All Comments on 'My Romantic Tease Pt. 01'

Laughed hard when bra size described as “34” also that the father died of TB.

“I continued to suckle on each breast as if I were an infant while Elena grinded her ass back and forth on my bulging hardon.” Trying to work out the physics of this one.

Also running off at the end makes no sense. He got what he wanted. That wasn’t teasing, just rude and pointless.

This honestly felt like it was written by a virgin with no life experience. So I guess since this is written in first person, good job?

This was a good idea and has a great setup, but the transition was questionable and the payoff a disaster.

A good story needs to flow, so mistakes must be eliminated before you post. Here are just a few I spotted:

Dialogue always begins with a capital letter.

… and said, "goodnight with a slight grin."

Sentences that are far too long.

‘dad’ should be ‘Dad’ when a son refers to his father.

Apologies for being the grammar police, but the mistakes did spoil your story for me, so I recommend using a proofreader.

Now to your ending - Liam is a virgin full of testosterone and you suddenly turn him into a dominant character who teases his stepmom - totally unbelievable.

Anyways, I write this in hope it helps your future output, which I look forward to reading.

For a first effort, I think you are off to a good start. The build up kept me reading but the ending was so off the wall. I gave you a 5 for effort, imagination, and being your first submission. I would suggest you take the other comments seriously and make adjustments. Keep up the effort.

The story line started out, well, marginally interesting.

When I find a story in the Incest category, and there are any Step-whatevers involved, I think the author has wimped out, and can't really take that step into real Incest. This particular story is particularly egregious in this. Being a step-parent requires a real parent, and the real parent is gone. Elena isn't his step-mom, she's a woman he has lived with for a short period of time.

There is not explanation of why Liam continues to live with his former step mom after dad dies. This is a big omission. It makes absolutely no sense.

The timeline doesn't work for me. Liam is 14 when dad divorces mom, 18 when he meets Elena. Dad and Elena date for a year, then marry, are married for 4 years, and he's 22 when good old Dad dies. Either the numbers or wrong or the author has done a piss poor job of arranging the timeline. Either way, it's details like that which ruin a story, in my opinion.

An editor would have improved the story, probably. I think the author might have used a spell checker, but that doesn't fix grammar, punctuation, awkward wording, or dangling participles. When the reader has to stop and reread, then interpret what's said in order to figure out what was meant, the flow of the story is broken.

I think there may be potential here, but only if the author is willing to put some work into writing. Enjoyable literature can't just be vomited out onto the page. If it was easy to do, everyone would be good at it. It takes work. Without work, it's just not worth reading.

I pretty much agree with what previous commenters have said. The major exception is that I think that you really did put some thought into your writing.

To what they've said, I'll add that you seem to have a little trouble with sequencing your verb tenses: For example, "Maybe everything I learned was wrong, but I was certainly going to find out, and I think Elena was the best place to start." This suggests that you think so now; I believe that you meant that you thought so at the time, and "thought" is in better agreement with what precedes your use of "think." Verb tense itself may also be a problem: "ground" not "grinded."

And I will re-emphasize what another commenter has already suggested. Although I don't get the feeling that you "vomited" your story "out onto the page." You did put thought into what you wrote, but I agree that you didn't put enough into it. Writing isn't hard work; writing <i>well,</i> on the other hand...

Reread. Then re-reread. Look up words that you don't use commonly in your everyday speech; be sure that those words mean both what you think they mean and what you want to say. (That one traps me every now and then,) Set your work aside for a month and read it still another time, carefully and thoughtfully. Ask yourself: Do this make good sense? Did I say what I meant to say? Did I really tell the reader everything she needs to know in order to follow the story? How can I say this better and in fewer words? Is this piece of information really contribute anything to the story, or is it only marginally relevant?

Do this last rereading with your work printed out on paper---and with a red pencil in your hand. After that month, what you meant to say will no longer interfere so strongly with what you find that you really said. Mismatched tenses now have a much better chance of jumping out at you, as do holes in your plot.

Practice, practice, practice.

And, last but far from least, read good writing; other than practicing your own writing, the best way to learn to write well is to read writing by other authors who do it well. (And it doesn't hurt to read, once in a while, someone who's terrible and about whom you can say, "Good God! I hope I'm not that awful!")

Great line, "Do you want to eat sushi, or do you want to eat me?" Liam is such a loving and respectful stepson. He deserves pleasure and happiness.

I think this was a great first story. I do think the end was a bit off considering she initiated the sex, so why leave her wanting? I realize this is part one and I am looking forward to seeing where you take it.

I want to thank everyone for the comments I have and haven't yet recieved. I will admit, it was a little difficult reading the comments on my mistakes, I feel foolish on my weak approach to the story, alot of good points have been made on my writing that i haven't noticed until it was pointed out by the readers. I'm going to continue to practice and learn from the constructive feedback in order to make my writing and story better and more enjoyable. I can truly understand now how difficult it is to create a well constructed narrative.

Should I continue the pt.02 in an vain attempt of finishing a story that has basically dug its own grave due too its ignorant mistakes? Or should I begin a completely new narrative and really focus on setting proper foundations for possible multiple parts?

It's impossible now to fix simple mistakes that have been pointed out such as timeline, living with the stepmother after the divorce, confusing relations with the Elena, etc, now that the story has been submitted and is no longer revolving around the exposition. Which leaves me to repeat the question I asked above. I'm leaning more toward just starting over and really focusing on a brand new story in hopes of not making the same mistakes twice. Let me know.

Once again I appreciate the feedback. Please keep it coming. I look forward to reading more comments and answering more questions in the future.

But stumped on the breast size. 34 is the outside measurement. You need to add a cup size to find out how big they are. You say she was a model, so am guessing she would have trouble filling a training bra. Lets be generous 34AA

I don't get the ending either, but I do appreciate the fact this didn't end on the cliche note that they fuck like crazy and have a great time doing so.

But what happens next?

I'm late and you probably got better by now. You weren't bad by the way, I just didn't like the ending and maybe more explanation on the real mother. That's just me though, and Liam didn't seem like a virgin because no virgin would ever do what he did at the end. That was annoying because in sex teasing never makes the sex better just more annoying