My Roommate's Toy Box Ch. 06

I'd known my roommate's dad was an asshole since our first night in the dorm together, but hearing about how he'd spent his holiday, everything suddenly made more sense to me. "Well, fuck him."

Alex clicked his tongue. "Unfortunately, I can't just ignore his phone calls when he's standing right in front of me. The fucking douche really knows how to get to me. Let's just say I'm definitely not the least bit excited about Christmas. He's going to flip his shit all over again and I'll be fucking trapped there."

"Trapped?" I asked.

He nodded. "The dorm doesn't even reopen until what, a week before the semester starts? I can't just drive away next time. I won't have anywhere to go."

We were going to be apart for at least two whole weeks. Even with Alex being glum and distant, the prospect was agonizing. "You can always call me if you want to vent," I offered. "I'll be bored as hell being home for that long."

"I might actually have to take you up on that. I'll probably be going crazy."

"Yeah. Plus it would be really nice to hear your voice after that much time apart."

Alex glanced at me, quickly turning his head away. "Yeah," he mumbled.

I hated seeing him moody. "What can I do to make you feel better? You want to cuddle?"

"Not tonight," he dismissed. "I just want to sit here relaxing."

That's all he'd done since I'd come back. Why didn't he want to be close to me anymore? I couldn't understand. Had a few days with his dad really messed him up that much? I felt like I was the one person who could make him feel better, but he wasn't letting me. I didn't know what else I could do.

***

My stomach starts rumbling within seconds after submitting a paper. "You want to go get dinner?" I ask Alex from my desk. I'm already dressed to walk out the door, since being the only naked one in the room had quickly gotten weird.

"No, I'm good," he answers. "I already have plans with someone for tonight."

The way he'd phrased it, I know something is up. When he was hanging out with someone he knew, he would always say their name or at least call them a friend. /Someone/ is so incredibly vague. I glance back at him. "You're meeting up with someone?"

"Yeah," he mutters.

"Like...someone you know?" I press.

Alex glares at me before his gaze shifts back to his phone. "Do I have to tell you exactly what I'm doing every time I hang out with someone else?"

"I guess not," I say, staring at my laptop's screen. My worst fear starts to creep up. "Is it a girl?"

He sighs from across the room. "Why, would that be a problem?"

My roommate's hostility says everything. "So you're going on, like, a date with a girl?"

"Dude, why are you fucking interrogating me about it?" Alex asks, sounding pissed off.

Apparently my roommate was back on the dating apps. I'm screaming inside. Is he going to kiss her? Is he going to do more than kiss her? Why? He has me! Why doesn't he want to kiss me right now? Why hasn't he wanted to touch me at all since Thanksgiving? "Are you guys going to..." I can't even get the words out of my mouth.

"Going to what?" he sneers. "I probably won't even like her. We're just meeting up."

I know he wants me to shut up and leave him alone, but I'm not going to cower and pretend that I'm completely fine with him seeing someone else. I look over at him again. "I thought you liked me."

Alex loudly sighs again, our eyes briefly meeting. "I do like you. But we're friends, man," he says, his voice low and disturbingly serious. "We're not, like...a monogamous couple. I can hang out with other people and you can hang out with other people too."

I thought we were more than friends, even if it hasn't seemed that way lately. "Yeah," I force myself to mumble, turning my head away. "You're right, we're not a couple." Nevermind how much we act like we are a couple sometimes. Or acted, anyway. Nevermind that we're both really happy when we do it.

My roommate doesn't say anything else. When I peek at him, he's just blankly staring at his phone.

I know I can't leave it there. I have to confront him. I stand up and walk into the space between our beds. "I've been trying to give you your space since Thanksgiving, but I don't understand what changed, Alex. You haven't seemed the least bit interested in me since you came back, and now you're going on a date with a girl? How am I supposed to feel about that?"

"I just haven't been in the mood lately," he mutters. "I haven't even been jerking off."

"And what?" I ask angrily. "You will be for her?"

Alex crosses his arms over his chest and glances at me. "I don't know, dude. Maybe? Why are you making such a big fucking deal out of it?"

"Because you mean something to me!" I roar. "I just thought..." I look away and shake my head. Do I even want to tell him?

"You thought what?"

My whole body is tingling and I feel light-headed. "Alex," I start, my voice cracking as I gaze at his face again, "is there any chance you're ever going to want to be with me or were we always just fooling around?"

His expression turns deadly serious. "To be with you? Are you saying...is that what you want? You want us to be together? Like, dating?"

My roommate asks me the questions like he's never even considered the idea. I feel my heart sinking. "Is that not an option?" I ask.

"I mean it when I say I'm into girls," Alex says aggressively. "You know I'm still trying to explore that. How could I ever do it if we were dating, man? Like, you and me, I've never thought of that as being exclusive. We've never talked about that before."

"Obviously," I mutter. I'm such a fucking idiot for thinking everything was finally going to magically fall into place.

He takes a deep breath and picks up his phone again. "I like you and I love fooling around with you, man. Seriously, you know I do." Alex shakes his head. "I just don't know if I can see it as more than that. I can't imagine, like...dating another dude." He loudly clears his throat and he's quiet for a few moments. "That would make us, you know...you know..."

"Boyfriends," I say flatly.

"Yeah. That. I just can't see myself ever doing that, honestly."

Watching him embrace being bi, exploring absolutely everything with me, telling me that he liked me, I just assumed that's what we were destined to be. I figured he was on the same page, even if we hadn't actually talked about it. But there's no hope? No possibility? Why did I let myself fall in love with him? I crawl into my bed, turning away from Alex as tears stream down my cheeks. I'm struggling not to make a sound, not wanting him to hear me crying. The last thing I need is for him to walk across the room trying to comfort me after he'd just broken my heart. He's my roommate, my best friend, the guy I've been more intimate with than anyone else in my life, and he's telling me that I'll never be enough, that he'll always need someone else. What's the point of challenging him? I'm tired of fighting. I love him, but he'll only ever love me as a friend. That's all he wants to be. I'm ready to get off the roller coaster. This isn't worth it anymore.

"I'm sorry, Tyler," Alex adds after a minute of total silence.

"I'm sorry too," I whisper, trying to sound as emotionless as I possibly can. This is it. This is the end. I'm too emotionally invested to hear that there's no future and accept it. I'll go insane worrying about what he might be doing with other people. Alex and I are done. We're finally done.

I can't be here right now. I keep thinking it over and over again. I don't want to be in this room. I don't want to watch him getting ready for his date. I crawl out of my bed, stepping toward my dresser.

"Are you mad?" Alex asks, his tone more gentle.

I don't bother to answer, grabbing my wallet and keys. I hear my roommate's feet hit the floor, turning to see him walking up to me. He tries to wrap an arm behind me, but I bat it away, not looking at his face. "I'm just going to sit somewhere else and think for awhile," I mumble.

"Come on, roomie," Alex protests beside me. "Obviously we need to talk about this. You always want to make me talk, so can't we talk? Where are you going?"

I look him in the eyes. "I'll be back later," I answer, stepping away to put on my shoes.

"Come on, Tyler! You always fucking want to make me talk, so talk to me!"

"We did talk, Alex," I say calmly to the door as I tie my sneakers. "What else is there left to say?"

"Obviously something, or else you wouldn't be running away right now."

I'm running away? Alex is the one who'd just destroyed everything. I feel enraged as I stand up and face my roommate again, our gazes meeting. "I'm sick of you fucking using me!" I shout at him. "I'm sick of you fucking hurting me! And I'm not going to wait around forever hoping you'll change your mind! I can't fucking do this with you anymore, Alex!" I turn around and punch the door so hard my hand hurts, sighing as I shake my head. "I can't! I'm done! I'm fucking done with you. I'm changing rooms when the new semester starts, and then you can do whatever the fuck you want."

He doesn't utter another word as I walk out, and I don't bother to look back. I don't even care if I hurt his feelings. All he's ever done is hurt mine. Why did I keep constantly crawling back thinking anything was ever going to change? If Alex felt anything at all listening to me just now, he didn't care enough to clue me in. What else is new? Hearing the door shut, I feel like a whole chapter of my life has suddenly come to a close.

I have no idea where I'm going. The lounge? That sure seems fitting. I wander there, the place completely deserted as I settle into the same couch I'd sat on when I first chanced upon Alex riding one of his massive toys. My life had definitely played out in a way I'd never expected when I was first nervously sitting here, terrified to face my roommate again. Maybe someday, he'll actually be comfortable with who he is and what he likes; maybe he won't need to keep dating girls when he's already happy; maybe he won't find the idea of having a boyfriend so horribly unimaginable. But I can't be the one constantly pushing him around on training wheels. I can't spend the rest of the year yearning to be closer to him if it's utterly hopeless. I have to stop fantasizing and finally put myself first.

I'm not a fucking convenience here to satisfy Alex's lust and need for intimacy until he finds someone he likes better. I know he cares about me, but he doesn't care enough. I'm just horny, available, and willing to put up with his endless stream of bullshit. And that's it. He doesn't want to date me. He'll never want to date me. We're done.

All I want right now is to be wanted by someone who's unapologetically gay and not conflicted about it all. I open Grindr for the first time since I'd last sat in this lounge. We're not a couple. We're not exclusive. If he meets the right woman, he'll have her stuffing his ass. Why should I wait around for something that's never going to happen? I've been denying myself action all year because of Alex but my inbox is overflowing with old messages. I'm not waiting for him. I don't need him. I need a guy who knows exactly what he wants.

Within a minute I already have a fresh message. Opening my inbox and clicking on the profile, he's a 20-year-old with a cute face openly displayed. And he's a mere 200 feet away.

/You looking/?

He's not as attractive to me as Alex is, but has anyone else ever been? The more I stare at his picture, the cuter he seems, and his profile says he's a top. As the minutes pass, the desire to just bend over and get reamed by someone who isn't Alex overwhelms me.

/I need to get fucked/, I write back.

/You in Graham/? he asks. /My roommate is at his gf's place for the night. So fucking horny/.

The situation is way too perfect: this guy is in the building, his room available, and he wants to fuck me right now. But I'm still hesitating to reply. I can't stop thinking about Alex. Why do I feel so guilty? He just admitted that we're not on the same page at all. We're not a couple. We're not monogamous. /I can hang out with other people and you can hang out with other people too...you and me, I've never thought of that as being exclusive/. If he meets the right girl, he'll throw me away in an instant. Maybe he's doing it right fucking now! Why am I holding back? I stare at the thread, my fingers hovering over the keyboard on my phone. Fuck it. Fuck Alex.

/Yeah I'm in Graham. What room? I can be there in 20 or 30 mins/.

/Graham 514/, he answers. /I'll try not to bust/.

Thank god for the credit card slot on the vending machine in the lounge. I buy two bottles of water and head for the bathroom, not even caring that I'm openly holding them in my hands and don't have a towel. I strip down and turn the water on in one of the shower stalls, drawing on everything Alex had taught me, preparing myself to meet the random guy in 514. The whole process is miraculously a breeze. I use my hands to fling as much water off of my body as I can before I put my clothes back on, depositing the bottles into a trash can. I look at myself in the mirror, taking a deep breath. Fuck Alex. I deserve better. I deserve to be wanted. I leave the bathroom and head toward the stairwell, climbing up to the fifth floor and finding room 514. I gently knock on the door.

A mattress squeaks, footsteps hitting the ground and pressing toward me, the door unlocking and slowly opening. The 20-year-old Grindr guy is standing on the other side looking me up and down, smiling as he takes me in. "Hey," he says, swinging the door wide open. "You want to come in?"

I smile back at him. "Yeah," I answer, walking into his room. The lights are off except for a small lamp on one of the desks, pop music quietly playing in the background. A few paces into the stranger's dorm room, I stop, realizing that it's identical to the one I share with Alex, the same window against the wall, the same twin beds beside it, identical furniture mirrored across the space. Knowing that my roommate might still be three floors beneath us right now wondering where I am, I doubt myself for a second.

"Your pictures don't do you justice," the guy whispers into my ear. He's standing behind me, wrapping his arms around my body and enveloping me, his hands feeling up my stomach to my chest as he laps his tongue against my ear. "You're really fucking cute."

His touch alleviates my concerns, the guy's hands grazing underneath my shirt, his fingers caressing my skin as he kisses my neck. He turns me around, his lips lunging toward mine, but I move my face away. "Can we just fuck?" I ask. "I really need to get fucked."

"You don't like kissing?" he asks. "Or do you have a boyfriend or something? I'm not going to tell him."

A boyfriend is something I definitely don't have. "Just fuck me," I beg. "I need to get fucked."

The guy grins, pushing me toward his bed. "Take those clothes off and show me how you want to take it then."

I pull my shorts and underwear down, leaving my shirt, not wanting to be completely naked and vulnerable around a total stranger even if I was begging him to shove his dick in my ass. I plant myself on my hands and knees in his bed, not even wanting to see his face as he rails me.

"That's a really nice ass," the guy growls, the mattress shaking as he climbs up behind me and slaps his dick against my hole. "You need lube?"

"Just spit on it," I answer. Alex had trained me to be good at this, so I might as well take full advantage. I hear him spitting into his hand, rubbing it all over his dick.

"You ready?" he asks.

"Fuck me," I plead, feeling the guy's hard dick plunge into my ass a second later. He's way too eager, way too aggressive, but I don't even care. We're not a couple. We're not monogamous. We're both free to meet other people. "Yeah," I moan, the guy starting to stroke in and out of me. "Fuck my ass!"

He slaps my butt hard with both his hands. "Fucking slut," he grunts.

The stranger pounds me for five minutes, and after he's busted his load inside me, his dick withdrawing, I lift up intending to flee the room. But the guy wraps his arms around me, kissing my neck as he presses his torso against my back.

"You want to go again?" he invites. "Just give me a few minutes and I can do it. I'm still so fucking horny."

His hands are lecherously gliding up and down my chest, and I feel wanted. At that moment it's the only thing I'm craving, and I can't say no. I wind up being in Graham 514 for a solid hour, the stranger shooting his load into my ass five times. I feel like I'm cheating on Alex every time he coaxes me to stay, promising me more, but I relent as soon as the random guy touches me again. How could I be cheating on Alex? We're just friends. Just roommates. We can both hang out with other people.

He's panting above me after his last cum shot, his hands still gripped around my ankles, the guy grunting as he pulls his cock from my hole. "Now I'm seriously spent," he says. "But that was hot as fuck."

"Yeah," I mumble back, leaping out of his bed. I'm completely drenched in sweat, my shirt soaked, but I quickly throw the rest of my clothes back on.

"Your roommate gone a lot?" the guy asks as I start toward the door.

I wince. "Not really."

"Fucking roommates," he mutters. "Well, I'll hit you up the next time mine is gone?"

The guy in Graham 514 is definitely a good fuck, but he isn't Alex. "Yeah, sure," I say as I'm reaching for the door knob. I fling the door open and catapult myself out of the room, feeling tempted to take another shower as I climb the stairs down to our floor. I'm satisfied and disgusted with myself at the time. I don't want Alex to know what happened if he's there, but maybe I actually do. Maybe I want him to know exactly what happened. Maybe I want him to smell another man on me. We're just friends, just fooling around, so why should I feel the least bit guilty walking into our room with five loads of some random guy's seed buried up my ass?

I open our door, seeing that Alex is lying in his bed. He immediately stands up, naked except for a pair of boxers for the first time since Thanksgiving. I can barely believe my eyes.

"Hey," he says softly.

My legs suddenly feel like lead. I can't even look at his face right now. "Hey. Uh, how was your date?" I whisper. I want to burst into tears.

"I didn't go, dude. You didn't read my texts? Where were you?"

"You didn't go?" That's the only thing I process at first. "Oh, you texted me?" He must have done it after I'd made arrangements with the guy in Graham 514 and stuffed my phone into my pocket. I haven't even glanced at it since then. He didn't go. Oh my god, he didn't even go.

"Are you okay?" Alex asks. "You're pale as a ghost and you look like you're about to hurl."

He starts toward me and I panic. "Just stay away from me right now, Alex," I call. "Just leave me alone tonight." I want to run out the door to the shower, but I can't even move. My roommate looks so worried. Overwhelming guilt washes over me. He didn't even go! But why should I feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong. Alex and I are done. Oh my god, he's about to hug me. I can't stop him, Alex wrapping his arms around my body.

"I'm sorry," he whispers into my ear. "You were totally right. You were totally right about everything. I'm a fucking asshole." He sniffs the air and I know the game is up. "You smell kind of rank," he says as he lets me go. "Were you running or something?"

I look into his eyes and lose it. My whole body is shaking as tears stream down my cheeks. He looks so fucking concerned and I hate him in that moment. Now he cares? Is that what he texted me? That I was right? That he's an asshole? Is that why he didn't go? I start sobbing uncontrollably and Alex just seems confused. I sniffle hard and wipe my face. "I had sex with someone," I admit, my voice quavering.