My Mid-life Crisis

We sat over breakfast coffee. "Why the strange look?" Kate asked.

"Do you realise what has just happened? Just yesterday I was having a pleasant drive in the country, minding my own business, and the next thing that I knew was, there I was rescuing you from some dickhead. And then, in two shakes of a lamb's tail, I find myself making mad passionate love to you. Who'd a thunk it?" (For those of you, who can't work out what I just said, I'll translate; 'who would have thought it'.)

"Now don't you come over all puritanic on me. Is what we have done any worse than either of us going to a pub somewhere, picking up a member of the opposite sex, and having a night of unbridled lust?"

"When you look at it that way, I would have to say no. In fact, I would say that it is even better than having unsatisfactory sex with a spouse that you don't love."

"There you go then, we have solved our moral dilemma, so now it is up to us to get on with life."

"I have been thinking, maybe we should change our appearance in some way, just to make it that little harder for someone to recognise us, should our disappearance raise issues."

"What did you have in mind, nothing too drastic I hope?"

"I thought of shaving my head and dying my eyebrows blonde."

"No, around here that look will stand out like a sore thumb. You've bought all of that cooee cobber clobber, man of the bush stuff, why don't we both develop that style. We'll get a couple of Akubras, scuff them up a bit so that they look well worn, a pair of RM's (R M Williams boots) and go with that."

"As always you've come up with the best idea." I kissed her.

We reached Swan Hill, and the first order of the day was to buy the gear to change our image. What happened next was the instant application of months, if not years, of hard wear. The Akubras suffered the indignity of being run over by the van a couple of times, while the RM's were scraped on the gravel road before being polished, giving them a well worn but loved look, although close inspection of the pristine soles would have given the game away. That was until we shuffled along the gravel road for a hundred metres and back. I looked at Kate. "Gees Sheil, you don't half look the grouse."

"I'll take that as a compliment, but you might like to ease back on the slang, no-one talks like that these days. Having said that, you look like you've just staggered out of the scrub looking for a feed."

"My work here is done. Now shall we proceed?" I started the engine and pulled out on to the road, chucked a U turn and headed back to the bitumen. We had lunch at Echuca before making a left turn just before Cobram and crossing the river. The night was spent at a caravan park at Finley that provided us with the opportunity to have a long hot shower, empty our grey water tank and top up our water tanks, before dinner of fresh food, and eventually sleep.

Life began to get interesting the next day. We were dining regally in a truck stop in Narrandera when a news item on the TV caught our attention. It was my grieving wife pleading for information on my whereabouts. "I hope that he has not met with foul play," She sobbed. "He didn't come home from work three days ago, and when I checked I was shocked to find that he hadn't been to work for over a week. I can't think why he would have kept that a secret from me. I love him and I'm sure that he loves me, this is so totally out of character for him, he has always been so reliable."

"At least she got that right." I whispered to Kate.

"Sssh."

"Can you give us a description of your husband?" The presenter asked.

She held up a photo of me taken some time ago. "He is tall. . . "

"Not that tall." I whispered.

"He has a slim build. . . ."

"Not that slim."

"Sort of medium length light brown hair. . . ."

"Not anymore."

"Does he have any visible tattoos or piercings?"

"No, he'd never do anything like that."

"Now there's a thought."

"When did you last see him?"

"Monday morning, he kissed me good-bye as usual and drove off, I thought that he was going to work, but now I know different."

"Can you describe the car that he was driving?"

"Yes, he was driving a silver Volvo sedan." She held up a photo of the car. "If anyone has seen him or his car, could they please get in touch with the Police? I miss him so much."

"If I didn't know better, I'd think that this little effort will have the police thinking that she might just have something to do with my disappearance."

"Well in a way she did."

"I think that it's time to stir the pot a little."

"What do you have in mind?" Kate asked.

"You don't really think that I was just going to disappear on her, did you? I fully intend to make life very uncomfortable for her."

"How are you going to do that from out here?"

"Watch and learn." I dialled the Crime Stoppers number. "Hello, I just saw that woman on TV pleading for help in finding her husband. I should think that this would be the last thing that she, or her lover, would want. The photo she showed wasn't the man that she was getting very cosy with the other night." I paused while the operator asked the inevitable question. "No, I prefer to remain anonymous at this time."

"Remind me never to get on your wrong side. You're counting on the police taking a closer interest because, in the majority of cases such as this, when the remains are eventually found, it was the person's partner that was responsible for disappearance."

"You got it in one. Now let's get out of here."

We headed generally north along the Newell Highway past the irrigated crop lands of the Murrumbidgee Irrigation Area that was notorious back in the 70's as the main cannabis growing area in Australia, now the home of more mundane crops. Further along we passed through Ardlethan in the centre of the wheat sheep belt of New South Wales, kilometre after kilometre of grain crops and canola interspersed with fallow fields and flocks of sheep.

Our next stop was West Wyalong where the Newell crossed the Mid-West Highway, We stopped to buy supplies for our lunch, given that both of us were getting a little tired of truck stop cuisine. Tonight we thought that we would check into a motel at Forbes instead of a caravan park, and sample the luxury of a proper bed.

Sometime in the middle of the night Kate woke me. "Sorry to disturb you, but something has been on my mind."

"What is it?"

"What if the person that you sold the car to goes to the police, wouldn't that lead them to the conclusion that you had left of your own accord?"

"I have that eventuality covered. I was not the person that sold it to him. I knew what her lover looked like, so arranged for a mate of mine, who was roughly like him in stature, make himself up to look like him. When the police show him my photo and ask him if this was the man that sold him the car, he'll say that it wasn't. If, and I hope that they do, ask for a description, he will come up with a description that will lead them to my darling wife's lover, at least that is the plan."

"I am going to enjoy this."

"Why so?"

"Because, love of my life, I know what her lover looks like."

"You do?"

"Yes, because he is my bastard of a husband. I think that an explanation is in order."

"Do you really think so?" I said sarcastically.

"No need to get snippy. Now, you will have to agree that we, you and I, have a connection."

"I believe so, yes."

"What I am about to tell you will not change that as far as I'm concerned. I ask that you look at my actions from my perspective and realise, as I have, that while they were motivated by revenge, the greater good was served."

"This sounds ominous, but for the time being I will listen, and hopefully see it as you wish. I am all ears."

"Some months ago I found out that the bastard was cheating on me with a woman from where he works. I had him followed and photographic evidence obtained. And this is where you appeared in the frame, you were also interested in their goings on, so I assumed, rightly as it turned out, that the lady in question was your little wifey, and soon to be ex."

"So far, nothing to get my knickers in a twist about. Go on."

"When you showed up, I decided to let things roll to see what you would do about it. And that's when you began behaving strangely. Instead of getting nasty you began to make other plans, and I was intrigued. I knew that something was going down when you resigned your job but kept heading off in the mornings as if you were still working. Then, last Friday when you had a friend, who looked strangely familiar, take your car to a dealer for him to look over, I knew something was going to happen and soon. So I made my own plans. On Sunday, when the bastard was out playing golf with his mates, in a hotel room with your wife, I packed a few things and checked into a hotel. The guy in the Ferrari was one of my brother's mates that I used to track your movements on Monday morning. You drove to your friend's place, picked him up and drove to this other place where you picked up this camper van. Your mate drove off in your car, presumably to sell it to the car yard. An hour later you picked him up down the road from the car yard, and he gave you the money." How am I doing so far?"

"You know it all, and I still love you."

"You'll have to forgive me for my charade with the speeding car, but I had to find some way that we could hook up. I was counting on your chivalry, and you didn't let me down."

We spent the night in Parkes and after a meal in the motel dining room, settled down to watch a little TV before going to bed. The case of the missing me took an expected turn with the announcement that the police were interviewing a 'person of interest' in the case of my disappearance. A person had been identified by a used car yard proprietor as the man who had sold him my car. But that person was not me. "I can hear the wheels turning from here, if the man that sold the car was not me, then he must have something to do with my disappearance."

"That's what you wanted wasn't it?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I wanted. Let both of them stew. I think it time to stir the pot even further."

"You're going to tip the police off that I too have disappeared, aren't you?"

"You got it in one." I said as I dialled Crimestoppers.

"Have you given any thought to the fact that what you are doing just might be illegal?"

"It might be if a crime had been committed, but that is not the case."

"But aren't you causing the police to waste resources on a wild goose chase?"

"My darling wife started it by going public with my 'disappearance', I am merely redirecting those resources to serve my needs. When push comes to shove, it will be seen as her wasting the police's time on a fruitless chase, not me." The phone was answered. "Hello, I have information that me be of interest, concerning the disappearance of Phillip Watson. His wife's lover, a Sebastian Thomas, you will find that his wife is also missing, I think that there is a connection there." I hung up, "Pussy is in the pigeon house."

We slowly worked our way up the centre of New South Wales with stops at Dubbo for lunch, overnight at Gilgandra, a couple of days at Moree then on to Goondiwindi were we had a decision to make; do we continue up the middle and check out Winton and Longreach, or do we head for the coast. Much as I love this country, we do stand out like a sore thumb in this flash campervan, and try as we might the bush look is going to take a couple more months to establish itself properly."

I gathered from this that Kate had decided that she wanted the coast. I had no problem with that, in fact it would have been my preference. "I think that we can hide better in a crowd than on our own, so the coast it is. I have always wanted to check out Noosa."

"That will do for a start. I would like to go to Fraser Island."

"There is a slight problem with that."

"A problem, how so?"

"I don't feel comfortable driving this beast on sand, and Fraser Island is the largest sand island in the world and this is heavy, and 2 wheel drive."

"So we trade her in on a 4 wheel drive. I do not have an emotional attachment to her, and neither I think, do you."

"That would mean that we have to give up our creature comforts."

"Let's think about that when we get to Noosa."

When my arse hit the roof for the third time that night, a 4 wheel drive and motel bed became a much more attractive proposition. When we got to Noosa and investigated the caravan park accommodation and facilities, we found that they suffered in comparison to those provided by a motel. But we decided to explore these more fully before committing ourselves one way or the other. In the mean time there were many attractions to keep us occupied.

We had just come back from a stroll on the beach, and were having a cup of coffee, when there was a knock on the van door. It was a policeman. "Yes can I help you?" I asked him.

"I am looking for a Phillip Watson, would that be you?"

"Yes, why are you looking for me?"

"Your wife reported you missing over three months ago, and we have been looking for you ever since. We have received a tip-off that a man resembling you was staying at this caravan park, and had to investigate. Were you not aware that a search had begun for you?"

"No."

"But there have been numerous broadcasts on TV and social media, and in the newspapers. Surely you must have seen them."

"No, we haven't felt the need to read any papers or watch TV since we left Adelaide, this van does not have a TV, neither do we have internet access, so we have not had contact with any social media sites."

"You keep saying 'we', who is the other part of we?"

Kate emerged from the en-suite at the back of the van. "You have probably been looking for me as well. I'm Kate Thomas."

"You have a lot of explaining to do, both of you. Could you explain how it is that you two are together?"

"Believe me, we didn't plan it this way. I decided to leave my wife, without telling her I might add, and along the way I met Kate and we've been together ever since."

"I find that hard to believe."

"It might be hard for you to believe, but it's true. I had not set eyes on Kate before we bumped into each other at a truck stop at Tailem Bend."

"That's true. I had decided to leave my husband at the same time as Phil chose to leave his wife. I had met this guy and he invited me to go on a picnic down at Meningie, but I bailed at Tailem Bend because I didn't like the speed that he was driving at. Phil was topping up his tanks for the long haul, so I introduced myself and imposed myself on him. The rest, as they say, is history."

"So you were unaware that you wife was looking for you?" He asked me.

"Yes, and the fact that she was looking for me comes as a surprise. She has been having an affair and I thought that she would be glad to see the back of me, unless. . ."

"Unless what?" He asked.

"Unless she has run out of money and wants me to bail her out again."

"The information that we have is that a thorough Fraud Squad investigation has been launched into the financial dealings of the company where she works. It would appear that they have been involved in convoluted and irregular financial transactions, not to put too fine a point on it, money laundering."

"I thought that they might be involved in that sort of thing." Kate said.

"Why would you say that?"

"I was curious as to how he, my husband, and as it turns out, Phil's wife's lover, could maintain his lifestyle on his salary. His taxable income wasn't all that much, he must have had unaccounted for funds coming in, my wages didn't help much. After living expenses there wasn't a lot left for luxuries. He claimed that his new car was going to cost me heaps, I got really pissed at this announcement, and when I investigated, I found that it had already been paid for, in cash."

"This is all very interesting, but I have been instructed to request that you Mr Watson, providing that it really was you, should return to Adelaide, at your earliest convenience, to assist the local police with their enquiries. It would appear that having Mrs Thomas as well is something of a bonus."

"What would happen if it is not convenient?" I asked him.

"Then I have been advised that legal avenues would be explored, and certain charges laid, that would force you to return. It's your choice, return willingly and un-noticed, or be forced to return under the media spot light, and you know what will happen then, don't you?"

"It will be assumed by the great unwashed that we have something to hide. You leave us with no real choice but to return willingly."

Somehow or other the media got wind of our return, I think the announcement that we had been located might have had something to do with it, and there was a scramble of video and print jackals waiting for us in the arrivals hall at Adelaide airport. "Mr Watson, can you tell us why you staged your disappearance? What were you running from?" The voice of the woman who was holding, in a threatening manner I might add, a microphone in my face, yelled at me.

I held my hand up for calm. When it became obvious that I would not say anything until calm had settled on the masses, everyone stopped harassing me. "I admit that I was running from something, or someone, in this case my wife and my disastrous marriage. I admit that I didn't want to be found in a hurry when I left her. I wanted her to realise what I have had to put up with, waiting for her to come home from meetings that seemed to go on forever, that I recently discovered where not as she led me to believe, work related. They were personal meetings with a work colleague for the sole purpose of enjoying a sexual relationship. I was hurt by her, and wanted her to feel some degree of hurt in return, although I feel that, despite evidence to the contrary, my decision to leave would have had a minimal impact." I had noticed her standing on the periphery waiting, I assumed, for a tearful reunion. "I have, only yesterday, seen the video of her tearful plea for my return. I was unaware that she had even missed me. I have to admit that it came as a surprise to me, and I, even now find it difficult to believe."

"Mrs Thomas, what was your involvement in all of this?" They had, realising that there was little to be gained in further questions directed at me, turned their attention to Kate, hoping that there was a conspiracy involved.

"I had nothing whatever to do with Phil's decision to leave his wife. It is purely coincidental that I had decided to leave my husband at the same time. I had evidence that my husband was having an affair with a woman from his work. I was unaware that it was with Phil's wife until after we met, by accident I might add, and compared notes. Now before you ask, yes Phil and I have entered into a relationship, one based on mutual interests and genuine affection, and it is one that we both hope will stand the test of time. We will both be taking steps to formally end our marriages, and intend to marry as soon as possible."

"There have been allegations that your husband has been involved in fraudulent activities, and is under investigation by both the Fraud Squad and ASIC (Australian Securities and Investment Commission)."

"I was unaware of that. I took little interest in his business, just as long as there were sufficient funds in our joint account to meet our financial obligations."

"You make it sound as if that wasn't always the case."

"There were times when his spending exceeded our combined incomes, yes, but these were quickly resolved."

"So you had no knowledge of his involvement in money laundering?"

"What did I just tell you? I was not interested in his business activities except when it impinged on our personal financial status."