Is that a plan?"

"The lake cabin. You promise." He asked in that same flat tone, but he looked like he would agree.

"I promise. All we have to do first is get you cleaned up and fed. Then we're on our way. Are you ok with that plan Brian?"

He was quiet as he thought about all that I said to him. I could see him thinking things through. I didn't have another plan if he didn't like this one. I was determined to get him out of this place today.

"Ok." It was the only word he spoke as he reached out for my hand.

I looked at Janie and she nodded at me in approval. I helped Brian into the bathroom. Janie walked behind us.

"Do you need any help Brian?" She asked as she stood by the bathroom door.

"Andrea?" He asked as if it were my decision.

"I think we'll be ok, thanks Janie. I'll take care of him if he needs anything." Tears formed in my eyes as soon as he said my name.

"Brian, I'm going to help you get showered and everything. Is that ok with you? Is it ok for me to touch you and to help?"

Again, he hesitated before answering. I knew he wanted to say he didn't need any help, but I also saw that at this point, even he realized he did. He was tired and he looked simply lost. My heart was breaking, but I couldn't let him know that. I needed to be the strong one here and help him get through this mess.

"Andrea. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of arguing and fighting everything. I'm tired of being fucking blind."

"Yes Brian, I know baby. I'm right here for you. Let me help you shower and clean up so we can get you out of here. We'll get some food in you and then we're gone."

I took his hand again and led him to stand next to the shower. I was getting the towels, soap, and shampoo ready before I realized Brian wasn't getting undressed. He was just standing there. I could feel the tears build up in my eyes. I wasn't exactly sure what to do. I wanted to make this as easy as possible for him. I didn't want him to feel bad about needing my help and it was now apparent that he needed it more than I thought possible.

"Brian, I'm going to get your shaving gear. I'll be right back."

I ran into the room and pulled his kit from his bedside table. I grabbed my purse and pulled out a hair band. Quickly I pulled my hair on top of my head and wrapped the band around it. I hurried back to the bathroom, too worried about leaving Brian alone in there for too long. The only hopeful things at this point were that he was listening to me, talking to me, and willing to let me help him, at least for now.

I turned the shower on to high and a strong stream of hot water escaped from the hand held nozzle. I kicked of my flip flops and undressed as fast as I could. Then I undressed Brian telling him each move I was going to make before I did it. It took a few minutes for me to have him stripped down, but he appeared ok with it.

I stepped into the shower and held his hand as I pulled him in. I stood him in front of me, facing away, as I grabbed a washcloth and the liquid body-wash. I poured it all over the cloth and then I started to wash his back. I gently stroked from top to bottom with the soapy cloth, applying enough pressure to feel more like a massage than a simple shower.

I worked the muscles of his neck and shoulders. I poured some of the body-wash into my palms and I worked my hands up and down his arms. I took the soapy wash cloth and went down the length of his body. I massaged down the backs of his legs and then back up again. When I was ready to wash his ass, I had him place his arms on the wall of the shower and lean forward. I rubbed the soap and cloth over the surface of his ass checks. I needed to clean him all over since he hadn't showered in at least three days. I wasn't sure how he was going to deal with this, so I spoke softly.

"Brian, baby, I need to wash you better. I need to wash your ass baby. Will you lean forward and spread your legs for me please?"

I was as soft spoken and as gentle as I have ever been. I just wanted to help him. I prayed he didn't end up hating me for it. I waited a few seconds before I saw him do as I asked. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't think he could handle it.

"Thank you baby." I said as I took the wash cloth and wrapped it around my hand. Then I slid it between his ass cheeks and cleaned him. I tossed the dirty wash cloth on the floor just outside the shower and I took a clean one off the pile I set outside.

I took the shower hose down and gently sprayed Brian's backside down. I took my time to slowly let the hot water pulsate and massage down the back of his head, over his neck, down the backs of his arms, then slowly down his back, ass and legs. When his back was completely rinsed, I gently turned him to face me.

I took the clean cloth and place just a drop of liquid soap on it. Then I worked it into lather.

"Brian, I'm going to wash your face. Is that ok?"

I remembered the last time I tried to touch his face and I didn't need or want a repeat performance of that. If he lost control in here and tried to grab me I was in deep shit. I had the door closed and locked, not to mention, I'm completely naked and stuck in a three by three shower stall with him. Not much I could do to defend myself against My Marine if I had to. I was positive that I wouldn't have to, but why chance it.

"Yes. It's ok. I won't hurt you again."

Tears flowed down my cheeks. Brian remembered that he hurt my wrists and he knew exactly what I was thinking when I asked him for permission to touch him. It was the first sign that my Brian was still here with me. I saw just a slight twinge in his jaw muscles as he told me he wouldn't hurt me again.

"Ok. I'm going to wash your face Brian. Close your eyes for me baby."

He closed his eyes and I continued to shower him. I washed his face and neck. Then I poured more shower wash on his torso and washed his chest and abdomen. I washed over a little trail of hair that led from his lower abdomen down to his manhood. I thought, how interesting, I don't remember seeing this little treasure trail before, then I continued to wash him. I squatted down in the shower to wash his legs and feet. I got another clean washcloth and soaped it up before I washed his genitals, careful not to stimulate him.

Once I rinsed him off, I soaked his head under the shower spray. I gently pulled him out of the reach of the spray head so I could lather his hair. I massaged my fingers over his scalp in little circles and then through his very short hair. I rinsed out the shampoo and did it again for good measure. As I was massaging tiny circles and scratching his scalp lightly with my nails I heard Brian breath in deeply and sigh with its release.

It was the first sound of content I had heard from him. For a second or two, I saw his facial muscles relax and I could see my Brian. His shoulders relaxed and he wasn't holding them so tight, he didn't look so guarded for a few seconds as his eyes closed and he allowed me to take care of him.