My Sister's Love

After such a bad night filled with fitful dreams, I was startled on Monday afternoon by a light rapping at the front door while the kids were down for their nap. Looking out the window, I saw Miss Albertson, dressed to the nines in yet another splendid outfit, with not a hair out of place. I opened the door in my usual work dress with my hair barely remaining in a bun atop my head. As I did, a strand of hair took the opportunity to fall across my face, leading me to blow it ineffectually.

She gave me a little smile as if fighting off a great big grin. "Miss O'Grady, good afternoon. I'm sorry for not making an appointment in advance but I was passing through your neighborhood so I wondered if I might come in and have a word with you?"

I looked at her in disbelief, but threw up my hands after she didn't get, or more likely, didn't take the hint. "Sure, come in. Can I get you some tea or maybe coffee? I've already started the water."

"Whatever you're having would be great," she said.

"Have a seat and I'll be back in a couple."

Like everything in the house, it was Mary's tea service and Miss Albertson looked much more at home with it than I did. I was nominally the hostess, though, so I poured and we made our cups before looking at each other as they cooled.

"Miss Albertson, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" The facetiousness placed on the word "pleasure" was evident to me, even if not to her.

She looked like the proverbial cat toying with canary as she said, "Miss O'Grady, can we dispense with the formalities? Can we just be Cynthia and Clara for a bit?"

"Whatever you'd like," I agreed, knowing she'd get it in the end whether I objected or not. "Cynthia."

Her smile was surprisingly warm, not the grin of the snake in the Garden that I was expecting. "Thank you, Clara. First, I want to say thank you for all you've done for Leo. I'm not sure if he's told you but we were friends growing up."

I shook my head in reply. As much as Leo and I had spoken about personal or social issues since Mary's death, he might have known her or the governor and I wouldn't have known.

"I figured as much. Truth be told, we were in and out of love, or something, not once, but twice, before he followed our country's call to Europe and into the skies. I always assumed that we'd find our way back together someday after he returned, but I hadn't counted on him finding true love with Mary in the most difficult of circumstances."

"That it was," I agreed. "On all counts."

"Indeed. You probably also don't know that I'm not a rich girl, at least, not in the traditional sense. Oh, Father has money, a great deal, but he never gave me any, not trusting my business sense, since, after all, I was a girl. Fortunately, my grandfather saw the potentially lucrative nature of my suggestions and lent me the money to start my women's journal after I'd spent a couple of years in New York working for the big publishing houses."

"I'm sorry, Miss...ah, Cynthia, but I'm not sure where this is going."

"Clara, a journalist doesn't rush the story. We lay it out in pieces and then tie them together. I know, you may think you don't care if they're tied up or tossed out, but you'll understand in a few moments if you'll bear with me."

I nodded, knowing that children would probably be up before Cynthia finished her first square knot, much less anything more substantial.

"I paid Grandfather off two years ago, and, a few months back, I sold the journal to one of the big publishing firms. I'm under contract to continue as editor and chief correspondent for another twelve months, at which point, my responsibility ends and I step away with more money than I'll ever need. When I retire, I'll be thirty-two years of age, just a few months younger than Leo, and I'll be ready to become a wife and mother. When I ran into Leo recently, I realized that we were the perfect couple and that we could make beautiful babies together. After all, I've always cared for him."

"I'm very happy for you," I said, clearly not meaning a word of it, and trying to keep from gagging at their early start on the babies the night before. "If you'll excuse me—"

"Clara, how long have you been in love with Leo?"

Of all the words she could have spoken, those were probably the ones that would have surprised me most. They took me aback and completely flustered, I shook my head in denial even as I said, "How'd you—" before realizing my mistake and what I was saying.

Cynthia was nodding. "Clara, I've interviewed people for publications, mine and those before, for over thirteen years, and I read people as well as most anyone in journalism. You may deny it and Leo may be too blind to see it, but I see it in your eyes and your actions. You love him but you're embarrassed, thinking that people will look down on you—no, wait, not you. More likely, you're more concerned about them looking down on Leo, for him becoming involved with his late wife's little sister."

My heart was breaking as she laid it bare, seeing through the veil in which I'd so carefully wrapped myself, in which I'd hidden my love and my most heartfelt desire. Tears were streaming down my face and my embarrassment and Leo's shame was complete. However, perhaps...

"Please go, and please, please don't embarrass Leo. I'll give him notice tonight and I'll leave as soon as he can find someone to help with the kids. You'll have him all to yourself and I'll never interfere. Just please don't do anything to hurt him. Please?" I could barely get it out, for my tears were flowing like a faucet and I was sniffling like crazy.

She stood to go so I rose, too, to walk her to the door, but she surprised me by pulling me into a hug and patting my back.

"Clara, don't worry. It'll work out for the best."

Then she was gone, much like my hopes and dreams.

***

I couldn't bear seeing Leo that night, so my resignation letter was written and sealed and I handed it to Mrs. Myers when I saw Leo up the street walking with his cane toward the house. I gave the children a hug and a kiss, and, with Mrs. Myers watching them, I ran upstairs into my room and locked the door.

The knock at my door followed a few minutes later.

"Clara? Clara! We have to talk."

I held my breath in silence, hoping he'd think I'd left, but he wasn't fooled.

"Clara, I know you're in there. Please open the door so we can talk."

"Go away, Leo. I have nothing to say."

"No? Nothing? I think we've both been pretty good about that, but it ends now. Please open the door."

"No, Leo! Please go away."

I leaned against the door, my shoulder and then my head touching it, so tired and so defeated.

"No," he replied. "I can't do that, and can't let you do it either. I'm going to stay right here, outside your door, until you'll talk with me."

I heard it then, his body sliding down the face of the door, coming to rest on the floor just outside. "Uhm. Guess I should have gotten a pillow."

Of all the things he could have said at that particular moment, that wasn't one I was expecting, and my giggle was involuntary before my hand clamped over my mouth.

I heard a chuckle outside. "Well, the floor is hard."

A moment later, I unlocked the door and said, "Here," before passing out the pillow and closing and relocking the door.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome," I said as I dropped a pillow on the floor and slid down the face of the door to sit on it.

Silence followed for a very long while before Leo said through the door, just inches from me, "Mrs. Myers is tired and the children are almost certainly hungry. Perhaps we should feed them and then reconvene to continue our matchless dialogue after they go to bed? On the couch maybe?"

I snorted, quite unintentionally so I stood up and opened the door. "Leo, you read my letter? Please, it says what I have to say. I have to leave so you can get on with your life." I didn't add that I needed to get away from him to get on with mine, too.

"I've read it, several times in fact," he said as he pulled it from his pocket. "Which is why I think our discussion needs to wait just a little longer until we can properly focus our attention—"

Christopher's yelp was low enough that I hadn't heard anything similar through my door, but Leo nodded to it as an example.

"I gave you the names of two agencies that offer nanny services in the letter," I said. "You have a few days to do interviews and find someone to replace me, but please don't lollygag about it, Leo. It hurts so bad to leave them, but it's killing me to stay here, so I need to leave as soon as possible. Please understand and help me with this, I beg you."

My intent to be strong and put on a happy face was defeated by thoughts of leaving the children behind; tears were streaming down my face. "Go to them. I'll be down shortly."

***

The next morning was a regular day with the kids, but I knew it would be one of my last. Leo and I hadn't talked any more the previous night beyond him promising to call the agencies. That, at least, was a start and I followed up by packing my trunk while the children were down for their nap.

There was a knock at 4 PM that afternoon. Looking out the door, I saw a taxi at the curb with the driver bringing in a trunk. A somewhat heavyset but very neat woman in her 40s stood on the porch.

"Good day. My name is Mrs. Mabel Vincenti and Captain Walsh has hired me as the new nanny. I'm new in town and was available immediately so he asked me to move in today and start tomorrow morning."

Mrs. Myers had come to the front from the kitchen and heard her statement. "Mrs. Vincenti, welcome. Captain Walsh called to say that you'd be coming. Please come in."

Hurting that Leo had trusted her with the news but not me, I had the taxi man take Mrs. Vincenti's trunk up to my room and take mine back down. "I'll be out in a moment," I told him. "We're going to the station."

"Yes, ma'am," he agreed before heading out to the cab, bent over carrying my big trunk.

The last of my things went in my little suitcase, and I rushed down the stairs to see Mrs. Myers watching Mrs. Vincenti sitting on the couch next to the children.

"Mrs. Myers, I have to go," I told her. "Please help Mrs. Vincenti get settled in and give Le—Captain Walsh, my regards."

She looked so sad but nodded knowingly before giving me a hug. I wished Mrs. Vincenti well, telling her that Mrs. Myers could help her locate anything she needed, and quickly gave the children a hug through my tears.

"I'll see you two this summer, really soon. I love you both, so, so much."

Christopher didn't want to let go, but Mrs. Vincenti helped and I went out the door.

***

Chapter 11

The Columbus Union Station was big and hectic, with about a hundred trains per day arriving and departing at all hours. I was able to get a cheap ticket on an eastbound train for a 6:51 PM departure. My trunk went in the baggage room, tagged for Philadelphia, and I went walking around the station and the Arcade trying not to think about how bad my life had become. At 23 years of age, I was having to leave my nephew and niece in the care of a stranger and flee the city to escape my forbidden love for my late sister's husband and get out of the way of Miss Albertson, his new lover, before she exposed my secret.

Perhaps, if Miss Albertson would accept her victory and keep her mouth closed, my secret love would never become known to cause embarrassment to Leo, and its dark stench wouldn't follow me back to Philadelphia. Perhaps I'd be able to put it behind me, in time, and could return to teaching. Maybe a nice but perfectly boring someone like Samuel Coolidge would someday see something in me and ask me if we could make a life together. Just maybe I could force myself to accept such a proposal, or perhaps to overcome Sister Jana Katherine's objections over time and join the convent. Either way, I'd eventually forget my silly infatuation with my late sister's love.

The train pulled out of the station right on time and I settled in my seat next to an older woman who appeared to be bored with the whole travel process. Like her, I dreaded the long ride and, not being able to afford an express train with a Pullman berth, I knew it would be largely restless.

Fortunately, the stops were brief and the lady seated next to me got up and went her way during a brief stop in Zanesville, a town east of Columbus. Considering the size of the place, I hoped no one would need the adjacent seat and I'd be able to curl up to get at least a little rest.

"Excuse me, Miss," said the porter, awaking me a little later. "You need to sit up to free up the seat."

I nodded compliance and swung my feet down, balling my coat up against the bulkhead to serve as a pillow. Perhaps I still held a tiny spark of hope in my heart, but I when I opened my eyes for a moment after another person sat down, I sighed in frustration; it would be a long, uncomfortable trip, a near perfect reflection of the state of my life.

I eventually drifted back off into a fitful sleep, enduring two train switches, and many starts, stops, jolts, and even more unpleasant awakenings along the way before we pulled into the Philadelphia station sometime the next morning.

***

Not wanting to have to explain, I hadn't called Mom and Dad on the phone to let them know of my arrival. The taxi driver pulled up to the curb, dumped my trunk on the walk, demanded payment, and took off, leaving me there looking, alternately, at the heavy trunk, my little case, and the front door that far away.

"Fiddlesticks!" I said aloud, wanting to utter a far worse curse that wouldn't have pleased Mom, the parish priest, or Sister Jana Katherine. I started to drag the trunk over the walk toward the house, but it hit something, causing the suitcase to fall off the top and me to pull my shoulder. Between the sudden pain and my general attitude, I said it.

"Damnation!"

I sat down on the trunk, waiting for the lightning to strike me down, but God must have understood my situation for the sky was clear and bright, perfect to light the tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Need some help with that?" called a voice that chilled me to the bone.

My head spun around to see Leo followed by Mom coming out of the house, down the few steps, and down the walk toward me.

"How'd you—"

"Express train," he answered, reminding me that I'd taken the much cheaper locals with all of the stops and the transfers. "Pardon me, Kayleigh, but Clara, I ought to turn you over my knee and spank your ass until you learn your lesson."

I turned bright red with embarrassment on hearing his comment, but my mother's head bobbing up and down in apparently complete agreement showed me that I wasn't going to be getting any help from her corner. I think she was even trying to keep from grinning!

Leo wasn't done, though. "I can't believe you'd run out and leave the children, and leave me, without a proper sendoff. Christopher thinks you've gone off to be with his mother, and Amanda doesn't have a clue. And frankly, neither do I."

"Here, dear. Let me take your suitcase inside," said Mom. "You two can bring the trunk in after you've spoken with each other like real adults."

Surprisingly, she kissed my cheek and then kissed Leo's before she went inside.

"Why'd you come here?" I demanded. "I left to get out of your way."

"Clara, did I ask you to get out of my way? No, I didn't, but you wouldn't know that. See, I've tried to talk to you for months and then especially in the past few days but you've been like a brick wall throughout that, not hearing a thing and saying only a tiny bit more. Why would you leave us, the children and me, especially now?"

"Leo, you're my sister's husband, her love. She's gone now, so you need to get on with your life and me with mine. You know where you're going—remember?—so there's really nothing more to talk about."

"Yes, I know where I want to go, but it might not be where you think." He winced slightly as he stood there, before adding, "Say, do you want to do this here, or take it inside?"

I sat down on my trunk. If we did it there in the morning sun with him standing up on his prosthesis without his cane, I figured he might give up and leave. However, Leo didn't see it that way. Seeing my intransigence, he sat down next to me on the trunk without asking permission, bodily nudging me over to the side, if only a little bit. I growled lightly, but he paid it no mind.

"Then right here will be just fine. Clara, one doesn't stay married to someone after she's gone. Oh, there will always be that love, but it's like it's frozen in place, never to change or grow. The mourning period lasts so long to let you realize and truly understand that, but it doesn't go on forever. And when you do finally get it and you can move on, well, when you meet the right person, you can act on it."

"Leo, I know that, which is why it was so important to do this now, to let you move on, so you and Miss Albertson can make your plans without having Mary's spectre, at least in my form, hovering around you."

"Clara, you're not Mary, and Cynthia has nothing further to do with the situation. We aren't seeing each other any more."

I was confused as I looked around at him. It made my neck hurt so I stood back up, planting my feet firmly, right in front of him. "Not seeing her? What happened? I left so you two could be together."

"Which goes to show why communication is so vital to modern relationships and marriages. If someone had chosen to communicate rather than imitating that stone wall—or maybe a fleeing jack rabbit—she might have learned of my true feelings, or rather, lack thereof, for Cynthia shortly after I myself confirmed them."

"But...but...I saw you come home on Sunday night after you'd been with her. You were all disheveled, not even bothering to clean up before—"

Leo was shaking his head as he laughed, all too heartily for my taste. "Disheveled, quite probably, but 'with' Cynthia, absolutely not. Do you have any idea how hard it is to change a tire on an automobile in the dark? Some of the nuts were seized up, and it took quite a while to break them free. One fell on the ground then, and I had to get down on my hands and knees in the dark looking for it. Yes, I was probably a mess, but Cynthia was definitely not the cause."

I was quite red from embarrassment, that I would have believed such a thing about him, but worse, that I would have come to that explanation in the first place. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Leo. I really thought...or maybe I didn't, and that was the problem. But, you're not seeing her any more? Really?"

"We were always friends but there was never any real passion between us, nothing like what I had with Mary, nothing like what I feel now."

"Now? What do you mean?"

He stood up and faced me as I looked up at him. "Clara, I've worked and lived with you for well over a year, and, despite your frequent wall imitation, I've gotten to know you quite well and to know, in my own heart, that I, ah, I care a great deal about you, far more than Cynthia or anyone else. It's more than that, though—I've come to realize that I love you and it's pained me to see you push me away. I do, Clara, I love you."

I don't remember how but he had his hands on my waist and was holding me just inches from him, looking into my eyes, into the depths of my soul. I tried to glance away but his gaze was as if magnetic, holding my eyes to his. My breathing was short and clipped, and it was all I could do to force out words.

"Leo, no!"

His eyes were cloudy, on the verge of crying, something I'd seen him do for Mary, but never for anything else, particularly not for me, but then it slipped, a tear breaking free and running down his cheek.