My Roommate's Toy Box Ch. 06

He opens his mouth but no words come out. I can see the pain in my roommate's eyes, every feature of his face wrought with devastation. "You didn't read my texts," Alex finally says dejectedly.

I slowly shake my head, another round of tears pouring down my face.

"It was just a stupid date," he mumbles, betrayal obvious in his eyes. "Nothing was even going to happen."

He has no right to act like I did something wrong. Anger surges up over my remorse and I lose it. "We're friends," I snap. "We're not a monogamous couple. I've never thought of this as exclusive." I'm more emotionally raw than I've ever been, but parroting Alex's words back at him assuages my guilt.

He sighs loudly, staring down at the floor. "Yeah, you got me, Tyler," Alex says. "You totally fucking got me. I really hate that you were with someone else. I wish you would have read the texts."

I shrug as he slowly looks at me again. "Well, I didn't. I have no idea what you said."

His eyes are so depressingly sad. "I thought I would be cool with you being with someone else," he mutters. "But I'm definitely not. I'm pissed and I'm jealous as hell."

He's pissed? It's all his fault! That just makes me want to dig the knife deeper. "You're pissed and jealous?" I say incredulously. "Why? We're friends. We're not a couple. We're not--"

"Please just fucking stop," Alex interrupts, covering his eyes with one of his hands. "God, I already said you were right, man. Just fucking stop that shit."

I'd never seen him cry once in the time we've lived together, but within seconds I could hear him sobbing. How could I not feel bad? "Alex..."

"Don't leave," he pleads, sniffling behind his hand. "Please don't leave. I'm sorry I'm so fucking stupid sometimes. I don't want you to leave."

Wrapping my arms around my roommate's body, I could hear him crying even harder. I start to spill more of my own tears, my mouth quivering.

He lets his hand down, embracing me too, pulling me tightly into his body. "You mean so much to me," he whispers. "I'll do anything. Please don't leave."

Holding him as he cries, he's not the perfect man I could barely believe was a freshman when I first sighted him in the room. He's a terrified little boy, completely broken and holding nothing back. I know I still love him. Maybe I always will.

"Please say something," Alex begs. "You're killing me."

I let him go so I can look into his brown eyes. I've never seen him so emotional. "I'm sorry."

He nods. "You're not really going to move out, are you?" he asks like he's terrified of the possibility. "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I'm lucky you've put up with me as much as you have."

I'm completely exhausted from the weight of everything that's transpired already, finally feeling like I can move again. "Can we sit down?"

Alex looks sullen as I stride the few steps to my bed, sitting on the edge of it. He settles next to me, as close as he can be without actually touching me. "Why do you put up with me anyway?" he wonders.

"I've always thought you were worth it, I guess," I say softly.

He resolutely shakes his head. "I'm not. I'm clearly fucking not. It's only a matter of time until you figure it out too."

I'm appalled. "How can you say that? No one's ever made me feel the way you do, Alex," I whisper. I reach my hand out and start gently stroking his thigh.

"Same, honestly. I don't know why that makes me want to burn shit to the ground." He sighs, rubbing his hand all over his face. "Or maybe I do. If I keep letting you get closer, you're going to realize how fucked up I am. You're not going to want anything to do with me."

"What are you talking about?" I ask, letting my hand rest on his thigh. "You're not fucked up. You're the most amazing person I've ever met."

He inhales deeply and shakes his head. "No, I have issues. Clearly."

I try to look Alex in the eyes but he's just staring straight ahead. "Everyone has issues."

"Not like mine," he mumbles. "You're way too good for me, man. I would just drag you down. That's all I do. I'm a fucking worthless piece of shit." More tears stream down his face.

I feel like I know exactly where his feelings are coming from. "Is this all about your dad?" I ask. Hearing the way he's been talking about himself, I realize Alex must have serious self-esteem issues. As confident and charismatic as he is, always willing to say or do anything, it's something I never would have expected.

He looks at me like I'd just ripped a band-aid off. "Well, when you hear about how horrible you are often enough...yeah, it's pretty damn easy to believe it," he mutters.

I wrap my arm around my roommate's shoulders and pull his body into mine. "He's emotionally abusive, Alex. You can't listen to him. I've been living with you for months. I know who you really are. You're a great roommate and the best friend I've ever had in my life."

Alex covers his eyes again, more tears streaming down his cheeks. "I really want to believe that," he whispers.

"You are! You're an incredible person!"

He swallows hard beside me, his fingers scraping across his eyes. "But I do drag you down," he says. "I know I've done it."

"The only thing you've ever done to drag me down is push me away. That's it. All I've ever wanted is to be closer to you, but you won't let me."

He lets his hand down, grabbing mine and lacing our fingers together. He twists his head and stares into me. "Do you still want to be my boyfriend?" he asks.

My heart flutters. "Of course I do. But you said--"

Alex grips my hand tighter. "That was me trying to burn shit to the ground. Don't listen to that little dumbfuck emotional arsonist."

"I really don't want to," I mutter. "But he's pretty loud."

Alex laughs, slightly smiling. "I know I have to stop keeping everything bottled up and letting it get to me. Like, I should have called you every day I was gone and told you about what was going on instead of pretending I was fine. I know that now. I can't keep fucking this up for us."

/For us/. Us. He says it like we are a couple. "Is there an us?"

My roommate wraps a hand around my head and pulls me into his lips, gently kissing me. "Isn't that what you want?" he asks.

I'm so confused about everything. "I don't understand, Alex. You haven't wanted anything to do with me since the break, and then you say you're going on a date with a girl. You told me you couldn't ever see yourself having a boyfriend, and now you're asking me if I'm still interested. I have no idea what to think right now."

"I know it sounds really fucking weird," he mumbles. "I've had his stupid voice in my head ever since I came back. All I kept thinking is that I'm going to disappoint you like I disappoint everyone else. I've already done it a few times, haven't I? So yeah, I kept thinking he's totally right, I'm just going to keep hurting Tyler until he finally ditches me. So maybe it was better to just...let go and push you away."

I rub my hand across my forehead trying to make sense of it. "You're saying you were trying to hurt me...because you're afraid of hurting me?"

He sighs. "I know, it's really fucking fucked up, isn't it? I seriously need counseling or something."

"I still don't get it, though," I say. "What changed?"

Alex stares pensively at the ground. "You should really read those texts," he whispers. "When you called me out and threatened to leave, I realized I never want you to leave. I started imagining my life without you and it seemed so...sad. You make me really happy, Tyler. I need you in my life, and I need to grow the fuck up."

I want to tell him I love him so badly after hearing that, but I know I can't do it now. "I feel like I need you too, Alex," I whisper. "But I realized something tonight too. I can't keep torturing myself just to be friends with benefits or whatever. My feelings are way too strong and they're going to drive me crazy."

"That's why I already asked you," he says gently, his brown eyes peering deeply into mine. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?"