My Queer Cousins Ch. 01

Authors Note. This is an and updated version of a novella first posted in 2018.

All characters are over eighteen years of age.

A straight teenager shares a haunted lake house with two very queer cousins.

MY QUEER COUSINS

CHAPTER ONE: MORONS

Thunder Bay Ontario: 1990

"What're you staring at?" I asked, although the answer was pretty obvious.

"Your penis. It's exceptionally large. What are you staring at?" Andie asked in reply.

"Your penis."

"I know. It's very small isn't it?" Andie sighed.

"Small? Andie, you have a penis!"

I'd been surprised and excited when Andie, short for Andromeda, had suggested that we get naked and share the shower. Now, I was just surprised.

"I'm aware of that," Andie replied with a shrug, still staring at my crotch.

"Does it work?"

"Yes. Does yours?"

"Yes, of course," I replied. And just like that, we were talking about penises. "You really think mine's big?"

"Yes indeed. The average Caucasian penis is fourteen centimeters long when fully erect. I can easily estimate that yours would be larger than that." She used her forefinger to push her heavy glasses back up her nose.

"Jesus, Andie..."

"Perhaps, if it becomes engorged, we could measure it and make a determination," she suggested eagerly.

The way it was stirring to life, the question wasn't if, the question was why? After all, Andie had a penis, which meant Andie was a guy, which meant that I shouldn't be getting a hard on.

Of course, I didn't know she was a guy until she'd turned around. With her back to me, she'd shaken her luxurious red hair out of its ponytail and let it tumble down over his snowy white shoulders. Then she'd stepped out of her panties, yes, her panties, and I saw here cute, hairless bum. What the hell was I supposed to think?

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"Uhh, nothing. I just thought you were a girl is all."

"Oh, that. Well, legally I'm female. Biologically, I'm... somewhat ambiguous." She made a 'what're-you-gonna-do' kinda face. "But my current sexual identity is female."

I'd never heard the term 'sexual identity' before in my life. But maybe it meant that somehow Andie wasn't a guy after all. For one thing, she sure wasn't hairy. In fact, she had no pubes at all, which was kind of strange in itself for a twenty-year-old. She took a couple of steps towards me until she was close enough that I could feel the heat coming off her body. Without being too obvious, I tried to see if she had a pussy, too.

She caught me looking. "Nope, nothing there," she laughed, lifting her balls, and boldly spreading her legs.

I could hear my dad's voice in my head. "Your cousins are all Morons."

####

Syracuse NY: Three days earlier.

"Your cousins are all morons," my dad said.

"They're not morons," I replied. But looking at the pictures on the coffee table, I wasn't so sure.

There were two pictures; the only ones we had of my cousins. In one, a girl wearing baggy hip waders and a lumberjack shirt held up a fish almost as big as she was. Her thick red hair was short and ragged, looking like someone had put a bowl over her head and cut around the edges with garden shears. She had a very proud, nearly toothless grin on her freckled face. On the back of the picture, someone had written 'Billie Jack '79.' She would have been nine years old.

In the other picture, a grinning girl held up some kind of medal on a long ribbon while an important-looking older guy beamed down at her. Her red hair was pulled severely back from her broad forehead into a thick ponytail. Her teeth looked okay, but her heavy, dark-rimmed glasses, complete with a taped arm, were crooked on her face. On the back of that picture, someone had printed, 'Andromeda Athena Mackenzie '81' which would've made her twelve at the time.

My cousins: Billie Jack Morgan and Andromeda Athena Mackenzie.

"How can they be morons?" My mom objected. "Andie has two PhD's, and she's only just turned twenty-one. Billie makes a living off of wolf bounties. No moron ever made a living hunting wolves, at least not for long."

"Morons," Dad said to me. "They're all over the place on your mother's side of the family."

"Well, if they're morons, then all the more reason for me to go up there and check the place out with them. Keep them from getting hurt."

"You're just trying to get out of work."

I worked for my dad building custom houses in the new, upscale suburbs of Syracuse on weekends during the school year, and full time in the summer.

"It's his inheritance, Jim. Of course, he has to go and see that it's taken care of," Mom said.

In a move that had surprised everyone, my childless, Great-Uncle Monty had left his estate to the three of us, the only grandchildren of his beloved sister. According to the lawyers, the estate consisted of his big Victorian country house on the north shore of Lake Superior, and whatever it contained.

"The place probably needs bulldozing. It'll cost you as much to tear it down as the land's worth," my dad said. My dad couldn't order me not to go, I was eighteen, but he was paying my college tuition.

"That's what I need to find out. I know what to look for, you taught me that. Those girls can't do that by themselves."

"Oh, so that's what this is all about! You think you're gonna get into your cousin's pants. Look at them, boy. You call that getting lucky?!"

"Don't be crude, Jim. It'll be nice for the youngsters to have a reunion. It was a very thoughtful thing that Uncle Monty did," my mom said.

I'd met them only once, when I was five or six years old. That was before Billie's family moved up to the Yukon, and Andie's went off to Borneo, or some other god-forsaken place, where her parents did scientific stuff. The thought of getting one, or even both of them, in the sack had crossed my mind. I was hoping they'd changed in the ten years or so since those pictures were taken. I mean, I looked pretty goofy at that age, too.

"Monty was a nut job and a pornographer," Dad scoffed. "And he died broke."

"He was not a pornographer! He was a very successful and highly-respected portrait photographer," Mom shot back.

"Ha! How the hell can you be a successful anything when you live in Thunder Bay?"

"Come on, Dad. It's only for a couple of weeks, and I'll work twice as hard when I get back."

"Go on, then. Go running off to Canada, chasing some bankrupt legacy with a couple of dog-faced cousins. Go ahead, see where it gets you," he grumbled.

"Thanks, Dad."

"Moron."

####

"I turned the water main on this morning, but I didn't have time to check the upstairs pipes," I explained to Andie as I leaned over the edge of the narrow, high-sided tub. "So, we might have... fuck!" A deluge of cold, rusty water burst from the showerhead. I jumped backwards and discovered just how close behind me Andie was standing.

"Ouch! Oh my!" she exclaimed as I stepped on her foot.

A second later, I felt her arms around my neck, her legs wrapped around my thighs, and her package against my ass. I couldn't really speak, or even stand up straight the way she was clinging to me. The shower continued to spurt and spit foul water into the tub.

"Sorry! Are you okay?" I managed to say.

She made a chortling, snorting sound. "I think you broke my foot." Her hands shifted from my neck to my chest. Her breath tickled my ear. Her soft tits and hard nipples pressed against my back.

I waited for her to climb down, and when she didn't, it got awkward. Then, it got weird.

"Andie, are you humping me?"

"Sorry." She sounded surprised, but she didn't let go, or stop thrusting her hips.

"Andie?"

"Oh, sorry! I didn't....it just feels so good."

I could tell by her tone that she'd never humped anyone's butt before. She kept doing it.

"Andie!"

Slowly, she slid off my back. I felt my face turn red, and worse; I felt my cock getting hard. I tried to keep it tucked in front of me as I leaned over and turned off the tap. I fiddled with the levers and turned it on again. Water shot from the faucet instead of the showerhead. It spit, too, but it quickly ran clean.

Andie hadn't said a word since she'd slid off me, and suddenly, I had the suspicion that she was eyeing my bare, bent-over ass. I whirled around to find her a few feet away, backed-up against the sink, looking guilty. Automatically, we eyed each other's dicks.

Mine was a swinging, lead-weighted semi, and hers was four whole inches of serious boner, poking straight out from her crotch. For some reason, her hands covered her tits instead of her balls. Andie's face and cock were flushed, and her glasses were tilted so far to one side, they looked like they might fall off.

I focused on them. "You should take your glasses off before you break them," I said.

Her hands moved from her pert tits to her face. "Good thinking, cousin. I only have the one pair." She took them off and folded them up in her hand.

I figured without her coke-bottle glasses; this would feel a little less freaky. She turned around, bent over and fumbled around trying to find a level spot on the top of the toilet tank.

Andie had grown up the only child of a couple of nomad scientists. She was tutored by them and their brilliant colleagues as they travelled from one isolated site to another. She got a first-rate education, but never spent a single day in school. She rarely even saw kids her own age, so she ended up with the brain of a rocket scientist, and the social skills of a twelve-year-old. But she did have instincts, and they must have told her to offer her tempting butt to me and let nature take its course.

I couldn't help myself, I had to touch it. I reached forward and ran my hand lightly over the slight swell of her hip, over her butt cheek and then downward. I ran my thumb along the bottom crease of her ass.

"Mmmm. That feels nice," she said.

My cock sprang all the way to life, curving upwards in front of me. I took a deep breath and positioned myself behind her, not quite touching. I stroked her flanks.

"Ohhh!"

I ran my hand over her ass cheek and watched her belly twitch. I wasn't a virgin. I'd gone all the way with three different girls. My last girlfriend, Frieda, liked to bend over like this when we 'did it.' I liked it, too... a lot.

If Andie had a pussy, I would've rubbed the head of my cock along her slit, but Andie didn't have a pussy. I knew gay guys fucked each other's bums, but I had no idea how that would work. You needed lube or something. I was pretty sure that Andie had never done it before, so she probably had no idea of what to do either.

And, I mean, did I really want to do that? Shoving my dick up her ass would make me a homo. And I was pretty sure I wasn't a homo. Except, I wasn't ruling it out, either. I needed time to think.

I cleared my throat. "The water should be good by now, but you better hurry, I don't know how long it'll last." I turned away from her and my cock brushed against the smooth, cool skin of her butt cheeks. I let out a little groan.

"Mike?"

I didn't wait for her to turn around. I hustled over to the tub, climbed in, and turned my tattle-tale boner towards the wall. As soon as I stepped under the spray, I realized how unprepared I was. "Andie, did you bring any soap?" I asked without turning around.

"Sure, I brought everything."

I looked over my shoulder and caught her frozen with one foot in the tub with her little hardon sticking straight out, pointing at me. Her balls were high and tight.

"Do you want me to get it?" she asked.

"Yeah. I don't have any," I replied while she stared at my butt and I stared at her cock

"Okie dokie," she said.

I tore my eyes off her bouncy butt and stared at the wall. "Down boy, down," I hissed, giving the head a couple of whacks.

Andie had spent her life travelling around, living in tents and huts and stuff, so she had all kinds of neat gear. She had this long, kind of garment bag, that hung on the bathroom door with a bunch of pockets filled with useful things.

"I have shampoo, too," she called from across the room.

"Sure, bring that."

My mind was racing. It occurred to me that, standing like I was, probably wasn't a good idea. Then and there I made one firm decision. If there was going to be any homo bum-fucking, it wasn't going to be my bum that got fucked. I carefully turned around on the slippery ceramic.

Andie was geeky, but she wasn't clumsy like you'd expect; she moved fast and quiet. When I turned around, she was back at the side of the tub with a bottle in one hand and a plastic soap container in the other. Her cock was as hard as ever.

She handed me the shampoo bottle, then put a hand on my chest for balance as she stepped into the tub. It was very narrow, so we wound up in a full body press. The top of her head was level with my nose, her taut red nipples stabbed me just below the pecs. Her cock slid right in between my thighs under my balls. My cock was trapped up against her slightly rounded belly.

"Whoops!" she snorted and chortled into the side of my neck where she'd buried her head.

None of this was helping my boner relax. We shuffle-danced to the end of the tub where she let go of me and took a half step back.

"Cousin, that is definitely an above-average, engorged Caucasian penis!" she exclaimed, crouching down in front of me. I shivered as she took my dick in her hands. She started measuring it, using her fingers and her forearm.

"I would estimate that it must be at least twenty, or twenty-one, centimeters long and..." She clamped her fingers tightly around my shaft and gave it a firm stroke from bottom to top. "Fifteen centimeters in diameter. Very impressive!"

My legs started to tremble. I stifled a whimper. She squinted up at me. "Nicely-formed head, and I see you are circumcised like me. There's some debate in medical circles about the usefulness of that procedure, but I think it looks cute. Of course, that's a purely subjective judgement."

"Fuck, Andie..."

"A luxurious pubic patch," she added, brushing her nose against in my bush for a moment. "And, those are exceptional testicles." She cupped my balls and worked them over with her long fingers.

"Ahhh... Jesus, Andie..."

"Just as I surmised, you're definitely above average." Still squatting, with my balls in one hand and my shaft gripped tightly in the other, she gave me a satisfied smile.

I didn't know what to say. It was all I could do to keep from humping her hand.

"Can I wash it for you?" she asked.

Everything was going way too fast now. Andie was a girl, then Andie was a guy, then Andie was a girl with a dick. "No time for that, we're losing the hot water. Better be quick, or it'll be like ice," I said.

The thing was, once I began thinking about bum-fucking, I couldn't get it out of my mind. And it occurred to me, without really knowing the details, that it probably would be best if the bum you were going to fuck was nice and clean.

Andie stood up. "Okay, ship shower," she said brightly.

"What?"

"We take turns getting soaped up, then we get under the water to rinse off. I'll go first."

She stepped back and went to town on herself with the soap. She'd obviously done this before. I stood there with my mouth hanging open and my dick throbbing as she lathered her whole body, including her hair in no time flat. "No time for shampoo," she declared merrily.

I was glad to see that she gave her privates a good scrub, especially her butt. She did a quick number on both her legs, then slithered up against me. "Better hurry, cousin," she said, as she handed me the soap.

She rinsed off, then stepped out of the tub to make room for me. By the time I started, the water was cold. By the time I was done, it was icy. That finally did the trick on my cock.

Andie had dried her body and was now furiously toweling her hair. As she moved, her cock bounced. The fucking thing was still as hard as rock.

######

"What do you think about when you masturbate," Andie asked me with a look of earnest curiosity.

Wearing a loose, knee length, khaki dress, white knee socks and slip-on shoes, with her hair down, I wouldn't say she was foxy, but she definitely looked like a girl. A cute girl.

"Uh well, I don't do it very often," I lied.

"Really? I do it frequently," she replied with a grin.

"What do you call 'frequently?"

"Every chance I get. Camp life is crowded, so, growing up I didn't get a lot of opportunities. Sure, you love everybody on the expedition, but it's always such close quarters. And when you do get alone for a few minutes, it's always; 'Andie, come look at the Aurora Borealis', or 'quick, we just spotted a Kakapo, come out here or you'll miss it.'

And I want to scream, 'I've seen it before, mom. I'm trying to masturbate in here!' But that would be rude. They used to practically drag me out of the tent in the morning. They thought I was lazy."

There was a little tent in Andie's dress right now that I was trying hard not to look at it.

"Or, I would be in the latrine trying to masturbate, and I'd open my eyes and see a line of bullet ants coming down the wall! And I'm sitting there with an engorged penis in my hand!" Chortling, Andie slapped me on the shoulder. "You know what that's like!"

"Ah sure...." I smiled and nodded. She thought it was hilarious, and had to wipe the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. I didn't know what a bullet ant was, but I got the picture.

She went on, leaning forward, grinning. "But where we are now, I have my own room. It's great! I can masturbate on my lunch break, and a couple of times each night, and every morning." She rolled her eyes waving one hand around while the other slipped down to her crotch.

"Sounds great." Son of a bitch, she was getting me hot.

"So, how often do you do it?"

"Well, uh, you know, a couple of times a week, maybe." More lies.

After the shower we'd gone outside to look at the stars, but the mosquitoes drove us back in. I had a deck of cards, but it turned out that we didn't know any of the same games. Anyways, Andie was eager to talk. I'd bought a case of Canadian beer and a bottle of Jack at the liquor store in town. It was great, they didn't even ask me for ID.

The electrical was connected, but half of the old, sixty-amp fuses were blown, and most of the light bulbs were burnt out, leaving the house dim and shadowy. I didn't want to tell Andie, but the place gave me the creeps, especially the upper floors, so I'd suggested we camp out in the parlor with our sleeping bags in front of the fireplace. She was cool with that. She was cool with everything.

"So, what do you think about?" she insisted.

"Girls of course," I replied defensively.

"Which girls?"

We were sitting on the big sofa, turned towards each other with our knees tucked up under us. We had started at either end, but Andie kept inching towards me until we were almost touching.

"Girlfriends I've had, you know, and girls at school that turn me on." That was true.

"You mean girls you want to have coitus with?"

"What?"

"Sexual Intercourse."

"Fuck? You should say 'fuck', Andie, or everybody's gonna to laugh at you."

"Fuck...fffuk...phuuuk, phhhuuk." She said it slowly, like she was tasting it on her tongue. She leaned forward, hunching her shoulders. "Onomatopoeia," she said with a knowing nod.

"Yeah, sure." I figured it was another geeky way to say fuck. "...but you should say 'fuck -- fucking', or maybe, you know, 'have sex with.'"

She scooched her bum closer so that our knees were touching. I swallowed some beer and went on. "Yeah, I imagine fucking girls that I want to fuck. Also, remembering the ones that I have fucked, you know, playing it all back in my head."

"You've fucked girls?!" she exclaimed, her eyes growing wide.

"Sure, lots of times."